Hi everybody, first of all so so so sorry for taking so long to update. I don't give any excuses you have the right to hate me all you want. Thanks god I don't have so many readers or I'd be hated so much :D

Now just coz I took so long to update there is a summary to refresh your memory.

THEN: Dean is in hell and Sam is trying to drag him out of hell at any cost. He is ill and has had a chest infection for months, but not giving up yet. In his last attempt Sam tries to find a crossroad demon and switch places with Dean. The demon won't make a deal and Sam faints trying to exorcize her with his mind. Ruby who is stalking Sam everywhere saves him and brings him to a motel. When Sam wakes up the demon tells him that if he drinks blood he can be much more powerful and even save his brother. At first Sam is disgusted with the idea, but when Ruby argues that drinking demon blood can't be worse than going to hell and Sam was willing to go to hell for Dean.

Sam is on the verge of using demon blood, not knowing that an angel has already saved Dean from hell. Dean tracks his brother down and meets him in the motel room with Ruby who he doesn't recognize.

The brothers soon begin to investigate to find out who has saved Dean and they can only find one answer, an angel. Dean refuses to accept that he has been saved by an angel, but the angel comes to him at the middle of the night ant tells him that he has a divine mission for him, he also points out that Sam has demon blood in him, but has more faith than Dean. The elder Winchester denies it, but he can't shake what that angel told about his brother.

Despite being sick Sam uses every chance to sneak out and meet Ruby. She tries to make Sam cooperate her by raising his emotions and telling him that people need his help. She also finds out that the more Sam uses his powers the more he craves Demon blood and she reports to her superior that Sam is about to drink blood.

On the other hand Dean accidentally finds a vial of demon blood which Ruby has given Sam and gets very suspicious. He decides to follow Sam and he finds his brother with Ruby exorcizing a demon. Little do the brothers know that not communicating and keeping secrets can lead to.

NOW: "Dean, I can explain."

"Explain what?... you hypocrite son of a bitch!" Dean's answer bears nothing but exasperation. "What have you done?..." H e continues, trying to calm down a little. "How could you do this to me?" He exasperation turns into a desperate disbelief.

"Dean, please…"

"I'll be damned to hell if I don't kill you right here right now with my bare hands." Dean says angrily, for a moment Sam thinks oh God, Dean is really going to kill him, but when Dean darts furiously toward Ruby, Sam recognizes his brother wasn't talking to him, he almost sighs in relief.

Ruby on the other hand isn't so relieved, and of course she isn't going to just stand there so Dean attacks him like an angry werewolf gnashing his teeth. Using his unnatural demonic strength Ruby manages to pine Dean to a wall and stop his rash.

Sam is quick to come in between.

"Dean, please, we gotta talk." He says yanking Ruby's hand from his brother's collar.

"You bet we gotta talk, but first let me get rid of this peace of annoying sticky filthy piece of garbage first."

Sam doesn't remember if he has ever seen his brother in this much anger, but deep down he is not that much surprised. Dean has every right to be angry; it's exactly what Sam has been expecting from his over protective older brother. He struggles between Ruby and his brother, having a hard time keeping them separated.

"Ruby, take the man and go." Sam barks the order at the demon once he untangles his brother from her.

When Ruby takes the almost unconscious man outside and the two brothers hear his SUV speeding away Sam lets go of Dean or rather Dean manages to push him off him.

For a moment Dean just stares at him with wide shocked eyes panting harshly. Sam stands before him and holds his angry gaze for a moment. The young Winchester is stuck in a very hard situation, how he is going to explain this to Dean he has no idea after thinking it over for so long.

"Dean, I just wanted to help people… to help you." Sam begins in a low voice with a silent pleading going on in his eyes, begging Dean to understand, but his brother is too angry to notice those expectant eyes.

"So, that is your piss poor excuse? You go behind my back and… and…" He stammers, Sam using demon blood is not some thing that can be uttered out loud. "…and this is you excuse! Haven't you figure out that I didn't save your ass, so you turn into a monster? You dumb ass!" Dean words rises in volume with every word, he has never been so desperate in his life before.

Sam winces at his brother's sharp words; he can't believe Dean just called him a monster. Dean would usually call him a freak, but how could he call him a monster? All his high hopes crash down on him like a huge collapsing skyscraper, and he is crushed mercilessly underneath those high hopes.

"Dean, I'm not a monster." Sam whispers in a pained voice.

"You have demon blood in you, damn it! How it doesn't make you a monster?" Dean shouts back with resentment.

Sam can feel the bitterness and disgust that is pouring out of his brother's words. How Dean knows about the demon blood is more than he can figure out in this moment of despair.

"What I have done to deserve this, huh Sam!" Dean continues to send his hatred toward his young brother in waves.

Sam defends himself in a soft voice, almost inaudible, "It's not like it's my fault."

