A/N Hello, and welcome to chapter four of Devils and Devilry!
So, with the end of Being Human far closer than anyone would like it to be, let's take a quick look into that blank void beyond 10 March. Well, first things first, there's In the Flesh, the new three-part zombie series taking up Being Human's Sunday night slot on BBC Three (the epic trailer was shown last night, after Being Human), and then of course, there's the new series of Doctor Who, which is pretty much single-handedly flying the flag for cult TV in the UK at the moment. And in the autumn, there's new Merlin replacement Atlantis, and finally we'll find out how the heck Sherlock survived. Probably.
Having said all that, I'm pretty scared about 10 March will bring. These three words should describe my current feelings about the finale pretty well: Don't. Kill. Tom.
So, without any further rambling, here's Episode Four, 'The Greater Good'!
PREVIOUSLY ON BEING HUMAN
Larry Chrysler, washed-up ex-weatherman and werewolf appeared at the Barry Grand to make the world's worst speech... which Tom fell hook, line and sinker for. Larry, being the utter douche-bag that he was, took Tom under his wing, gave him a book about success pie and taught him how to smash windows.
Meanwhile, Hal kept up his yearly meetings with shy, posh ghost Lady Mary... only she wasn't shy, she was a total loony who pushed people over because she didn't like their shoes and sat in toilets watching people have... uh... intercourse? Eventually, Hal was forced to reveal that Mary wasn't his last victim - more like his hundredth-to-last victim -... and Mary reacted by holding a stake to his heart. Thankfully, she came around, and spared us all from watching Michael Socha flailing around with a stake.
And as for Larry? Well, after one too many insults, he was strangled to death with a lamp by evil Hal. Yeah. Good one, Larry.
HEROES AND LOSERS
HEROES 1. Tom - He's the best friend you can ever hope for, pretty much, and he'll buy an answering machine for you if you ask nicely. 2. Bobby - For being really, really cuddly and having a ferocious bear hug on him. 3. Crumb - Because staying off blood when it's right in front of you takes some doing.
LOSERS (Yes, the sheer amount of evil in this episode has forced me to widen the playing field a little) 1. Captain Hatch - HE KILLED BOBBY! HOW COULD YOU?! 2. Hal - Drinking blood after teaching another vampire to stay off blood? Now that's what I call hypocrisy. 3. Mr Rook - Back on the losers chart, for... y'know, allying with the Devil.
QUOTES
BOBBY - 'I'll take Burt Reynolds and Worzel Gummidge, please.'
CRUMB - 'Have some f**king profiteroles!' (A/N I don't even know why I put this here!)
HAL - 'You thought you'd lost your reflection. Well, take a good look boy - this is you.'
BOBBY - 'Mr Tom's one of the country's most sought after lifeguards.'
CRUMB - 'Well then... looks like I win.'
MUSINGS
I feel a bit sorry for Bobby - 35 years locked up in the same room? I'd go nuts, but then again, I think anyone would.
Crumb wearing nothing but pants and a Flaming Orc helmet? I'm scarred. For life.
Alex: 'He's trying to be something better.' Oh, the irony...
Crumb's singing: Can I have that as my ringtone? I'd get some strange looks, that's for sure.
Wait... they have a Nectar card?
Bobby's bear hugs look terrifying. No wonder Mr Rook thought that he was attacking Tom.
Oh for God's sake, Mr Rook. I was beginning to like you, and now you're palling around with the Devil?
I'm really not surprised that Crumb doesn't have a girlfriend.
Also, does no-one notice the weirdo in the shirt talking to himself in a corner (Uh... that's Crumb)?
There's a weird irony here - last series Mr Rook was striving to make sure no-one knew about a werewolf attack. This series, he's striving to make sure everyone in the goddamn world knows about a werewolf attack. You're doing your job well, Mr Rook.
The wolf sprinting across the Barry streets to the hotel must have turned some heads.
Naked hugging: it's not weird if you're a werewolf.
Crumb is probably the person who comes off best this episode - and he's dead.
Hal - Stop it. Stop it now. Oh... he's wearing a blood-stained vest in the trailer? OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
MORAL OF THE EPISODE - If you become a vampire, reach for the stake and/or the nearest glass of werewolf blood.
