The reason I have three months to live. It's pretty twisted when I think about it. The doctors say it's rare and only occurs in like one out of ten million people. Which of course I had to be one of them. I have a disease called Epicema, it attacks the whole
body until there is nothing left to attack. First it goes after the immune system, rendering you prone to any disease. Then the nervous system, where it takes away signals that go to your brain. The first month isn't that bad. I'll get sick a lot and my body
will have random acts of defiance. But for the most part I should be fine from a day to day basis. The second month the symptoms get worse. My legs will stop and go as the doctor described to me. Basically they start to move on there own accord and
stop whenever the hell they want to. The rest of my body will do the same but to a lesser degree. I won't be able to leave my house because my immune system will be pretty much shot. I'll have to live in a completely clean house. Any little
thing I could catch might kill me in a couple of minutes. My mom and Rachel have made the house into what I like to call the "bio-dome"(Pauly Shore's best movie by the way). The house is spotless, not a spot of dust in sight. I have to give those two
women there dues, they really love me a lot to do all this for me. Now were down to the third month and most painful. Have you ever seen someone so weak and fragile that the wish they could just die and get it over with? Well that's how the third
month will be for me. I will be on my bed for the last month, probably screaming, with my body doing whatever it feels like. No control over anything. I'll be there but I won't, more like in a vegetarian state. They will have to strap me to the bed so I don't
do anything that could harm me. Just thinking about it now makes me want to vomit. I really don't want to go through with this. If it was up to me I would end it now while I still have control over things. But I promised my mom and Rachel that I wouldn't.
Really it's more for Rachel then my mom. I told Rachel I would be there when we win Nationals. Is it something that I can accomplish? Who knows, but I made her a promise and I intend to keep it. You can say it's the last promise I'll ever keep. A going
away present for her. Something for Rachel to remember when I'm gone. Should I be angry that this is happening to me? Of course I should, if I wasn't I'd be lying. Why me? Why not someone else who doesn't have their whole life ahead of them? I have
so many things I wanted to do with my life. Now I'll never be able to accomplish any of them. Mostly though, I regret not being able to be with Rachel. Call me selfish but it's not fair. I don't deserve this! I want to punch someone. I don't care who just
as long as they feel the pain that I'm feeling. My life was just starting to begin. The toughest problem I should have right now is picking a college. Not whether or not I can move my body or go outside. I'm scared of what will happen in the upcoming
weeks. I don't want to go out like this. No ones last moments should be them strapped to a bed while there loved ones look on powerless to do anything. And here I am crying now. I hate when I cry. Makes me feel like such a girl. But it's better to cry
now when I'm alone then in front of Rachel or my mom. There both trying so hard to keep their composure's. I know for a fact they cry. I've heard each cry on separate occasions when they thought I was sleeping. It's hard being around them in my
condition. I like to think of myself having an expiration date, with everyday that passes my freshness deteriorates. Corny and stupid yes, but something to laugh about. Haven't really had any symptoms pop up yet. Granted it's only been a week since the
diagnosis. I'm trying to prepare myself when it actually does hit me, but it's hard. How do you prepare for something that can happen at anytime? Mentally I'm exhausted and it's only the start. How will I feel when it's finally kicked in? I don't want to
sound like I'm giving up. Do I hope a miracle will happen and somehow I'll be cured miraculously? Duh, yea of course. But let's face reality here. There will be no miracle, no saving grace. I will be dead in less then three months. Nothing I can say or do will
change that. It sucks to be so powerless like this. Just waiting for the end to happen. The only silver lining is that I know Rachel loves me. Knowing that is the only reason I can move forward. Nationals will be her's, I'll bet my life on it. Actually I am
betting my life on it. Whatever is left of it to bet on.