Are you sure that what you brought back is one hundred percent Sam.

Azazel's voice taunts the elder hunter once again. Dean smiles sadly. "Yeah, you're right, it's not your fault, it's my damn fault! I should have never brought you back, how could I be so stupid?... What's dead should stay dead." He reminds himself of a lesson that he learned so painfully and he desperately ignored at the end when it came to his own brother, to his Sam. "It was my fault." He adds coldly.

Sam doesn't know what to say or how he can even make things alright between his brother and himself again. He knows that his brother is absolutely right to blame him for all that had happened, but still he can only think of one resolution. "I'm sorry." Tears well up in his eyes as he looks at Dean with shame and guilt in his teary eyes.

Dean gives him a look like really Sam, is that all you have to offer after all this? The question goes silence, but Sam can read it all over his brother's face, in his eyes.

And yes the answer is yes, it's all Sam can afford.

Dean just shakes his head in disgust and disappointment; he turns to leave, not being able to stand his brother for another second. He is disgusted with this stranger who is standing face to face with him; this stranger who has taken his innocent brother from him and has left him with a monster.

Sam runs after him and grabs him by wrist. Dean has to understand him, because if he doesn't Sam just won't be able to fight this curse anymore. Dean has always supported him and has loved him unconditionally; maybe he can count on a little sympathy this time too.

Sam doesn't expect what Dean gives him at all.

Dean is disappointed and angry and worst of all he feels betrayed, and it's a feeling he is experiencing for the first time in his life, his family has always got his back and he has always protected his family no matter what, this new kind of pain angers him beyond endurance.

He throws a punch at Sam the moment Sam spins him around. It catches Sam by surprise and he falls on the ground ungracefully, butt first. The impact is hard enough to leave the younger Winchester stunned for a few seconds, he rubs the sharp pain in his jaw to sooth it a little.

It is a very emotional moment for both of the Winchesters. They are both desperate to get their feelings out and all the things that have gone untold between them for so long.

"Don't you touch me any more, you filthy son of a bitch." Dean shouts, and he is so mad he can hardly breathe right.

The older Winchester turns to leave again.

Sam can't hear much of what his brothers says over the buzz in his ears, just some thing like you filthy something.

The fallen Winchester blinks rapidly a few times to clear his blurry vision. "Dean! Please."

Sam is smart enough to know that Dean is fuming and when he is angry the wise thing is to keep his distance from him. But the thing is he needs his brother right now, he has to make him understand that maybe he is a freak, but he never wanted to get their parents killed or be tainted with demon blood, so he desperately reaches out and grabs Dean's leg in a very desperate attempt to make Dean understand. This time he is rewarded with a kick in his rib cage. His body lurches back with the impact, pain paralyzes his already aching lungs. Maybe he has to give up on Dean right now.

Too late.

Dean starts to kick him repeatedly and Sam never has a chance to defend himself, fight back, or even shield the kicks properly.

"You bloodsucker!" Dean says with a kick. "You just have been living on me like a parasite. You're not my brother anymore." Dean kicks him harder.

Sam would say he is sorry if he gets a chance, but Dean doesn't give him a chance. He aims Sam's chest to kick him again but he misses it and it lands on Sam's face. The impact is so brutal; Dean can almost feel Sam's face crushing under his heavy boot. Then he recognizes that maybe he is going too far, his protective big brother in him kicks in and he calms down a little.

Sam lies flat on his back just cradling his aching face and waiting for the dizziness to pass. Dean's emotional break down proves that Sam should have never used his powers or expected Dean to understand that he is a freak with demon blood.

Slowly he turns to his side and uses his right hand as a leverage to sit up. Sharp pains sears throw his body as he stands on shaky legs. "If you're so sure I'm a monster, why don't you kill me right now. You promised dad you would, didn't you?" Sam says as blood drips from a long gash on his lower lip mixing with another trail coming down from the corner of his eyes. The taste of blood in his mouth is making him sick, but this has to end now, once for all. He can't go on like this anymore; it's too hard to live when Dean thinks he is monster.

You should save your brother, and if you couldn't… if you couldn't you have to kill him.

In that moment Dean recognized he has failed to save Sam despite all his efforts, and dear Lord! It's the saddest moment of his life, even sadder than when Sam died in his arms. He takes out his pistol. It's like his trembling hands are thinking on their own.

He aims at Sam.

Sam looks shocked, but he doesn't move or try to get out of the situation in any way. If Dean believes that he is monster and should die, then he believes it too, so the sooner he dies the better.

Dean hesitates to pull the trigger. The hurting hunter knows although the man standing in front of him looks like his brother and has the same puppy-dog-eyes and the same hurt face, he is not his brother. He is a blood sucking bastard who sucks demon blood for power. The Sammy he knew would never do that, he died in Cold Oak. Jake killed his brother and he brought back a monster. Sorry Sammy, it's all my fault.

