IV.
Yes, he very much did.
Because that opens up a whole new can of worms. A very ugly can of worms. A can Naruto would not recommend.
The events of Friday night end up causing one of the worst things possible:
A twitter beef.
When he comes back inside, Sakura takes one look at him and demands he tell her what happened and where he was. It's easy enough to tell her that he's upset about he and Sasuke having words in the hall, and skillfully leaves out the whole "I fucked Neji Hyuuga in an upscale bathroom some five odd minutes ago" part that he's certain he's wearing all over his face. See? He's totally good at this kind of thing now. Sakura wants to rip Sasuke a new one, but doesn't even get the chance because they see Sasuke say a few words to Itachi and then they're disappearing off into the night. Not that Naruto wants to talk to him like, at all right now, but he really doesn't know how to feel about the other man not even acknowledging his presence on the way out while Itachi bids everyone hasty farewells.
Wait, yes he does.
Fuck him and his stupid, ugly face and weak, small dick and tiny, mangled baby hands.
Luckily, even though they know he doesn't mean any of this, his friends let him rage on and on about it in the car while they're on the way to the next party, nodding dutifully and adding their own creative insults whenever he pauses to breathe.
Hey, this is what rich people do, ok? They party and party (and maybe party some more) before going back to someone's place and getting even more fucked up. Most days he can't keep up because he's not about that life, but right now nothing sounds better.
Somehow, Hinata even convinced Neji to come along.
Naruto thought it would feel awkward after they just, you know, knew each other biblically, but his brain must be shot to hell tonight because he's totally cool with it.
"What did you give him, Naruto?" Hinata asks playfully in his ear once the party's in full swing. "I can never get him to go out with me, ever. Tell me your secrets."
Haha.
Nah.
So yeah, long story short, they all got plastered and uh, certain people danced together (which led to a lot of raised eyebrows and long stares) and pictures were taken.
"You're a lot less uptight than I thought, yanno?" Naruto slurs in Neji's ear as they grind to the beat, Neji's hands firmly on his hips. He pretends like he doesn't see that Ino and Kiba are openly gawking at them.
Neji smirks and tosses his hair to one side, and Naruto's pretty sure the man just got him pregnant, good God.
"You'd be surprised." he says evenly, which is surprising given how much he's had to drink, too. "But you have keep it a secret, alright?"
Sometimes he fears that's all he's good at.
Naruto barely remembers getting home but vaguely recalls Kiba telling him everything would work itself out and he'd be fine once the happy buzzing wears off and Naruto's faced with how much he kind of wants to die. He even tucks him in. If Naruto didn't love Hinata so much, he'd probably try to bang Kiba too cause he's so awesome and cool and great to him. Geez, that kinda makes him sound like a slut, huh? Well, he kind of is, but whatever.
And that's the end of it.
But of course it's not, because Saturday morning he wakes up and all hell has broken loose.
Please tell me you saw it!
Is what Ino's text reads from two hours ago when he finally returns to the land of the living. He wakes up closer to 1pm but still can't deal with the flurry of reaction emoji's that follow it due to his damaged, muddy hangover mind. He blinks at it, before texting back an eloquent: huh?
Omg pls check twitter.
Oh no, did he write something last night when he was drunk out of his mind? Fuck.
But no, it doesn't have anything to with him at all.
Well, it definitely does, but it's not of his own doing.
(Debatable)
Once he gets his wits about him, he realizes he has a lot of Instagram notifications, telling him that he's got a shit-load of new followers which, weird, he doesn't remember doing anything to warrant that. But then he sees why.
So those pictures we talked about, right? They weren't incriminating or anything, because it's not like he and Neji made out or started dry-humping in the club. He was drunk enough for that but somehow managed not to. They're kind of…worse, in a way, because Neji never adds that many pictures to his own page and the subject is rarely that of people other than himself or the bit of family he likes, so a picture of Naruto laughing with his head thrown back and his arm around Neji's shoulders, holding a drink, while the other man smirks at him in true, "we're so fucking drunk" fashion is bound to make some waves. Not to mention that Neji's hair down and both of their ties are loose and they look super comfortable with each other with their bodies pressed close.