LETTERS
ONE - Aw, look at you, being the mentor. After being pushed around like a pinball by Larry last time, now you're actually being a mentor to someone (even if part of that relationship is based on lies about being a well-known lifeguard, and even if that 'someone' likes answering machines and naked bear hugs).
I probably shouldn't go on about it, though, with the suicide and all. Just a quick tip (for the umpteenth time, it seems): you know that creepy guy in the wheelchair? The guy who made you clean his colostomy bag out two weeks ago? Yeah, it was his fault. I mean, look at him, he's already killed the manager, an employee and caused a food fight between you and Hal. Watch out for him, honest.
Just in case: I told you so.
PTS
TWO - Oh, you've got to be kidding me. I've warned you time after time, and look what you went and did - glugging down a bottle of blood like a little kid trying tea for the first time (I was that six-year-old) is not advisable, ever, even in times of extreme stress, and especially when you've spent weeks trying to get Crumb off the blood.
So, I guess this is it: the slippery slope has become the site of a particularly violent rockslide. Evil Hal's on the way back. To be honest, this is actually quite fun for me in some ways. And you know what those ways are? BLOOD PUNS. Yep, you bloody crossed the line here. There's no bloody coming back from this... I'd better bloody save these for next week.
PTS
THREE - So, as it turns out, you were a little wrong about the whole 'we can be human, even though no-one can see me!' thing, which is a bit rubbish. To be honest, I'm surprised you expected a fish supper with Crumb of all people to end well, but there you go. At least you tried to do a good thing and didn't mess it all up at the end, unlike our vampire friend over there, eh?
Oh, and you know I told you last week to watch out for Hal? Well, work fast, because you might just need to wheel out that chair again. Yep, he's back to drinking blood, so keep the chair on high alert. Honestly, tie him up now if you need to - you'll be saving an awful lot of lives. Probably.
PTS
FOUR - Yep, you probably did end up winning. I was actually feeling pretty sorry for you, with Hal and Alex making doe eyes at each other and that bloodlust nagging away - the werewolf blood was actually more of a mercy kill than anything else.
And seeing as you're a pile of ashes on the floor, I might as well tell you that it was a good time to go. If you'd stayed around, Hal would've probably started teaching you how to drink blood (pick up glass, lift glass to mouth, pour into mouth, swallow), rather than stay off blood. And that wouldn't have ended very well, would it?
PTS
FIVE - Hello there. Yep, I'm writing to another dead guy, but I think you probably deserve a letter, dead or alive. I just want to tell you, you're amazing. Well, uh, apart from the minor lack of intelligence, but I think I'll let that one slide. You do give one hell of a bear hug, though.
I'm sorry about Captain Hatch, I've been trying to tell everyone for weeks now. And they're still not listening. To be honest, I'm close to giving up - it'll end in tears, I'll tell you that... and I've gone completely off-topic, haven't I?
PTS
SIX - I tried, I did. I told you to sit on the naughty step (which wasn't a great idea, in retrospect), and gave you a telling off... and you killed Bobby. Seriously, even if you are the Devil, you have some serious anger issues. Maybe seeing a psychiatrist would help? Although you'd probably kill the psychiatrist anyway (Note to self: do not tell the Devil to visit a psychiatrist).
But since you're getting slowly more murderous, a quick warning: stop killing people. I know you need it to gain your powers back, but now's a good time to settle for second best. And whatever you do: don't kill Tom, or Hal. Maybe Hal. Probably not Hal. Don't kill Hal.
PTS
QUICK REVIEW - The best episode of the series so far, without a doubt - but if I had to put my critic hat on, your enjoyment does hinge on whether you like Crumb or not. I do. A lot.
So, that's it for this week. Please review - positive reviews are great, but constructive criticism is just as welcome - I'm nowhere near perfect, and tips will mean better chapters for you to enjoy, as we head into (eek!) the final two episodes of Being Human. Ever.
The chapter for the penultimate episode of Being Human, 'No Care, All Responsibility', will be uploaded on Monday 4 March.
PTS out.