A/N: Heh, I know it hasn't been a week yet. But this chapter wanted to be produced early so I thought 'why not?'. I hope you don't mind…? (grins)

BUT, first things first… Thank you so much for those fantastic reviews! (glomps) They seriously mean a lot to me, ya know?

Awkay, because I bet you don't want to read half a page of my note… Let's go! (gulps thickly) I REALLY hope you'll enjoy the ride.

CHAPTER 4 – Life, Loss, Leaving

Apart from the pouring rain that'd appeared out of nowhere the slowly dawning morning was completely quiet as Spencer emerged from Penelope and Kevin's house. He felt slightly warmer than before when finding Shawn sitting on the stairs that led to the porch.

"I'm… not planning on leaving, or anything." Shawn's words caught him slightly off-guard. The man pulled in a breath. "I just… needed to think."

Spencer nodded, not daring to approach yet.

About half a minute later Shawn's utterly tense shoulders relaxed ever so slightly, as though the man had come to some sort of a conclusion. "Joey… Even though she isn't mine, I… I guess I wanted to think she is. I haven't wanted to even think about the… other father. Before today I didn't have to – I could pretend." There was a slightly bitter chuckle. "Pretty stupid, huh?"

Spencer felt his eyes soften. Not bothering to think if he was risking something he walked to his boyfriend and lay a gentle hand to the man's shoulder, rubbing softly. "She is your daughter, Shawn. You've been in her life since she was born – you've raised her with me, loved and protected her. Who knows how either one of us would've turned out without you! It's not all about biology."

Shawn was quiet for a moment. "What about Derek?"

He grit his teeth, not sure why he felt a sharp twinge. "I'm not sure if he wants anything to do with Jo. I don't think even he knows. And whatever part he wants, he could never replace you." He squeezed Shawn's shoulder. "He has another life, now. And so do I."

Shawn breathed, but didn't speak. The shoulder Spencer was still holding twitched.

Spencer swallowed thickly, a tight ball forming in the pit of his stomach. He had to gather himself for a second. "If you want to leave…"

Shawn shook his head, finally looking at him. Hard as he tried he couldn't name all the emotions dancing in those eyes. "Spence, for crying out loud, I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to!" The man's voice then turned slightly softer. "I'm not leaving you." Those eyes were utterly soft as they glanced towards his still flat stomach. "I'm not walking out on any of the three of you, because I'm planning on being a better father than yours."

Spencer nodded, not sure what else to do. It took what felt like ages before he managed to speak again. "Are we gonna make it through this?"

Not saying a word Shawn placed a hand on top of his, which was still rubbing the man's shoulder, and squeezed. And somehow the rain didn't sound so loud anymore.

Rain was the only sound heard in the room as Derek and Gemma sat in the kitchen with two mugs of long since coldened coffee placed to the table between them. They'd been supposed to talk as soon as they got home, but over the past two hours they hadn't uttered a word. Somehow it felt like the situation at hand was beyond words.

In the end Derek swallowed thickly, feeling uncharacteristically unsure. "We've gotta decide how to get over this, Gem."

It took a long moment before he got a reaction. "You… You have a kid with someone else, Derek!" Gemma's eyes were moist, but she wasn't crying. "That little-girl, Joey… She's your daughter. And… I can't just ignore that. We can't pretend she doesn't exist!"

Derek took a deep breath, his feelings much too close to the surface for this conversation. "I know. I know." His fingers twitched, but he didn't quite dare to take her hand. "But you do know that it doesn't change the way I feel about you, right?"

Gemma's eyes were somewhat sad as she looked at him. "It's not the way you feel about me I'm the most worried about." She swallowed thickly, visibly bracing herself to look at him. "I… I don't have a clue of what happened between you two in the past. But I do know that since Spencer came back your mind's been with him all the time. I'm not sure if you even realize how much you love him, but I know. And I don't think you stopped for even a second when he was away."

Derek opened his mouth to tell her that she was wrong – that he didn't have feelings for Spencer, that she was the only one he could imagine spending his life with. But he couldn't get a single word out.

Several endlessly long moments drifted by before he spoke surprisingly quietly. "Where do we go from here?"

Gemma sighed heavily, and he could see she was shaking. Her eyes refused to meet his, instead focused on the window although rain made it impossible to see through. "I'm going to gather some of my stuff and go to my mom, at least for a while. But… After that…" She shook her head, appearing close to tears but holding strong. "I… I really don't know. I only know that I don't want to marry someone who thinks of someone else on our wedding day and ends up regretting ever marrying me. I don't want to end up making a huge mistake." She grit her teeth tightly. "I… I think deserve better than being a second choice. And you deserve better than your second choice."

