A/N: Okay, so...hi! Sorry for the slight delay in posting this chapter, and also for the fact that it might be a little shorter than the last one; I have some important stuff to do at the Department of Motor Vehicles on Friday (which is tomorrow for me) so that's got me a bit distracted. If you care to know the details, check out the next paragraph, otherwise feel free to skip ahead to the actual chapter content. ;D

So: Long story short, I'm one of those people who never got a driver's license as a teenager, but having one would be kind of handy now that I'm, y'know, a vicenarian (someone in their twenties). But I still need to pass a written test to get my practice permit, and I'm super anxious about it, so the end result is me needing to do some studying and a truly staggering number of practice tests. Whether this will help me on my test tomorrow remains to be seen, but one thing it definitely did was take time away from working on this ficlet, because I couldn't make myself study before I finished writing at least this chapter (I have a tendency to hyper-focus on things, which is sometimes useful but sometimes really not). As a result, I finished the chapter, but it's a bit shorter because I need at least a little time to study later tonight. So...sorry 'bout that! It's still super heart-wrenching if that's any consolation. ;D *toddles off to do more practice tests ad nauseum*

第四の発生/The Fourth Occurrence

The fourth time Shinya has a crippling panic attack, he is sixteen years old and Mahiru has just defected from the Order of the Imperial Demons.

No one else knows yet, or at least no one in any real position of importance. Only Guren, Guren's friends, and Shinya himself are aware of what truly happened.

The rest of the student body and most of the adults had believed that the act that Mahiru had put on, believed that she'd been kidnapped by a group of ambitious vampires that had attacked their school.

They didn't know that it was all a lie. That Mahiru had betrayed all of them, was playing them all like fools to further her own ambitions. What her true goals were, Shinya didn't know. Despite the two of them feigning affection for each other for the last six year, he and his fiancé weren't particularly close. He didn't know what had motivated Mahiru's actions, couldn't even begin to make a guess.

He vaguely suspected that Guren's arrival at their school had something to do with it. Mahiru had a tendency to behave dramatically and throw caution to the winds whenever Guren was involved, after all.

But Guren himself was clueless as to why Mahiru would choose to align herself with vampires, and Shinya had been able to tell that the shock and hurt and confusion in Guren's vibrant purple eyes was real and sincere, so Shinya hadn't pushed the issue.

Shinya's adoptive family, however...they probably wouldn't be so kind and understanding. They already hated Guren simply because he was the Ichinose heir, the last son of the branch family that was so despisedby the rest of the Hīragi famiy. They wouldn't be delicate at all if they pulled Guren in for questioning about Mahiru's supposed abduction.

Shinya couldn't afford to worry about Guren right now, though, at least not more than he was already (speaking of, what was it about Guren that was so damn fascinating? Shinya couldn't explain it, not even to himself, but he found himself migrating to the other teen's side more often than not, even when Guren expressed only disinterest or outright annoyance at his presence).

As things were now, Shinya had to look out for himself. Because if Mahiru never came home, the Hīragi family certainly wouldn't have any need for her fiancé, would they?

No, there wouldn't be any point to keeping him around any longer, not when they'd made it very explicitly clear ever since his adoption that he was thoroughly expendable. His intelligence and strength were useful, but not enough to justify keeping him around if his original purpose was rendered obsolete.

And so once again, for what felt like the ten thousandth time, his own fate was out of his hands, once again balanced precariously on a knife's edge. At this point, it could really go either way, although Shinya was inclined to think that the most likely path was the one that ended with his own corpse lying on the cold, hard ground, because it was obvious to see that Mahiru had no intention of coming back, regardless of her true goal. And no more Mahiru meant no more Shinya.

He wondered if anyone would even miss him, and had to admit that the answer was 'probably not'. His youngest adoptive sibling, Shinoa, might be upset if something happened to him, because she was too young to remember the day he'd been adopted and brought into the family; she seemed to genuinely view him as her brother, unlike Kureto and Seishirō, who had always treated him with varying levels of contempt and frigidity.