"To new friends." The caption reads, with Naruto's handle tagged in the corner.
Yeah.
Friends.
He does a little internal dance when he reads all the comments about how hot he is and all the fans asking his name underneath it, which turns into a little jig when he realizes Neji's followed him on both Instagram and Twitter, like a true millennial. So he figures that's what Ino was talking about.
He's only half wrong.
Cause there's another picture, posted a few minutes before, that was taken before they left the charity dinner (and before it went to shit) that shows Sasuke and Neji Naruto's friends and himself, standing together looking regal and super serious in their fancy clothes. At least, that's what Sakura's picture showed when she posted it the night before. Neji's picture is suspiciously absent of Sasuke and has Naruto tagged in it, too.
He fucking Diddy-cropped him out of it.
Oh my god.
Which really must have set Sasuke off, because it didn't take him long to Neji on Twitter and ask him, "Since when do you have friends?"
Shit.
This, or course, starts a firestorm of tweets from fans out for blood and yep, a quick google search reveals that there are already articles about it. Naruto decides it's easier to skim through one of these to get everything in a neat little bow instead of traipsing through either of their pages, quietly dying inside.
Why aren't there some interns running their pages like the normal rich assholes do? Who can he talk to about this?!
"Something to say, Uchiha?" Neji tweets him back, even adding an eyes emoji behind it like the magnificent fucker he is.
"Clearly," Sasuke writes back, and Naruto can basically hear the hard edge in his mental-voice while he reads it, "But send your name when you text me because we both know I don't have your number saved."
Oooh, ouch.
"Like I have yours?" Neji fires back immediately. "You know I'm not a fan. Flip phone keypad tones have more range than you do."
The article he's chosen then goes on to ask "Who is Naruto Uzumaki?" and he decides then that he's had enough and stops reading before he pops a blood vessel.
Remember how he said it wasn't his fault? Well, technically it's not because he didn't post them but it was a little petty to get involved with Neji when he knows those two don't get along, right? But he has the right to be a little petty right now, right?
He doesn't get to think on it anymore because Sakura's calling him in the next instant.
"WHAT DID YOU DO?!" She shouts, excited as hell because she's a messy bitch who lives for drama. "I can't believe—"
"I fucked Neij, in the bathroom." He says bluntly, because he's nothing if not honest.
"WHAT? When was this? At the club? How did I miss that?!"
"No." he says, pinching the bridge of his nose. He has the worst headache. "At dinner, before we left. Sasuke caught us afterwards and put two and two together."
"Holy shit. Naruto, I—"Sakura pauses, and Naruto waits for it, whatever it is. "—Am so proud of you, oh my god."
Wait, what?
"What?" He asks.
She laughs and he can't understand why because he doesn't find this to be in any way funny. Okay, he really does, but he also feels like a piece of shit and like he restarted the Cold War so he can't laugh about it right now. "I never thought you had it in you! You've always been so stuck on Sasuke and I didn't think you'd go out of your way to screw his worst enemy! He totally deserved it though so don't think I'm getting on you. Way to make him jealous, babe."
"They aren't worst enemies." Naruto mumbles, even though he's smiling a bit because thinking about it, it was a flawless victory even though he's flip-flopping on feeling bad about it. "And I wasn't trying to make him jealous."
Right?
"That's a lie and you know it!"
Yeah. Probably.
He then spends the next hour explaining the story over and over to each and every friend of his who wants the dish, because they're all busy-bodies who also enjoy a healthy dose of drama, hesitating when it comes to Hinata because, well….
But she just pauses and he imagines her shrugging when she says "Oh, that makes sense." Like it's nothing and he's reminded that she is also awesome and he loves her.
You know what's decidedly not awesome? At about 3pm, Sasuke's apparently had enough back and forth with Neji and decides that it's Naruto's turn, sending him a scathing "Lose my fucking number." While Naruto's vegging out on the couch, pitifully sipping PowerAde and refreshing his computer for the freshest buzz.
And he…doesn't know how he feels, forreal this time, because…is it really that deep? Sasuke's literally dated other people while they've been doing this thing that they're doing. Granted, he at least gave Naruto a head's up and they technically cut it off while it was happening—so he can understand him on that front—but still! Where does he get off being so upset like he didn't pretend he didn't even know who Naruto was twenty minutes before the whole thing even went down?! It seems awfully dramatic seeing as how they aren't dating and even with him hating Neji's guts it's not like he played him or cheated on him or anything.