In the end Dean knows that he can never pull the trigger, he rather dies, but he can't drop the gun either. Tears prick his eyes, his father has ordered him. His lower lip trembles and a shining tear drops off his eye lid on his face, leaving a wet trail as it ends up on his shirt.

"You're not even worth the bullet." He lowers his gun eventually. "Just go some where I can never see you again." Dean's heart's broken and he just wants to get away from the one who broke it so hard.

Sam is hurt too, maybe worse. The pain Sam is feeling inside kills something in him, he can feel it die in agony. Somehow he could have handled the truth that his father ordered his older brother to kill him until now, but now he suddenly finds it so unbearable, so unfair. He has done nothing in his life to deserve this.

"If you can't do it, why did you promise dad? I know you can do it." Maybe what died in him moments before was his brotherly feelings, because for the first time in his life he doesn't care if what he says hurts Dean, although he doesn't say it to hurt his brother.

Except it does hurt Dean, because next thing Sam knows he is pushed by a very angry Dean, looks like he hurt Dean bad.

Sam falls down on a pile of decaying lumber which are probed against the wall behind him. A searing pain races through his body from his right side as he hits the wood pile and ends up on the floor among the broken pieces of wood. A cloud of dust pollutes the air.

Then it's silent again, a cold heavy silence, Sam can hear Dean's harsh breathing in the freezing unresolved silence. He would stand up again if he could, but his body is paralyzed by pain and exhaustion after taking so much beating, and he wasn't completely healthy to begin with.

Sam watches silently as his brother gets away from him, farther and farther, it's like with every step Dean takes he expect him to turn and help him to get up, but Dean never does.

The fallen and broken Winchester closes his eyes in disappointment when the older Winchester takes one last step and gets out of the woodshop.

Sam wants to die; this pain of Dean leaving him is more than he can take. It's the end of the road for him, he has no hope any more, he must die. He curls up into himself as much as his battered body allows him, waiting for death to claim him once again. Sam has had so many terrible days in his young life, but he never before wished for death, all because he knew Dean never could go on without him. Now all he wants is to die and be out of all his miseries for good, to be wiped out from the face of earth for ever.

With every passing moment his pains intensifies, new kinds of pain come to surface as the initial shock passes and his senses starts to work again. Pains of all kind attack him viciously.

They say before dying you see your whole life flashes before you. It happens for Sam too. As the reality around him turns fuzzy, his memories get more vivid.

He sees himself as a baby, a four year old Dean and his mother kissing him good night and his father saying good night to him with a lovely smile. A smile creeps to his own lips too, but it dies young when he sees the yellow eyes over his crib and he is so young to even know what is going on, he just knows he doesn't like this stranger looking at him hungrily and cries. He wishes he had never cried that night so his mother hasn't come to his room. He lives his worth memory once again, watching Mary bleed over him as she bursts into flames. It's so brutal to watch when you are only six months old.

This bitter memory morphs into other memories from his childhood. He remembers his father and brother every time in a different town in a different room in a different bed; a different home. He remembers the first time he noticed that other families were not like them, funny that later on he became to recognize that others were not different it was his family which was different.

As he passed his first years of life he started to wonder why he didn't have a mother, he remembers how he started searching for answers in his only source of information, his brother, his protector.

He recalls how his curiosity turned into a wish little by little. What he missed left a huge gap in his life and nothing and no one ever came close to fill it. Every moment that he watched a mother taking care of her child, his small heart longed for a mother, every moment he felt he needed love and support he yearned his mother. He was never was loved, kissed or hugged the way a mother loves, hugs or kisses. In the next fallowing years he discovered more and more that he was deprived from such a blessing, a mother. A mother he never had a chance to appreciate her love, a mother who never had a chance to nurture and love him, a mother who never had a chance to care for him when he needed it. So he turned to his father and brother to seek the love he wanted and needed.

Then he remembers the first Christmas he understood about all the evil that was out there, about the evil that took away his mother from him, he feels the fear he felt then once more as he is lying helplessly on the ground, fear of losing his father and brother to that evil too. The fear that haunted him many days and night when he waited for his father and his brother to come back from a hunt, the fear that never really left him alone even when he turned to a hunter himself and started to hunt alongside of his father and brother. Tears sting his eyes as he remembers that at the end he lost his father to same devil who took his mother. The acrid smell of blood on the dusty floor fills his bloody nostrils and he feels sick.

When he thinks back he knows that he has lost his father to the devil years before he died in that hospital. He lost his father when he got obsessed by hunting every day more than previous day, when he started to put the hunts before them, when he started to put hunting and training before everything.

