SCENE FOURISH

(JESSICA and BELLA are in a dress store. On the other side of the stage there is a book store. In the middle there is nothing.)

BELLA
How about this dress?

JESSICA
No, you'd look like a whore.

BELLA
Oh… how about these shoes?

JESSICA
Nope. They'd just scream slut.

BELLA
Maybe I just won't go to prom. I can't dance anyways.

(BELLA trips.)

JESSICA
No, you have to go! That way I can show you up when I'm crowned queen!

BELLA
What?

JESSICA
I said that I'd be so lonely without you. It'd be devastating.

BELLA
Fine. What about this necklace?

JESSICA
Maybe if you want to scream 'I'm such a skank that I'll even sleep with the undead.'

BELLA
Yeah, I think that will work!

JESSICA
Whatever. Let's go get something to eat. I haven't eaten since last month and it's time for a binge. Then it's time for some serious alone time with my toothbrush. And I'm not talking about my electric one.

BELLA
You go ahead. I'm going to go look at some books.

JESSICA
What for? I didn't know you could read.

BELLA
Well, I can't, but my dad wants some books on dogs because the neighbors have some that won't stop howling. I'll catch up with you at the restaurant.

JESSICA
'Kay, fine with me. Don't get raped.

(BELLA goes across to look around the books. BILLY comes in with his chair.)

BILLY
Hey there, Bella. What can I do you for?

BELLA
I don't know, a dollar? I'm pretty cheap.

BILLY
I mean how can I help you…? I run this book store. It's actually on part of the Indian reserve. There's a casino in the back.

BELLA
Oh, I just needed a book on dogs. That dog that started howling when you visited? He's still at it at night. It's pretty annoying, so my dad asked me to get a book for him.

BILLY
Oh! I have the perfect book for you!

(BILLY hands her a book.)

BELLA
But all this says is 'you should date my son Jacob. Charlie approves.'

BILLY
Oops, wrong one. Let me see here…

(BILLY throws the book away and grabs another one.)

BELLA
My Boyfriend's a Vampire, a Womanizer, and a Lazy Jackass, Ten Ways To Get Rid of Him if Holy Water Won't Work? That's not exactly what I'm looking for.

(BILLY throws the book at BELLA and grabs another book.)

BILLY
This is it! Here!

BELLA
How to Not Accidentally Hunt Your Dad's Best Friend's Son While Mistaking Him For A Dog. Thanks, this seems really helpful!

BILLY
This one's on the house! See you later when me and your dad go wrestle a buffalo to get ready for football season.

BELLA
Okay! See you!

(BELLA walks to the center of the stage. As she walks, everything else is cleared off.)

JACOB (O.S.)
Here Bella, Bella, Bella…

BELLA
Who is that? Edward? Who's there? I hope it's not a rapist!

JACOB (O.S.)
Come here you hot foxy mama, and give your daddy some love…

BELLA
Charlie? Is that you?

JACOB (O.S.)
Come on Bella, follow the sound of my voice!

EDWARD (O.S.)
Stay away from my girlfriend!

(EDWARD runs out holding a steering wheel. JASPER and EMMETT are behind him, as if they were riding in a car.)

EDWARD
I'll save you Bella! Oh! Ice!

(EDWARD, EMMETT, and JASPER start spinning. EDWARD throws the steering wheel at BELLA's face.)

EDWARD
Whoa! Are you okay?

JASPER
I… smell… blood…

(JACOB comes out wearing a bandana.)

JACOB
Edward? Why did you do that to poor Bella? I was only joking around.

BELLA
It's okay, I'm just a little lightheaded. It might be because all of this blood flowing out of the huge gash in my head.

JASPER
BLOOD!

(EMMETT stops JASPER from running at BELLA.)

EMMETT
Oh, no baby! We've done so good baby! Don't cave in now! You can resist!

BELLA
And I have a paper cut!

JASPER
Must… drink… blood…

BELLA
Oh! I think I started my period too!

JASPER
I NEED BLOOD!

(JACOB puts the bandana to BELLA's head as EMMETT and JASPER struggle.)

EDWARD
Get him out of here!

EMMETT
Come on baby, just calm down. Back up. You don't want to hurt anyone. Just take it easy, baby. Come on.

(EMMETT drags JASPER out.)

JACOB
Did you see that? Your vampire freak siblings almost tore Bella apart!

EDWARD
I'm so sorry, Bella. Jacob, could you give us some space?

JACOB
No, you almost killed her! I'm not going to leave her alone.

(EDWARD throws a Frisbee offstage.)

JACOB
That's not going to-

EDWARD
There boy, go fetch!

(JACOB runs after it.)

BELLA
Edward, my love, don't worry. I still love you, even though you almost killed me.

EDWARD
I'm so sorry. I think tonight has proved some things.

BELLA
Like what?

EDWARD
We can't be together. You might get hurt again.

BELLA
But we love each other!

EDWARD
I'm sorry. But I don't feel the same way.

Do you have the time
To listen to my rhyme
About nothing and everything
All at once
I am one of those
Observatory freaks
Who watch you when you sleep
No doubt about it

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes your mind plays tricks on me
It's just not adding up
'Cause I can't read your mind
Am I just a big freak?
Am I just stone?

I just really think
That those dreams need to stop
The ones with us and sex
Because they are gross
Not saying you're a whore
But your life is a bore
So quit your whining cause
It's bringing me down

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes your mind plays tricks on me
It's just not adding up
'Cause I can't read your mind
Am I just a big freak?
Uh, yuh, yuh, ya

Grasping to control
So you better not hold on

Bella, I don't think it's work-ing
Because you're just a ding-a-ling
Now it's adding up
I know we're breaking up
Are you delusional?
Am I not clear?

BELLA
Edward… what are you trying to say?

EDWARD
God, you stupid bitch! We're over!

(EDWARD storms away.)

BELLA
No! Edward! My love! … I'll just curl up in a ball and die.

(BELLA curls up in a ball and dies.)

CHARLIE (O.S.)
BELLA! Bella! BELLA!

BILLY (O.S.)
BELLA! Where are you Bella?

JACOB (O.S.)
BELLA! Can you hear me? Bella! Where are you?

SAM (O.S.)
LITTLE GIRL! WHERE ARE YOU?

(JAMES and VICTORIA walk over and stand over BELLA.)

JAMES
Shouldn't we just kill her now?

VICTORIA
No, that would be anticlimactic. We have to wait for the mate to return, then we can make the kill…

JAMES
Yes! The sexy vampire! Does that mean we aren't going to kill the mate?

VICTORIA
No, you idiot. We're killing everyone. Even the audience. Get your act together.

JAMES
This is an act. Act One, to be exact.

VICTORIA
Shut up. It's almost over. Let's get out of here.

(JAMES and VICTORIA walk away. JACOB and SAM walk on.)

JACOB
Bella? Bella! Bell- oh, hell! Bella, are you alright?

BELLA
He's gone… gone…

JACOB
I knew I shouldn't have left you with that freak. Come on. Let's get you home.

(JACOB grabs BELLA's hands and SAM grabs her feet, and they carry her away.)

Edward's little number was Basket Girlfriend/Basket Case by Green Day. I hope you've enjoyed the musical so far. Act I is done. Go ahead and stretch, fetch a soda, stake a vampire. Then come back and settle yourself in for Act II. (And don't forget to review!)