So no, Naruto's not going to fucking deal with this because he knows the other man's game. He knows that Naruto is emotionally weak and doesn't like to argue, so he expects him to call and apologize and swear to make it up to him, just like most other time they've had it out and he's absolutely sick of it.
He hurt his goddamn feelings, ok!?
And he's not gonna stand for this shit anymore.
So he sends the proverbial nail in the coffin by texting: "Who is this?"
He's not at all surprised when the phone rings almost immediately because Sasuke always has to have the last word.
Naruto kind of…stares at it, and really doesn't know what he would say that won't make this worse. It probably a better idea to not talk right now because they're both freshly upset and it won't end well, at all. But he's also not good at purposely ignoring someone he cares about so he flips the phone over and waits it out.
He can just imagine the look on Sasuke's face when it goes to voicemail.
There's a bling of a text not a minute later, and he caves in and looks at it.
Cute. Do what you want.
Oh, so he doesn't have to lose his number now since they're still talking apparently? Cool.
"That was the plan." He says, even though he shouldn't. He really can't help it, or the rising lump he's starting to feel in his throat now that he realizes this might actually be….serious. Final.
You've made that very clear.
Fuck you, he thinks. "Yeah man, the joys of being single." He says, which somehow feels like a low blow but really it's not. It's not.
Sasuke doesn't respond to that, and he really didn't expect him to. So he just sits there and drinks his PowerAde, proud of the fact that he actually managed to stick to his guns and not grovel for forgiveness at the slightest sign of conflict, even though he didn't really do anything wrong.
But woo, shit boy this was the absolutely last thing he wanted.
Amazing.
…
So yeah, it's kind of… over, if Sasuke's nearly two-month long radio silence is anything to go by. This is the longest they've ever gone without speaking to each other since they met, and it seems that Naruto's been unceremoniously dumped, even though—you know what? Fuck semantics, he's been dumped, and it fucking sucks.
Not to mention that shortly after their falling out, Sasuke started dating Sai.
So yeah, that happened.
Like, seriously dating him. They're Facebook official, if anyone still even uses that site. Sasuke clearly one upped him on the "revenge fucking" thing, even though the jokes on him because this revenge plot involves him having to date Sai of all people. He has to admit, though, that it was a good finishing move.
Props for that.
He can't really be sure if they started dating because Sasuke's getting back at him, but the timing is awfully convenient, isn't it?
That means it's totally true and Naruto maybe wants to kill him.
Which one of them? Who knows? Maybe both.
Yeah, definitely both.
He doesn't let it get him too down, though. So it's done. So what? It was bound to happen eventually. Naruto's not stupid even if he acts like it sometimes. Just because the super-hot famous playboy sleeps in your bed and takes care of your fucking cat and tells you you're special doesn't mean you are. He should have listened to his friends and cut his losses while he had the chance, while he wasn't in too deep, and maybe he could have avoided all the pitying looks and frowns over the following weeks after the whole thing went down. It's a small annoyance that he can live with, because everyone's babying him and making more time to see him and Naruto kind of adores the attention because he's feeling lonelier than ever.
At least he's made a new friend out of it. That's better than nothing.
Turns out that he and Neji get along like gangbusters.
They go everywhere together, attached at the hip. Naruto gets to meet some more really cool industry people and Neji takes him to get caviar and expensive sushi while Naruto gets him to go roller skating and to all-you-can-eat buffets because the other man's never been in his life. Shocking, I know.
Who knew that all it would take for him to gain a new best friend was cutting off his dick supply?
Many happy returns.
Naruto figures this is Neji's way of courting him, or something prestigious and fancier than just calling it dating, but that's not the case. They're sitting on his couch one day watching Aladdin (a shared favorite) after another long day out together, Demon curled in his lap, and Neji's running his fingers through his hair and saying:
"It's all right if you just want to be friends, you know."
"Huh?" Naruto grunts dumbly, because they just started A Whole New World and he can't believe the other man is interrupting the iconic duet for this.
