AN: Ahhhh, the beginning of a new chapter. Careful kiddiewinks; there's quite a bit of cursing in this one!

"Who did you say again, Harry?" asked Hermione again, tapping into the Muggle contraption.

"Billy Mays, Hermione! How many times do I have to tell you? Godric, for the smartest girl of your age you can be a real dumbass sometimes!" snapped Harry.

"Excuse me? What's gotten your knickers in a twist?"

"Oh, I don't know," said Harry, crossing his arms. "Perhaps it has something to do with having some annoying little fly constantly whinging in my ear!"

"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?" shouted Hermione, she then ran into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

"Harry! That's so mean!" said Ginny, before marching into the room after Hermione.

"Godric, Harry. She's my wife, you have no right to treat her like that! Do you hear me?" shouted Ron angrily, his eyes blazing.

"Oh for Salazar's sake! I cannot be fucked with you! ALL OF YOU!" Harry retaliated.

"We can't be fucked with you either Harry! What the hell have we done? We're on a mission here and you're the one completely breaking down and acting like a bitchy little shit!" Ron slammed his fist down on the sofa, the walls vibrated.

"Oh yeah? You think so? Do you? Well you can do the whole fucking mission by yourself then, Ronniekins. That's what you want, isn't it? To be the hero; you're jealous of me!"

Harry was going to continue, but was cut short by Ron's fist colliding with his cheek. There was blood dripping out of Harry's mouth. Hermione and Ginny ran out of the bedroom.

"For goodness sake, what the hell do you think you're doing?" screamed Ginny as Harry picked himself off the floor.

"I don't know, I don't know anything any more. And I cannot be bothered. I'm going out," snapped Harry, grabbing his jacket and storming out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

The cold, damp wind of Forks whipped against Harry's sore cheek like a knife as he trudged along the puddle-spattered pavement. He didn't know where he was going, he didn't care, either. His head was spinning with the events that had took place earlier that week. A million thoughts and questions ran through his mind:

What have I done?

Why did I shout at Hermione like that?

One of my first and most closest and dearest friends...?

Ron is such a bastard!

Why am I friends with a bastard?

Freakin' bastard.

Edward had a baby... a little baby.

I just killed a father!

That makes me a monster...

What did they ever do to me?

Why isn't everyone else freaking out like ME?

Am I just too sensitive?

Maybe it means they're monsters, too...

WHAT IF THEY'RE MONSTERS IN DISGUISE?

Holy shit.

Harry was pulled away from his thoughts when he bumped into a brick wall and fell onto the floor. Picking himself up, he noticed that the brick wall had a door to a tavern. Badly needing something a drink, Harry walked into the bar. It stank of piss and alcohol. He sat on a stool and ordered a vodka shot from the grizzly bartender. It was a dirty glass; but Harry was passed caring as he downed it in one. The bar was mostly empty, apart from a few overweight, bearded old men playing pool in the corner and a man next to him playing with a squidgy-looking orange... thingy. The orange reminded him of Ginny. What the hell was he doing? Drinking like a hobo in some run-down bar. He was her fiance. In a few months time, he was going to promise to love and protect her until death. He was meant to live with her and care for her. Have children.

"For fuck's sake..." he mumbled. Clutching handfuls of his jet-black hair. "If I could only find this Billy Mays bastard..."

"Who? Me?"

Harry whirled around to find the man sitting next to him had stopped playing with the orange thing. He had dark hair and a beard, he looked friendly enough.

"You – you're Billy Mays?" said Harry in nothing more than a whisper.

"That's me," said the man heartily, smiling amiably at Harry.

"The leader of sparklepyres?" Harry enquired further.

"Er – I'll have to say 'no' on that one, son," said Billy Mays.

"What?" said Harry, shocked. "WHAT? So I've come ALL THIS BLOODY WAY to find some weird, bearded, old guy who isn't even the person I'm looking for? Do you know what I've done? I've killed a father. I killed Edward Cullen. And his wife doesn't even remember him. And for what? NOTHING!"

Harry hadn't noticed the fast sliding of hot, salty tears running down his face. Embarassed at crying in front of a complete stranger, he wiped them with his sleeve quickly and sniffed. When he looked up again, Billy Mays was standing.

