Don's POV
I banged my head against the wall of the shower in frustration. How could I be so blind? How could I be so insensitive toward Charlie's feelings? I was horrible. Charlie was hurting, really hurting, and I never even noticed. He had to practically shout at me so I could see it. I'm supposed to be the observant one, right? My job demanded me to be thorough. But when it came to my own brother, I might as well have been blind.
I let the hot water pour down my back as I hunched over, leaning on the wall. I was once a gain reminded of how awful I'd been to Charlie, how I had broken a promise... one I had never really intended to keep.
Flashback
"Eppes," I barked into the phone. I wasn't in the mood for phone calls. I was finally on a break from work and I didn't want to be called in or bothered by some of the rookies who needed my help.
"Don? It's Mom," My mother spoke softly.
"Mom! How are you? Is everything all right?" I felt a moment of panic, one that could easily be avoided if I just called my family every once in a while.
"Hi, honey. I'm doing fine. I was wondering about you."
"Me? I'm fine."
"Have you gotten a break from work lately?"
I groaned inwardly. If I told her I was on a break now, she'd find a way to hassle me into coming home. Though I had almost two weeks off, I really didn't want to spend it being bombarded with questions from my parents.
"Um, yeah, actually, I'm on a break now." I knew I couldn't lie to my mother. She knew me too well for that.
"Really? Good. I know you probably don't feel like coming home, since it's your time off, but I think you need to."
"And why's that?"
"Charlie needs you." Again, I felt panic rise in me over my little brother who I hadn't seen since last Christmas.
"Charlie? Is he okay?"
"Charlie insists he is, but I know better. He's gotten too quiet. He's still working on his doctorate, you know. He spends most of his time in the solarium working, but something is bothering him. I think he misses you. In fact, I'm sure of it."
"Mom..."
"Don't 'Mom' me. Your brother needs you. Family should be your top priority, though I know it hasn't been for quite some time now."
Even without seeing me in so long, Mom knew me too well.
"Okay, Mom. I'll be home tomorrow. Satisfied?"
"Yes, but don't get that tone with me. It'll be good to see you, sweetheart."
"It'll be nice seeing you, too, Mom."
"Okay. Well, you get some sleep. You sound exhausted. I'll see you tomorrow. I love you."
"Love you, too, Mom."
"Bye."
"Bye."
I groaned as soon as I hung up the phone. This was not how I wanted to spend my vacation.
The next morning I got up at four o'clock, knowing I'd have a twelve hour drive ahead of me. I should have booked a flight, but it was too short of notice. Besides, that would give me less time to spend at home. As much as I loved my family, I wasn't exactly in the mood to spend a lot of time with them.
I stopped once for breakfast, then continued down the road. I had to pull over to read my map. I hated trying to drive from Albuquerque to LA.
At four o'clock, I arrived home, having skipped lunch. I wasn't hungry, but I was tired and stiff from the drive.
Dad came rushing out when I arrived.
"Donny! How are you?" He enveloped me in a hug almost immediately after I got out of the car.
"Hey, Dad. I'm fine. You wanna help me with the bags?"
"Sure, sure."
Dad followed me to the back of the car and I popped open the trunk of my SUV. I had only packed two bags, not sure how long I'd stay.
As I reached the steps, the door flew open and Mom tackled me in a hug. I had to brace myself to keep us from falling over.
"Oh, it's so good to have you home." Mom kissed my cheek.
"Hi, Mom." I smiled. It did feel good being so welcomed home.
"Where's Charlie?" I asked once we stepped inside.
"Upstairs in the solarium. As usual."
I was annoyed that Charlie hadn't come down to see me. If he missed me so much, wouldn't he come see me? I took it as one of Mom's plans just to bring me home, knowing I had a soft spot for those in need of my help.
Mom must have read my look. "He still misses you."
I nodded.
I walked into the living room and sank down on the couch.
"Rough drive?" Dad asked as he came in to sit in the arm chair across from me.
"Yeah. Traffic wasn't too bad. I left at four in the morning."
"You made pretty good time then."
I heard Mom walked up the steps and talk to Charlie through the door. When she came down, I noticed she and Dad shared a worried look.
"Still nothing?"
She shook her head. "I don't know why he won't come out."
"Is the door unlocked?"
