Chapter 4

Beyond If

It dies away quickly and quietly.

They die away quickly and quietly.

All affection drained from Kurt's exterior, or masked, Blaine has to learn 'There is no us anymore.'

Kurt had thrown him out of not just his bedroom, but the house that day, after Blaine had just stood there, apologetic look on his face but no words on his lips to explain to Kurt what had just happened, nor why.

No amount of texts or attempted calls has since opened any of the doors again.

At school Kurt avoids Blaine at all costs, has quit The Warblers and rushes in and out of any other space they share through the days.

And then there is graduation and Blaine sitting at home day in day out when he is not packing, wrecking his nerves, wishing Kurt would answer his calls now. But he still does not.

Blaine shows up for Warbler practice, twice, after graduation, wanders the Dalton halls and grounds before and after.

Both times Kurt is nowhere to be found.

So Blaine stops coming back.

But before he leaves Ohio behind for good he picks one day, a single day to do what he can, and what he can no longer help doing. Whether he likes it or not. Whether Kurt likes it … or not.

'And he won't,' Blaine thinks, 'won't like any of this at all,' stomach sinking as he steps for the first time not into Kurt's home, nothing but the other boy on his mind, but into his father's place of work.

'Hummel Tires & Lube' Blaine reads once silently with a single glance back before fixing his eyes on the middle-aged man bend over one of the several cars occupying the space.

"Hello, Mr. Hummel."

"Blaine? Hey. What are you doing here? I thought you'd already left for New York. I haven't seen you at our place for weeks."

"Yeah. No. I. Um … . I'm leaving this weekend. Just trying to get some things straightened out before." Blaine flinches at his own choice of words.

Burt looks the boy up and down once, while wiping his hands on a cloth that Blaine thinks looks like it cannot possibly absorb any more oil and whatever else dirt there is to be absorbed.

Blaine too is brimming over with something dark and grim.

He is torn from watching the man's hands' rhythmical movements by his voice, "So you have something to … straighten out? With me?"

"No. Yes. Not exactly. But yeah. Kind of." Blaine falls quiet as soon as the jumble of words has left his mouth.

"What's up?" Burt watches on for a moment or so more as Blaine's lips tremble with the words held back, then, "Hey, it's okay."

Burt takes two steps closer, reaches out in the moment that Blaine breaks open, gaze wide as Burt finds it, words tumbling into sentences, out of his mouth, "It's not. It's not okay. Kurt is …, he, it does not make sense. I don't understand why, and I don't know what to do."

Burt puts an arm around Blaine's shoulders who flinches at the first instance of this unfamiliar touch, "Let's go inside."

With these words Burt leads Blaine into his office, sits him down on a chair and turns and pulls another chair close, from the wall by the side of the door, "What's going on with you two?"

Blaine sits wringing his hands, 'I kissed him. He freaked out, I think, because that jerk at his old school has been abusing him in all sorts of ways … for years. And oh, … he CUTS. I wish he would talk to me again … . I've screwed it all up. I've lost him.'

"Blaine. Hey."

"I'm fine."

"You are crying."

"I'm fine," Blaine, more stubborn now than courageous, still tries to insist. But it comes out in a teary, chocked up, broken sob. "I've lost him. I don't want you to as well. And I don't know what me telling you will do, but I can't not tell you. I'm so sorry. Make sure to tell him I was the one to tell you, please. Maybe he can forgive at least you then … in time."

"Forgive me what?" Burt almost whispers back at the boy, still clueless as to what to expect.

"Kurt cuts. Has been for, for … a while. His lower stomach is covered in scars and cuts. He begged me not to tell you. But he has stopped talking to me, and I'll be gone in a couple of days. I had to let you know. He needs help. And he is not getting any right now. I don't want him to be hurting like this. It is all getting worse and I screwed it all up. He was starting to trust me. And I fucked it all up. Because … because … . I think, I … I …. He kept passing me in the hallways the last weeks I was at Dalton, gritting his teeth with every step. He is hurting so much. He must be cutting more than before even now. And he is still hiding it. I fucked it all up. Because I …, I … ."

Burt pulls him into a tight hug that has the boy freeze, Burt's voice in the next second breaking heavily into the silence, ""Because you love him?"

Blaine shakes his head where it is buried against Burt's chest, not to negate anything. But desperation having torn all the words from his throat, leaving it dry and aching, like all of the boy.

"I don't know what to do. I don't know. He … he hates me … HATES me."

Burt stays quiet for a long time before he replies, "I don't think he could."

But Blaine, just as Burt himself, hears the words lacking conviction. And even if Burt had tried to assure him of Kurt's affection for him being buried under pain but there nontheless, Blaine knows he would not have thought it to be true anyway. Because the truth is that Kurt and he, they have been a strong but short lived presence in each other's lives.

The truth is '… people come and go,' and life has to go on. Blaine has learned that already a long time ago, losing his brother to the years between them in age.

What will stick far beyond today with Blaine is the tear in Burt's voice as he breaths out still in shock, "He cuts."

"Yes," is all Blaine whispers back. Because what else is there to say? If Blaine knew he might not be here … but with Kurt.

"Thank you so much for telling me," Burt breaks the silence for a last time … before letting go of the boy.