This earns him a rumbling chuckle that kinda makes Naruto pregnant again. "I mean that I enjoy being your friend and I know your breakup is still fresh in your mind. I wouldn't want to pressure you to do anything. As long as you'll have me, I'll stick around."
Naruto blinks at him, blanking out on the song and momentarily ceasing the constant petting it takes for Demon not to claw at him.
"Wow, that's, uh, really sweet of you. Why are you so—ow, dammit, Demon!—so awesome?" He asks, swatting at demanding paws.
Neji shrugs and smiles. "A natural gift."
"Don't do that; when you smile like that it makes me want to kiss you." He gets a saucy smirk in return and he pushes the other man's face away, laughing, as Neji pushes his lips out for dramatic effect.
"But I'm not going to." He says confidently, even though he's feeling a little uncertain.
He's never been intimate with someone and then was able to be friends with them after, just like that. He wonders how long it will take for Neji to get tired of the no fooling around rule they've just set up. It always ends up being all or nothing with every guy he's met and he's not too confident this will last long, no matter how much he wants it to.
But maybe this is a little different, he thinks, as Neji's eyes are very warm and his touch is very tender as he presses a chaste kiss to the side of Naruto's head and nods quietly.
"Now rewind it because we missed the whole song." Neji mutters a few moments later.
"Tsk. Because of you and your lame feelings talk." Naruto shoots back, but he's smiling all the same.
Yeah. A little different.
…
He's off one day and he's watching an interview on Good Morning America. White Snake is on, because of course they are. It's not like they're one of the biggest groups in the world, or anything. Naruto wants to change the channel but can't bring himself to. He kind of…misses seeing Sasuke and it's like a punch in the gut when he walks on because he looks amazing and glowy and happy, most of all, which sucks because even though things are good in Naruto's life—besides the whole, you know, that—Naruto is anything but. It shouldn't come as a shock, because Sasuke's been around the block before and knows the deal by now. It probably took him a week to be over the whole thing, to wash his hands of it, while Naruto's nowhere near that.
Maybe he's just imaging it though, the easy smile and the happy little glow. It would make it easier to just say fuck it and fuck him if the other man was that unbothered after such a short time apart. It's TV, he has to look happy, right? He's dying inside too, right? Cried himself to sleep a few nights, right?
Right?
He watches the interview with an odd sense of detachment, noticing absently that Sasuke's not as vocal—ha—as he usually is, letting the other members take the lead. The question of Sai comes up, because of course it does and Sasuke answers it easily enough, saying how they met, how they're doing, how great the other man is, yadda yadda.
It kind of makes him sick to his stomach but like a true masochist, he watches on.
Heartbreakers, the single is called. Fucking ironic, huh? And not in the good way.
Naruto snorts and pats the comforter to find the remote. He's seen enough, thank you very much. Won't be doing that again.
"Have you ever been heartbroken?" the interviewer asks before he can flip the channel.
There's a chorus of "oh yeah's" from the other members, and Naruto doesn't imagine the way Sasuke's face shuts down and he seems to close off. He's watched in on TV and in person enough to know the signs of a Very Unhappy Camper ™. Hmm.
"Yeah." Sasuke says blankly after every else has quieted. "…..Once."
Naruto jabs the channel up button as hard as he can.
It rattles him for the rest of the day, and he can't, for the life of him, put his finger on why.
…
Three whole months, and he's been a good boy. He hasn't called, or texted, or Instagram-stalked you-know-who, and he's damn proud, if he says so himself. But, being single kind of….well, sucks? Especially after not being quite so single after so long. That's probably why he fucks up and starts sorta-not-really dating again, and the guy may or may not be…even worse.
Because he's an idiot, and idiots never learn.
Let's back up again, shall we?
It's not on purpose; Naruto perfectly fine with eating his body weight in ice cream and watching He's Just Not That Into You and 500 Days of Summer back to back for the 400th time in a row because uh, relatable, am I right?—but his friends—mainly Ino and Sakura— seem to think that's a sign of depression for some silly reason so they make him go out and function like a normal human being. He really doesn't want to, ok? Like, really, really doesn't but he's scared of them—mainly Ino and Sakura—and ends up getting roped along with anything they want him to do. They take him to one of their fancy clubs with skin-tight jeans and about 16 percent self-worth. At least they picked a day where it was relatively high, all things considered. He's gotta give it to them for that.