"Yes, thankfully. That really scared me when he locked it."
"Wait a minute. Charlie locked himself in the solarium?" I asked, wondering what was going on that made Charlie isolate himself from Mom and Dad.
"He's too stressed. I knew he shouldn't have taken those summer classes. He's only twenty," Mom said, wringing her hands nervously.
"Calm down, Margaret, you're overreacting. He's fine. We know where he is, we know he's eating. He's right where we need him to be. Besides, he's on break now. He probably just misses school."
"I'll go talk to him," I said, standing.
"Would you? Maybe he'll listen to you. Wait, I take that back, he always listens to you." Mom smiled, hopeful. She stood up and went to the kitchen.
"Here. Bring him a sandwich. He probably won't come down for dinner."
I took it from her. "Sure, Mom."
I walked up the stairs, hearing Mom and Dad continue to talk about Charlie. What had he been doing up here?
When I reached the door to the solarium, I opened it quietly. Charlie was sitting on the love seat, looking like he didn't know the rest of the world existed. He was lost in thought when I came over to sit by him.
"Hey, Buddy. Long time no see," I said conversationally as I sat beside him.
He made no move that showed me he heard me.
"Mom made you a sandwich." I placed it in his overturned hands. He grabbed it and stood. I watched him walk to the corner of the room. I stretched my neck up to see what he was doing. He opened a box and I saw it was filled with sandwiches. He threw the sandwich inside.
"Charlie... have you been eating lately?"
He shook his head "no," though I wasn't sure he was shaking it at me.
"Charlie?"
He moved around the room strangely. He touched certain things, then walked to the front of the room to one of the chalkboards. He wrote down a list of ten twenties, then wrote certain numbers below them, their value lost to me.
"Charlie?" I tried again.
He continued to write, showing no sign that he knew I was even in the room.
"Charlie!" I screamed. He jumped, startled. He turned and looked at me with wide eyes. He gazed at me from head to toe, then squinted his eyes at me suspiciously.
"You're not really here, are you?" He asked.
"What? Charlie, yeah, I'm here."
He stepped forward, eyeing me closely. He poked my shoulder.
"Don?"
"Yeah, Buddy, it's me."
"You're here."
"Yes, I'm here." This was getting old.
He smiled slightly and I saw tears in his eyes.
"You okay?" I asked.
He nodded, his back to me.
I stood and walked up beside him.
"What's with the twenties?" I asked, though I probably wouldn't understand it, even if he explained it to me.
"It's my twentieth birthday."
I gasped. Damn it. I had forgotten. Sure enough, it was September 5. I had forgotten my own brother's birthday. I hadn't done much for his birthday since I left home, but I had always sent a card or called.
"Happy birthday," I said, laughing shakily.
He nodded. "Thanks."
"Charlie, what is this all about? Why are you in here?"
"Twelve weeks ago."
"What?"
"Twelve weeks ago. That's when it started. I'm scared."
I thought back twelve weeks, coming up with nothing.
"What happened twelve weeks ago?"
"We got a call."
"What about?"
"You were shot."
Oh.
"Charlie, it was nothing. I mean, the bullet just barely grazed my arm. I don't even have a scar. See?" I rolled up the sleeve to my t-shirt to prove it to him.
"It was the first time I really realized how much danger you were in with your job. I just don't want to think about what would happen next time."
"Buddy, it's just a part of the job. It's the only time I even came close to getting shot. Sure, it'll happen again, but I realize that. I don't care. It's my job, and I'm happy doing it."
"I'm not."
"Well, too bad. Last time I checked, you weren't the boss of what I do," I snapped angrily. I felt guilty when I saw Charlie flinch.
"It's okay. I don't expect you to change jobs just for me. But... I haven't been able to find a way to handle it."
"What's to handle? Charlie, you're not giving me enough credit. I'm pretty damn good at my job. I know how to take care of myself."
"Yeah. You do. You've had enough practice." He looked over at me and for the first time I realized Charlie wasn't blind to what we went through as kids. He understood what I went through.
"I'm sorry," He said quietly, looking guilty.
"Oh, Buddy. No. Don't be sorry. Hey, I'm okay. It's not that big of a deal. Really."
"It is, Don. I'm sorry I stole Mom and Dad's attention when we were younger. Maybe if I hadn't..."
