Disclaimer: Ok, fooled you! I really am Stephenie and these are my characters.
Stephenie: Nope, they're not.
me: -puts on a long brown wig- Ok, now I'm Stephenie.
Stephenie: No, still not. -picks up phone to call lawyers-
me: Ok, fine. They're yours.
---At the Cullen mansion---
As I pulled up, I noticed a new addition to the front yard. It was a huge trampoline and jumping on it was Esme. She seemed to be repeating some chant resembling, "vamp on a tramp" over and over again As soon as she saw me she leapt off the trampoline and ran toward me.
"Hi Esme."
"Hi Bella. You'll make a wonderful addition to our family. You make Edward so happy. Don't touch hot things." She was beaming at me, a goofy grin plastered on her face.
Not likely. Edward was hot, and I was going to touch all of him. "Thanks for the advice. Have you seen Edward?"
"Oh, don't you worry about that dear. I think you are perfect. If Edward's happy I'm happy. Look both ways before crossing the street."
I was getting tired of the motherly crap and wanted to find my man. "Great, but that's not what I asked. Where's Edward?"
Still smiling, she said, "You two make a beautiful couple. And remember, stranger danger!"
Enough of this. I walked away from the grinning Esme toward the house. Trudging up the stairs I noticed a gloom begin to settle over me. I looked back toward Esme who was jumping on her trampoline again.
"Don't worry about the gloominess dear," Esme called. "Jasper has not been himself lately."
Ok, this should be interesting. I walked in the front door and was immediately blindsided by Rosalie. She grabbed a chunk of my hair and started braiding it.
"Hi soon to be sister! You look really pretty today. I gave up being mean for Vampire Lent so I hope we can be best friends."
I swatted her hands away. "Sure Rosalie. Is Edward upstairs?"
Rosalie was undeterred by my attempts to get away from her. Hair ribbons seemed to appear from nowhere and were now being tied into bows around my new plaits. She sighed contentedly and mumbled something about best friends.
Our female bonding was interrupted by a loud wail drifting from the living room. "You can't make me! I won't do it!"
I looked at Rosalie questioningly. She sighed. "Its only Jasper."
I used this as my escape plan. "I'm going to check if he's alright." Just as I turned to head into the living room, Emmett came running up to us with something slobbery hanging out of his mouth.
He dropped it at my feet looking at me with big, excited eyes. "Ball?"
I didn't quite catch was he said over Jaspers continued wails. "What did you say?"
"Ball!"
Rosalie just shook her head. "He wants you to throw his ball."
Emmett started jumping up and down. "Ball, ball, ball, ball!"
Rosalie picked it up and tossed it out the front door. Emmett's took off out the door, his booming laugh echoing behind him. Rosalie sighed again. "He's quite obnoxious really. Its like suddenly he's a mix between a golden retriever and a 4 year old."
I couldn't take any more of this. I headed over toward Jasper.
He was sitting in the middle of the floor, his knees pulled up to his chest, slowly rocking back and forth.
Looking closer at him, he looked like a kid that had gotten into his mom's makeup. His eyes were smeared with charcoal eye liner and it looked like someone had tried to dye his hair black. He was muttering "you can't make me" over and over again.
Alice was sitting on the couch surrounded by her purses. "One purse, ah, ah, ah. Two purses, ah, ah, ah." She glanced up at me. "Oh don't worry about him. He thinks some 'unknown force' is trying to make him all emo. He's turned into an emotional sap." She turned back to her counting.
"Why are you counting like that?"
"Its how vampires count."
Rosalie giggled. "She's been watching too much Sesame Street."
I walked over to Jasper and squatted down in front of him. "Are you ok?"
He instantly started to sob. "No! I'm in a glass case of emotion!"
"Are you stealing lines from movies?"
"No!" Suddenly, the tears stopped as he cocked his head. He began to look me over appraisingly. "You know, I think you and I could have something special. Me all emotional like, you all delicious smelling. You and I could rule the South!" He sprang to his feet and started singing,
"Make a little lovin'
A little turtle dovin' on a mason Dixon night
Fits my life, oh, so right, my Dixieland delight"
I cut off his singing. "Jasper, I really don't think that would be a good idea, you being married, and me engaged."
He started sobbing again. "But we're perfect for each other. We could get matching skinny jeans and band t-shirts and everything! Please Bella!"
"Uh, no. Anyway…"
Emmett came bounding back into the room, laughing obnoxiously.
"What's so funny Emmett?"
Still hooting with mirth Emmett shook his head. "I don't know," he gasped between giggles. "I can't seem to stop."
"Well you should try. Its really annoying." Between Jasper's sobbing and Emmett's laughing, I couldn't think anymore.
Despite the din, I finally saw Edward. He was walking down the stairs, his head hanging. I ran to him and flung myself at him.
"No Bella. I refuse to hurt you. That leaves only one obvious option." He reached into his pocket, pulled out his cell phone, and dialed. "Hello, Italy? I need a one way flight."
"Um, Eddie. Don't you think that's a bit of an overkill?"
"Nope. I'm too full of self loathing to consider anything else."
Maybe Jasper's offer wasn't sounding too bad anymore.
Suddenly the doorbell rang. Alice leapt off the couch, purses scattering, screeching, "I'll get it!" She flung the door open.
Looking at the new arrival, she appeared confused. "Hey aren't you supposed to…oooh! stilettos!" With that, she took off running out the door, following what appeared to be a trail of shoes leading toward the woods.
I walked over to the door to see who was there.
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song is by Alabama called Dixieland Delight. And FYI, I do listen to stuff other than country. You'll see in an upcoming chapter! Next chapter, sexy vamps reborn, irrational Bella kindapping scheme.
-kc