Disclaimer: I don't own anything! Except Voldebitch. I made that up. But if its in another story somewhere in the millions of Harry Potter fanfiction stories bite me!

Rated 'R' for things that like to slither into Lucy's pants. Like Hermione.

A/N: I updated, actually! I thought I wouldn't have as much time seeing as summer's over but I guess I'm not completely delayed. But guys, I really really appreciate all your wonderful reviews, so I really hope that I can continue writing this…oh, and we're most likely nowhere near the end. And if you like your stories to have only the characters Rowling created, you might not want to read.

Fajrafay- Interesting pen name! I'm glad you like it, and I find I like writing the humor more than seriousness…can you say necessary evil?...Teehee, EVIL!

LadyAna- Hmm, really? I think you've just given me another one-liner idea…thanks!

Faye047- Hey, it looks like you're really going to be one of my regular reviewers…yay! And I'm really really glad someone likes it and doesn't hate it like I do…can two people do the happy dance?

The Kid In The Corner- Mission accomplished. Another regular reviewer! YAY! And tell your friend that this isn't nothing, it's a perfect masterpiece of randomness. Perfect. Yeah. Cough And about Nagini, I hadn't read any stories about her so I decided to include her, and make her have a sense of humor a snake would probably have. I'm glad you like her!

Swtdreams07- They're meant to scare people. And Nagini is meant to distract that horror. But I'm pleasantly surprised you like their conversations because I thought that was the worst part..thanks!

TheHomicidalManiac777- There are SO many wizarding metaphors for stuff like that. You just wait and see. Thanks! And don't kill me…

Seri-chan- It's definitely not perfect. If it is, I've missed something. Haha, but I know, I always liked Blaise too A LOT, but I had to have somebody from Slytherin who would've gone out with Draco…all the other people from Slytherin are just too dang ugly. And on Blaise, of course eyeliner is hot. You'll see what the eyeliner is for, I included it for a reason…or did I? Heh.

Sennia35- It's supposed to be nuts. I mean, really, did anyone think that this was going to be a SERIOUS story? If you did, you ought to be a Hufflepuff.

Julebu- Thanks! I'm making the chapters a little short just in case I run out of story…Just kidding! I'm glad you like it, keep reading.

Whoo! I love you guys sooo much…can't you tell? And I haven't had a bad review yet…Now I will, just because I said that, but that's okay. As long as I don't make a sex scene with McGonagall I'll be fine.

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Chapter 4:

Slytherin Abounds

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Harry trudged into the Great Hall, soaking wet and practically frozen. It was again pouring outside, which was becoming a periodic tradition for the beginning of each year at Hogwarts. Give all the first years hypothermia and cause all of them die so Hermione and some other "adventurous individuals" couldn't get a hold of that much fresh meat. Unless Hagrid got to them first.

Once inside, Harry quickly scanned the room. He almost immediately found what he was looking for, in the form of one Draco Malfoy sitting alone at the Slytherin table. That in itself was indeed a rare occurrence, as Crabbe and Goyle and the usual Slytherin slaves and cronies were nowhere near him.

Harry sat down at the Gryffindor table, accompanied by Hermione and Ron, and Dean and Seamus to keep out the attacks of raging estrogen hormones directed at Harry.

Harry, being too naïve to worry about such things, had absolutely no idea of all the stares he was attracting from everywhere in the Hall. Being used to stares, he sort of tuned them out. The truth was that due to hard work in the Dursley's garden, he was actually-as Seamus said-bloody friggin gorgeous. Harry didn't believe him at all; he just dismissed it as untrue as Seamus pointed out his now exceptionally firm muscles and his yardwork tan, and especially the way his hair contrasted his vivid jungle green eyes.

Hermione was fervently hoping that none of this had gone to Harry's head. I mean, look at Malfoy. Being bloody gorgeous like he is has obviously addled his brains and poisoned his personality.

"Is it just me, or are more people staring this year than normal?" mumbled Harry.