Derek wanted to say something, anything. But instead he squeezed his lips to a thin, tight line. He didn't manage to move a muscle as Gemma got up after a second, bravely keeping up a strong front as she cast a one more look towards him before leaving the room.

And just like that it was too late.

Outside the rain continued as Derek groaned and buried his face into his hands, feeling a nasty headache rising.

For the first time in years he had absolutely no idea where the hell his life was going.

The following day Shawn had some urgent things to take care of, so Spencer took Joey to a nearby park. It felt strange to sit there, in a city that'd once been his home. And it got even weirder when he saw the person approaching him.

He swallowed with severe difficulty. "What… are you doing here?"

For just a moment Derek appeared almost amused while shaking his head. "I don't have a clue." As though moving free of will the man's eyes shifted towards Joey while the dark-skinned man took a seat beside him. Several emotions swam on the the older man's face before he was able to control himself. "I… still can't believe this is all real. That this is possible."

Spencer's painfully tense muscles relaxed. "Neither can I."

There was a long, surprisingly comfortable silence before Derek spoke. "She's hell a lot like you."

One corner of Spencer's lips twitched. "Whether that's a good thing or bad."

They observed the little-girl for the longest time deep in thought before Derek spoke, most likely not meaning to say the words out loud. "I wish you'd told me. You should've told me." There was some sadness in the man's voice. But for the first time since his return the anger was completely gone – perhaps Derek had grown tired of it. "I… I would've been there for you, both of you. You should've trusted me."

Spencer felt a sharp jolt of guilt and sighed. "I know. And… I'm sorry. But for a long time I wasn't sure if she was even yours, I wasn't sure about anything – I was scared out of my mind. And when I found out the truth, after she was born…" He shrugged, feeling something he couldn't name. "… it was too late. You'd moved on."

To his surprise Derek didn't explode. The man was close to smiling. "And here I thought you're a genius. We were friends long before all that shit started, before… that night. Nothing changes that." It was the dark-skinned man's turn to shrug. "I guess I should've remembered that sooner, but you know how I can be." 'Especially when it comes to you', went unsaid. "I didn't really think until last night."

Spencer smiled when Joey looked at him with a radiant smile of her own and a wave. Beside him Derek shifted, as though feeling uncomfortable. It was easy to tell that for a moment Derek wondered just how much he'd lost. And Spencer had never felt such guilt in his life, not even when his mother ended up to a hospital.

"When… are you going to leave?" Derek asked all of a sudden in a tone he'd never heard before.

Spencer hesitated, not wanting to disturb their newly found peace. "Tomorrow, in the morning. Why?"

There was a surprisingly unsure look on Derek's face. "I know this probably sounds stupid, but… Can I buy Jo ice cream, or something?" Seeing his nearly shocked expression the man went on. "It's not like I could just start playing dad, and I don't think she'd need a third father-figure, but… I want to be uncle-Derek, at least. I want her to know me."

Spencer didn't know exactly why, but at the moment it was easy to smile. "Yeah", he murmured, turning his gaze back to his daughter although it was surprisingly difficult to look away from Derek. "That…" He cleared his throat. "That sounds like a good idea. She loves ice cream."

Saying Joey was excited about getting ice cream would've been a huge understatement. And when she heard that Derek would buy her the biggest ball in the world the dark-skinned man had won her over completely.

Spencer had hard time disguising his amusement when he saw Derek's openly stunned look as the little-girl said she wanted mocha of all flavors. "Are you sure?"

Joey nodded without a hint of hesitation. "I love mocha!" At the moment her eyes were so much like Spencer's that it surprised both him and Derek. "Did you know that it's the favorite flavor of about four or five percent of people?"

Derek clearly had hard time stifling a laughter. "No, I didn't." The man looked at him. "Damn, Reid! She's deffinitely taking after you."

Feeling more relaxed than he ever had since arriving to the city Spencer smiled a bit. "I know." He ruffled the girl's hair. "It's only a matter of time before she starts drinking coffee."

Derek returned his smile. And for the first time since he'd been abducted Spencer felt like things were normal between them. Like they could finally move on from all that crap.

He snapped out of his thoughts when Derek handed Joey her ice cream. She took it like it'd been the world's most precious treasure. "Thank you, uncle-Derek."