Anyway, he feels entirely too old for this sort of thing. He's closer to 30 than 20, for god's sake, and staying up till 3am drinking and getting bumped into all night isn't his idea of fun anymore. Maybe it never was. So he's really not "down with the sickness" as the youth say, but he goes anyway cause he really doesn't want to hear any shit and what's the worst that could happen, right?
Famous last words, and all that.
The set-up's normal: he's chilling at the bar, only on his second drink, looking around at all the barely 21's grinding up a storm—they all probably smell like ass and he really can't believe this is how he used to hookup in college, like, seriously—when Ino frantically taps at his arm and nearly yells "Hottie at 12 o'clock!" in his ear.
Yeah right, everyone she suggested so far has been a low 7 (and that's generous) and she's pretty tipsy right now so he doubts—
Ok, holy shit, never mind.
It's like winning the lottery, or getting the freshest sandwich at Chick-Fil-A, or something like that. Naruto can't believe that he's found such a gem on a shitty night like this after the shitty couple months he's had. And even better? He doesn't recognize him! Hasn't seen him on TV or in a magazine and doesn't already know his name! A regular fucking nobody, just like him!
At least, that's what he assumes based solely on first impressions.
Too bad the guy's standing awfully close the person he's talking too right now and Naruto's still not that kind of guy to interrupt if they have a thing going on. Hell, he doesn't even know if he's into guys at all. It's still nice to look.
"Go talk to him, Naruto!" Sakura insists, pushing insistently at his back. Ino bobs her head a little too hard to be comfortable in agreement. "Go get all up on that."
Yikes. He tries not to slip from her nudging. "He's busy." He says with shrug.
Ino sucks her teeth and waves him off. "That's like, the fifth guy he's talk to in ten minutes. He's on the prowl and so are you so Go. Talk. To Him. You need this."
"I do not." Naruto protests weakly.
"Do too." They say in unison.
Yeah, maybe.
He wants to argue, but they're probably right. Why should he be here mourning something that barely was while Sasuke's living it up with a guy that looks a knockoff version of himself? He shouldn't! He deserves better!
Now that his self-worth has risen to a lofty 25 percent, all he has to do is figure out how to like, flirt.
He's never been very good at it, and he's usually not the one doing the approaching. How do people usually go about these things?
"So you're pretty hot and I was wondering if you'd like to make out?" He basically shouts once he musters up the courage to walk over.
Smooth.
Even over the loud music, Naruto swears he can hear Ino and Sakura facepalm behind him.
The guy looks him up and down, once, twice, before shrugging and saying:
"Sure." and then hey, just like that, they're making out.
Yep, he's still got it.
He finds out later that the guy's name is Kakashi. Even though he looks significantly older with his shock of gray hair, he's only twenty nine and he's a certified bad boy. He even owns a motorcycle.
Does Naruto have a type? He has definitely a type, doesn't he?
That's not important. What is important is that he's getting felt up in the surprisingly clean club bathroom—he did say this was a fancier one—by Bad Boy Kakashi ™ and he's never been one to uh, release the baby gravy too early but this is the second time he's getting it on in a public bathroom in so many months and it just might be a new kink of his. Not to mention that Kakashi has a sinful mouth and didn't waste any time yanking Naruto's pants down to give him the ol' hey-ho like both of their sets of friends aren't fully aware of what's happening while they wait outside.
He feels like such a slut but honestly can't bring himself to care.
He's zipping Naruto back up and patting the front of his pants almost lovingly before Kakashi gets an inquisitive look on his face and asks him:
"So, what's your name?" with a shit-eating grin.
"I think I'm in love." Naruto says dreamily sometime later, after he's gotten the other man's phone number and Ino and Sakura are escorting him home. He gets two very dry looks in the rearview mirror.
"Please tell me you're kidding." Sakura asks warily.
"Don't joke like that." Ino says at the same time.
"Sorry, sorry." He says, even though he's not.
Things are looking up.