Part Four

Achilles: "It's Troy, it's Troy. We're finally here... And not a moment to soon. The pizza just ran out, no thanks to Patroclus here."Glares at Patroclus who is doing his hair.

Patroclus: "Listen, we've been over this again and again. It was cold.

Achilles: "It was also express. Do you have any idea how long it takes those albatrosses to wing their way across the Aegean sea and pick out a black sail among a thousand other ships? DO YOU?

Patroclus: "I told you not to waste your gold on albatrosses. What did I say? Didn't I say snail mail was the way to go?"

Achilles: Irate. "Snails can't make it across the bloody ocean!"

Odysseus: From the ship on the left. "Troy... where the white walls rise... And where great treasure lies... And where we'll all die...

Agamemnon: From the ship on the right. "Odysseus! For the last time. Stop.. stop.. STOP! Do you know what your doing to the soldier's morale? Telling them we're going to die!

Odysseus: "But I was inspired. Did you hear that. I call it rhyming, and it shall be my rhyme and I shall rhyme and shall be known for rhyming. I mean... It was like three words that sounded the same, but meant different things, but all made sense. Ah, surely Apollo has hand-selected me as his protege."

Golden arrow comes out of nowhere and strikes Odysseus down with a nasty flu bug

Odysseus: Nasally voice. "Or not..."

Achilles: "Oh dear gods in Olympus... Is that what I think it is!"

Patroclus: Vaguely. "What?"

Achilles: "It's... gold, no silver... well.. anyway. Something shiny."

Agamemnon: "You idiots! It's an army. Troy's army. Trojans."

Achilles: Blank look

Agamemnon: "Spears, swords, javelins, knives. Blood, murder, death, destruction."

Odysseus: Wheezing through mucus plugged sinus's. "You know, Agie. You'd better go find yourself a shrink. That whole preoccupation with death and blood and all... Not good man.

Agamemnon: Jumping up and down. "It's the Army. It's the Trojans. The ones we've come to fight? Remember?"

Achilles: "You know he's right. I do remember something like that. You know, about war and fighting and me showing off and..."

Patroclus: "You know, it doesn't always have to be all about you Achilles. I mean, look... You've got sunburn streaks. My tan is perfect. I'm much better qualified to be the the golden-god handsome boy in the film.

Odysseus: "When do we have to start reading the film script?" Sneezes.

Director: "3,2,1... Action!"

Patroclus: "But my hair's not done. The make-up department for this movie sucks! I'm suing." Gets distracted by the pretty shells around his neck.

Agamemnon: "Oh, wait. The opening bit is my line. I know this..." Clears throat. "What in the blazes is that man doing. That boat.. it's Achilles. Is he mad? Taking on the entire Trojan army singlehandedly?"

Achilles: Looking worried. "Wait... Singlehandedly. Hey guys... I'm not sure I agreed to this in the contract."

Director: "Too late and Agamemnon. It's not a boat! It's a ship. Ship. Remember that."

Achilles boat strikes land

Director: "Time for your big moment, Achilles."

Achilles: "Whaaaat"

Patroclus: Hisses. "Your speech, you bumboo. The pep talk."

Achilles: "Oh yes." Sticks out chest proudly and unsheathes dagger using it as a pointer. "We will all fight to the death, for eternal glory and for pizza and unstreaked tans. Forward my Martians." Flings hand dramatically and stabs soldier with dagger.

Agamemnon: Groaning. "Not Martians... Myrmiddons."

Achilles: "Your just jealous."

Patroclus: Sniggers. "Of what, streaked tan?"

Achilles: "It's not streaked! I'm just fairer on one side."

Patroclus: "Your in denial."

Agamemnon: "He does have a point."

Director: "CUT!" Grabs a root beer. "You people! Your driving me to drink. I haven't done this in years. I thought I broke the habit." Swigs more root beer.

Patroclus: Whispers. "Definitely on Prozac."

End of Part Four