Derek's face tightened, barely even noticeably but still, at the world 'uncle'. But the man's expression was almost soft. "You're welcome, kid. Not let's get us a table."

To Spencer it told a lot that Joey didn't protest being called a 'kid'.

A bit later Spencer watched how Joey blabbered constantly while licking ice cream, shooting out facts that didn't seem to fit into the mouth of a five-year-old, and Derek joined in with stunning ease. And Spencer couldn't help thinking that the moment felt right somehow.

When Derek came home several hours later the first thing he noticed was the envelope lay on the carpet less than a step away from the door. He frowned, then took the envelope and opened it as swiftly as if it'd burned.

It turned out to be a letter, along with Gemma's engagement ring. The words he read made everything freeze inside him for a moment.

'Dear Derek,

I didn't sleep at all last night, because I couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't stop thinking about you, us. And the further I got the more clearly I realized just how insane it all was.

I do love you. But I can't throw the rest of my life away for something that isn't even real. No matter how much I'd give you it wouldn't be enough, because I just don't have what you're looking for.

As much as I would've wanted this, us, to work I can't live in a illusion. And I can't make you do so, either. So I'm letting you go – I'm letting both of us go.

I need to be away from you for a while to think clearly, so I'll spend a month or so in Europe. It's something I've wanted to do since I was a teenager, and now I'm finally strong enough, brave enough. I have you to thank for that. Maybe over that time I'll finally find what I've been looking for. I hope you'll find what you're looking for as well, whether that's Spencer or something else entirely. And who knows. Maybe we'll both end up happy eventually.

With love, always,

Gemma '

For the longest time Derek simply stared at the letter in his hands, barely managing to believe. And then he dashed out of the door and threw it closed.

After the somewhat bizarre morning with Derek Spencer decided that he needed to sort out his head. And as he always did when there was something on his mind he walked. Walked until he was in a part of the city he'd never seen during the many years he lived there.

He blinked twice, as though waking up from a dream.

A second later he was almost startled when his cell phone started ringing. He cleared his throat before answering. "Yeah?"

"Hey." Shawn's familiar voice held some confusion and worry. "You've been away for over an hour. Where are you?"

Spencer had to chuckle a bit at that as he looked around. "Honestly? I have no idea." He then noticed a subway station nearby. "I just found a subway. I'll be there in a bit."

"'K. See you soon." Shawn sounded slightly calmer. "I love you."

In all honesty Spencer couldn't tell what the expression on his face was like. "I love you too." He wasn't sure which one of them hung up.

He took the first couple of steps until his phone bleeped, informing him that he'd received a text message. He took a look, almost sure the message was from Shawn – and felt his whole world tilt for a moment as the words registered to him.

'Can you come to that park where you were with Jo earlier? We need to talk.

-Morgan'

He stood absolutely still for the longest time, barely daring to breathe in fear that it'd push him off balance. And then, so harshly that it almost hurt, he came to a decision.

Spencer made it to the stairs that led down to the subway until a sharp, extremely painful twinge in his stomach forced him to halt. He felt the little color there'd been on his face disappear as he leaned heavily on the railing, shaking violently. The first wave of pain had barely passed by when another struck, and he had hard time keeping himself from screaming. One of his hands flew to his stomach as something seemed to be twisting and turning there. He'd never felt anything such, and found himself feeling as scared as only a parent can be for their child.

Something was wrong. Badly wrong.

And like things hadn't been bad enough fate decided to butt in once more. A man who looked like a bodybuilder walked past him, giving him a firm shove. "Get out of my way!"

The push might've been perfectly harmless under any other circumstances. But Spencer had been in a bad balance to begin with, and the light thrust was enough to shatter it completely.

He only managed to emit a loud gasp before he was flying through the air – and landed violently to his stomach. In a flash pain shot through his body once more, with ten times more strength than before, and if there'd been any air left in his lungs he would've screamed.

The last thing he felt before darkness consumed him was absolutely all the pain centering to his stomach and something warm sliding to his legs.

TBC, for a bit, right?

A/N: Oh boy… (winces) We'll see just how things roll forward from there, when there are so many complications to be sorted out. And what about Reid and the baby?

PLEASE, do leave a review! You clicking those blue words down below would make me so happy, ya know? So… Pretty please? (blinks cutely)

IN THE NEXT ONE: Things change once more when a tragedy strikes. Will this open a route to a happy ending, and if so for who?

ONLY TWO MORE TO GO! (sobs a bit)

Until next time, folks! I really, REALLY hope I'll see you all then!

Take care!