Roles Vegeta Shouldn't Play
Chapter Four: Vegeta as Regina (Mean Girls)
Vegeta was sitting in his armchair watching the nighttime news. It had been nearly a month since he had finished acting in his last movie and Vegeta had decided that he would rather be a couch potato than an actor. Besides, there weren't enough violent movie roles to play anymore. But that night, as Vegeta sat there feeling sorry for himself, the actor within was reborn.
News Reporter: And now we are here live with teen slu- I mean teen pop and acting sensation Lindsay Lohan, tonight we are going to find out exactly what film Lindsay will be doing next. (holds microphone to Lindsay)
Lindsay: Well, after I finish another week of deadbeat partying I'm going to be trying out for this movie called Mean Girls. Apparently Hilary Duff is also going for the role but I think that we all know that I am the better actress anyway.
Vegeta: (Turns off his Hilary Duff CD) You couldn't act your way out of a tin can! Besides, I am the greatest actor when it comes to acting!
News Reporter: Speaking of actors that are worse than you Lindsay, what do you think of the former DragonBallZ star Vegeta?
Lindsay: I'm glad that we both use the same brand of hair gel but he couldn't act his way out of a tin can.
Vegeta: (Chokes on a potato chip, he then begins pounding his head against the wall until he spits its remains at the television, the force of impact causing the TV to explode.) We'll just see who can act their way out of a tin can the best! I shall defeat you, Lindsay Lohan by proving that I am the better of the two of us! And after I have accomplished that I shall conquer Hollywood! (Flies to the studio casting Mean Girls)
Casting Agent: Okay then Vegeta, since this movie is about Mean GIRLS I wonder if maybe you shouldn't be here right now?
Vegeta: I have tried drag before. And I look good in it.
Casting Agent: Okay then, let me see your meanest expression!
Vegeta: (Doesn't do anything.)
Casting Agent: That's wonderful Vegeta! I can almost feel the meanness flowing from you like a fountain! All right, let's move on now, how about you greet me in the meanest way you can.
Vegeta: Hi.
Casting Agent: That is so mean! We'll definitely have to put you in our movie! I think that we'll have to cast you as Regina, the leader of the Plastics, the Plastics are the Mean Girls by the way for all of the readers out there who don't know who they are, so come back tomorrow and we will begin filming!
Vegeta: Yes, the time is drawing nearer that I shall destroy you Lindsay Lohan!
Lindsay: Do you mind? I'm right behind you!
Vegeta: I am sooo sorry. And by the way Lindsay, those shoes make your calves look big! (Walks away.)
(The Next Day)
Director: Okay crew is everybody ready to start filming?
(Vegeta walks out of his dressing room wearing a blonde wig, makeup, and high heel shoes, just his everyday wardrobe.)
Lindsay: Are you sure that you won't destroy the cast and crew like you did on every other low class movie you've been in Vegeta?
Vegeta: Nobody except maybe for you. And by the way Lindsay, the eyeliner on your left eye is smeared.
Lindsay: My makeup isn't as bad as your nail polish.
Vegeta: It goes with my spandex, unlike your-
Director: That's enough you two! Now let's begin filming, we'll start with the part of the movie that Regina is showing Cady her house, now action!
Lindsay: Wow Regina! Your home is so big and beautiful!
Vegeta: Yes it is actually, and it is far better than any home you could afford with your pansy acting talents.
Lindsay: Hey Regina, what was that slam book you were telling me about?
Vegeta: (Opens Slam book prop) It holds the descriptions of those I hate and what I hate about them. See, there's Kakkarot, because he's stronger than me. Piccolo, because I am a racist. Krillen, because he is bald. Gohan, because he can read. Chichi, because she is part of the reason that Gohan is alive. Yamcha because-
Director: Vegeta! That isn't the right slam book! That one is different, where did you get it?
Vegeta: I brought my slam book from home because I had no idea who the mortal weaklings were in the other slam book.
Director: Why would you need a slam book Vegeta?
Vegeta: My doctor told me to keep a journal and to write down the events of my life in it, but it eventually led to this.
Director:…. Okay, let's just go to the scene where the girls head to a party only for Regina to take Cady's crush, Aaron. Action!
(Aaron leans in to kiss Regina/Vegeta when he gets blasted into oblivion)
Vegeta: This foolishness is wasting my time, when do we get to do some catfights?
Director: Vegeta, you just destroyed one of our actors!
Vegeta: And?
Director: You're right, let's just go on to the part where Regina confronts Cady after the really boring part of the movie where Cady gets her revenge. Roll camera!
Vegeta: You know what everybody really thinks about you Lind-I mean Cady? Everybody says that you're a horrible actress who is inferior to Hilary Duff, and also to the greatest actor alive, Vegeta and- (Vegeta gets hit by a school bus, the hit has no effect on him)
Vegeta: WHAT WAS THAT?
Director: No, no, no, you're supposed to be injured by the bus, that's why Regina is injured for the rest of the movie!
Vegeta: I am through with this pansy movie! The only reason I signed on for this movie was so that I could defeat Lindsay Lohan! And also to relive my cross dressing days!
Lindsay: You honestly think that you could beat me at anything Vegeta? Well go ahead. Try to destroy me, it's not going to work thanks to my ultimate power.
Vegeta: (Blasts Lindsay Lohan, the smoke from the blast clears and we see that Lindsay is completely unharmed.)
Vegeta: What?
Lindsay: You cannot defeat me Vegeta, I am invincible!
Sailor Mercury: The reason that you can't defeat Lindsay Lohan is simple, she has drunken so much alcohol that she has somehow gained supernatural abilities, although people think that when Lindsay parties she is doing it because she is a bum that is not the only reason! Lindsay has found that the only way to increase these abilities is to party for days on end!
Director: Where did you come from?
Sailor Mercury: Wrong set, but I'm glad I could help.
Vegeta: So that is why I cannot defeat you? Well if you are so good at drinking and partying Lindsay Lohan, then I shall defeat you by means of a chugging contest!
Lindsay: I accept your challenge Vegeta, although your efforts are futile.
(Lindsay and Vegeta put on their beer hats and prepare for battle)
Director: Ready….Set…..Go!
(Vegeta and Lindsay begin chugging their beers)
Director and Sailor Mercury: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
(An hour later, Lindsay and Vegeta are still going strong)
Vegeta's thoughts: Heh, so far so good, little does this weakling know that I was the most feared beer chugger of Frieza's army!
Lindsay's thoughts: So that idiot thinks that he can defeat me? I haven't even reached my maximum power!
(A week later)
Vegeta's thoughts: Okay, now I'm getting bored with this, just how long can that little human keep going on?
Lindsay's thoughts: Your time is almost up Vegeta, I can sense your power level weakening!
(A month later)
Vegeta's thoughts: Can't….Chug….Much….longer….
Lindsay's thoughts: I don't understand how he could have lasted this long! My chugging power is wearing down!
(The next day)
Vegeta's thoughts: I barely have any strength left but I must not lose!
Lindsay's thoughts: I'm nearly zapped of all my energy…Could it be possible that Vegeta has reached the next level…Could he be the legendary… Super Chugger?
Vegeta's thoughts: I have to do this for the fate of Hollywood! I will not let this weakling defeat-
Lindsay: I guess that you have defeated me Vegeta, you truly are the greater actor… I can't believe that I lost to someone like…You…(Lindsay melts into a puddle of beer)
Vegeta: That's it, I now know my purpose in Hollywood! To destroy all of the actors who threaten to ruin its existence! I shall regain my place in the Hall of Fame!
Now that Vegeta is back in the business which actor will seek his destruction? Find out in the next chapter!