Kerrianne holds her mug in both hands, studying the rough edges of her nails while resisting the urge to bite them. Fingernails are made out of a protein called keratin, and scars form after an injury to replace damaged collagen with new. Kerrianne knows this because they learned about it in biology the week Jimmy pulled her out of school.
The scars on either side of her Da's mouth are white with age and too precise to have been gained by accident; there is something sinister in the specific symmetry of them.
He sits beside her at one of the picnic tables outside of the SAMBEL clubhouse, closer than ever, sipping at his own tea and looking at her with a gentleness that has guilt crawling up Kerrianne's spine.
After she and her Ma got away, Kerrianne had time to think. She waited, soothing her frayed nerves by cutting her finger nails with her teeth, and she thought or she tried not to think. Either way, ideas hurtled through her mind like a run away train. She imagined what Jimmy would do to her and her Ma when he caught up with them - every detail in gory high definition - she contemplated the wounds he had already inflicted.
Kerrianne thinks about that night in the kitchen more than she should. The details, too vivid too block, divide and multiply, feeding the tumor of fear calcifying in the pit of her stomach.
She tried too to remember her Da, but every time she touched upon those memories they bleed together and faded. She remembers the sensation of flying, once, that the man besides her caught her in his arms and that she laughed with delight.
The man besides her looks at her fondly, like all he wants to do is sit and drink her in, but Kerrianne no longer knows how to fly and she fears leaping and falling. Her Da and she are strangers, and Jimmy's vile hate filled words, which spewed as he stood over her in the kitchen, have leeched into her soul like a poison.
Her Da smiles down at her, oblivious. "You, ah, look more like your Ma than me," He says after another long moment of silence. "You probably get that a lot."
"Yeah." I'm just like Ma in everyway that doesn't count for shite, Kerrianne thinks viciously, recalling how her Ma bore the brunt of Jimmy's abuse in steely silence.
Her father opens his mouth, looks like he wants to say something, but than he takes a long sip of tea. Desperate to do something, Kerrianne drinks her tea in quick gulps, throat burning as the liquid goes down the wrong pipe in a hot rush. She coughs, choking and spluttering.
Her Da thumps her on the back - hard. Kerrianne's eyes fill with tears as her throat clears; she sucks in huge gulps of air. Her vision blurs; tears spring to her eyes.
"Steady, darling."
Her Da's hand rests on her back; just resting, warm and large and heavy. She feels so ashamed of her inability to make the great leap of faith.
A tear slips from her eye; she bats it away quickly, sniffing. She brings her thumb to her mouth and bites the nail.
Finally.
Her mouth trembles around the cuticle.
"Hey," her Da says softly. "Hey, it's -"
The tears press against her eyelids; Kerrianne blinks them back, breathing rough in her own ears. Her Da's hand moves up and down her back; hot tears slip down her face as she begins to cry in earnest.
"Sweetheart, it's all right...It's...Shit..."
Kerrianne feels miserable crying like some stupid little kid.
Two arms wrap around her, pulling her in close, a strong, comforting hug. She can feel a wild thumping against her ear and she registers that it's her father's heart. "It's all right, darling," Her father says and his voice sounds funny, off. She remembers the sight of stray tears on his scarred cheeks, hours ago, after he drew her and her Ma to him for the first time in nearly a decade.
"I'm s-sorry," Kerrianne gasps.
"Yeah, now. None of that. You've been to the wars."
"Yeah," she agrees, whipping her face on the sleeve of her jacket. She wonders how well he knows Jimmy.
His lips skim the top of her head, pressing a fatherly kiss to the crown. "It's all going to be all right, Kerri, I promise."
And Kerrianne presses herself close and wills herself to believe.