Shinoa wasn't stupid, though; she'd know better than speak out and argue if Tenri, their father, decided that Shinya wasn't worth the trouble anymore. Because familial affection was all well and good during the easy times, but when things got messy it was every man or woman for themselves; self-preservation was second only to ambition in the Hīragi family, and Shinoa, though adorable and loyal, was no exception.

Hell, Shinya himself was certainly no exception, although in his case self-preservation took precedence over pretty much everything else. His existence for the last eleven years had been so precarious that he didn't have any other choice.

So, yes, he was worried about Guren, and about Guren's reaction to Mahiru's departure. But he was much more worried about himself. He was once again one wrong move away from being mercilessly removed from the face of the planet, something that was exponentially more likely given Kureto's mutterings about an investigation into potential traitors.

Shinya, while not a traitor exactly, had certainly entertained traitorous thoughts. And had even made a few traitorous suggestions, albeit only to Guren, who almost certainly shared Shinya's own dislike for the Hīragi family, although Guren had reasons that were drastically different from Shinya's own. Guren loathed the Hīragi family for the role they'd played in his own family's suffering, and for the separation they'd forced between him and Mahiru, way back when they'd met each other as very young children.

Shinya, in sharp contrast, hated his adoptive family for the hell his life had become. From the moment he'd been selected as an adoption candidate, his life had not been his own. He'd been the property of the Hīragi family since the age of five, and he hated it.

But the hate, though burning so hotly that it scorched him from the inside out, still couldn't drown out the fear that was clawing away at his heart and soul. It took absolutely every single iota of strength in his body to navigate his way through the halls of his school to reach an unused classroom that he quickly entered and locked behind him.

The panic attack assaulted him barely thirty seconds after that, and it was even more debilitating than he'd anticipated, as if forcing himself to hold it back until he got to a (mostly) secure location had amplified the intensity.

His knees buckled underneath him so fast that he nearly cracked his head on the corner of a nearby desk; only his sharply honed reflexes, so ingrained into him after over a decade of training and fighting, kept him from concussing himself.

This time, the fear made his muscles seize up, and he curled up into a ball on the floor, feeling disgustingly childish as hot tears of terror and frustration streamed down his cheeks.

I hate this, he thought, despair swirling dark and strong inside his soul. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, or how strong I become, nothing is ever going to change.

I am never going to be free of this hell.

I hate this.

But even though he hated his life, he was not at all willing to give it up. It was still his life, and he'd fought and clawed and ruthlessly slaughtered his childhood peers to hold on to it. And worthless though his life might be to every single other person around him, even a wretched existence such as the one he had now was preferable to death. Anything was preferable to death, because death meant that everything he'd done until this point had been a terrible, meaningless waste.

I can't give up, he decided, biting his lower lip so hard that it drew blood, the tang of salty copper sharp and familiar on his tongue. Not after getting this far. If I give up now...it will all have been for nothing. All the killing, all the struggling...I can't let it end here after all of that.

So what if Mahiru had left and wasn't coming back. Shinya would survive. He always survived. He'd find a way, somehow. Find a reason for the Hīragi to leave him alive, a way to convince them that he still had value outside of his engagement to Mahiru.

He would find a way to ensure his survival. Because the alternative was not something he was willing to accept. Not after everything he'd done to keep himself alive.

He was going to find a way to keep his life, despite everything. He was not going to surrender, not even for a moment. Even if he had to fight and scheme alone with no one watching his back...that was fine, that was something he was used to. At this point, being alone didn't matter, because he didn't know any differently and wasn't entirely willing to take a chance on trusting people (the very notion was ludicrous) when the stakes were so high. Because he might pretend to get along with others, but in truth he was always just waiting for the inevitable back-stabbing that would occur the second he looked away. Trust was something he'd never quite understood, not with the cutthroat childhood he'd had.

But that was fine. He didn't need help, tempting though the notion might be. He hadn't needed help before now, and he would get by just fine without it in the current circumstances (although part of him still wanted to form some sort of partnership with Guren, for some inexplicable reason that Shinya wasn't willing think about right now). It would be difficult, but he'd find a way to do what needed to be done, because he was not going to fail and die without ever having a chance to truly live.

I can do this, Shinya told himself, forcing his breathing to even out and his heart to slow its frantic pounding. It'll be hard, but I can do it.

I will find a way to keep myself alive.