Hermione was alarmed. No sense in telling him why, he'll just deny it. "Of course not, Harry," she said soothingly. "There's no reason for them to, is there?"

Ron opened his mouth to say "What are you talking about, bitch? Harry's bloody gorgeous!" but Hermione stomped on his foot. "Ow, Hermione!" he complained, but he looked oddly fulfilled all the same.

Harry gave them a questioning look, but said, "Okay, if you say so, but I still think more people are staring than usual. Even Malfoy is staring!"

Hermione whipped around. Well, would you look at that. I recognize interest when I see it, having seen it in Ron's eyes when he gets hit hard enough. I knew it! I'm so smart, hell yeah, so smart, go me, go me, go me, oh yeah, go me…

"HERMIONE!"

She looked around, startled. "What?"

Ron stared at her. "You were…dancing in your chair and muttering something like 'go me.' You…weren't doing that, were you?"

Hermione flushed. "So what if I was? I am the best, you know."

As Harry opened his mouth to question her sanity, Dumbledore cleared his throat. "I welcome you all back from what was hopefully a refreshing summer, and I hope you have all had a chance to empty your heads. All of them."

Harry exchanged a horrified look with Ron. He glanced up at the staff table and inwardly thought it looked like the Menopausal Rainbow. Professor McGonagall had turned red, but due to embarrassment or excitement, Harry didn't know. Professor Trelawney, who had apparently deigned to eat with the mundane, had turned an unstable shade of violet, as if she was suppressing herself from warning Dumbledore that his innuendo would cost him his head. Both of them.

Professor Sinistra, the Astronomy teacher, had turned white and looked faint. And just then, Harry noticed a new teacher. She was sitting to the right of Professor Flitwick, who was nowhere to be seen, most likely on the floor like a turtle wiggling his feet and arms in an effort to get up.

This new teacher had hair that was flowing around her shoulders that had a slightly green glow. Everything about her, in fact, had a slightly green glow. She looked ethereal and other-worldly, and extremely sophisticated. She gave off that air that suggests a kindly grandmother that is gentle and loving, and it seemed like she'd do anything to help her students. Currently she looked serenely indifferent to what Dumbledore had said.

Professor Sprout was the only teacher her original color. She was gazing blankly off into space with a completely vacant expression. Really, what did you expect from a Hufflepuff?

"This year, I'd like to explain some new and rather startling changes. I'm happy to announce that Professor Trelawney has discovered that she is extremely proficient in Defense Against the Dark Arts!"

Malevolent murmurs and astonished whispers spread like wildfire across the Hall.

"Trelawney, a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher?"

"Who does she think she is?!"

"Who does he think he is?!"

"Well, who's teaching Divination then?"

"The job's really jinxed now…"

"All Hufflepuffs must die!"

"Stop, Hermione…it hurts…"

Dumbledore cleared his throat again. "Therefore, we need a new teacher to fill the vacant Divination position, and I'm happy to say that Professor Ivy will do extremely nicely!"

The woman with the ethereal green glow rose from her chair and inclined her head regally and gazed at the students with eyes full of motherly warmth. "Thank you, Dumbledore," she said, in a voice that tinkled with benevolent laughter. "I am exceptionally pleased at this wonderful chance to teach these gifted students."

Not even the Slytherins could make a derogatory comment toward a woman who was such a good person.

Professor Ivy sat back down. The Hall resumed its normal chatter as the food appeared on the tables.

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A couple of hours later, Harry, Hermione, and Ron were conversing in the Gryffindor common room. Hermione had become all business-like. "So Harry, did you see anyone you might have fancied during dinner?" Her eyes looked positively alive with glee.

"Not really…" Harry said. He had repeatedly glanced at a certain Slytherin who had piqued his interest all through dinner, but he wasn't about to admit that to any of his friends.

Hermione wasn't fooled. "Oh come on, Harry, do you think I'm some Hufflepuff? I know there's got to be someone you might be interested in," she said.