"Come with me, kid," he whispered forcefully. Harry stood up and followed the bearded gent out of the bar and into the street, it was raining.

He followed him across the road to a tanning salon. Harry waited as Billy stood in front of the door and fiddled with something in his hands. Suddenly, the floor beneath his moved, Billy grabbed Harry in a tight embrace as they sank down into the hungry earth.

"What the hell? Listen, mate, I don't swing that way, if you know what I mean-"

"Shh, shh," chided Billy. "We're almost there. Close your eyes."

Harry did as he was told, seconds later, he felt solid firmness beneath his feet. He opened his eyes and looked down to see the floor was made out of lino.

"Where are we?" asked Harry, his legs trembling.

"We're in my secret hideout!" cried Billy happily. It was a shiny, chrome-like place. Billy invited Harry to sit down on a silver, metal chair, he put his face very close to Harry's.

"Now... I am about to divulge a top-secret secretive secret to you, okay, Potter?"

"Wait, how did you know my-"

"There's no time for that now!" shouted Billy, waving Harry's question away with a flick of his hands. "Listen, Potter, Drarry, Harry James, Harriet, Pot-Pot, I am not the head of sparklepyres, I am a spy. My mission, which is not unlike yours, is to track down the sparklepyre leader, which I have done, and to destory her. Thus, turning the sparklepyres back into normal human beings."

Harry, surprised at this sudden information asked: "So, who is the head of sparklepyres?"

Billy smirked. "Who do you think? Who created the sparklepyres? Who has a mind sick enough to give that malady to poor, innocent human being?"

"...Sarah Allen?"

"What? No! Who the hell is that anyway? Jesus, Potter. No, Stephenie Meyer."

Harry inhaled deeply and loudly out of pure shock. Then, when he realised it wasn't shocking, he felt a bit stupid and didn't want to exhale because he'd feel even more like an idiot. He sat there for forty-three seconds holding his breath before he thought his lungs were going to explode.

"Erm... okay then..." said Billy. "Carrying on... I would like you, Harry Potter, and your accomplices to join me on my quest to hunt down Stephenie Meyer and her army of sparklepyres. Do you accept?"

Without hesitations, Harry practically whispered: "I do,"

"Excellent!" said Billy, standing up suddenly, running his hands over his dark beard. "Now, you must show me your... accomplices, Harry!"

"Hey, guys! You'll never guessed who I've found!"

"Michael Jackson?"

"No, Ron, not him... how do you even know who he is anyway? Michael Jackson's a Muggle..."

"No he isn't! It's a well known fact that Michael Jackson is a Squib, so stick that in your gob. You have the cheek to come back here all of a sudden? Not even apologising to Hermione?"

He had a point, Harry stood nervously in the doorway, Billy was just behind him. Hermione was sitting, her chin up, defiant, on the sofa.

"I'm – er – I'm sorry, Hermione... I didn't mean to shout at you like that... I was being a dick... I'm sorry,"

She gave a smile. "It's OK, Harry. Now, who is this mystery person you've brought to us?"

Without warning, Billy stepped in front of Harry, spreading his arms wide, he announced "Hi, Billy Mays here – with Oxyclean!"

Ginny, Ron and Hermione leapt up comically. "Billy Mays?"

"With Oxyclean? What is that?" whispered Harry.

"Oh, force of habit, sor-" but before Billy could finish, Ron had screamed a stunning spell and was shot backwards into the hallway.

"RON! He's not the head of sparklepyres! He's going to HELP US!" cried Harry, stepping back.

"How do you know?" gasped Ron.

"He knows who the real head of sparklepyres is! He wants us to help him, Ron!"

"Please," whimpered Billy. "I can help. Seriously, I can. I've tracked the head down – Meyer, that is – and I need you to help me bring her down... so... what do you say?"

"Well..."

"He sounds genuine," said Hermione. "I think we should help him, Ron,"

"I think so, too," piped Ginny.

Ron glanced at Harry, who subtly nodded and smiled. "Come on, trust me, Ron. He's the real deal," he said.

"Oh, fine!" said Ron, throwing his hands in the air in mock exasperation. "Let's do this shizzle!"

AN: **squee** Please review! If you don't I'll feel down-hearted and maybe kill something small, cute and furry like a Nargle. Hope you enjoyed it!