There is no way to prepare for a conversation like this. Confronting one's feelings is difficult enough without adding on the complication of bringing another party into them. Admitting you care is not a step to be taken without absolute certainty, and Margaret had certainly been giving the subject much consideration. 'I love you' is not a panacea to one's realization but rather the beginning, the opening to a floodgate. It is a simple statement of honesty, genuflection, and truth.
Margaret Houlihan sat on the edge of her cold, indifferent cot, the one she'd come to know so well during the course of her life in the war. The cool air hit her face, forcing her to stay in the moment. Her hands were shaking, and not due to the temperature. She licked her dry lips out of habit, not due to their dryness. She ran her fingers through her long platinum hair, separating the strands between her fingers. A deep, soft sigh escaped her lips. She closed her eyes and ran her hand over the dress that lay across her lap, a pale blue chiffon number she'd borrowed from Klinger. On the other side of the bed lay a crimson knee length gown, depending on the effect she was going for. She would certainly get Hawkeye's attention with the crimson dress. But the blue dress was softer, more feminine. He would be forced to pay attention to her in that light, and that was the exact effect she was going for. But the crimson dress would give her the confidence to say what she needed to say. Oh…this wasn't going to be easy. If there was only someone she could trust and get their opinion…..maybe there was one person!
She sat the dresses on the bed and, after taking a few deep breaths, she walked over to the clerk's office.
"Klinger! Thank goodness you're in here. I need your help. Right now." She bellowed. "Are you busy? No…" she didn't wait for a response. "Come with me."
Klinger sighed and got up to follow Margaret. He knew better than to protest.
"I'll be right back, Soon-Li." He promised his fiancée. "I promise."
"Major," he asked as they walked outside. "I don't mean to be disrespectful but I'm trying to make some phone calls. We're looking for Soon-Li's family."
"And you'll make your calls. I just need your expert opinion. I'm going to try on two dresses and I need your opinion." She said as they arrived to her tent. "Wait outside."
After a minute she stepped outside in her crimson gown, and she piled her hair in a very loose bun. She walked out.
"Major!" Klinger did a double take. "Wow, Major! You look terrific! That dress looks just aces on you! I don't know where you're going in that but you'll be the queen of the ball for sure. The men will be eating out of the palm of your hands for sure."
"You really think so?" Margaret smiled in spite of herself.
:"Think so, I know so! Look at you….you look radiant. Don't demote me for saying so, Major. You did ask for my opinion."
Margaret laughed. "That I did. Now give me a few minutes. I have one more dress to try on. Stay right there."
"Going nowhere." Klinger mumbled as the Major shut the door to her tent.
Once she walked out in her blue dress, she was greeted with a smile. "Now that's nice."
"Nice?" she huffed. "Nice!" she walked over and stood nose to nose with the company clerk.
"That's the best you can say is that I look nice?" her voice had now officially raised an octave.
"Yes, you look nice! What's wrong with that! You look pretty. I don't see what's so bad with that." The exasperated Lebanese clerk cried out in frustration. "You do look nice."
"I don't want to look nice! " Her voice continued to crack with increased emotions. "I want you gone! Gone!" She waved at him.
"Look, Major, can I say something to you without you getting offended?" Klinger asked humbly as he waited for her to nod her head.
"I'm not so sure as to why the dress bothered you. The red dress was amazing…I don't know what you need a dress for but believe me…that first dress will accomplish anything you need it to. I wouldn't lie to you. You gotta trust me."
Margaret considered his words for a minute. Could he be right? Could the crimson dress accomplish what she wanted it to? First she had to know exactly what she wanted it to do.
She nodded her head to dismiss Klinger, then sat back down in her tent. She thought some more about what Klinger had said.
The dress would certainly catch Hawkeye's eye. But would he respect her? She wanted-no needed- more than his attention. He was capable of paying attention to only what the woman was wearing. And tonight she wanted to be seen, truly seen for who she really was. Maybe she was selling him short. Maybe he wasn't that shallow that he wouldn't listen to her if she asked him to. Could it be she's getting ready to set herself up for failure the way she's done in the past? Her expectations are that he's going to be an animal and now she's ready to deal with that animal. The problem was, how was the real Margaret to be heard in between the fronts the two people were going to be putting on? Someone had to break first. And for the first time, Margaret realized that that person was her.
It wasn't about breaking. It was about surrender. It wasn't about giving up. It was about willingness to concede that the other person may have a point. If left to her own natural devices she would expect Hawkeye to read her mind and to not act like himself for a minute. And of course, when that didn't happen she would resent him and lash out at him. But tonight had to be different. She couldn't predict the outcome of the night. She didn't have that ability. But what she did have was the willingness to try to do whatever it takes to be heard. And if it meant a little less talk and a lot more listenting, than she could do it.
Margaret didn't have a plan, which scared her to death. She didn't know what she was going to say or how she would say it. The only thing she was certain of is that she loved Hawkeye Pierce and that she would regret it for the rest of her life if she didn't tell him so. Just for tonight she could let go of the need to control the outcome. She could let go of the need to predict what he would say and how he would say it. Sure, it would be a safe bet to say he'd mask his feelings under a direct line of rapid jokes. But tonight she could challenge herself to see past them and see him, to see what he's really telling her. The jokes will be telling, of course. Don't assume, just listen.
Margaret changed back into the crimson dress, and brushed her hair down. She expertly applied her makeup. The hint of love had blended in with the cosmetics and she looked absolutely glowing. Whatever insecurities she had, they remained inward. Outwardly she had never looked better. Her emotions were stirring up rapidly, almost as if she could barely have time to pick just one to let herself feel. Just for the moment, she decided to allow herself to feel serene. She looked good, she was in love, and she was capable. Not sturdy, but capable. With the calming affect of the confidence of her looks Margaret decided it was time to go find Hawkeye Pierce. It was time for a talk, after all.