As Sam hit his teenage years he started to put up a good fight for his father's love and attention, literally. Right now he regrets all the fights and arguments he had with his father to make him to put them before hunting at least once in a while, at the end he could never get his father's love back by picking fights with him. How silly he was that he thought he could change his destiny by vexing the father that although loved them failed to give them anything other than training and tough love, how stupid!

Sam's eyes rims with tears as he thinks about his father. The tears continue to pool in his eyes and when they get heavy enough warm tears drops slip on the bridge of his nose to other side of his face. He doesn't cry for himself and the very lonely moment he has spent in his childhood, teenage years and all the fallowing years that fallowed, not for all the moment that he painfully felt different and wished for normal, he cries for his dad. His shattered heart breaks one last time when the last day of his father's life is played in front of him. His heart bleeds when he remembers that he tried to pick of a fight with his father the last time he ever talked to him, the last fight that was also because he thought his father was trying to put hunting the evil son of a bitch before his dying brother. Poor John, it wasn't his fault that he had a child with demon blood after all, his only blame was to have Sam as his son, he was a curse.

He regrets all of his fights he had with his fathers for the thousandth time, but the most painful tragedy happened when he gave up on his family. When he recognized that he can never have what he wants with his family. He hated it more and more when he was given a backpack and was sent to deal with that much strange people all by his own every time they left a town for a new town, he got lonely a and lonelier with every fight. His heart aches more when he remembers that he spent the loneliest moment of his life at the back seat of the Impala, it was why he left the most important people in his life, ripped away himself from his loved ones and left to search for some normalcy. A life in which when you tell your father that you got a full free ride for a very good university he doesn't look at you like you are a disappointment.

He is painfully reminded that his father never wanted the kind of happiness he wanted and he never tried to understand it; maybe his father knew there was no escape for a hunter, maybe he knew Sam was stuck in the supernatural world for ever. Maybe he knew but he never said anything until he told Dean to either save him or kill him.

Sam feels his chest tighten with this specific memory even more. He takes a deep breath to sigh as his depressed body tries to cope with the loads of sorrow, and it leads to the most painful three coughs of his lifetime as the breath hitches in his throat half way. Every cough knocked more air out of his bleeding lung, with the last one he coughs a large amount of blood up, his pain eases a little as a small stream of blood starts to trickle from the corner of his mouth to the dirty floor. The salty taste of copper fills his mouth all over again. He looks down slowly and shifts a little to have a look at his side, and there he sees the reason of his bloody coughs, a rusty nail sank half way in his chest. The small punctured wound hasn't bled much which means only one thing, he is bleeding in.

The young hunter knows he doesn't have much longer to live, he would be more than happy to finally spare everyone of pains that he had brought to them, but he wishes just for one thing before he dies and it's the caring touch of his brother on his forehead as he brushes away his wild bangs and looks into his eyes with concern and affection. Life is way too pitiless to grant him one dying wish. He feels cold, colder than before; a moan escapes his lips as he tries to curl more into himself.

It helps him to feel a little warmer when all the moments Dean has cared for him comes to him in very vivid pictures. Dean taking care of him and helping him to get dressed for school when he was so small to know how to tie his shoes, Dean carrying his heavy backpack every time they had to take all their school stuff with them since they were going to leave a town and never come back to their friends there, Dean taking care of him every time he got sick or injured, Dean cooking him easy and not very tasty foods when they were left behind in a cheap small rental house, Dean trying to comfort him every time loneliness and despair of hunting life consumed him, Dean worrying about him every time he coughed, fell, or just simply disappeared, Dean having his back in each single hunt they had after college, Dean simply being Dean, Dean simply being his brother.

Dean never gave up on him even when their father gave up on him and told him to either save his little brother or kill him like a rabid dog. Sam could never make it to this day if it wasn't for Dean's faith in him. Although his obedient brother promised to kill him if he turned evil, he never did it no matter what, because he never doubted Sam not even for a fraction of a second until now.

Sam wonders how Dean managed to stay satisfied as a hunter or how he dealt with solitude it brings with itself. Part of it is definitely for the libertine and care free life style he chose, but how his blithe big brother managed to be there for him every time he needed him still fascinates Sam.

Now tears are freely running down his eyes. Sam can never find anyone to blame but himself for all that unfair things that happened to him. He curses himself with hatred and disgust; damn me and my tainted blood that made my faithful brother to give up on me. Damn me that died like a fool and caused my brother to sell his soul to a filthy demon and get tortured in hell. Damn me that disappointed my brother after all the things he went through for me. Damn me for getting my beautiful, innocent mother killed. Damn me for getting my lovely girlfriend killed. Damn me for making my father obsessed with revenge. Damn me that tried so hard, but couldn't change this curse and his sinister destiny even a bit. Damn me to hell.

These are Sam's thoughts as his feeble body curls into himself and darkness claims him slowly and painfully.

Thanks for reading.

Please, please, pretty please review. I really need to know what you think.