"Maybe," Harry said helpfully.

"Fine, be a little bitch. Come on, Ron," Hermione said forcefully. She grabbed Ron's hand and dragged him toward the staircase to the girls' dormitories. Once Ron reached it, the stairs began to melt into a slide. "OH NO YOU FUCKING DON'T!" she yelled, whipping out her wand and causing the halfway-melted staircase to be come ridged again.

Harry sighed. I wish I had somebody to drag upstairs and violently rape. "Oh, you like it kinky, don't you," sneered his Slytherin side.

Duh.

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"Yes, Master?" said Lucius.

Nagini came slithering back into the room. "I thought you were told to leave?" said Voldemort crossly.

Nagini scoffed. "Well, I did, but then I realized you can't do a damn thing about me not leaving, so here I am."

Voldemort sighed. "Fine. Just keep out of our way."

Nagini put on an angelic expression. "Of course, Master, provided you don't breathe on me. It smells like you ate…Death! Get it? Death Eaters? Oh, fuck it. Bad audience. People can't get a joke."

"Yes, we can, you slithering slut! I was completely laughing my ass off," said Voldemort, in a voice oozing sarcasm.

"There's not much difference if it were on or off," said Nagini, eyeing Voldemort's bony backside.

"HOW DARE YOU!" Voldemort shrieked, jumping violently up and down. "I'll have you know my arse is the envy of my entire horde!"

Lucius suppressed a snort. "Could we possibly get back to the matter at hand, my lord?"

Voldemort was shaking with anger. "Fine! As I was saying, the Amour Vrai Charm reveals a hint about the subject's true love. These hints are usually useless if you do not know much about the people the subject could be in love with. Also, these hints happen so naturally that if you cast it you might attribute them to coincidence."

Nagini was interested. "What do you mean, Voldebitch?"

Voldemort snarled. "Let's use someone married as an example. Lucy?"

Lucius looked startled. "Me? I don't think I qualify at all, my lord. Narcissa is just a…a sex toy! That's all," he stammered.

"Fine," Voldemort spat. He muttered a few words and waved his wand, spelling out MOLLY WEASLEY.

A few seconds passed, and then a house elf came bursting in. "Master Malfoy, I discovered an injured Dark creature on the grounds! I was forced to use Muggle stitches as a remedy since you ordered me not to do magic. It's in the library now."

Voldemort smiled. "There you have it, Lucy. It's well known that fool Weasley tried to use Muggle stitches when Nagini bit him…"

"Only when he possessed me and made me fuck another snake to get his jollies," interrupted Nagini. "Filthy, disgusting son of a Hufflepuff Voldebitch…"

Voldemort looked scandalized. "Oh, Nagini," he cried, with tears in his eyes, "That hurts so much…Hufflepuff indeed!"

"Anyway, there you have it, Lucy," said Voldemort. "Now say it."

"Say what, my lord?" said Lucius innocently.

"SAY IT!"

"Voldemort, the lord of all that is Dark and all that will ever be, is the ruler of everything and is the coolest wizard ever," recited Lucius dully.

Voldemort grinned. "That's right, biotch! Now go take care of that Dark creature or whatever."

"Yes, Master Voldebitch," said Lucius snidely.

"What was that, Lucy dear?"

"Nothing, Master…nothing at all," murmured Lucius. He walked out of the room and was hit with sudden inspiration. He repeated the words he heard Voldemort utter and spelled out TOM RIDDLE.

Immediately he spotted a bag of lemon drops atop a dresser in the next room.

Well. That came the blue fuck out of nowhere.

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A/N: I have a sneaking suspicion that this story is going down the toilet. I have tons of ideas for it, but I just don't know if I can make it live up to the expectations of all those great reviewers…I'm trying as hard as I can, but I don't know…

I'm still having fun writing this story, and even more fun reading your reviews…they make me feel all giddy inside…yay!

And yes, I hate Hufflepuffs. Review.

Thanks to the reviewers!

The Eidolon