When he wouldn't continue, I probed him on. "Then what? What would have changed?"
He looked up at me with tears about to fall from his eyes. "Maybe you'd come over more."
I felt the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. I hadn't realized how much it had bothered him when I didn't come home. I had created a new life for myself, one that my family was hardly a part of. Sure, I kept in touch, came over for important holidays when I could. But no "just because" occasions. I was rarely the one to call, unless it was important.
"Buddy... I am so sorry." I reached out to touch him, but he brushed past me, ducking his face away from my view.
"Don't be. I understand. You probably didn't want to have anything to do with me. I invaded your high school, took up Mom and Dad's time, stole their attention from you. You probably never wanted a brother anyway." He laughed bitterly.
"Charlie, stop. That's not it at all."
"It's hard, you know? I worry when we haven't heard from you in so long. What if something happens to you? Who will tell us? Our number probably isn't the first on your cell phone, is it?"
I felt guilty. It wasn't.
"We wouldn't be able to reach you. I don't want to worry when we go months without hearing from you. You can't imagine the events that play out in my mind, all the scenarios that I imagine could have happened to you."
Charlie closed his eyes and shook his head, as though an image was playing at the moment.
"I understand, though. Who'd want to talk to me after all I put you through when we were younger?" He smiled, but it looked fake with his sad eyes.
I stepped toward him when he just stood there. I had never imagined what my absence was doing to Charlie. I knew Mom and Dad worried about me, but I never though Charlie would too. From the looks of it, he worried more than Mom and Dad.
"Buddy, I-I'm sorry I haven't been around much. Please, stop blaming yourself. It's not you. I...I just really like my job, and it requires a lot of my time. I don't have time to come home for a lot of time, unless it was only for a day or two. I take my job seriously and I work hard at it."
"I know," He said quietly. I turned him so he'd be facing me. He dropped his gaze to the floor, hiding his soulful eyes that showed exactly how he was feeling.
"Promise me you won't blame yourself if I don't come home for a while. I just get really busy, you know? It's no one's fault. It's the job."
"Okay," He whispered. I tilted his chin up so I could see his eyes. They didn't look quite as sad, but rather defeated.
"You have to promise me something, too," Charlie said with more strength in his words.
"What's that?" I asked, smiling at him.
"You have to at least call. I don't care how busy you are. It doesn't take that much time out of your day to give us a quick call."
I smiled. "You got it."
"Good."
"You want to head downstairs? It smells like dinner's almost ready."
"Sure."
When we reached the door, Charlie turned to look up at me.
"You forgot it was my birthday, didn't you?"
There was no denying it. I nodded. "Yeah. I'm so sorry."
He shrugged it off, but I saw a flash of pain in his eyes.
"Hey." I stopped him.
He turned back to look at me.
"I'm sorry. I-I was so busy grumbling about coming home that I forgot. Forgive me?"
Charlie studied me closely.
"You didn't want to come home?"
Now you've done it.
"Um, yeah. I just... it wasn't how I planned on spending my time off, you know?"
"Sure."
I groaned.
"Charlie..."
"No, no. It's fine. Let's go eat."
Before he could escape downstairs, I grabbed him by the arm. He looked up at me, surprised, and I hugged him tightly.
"I'm sorry," I said softly by his ear.
Charlie sank into the hug, squeezing back.
"It's okay." This time it was more reassuring to me.
"You sure?" I asked, pushing him back so I could see his face.
He nodded, smiling.
"Good." I squeezed his shoulder as we headed to the steps. I went down first and I could see the surprise on Mom and Dad's faces when Charlie stepped into the living room behind me.
"Is it time to eat?" I asked after they seemed to get over the shock.
"Yes. Everything is ready. We were just waiting on you," Mom said, not taking her eyes off Charlie.
Mom and Charlie went to the dining room. Dad grabbed me by the shoulder and pulled me over to him.
"How do you do it?" He asked, sounding mesmerized.
I smiled. "Just a little big brother magic."
Dad chuckled and we walked side-by-side into the dining room.
End of Flashback
I had broken the promise less than a year later, losing contact with them more and more. Charlie called after the first few months I stopped calling, but I rarely called him back. What fear must he have been going through due to my lack of communication? He was right. It didn't take that much time out of my day to give them one simple phone call.
How would I fix this?