Ch.3: I am teaching myself how to be free

Longing

Here we go again. Tell your brain a story. Playground, happiness. Kids running around. You're playing tag with Steve.

Rusted

You fall to the ground. Head first into the snow. Siberia. No, Central Park. Tell your brain a story, a story of ice skating in Central Park. Head first into the snow.

Furnace

Freezer truck. You had no money for the train, you find someone to take you back to Brooklyn. It's cold, Steve is shivering, his brow angry. You spent the money for the train on hot dogs.

Daybreak

Hot dogs. Steve punches your arm, you fall on your side dramatically, to make him laugh. But he's not laughing, he's reaching for you. You're still falling. You hear him scream.

Seventeen

He screams, you scream and everything goes black. Tell your brain a story, everything is black, except for Steve. He's there, he's bigger than you remember. He's carrying you out.

Benign

Now he's falling, you jump after him. You're carrying him out of the water. He saved you, you've saved him. No, he hasn't saved you yet, but he's trying.

Nine

Tell your brain another story. Steve in Wakanda. Back to the ice. No, not back to the ice, out of the ice. Steve is waking you up. He's going to save you.

Homecoming

Steve is not alone. He says she can help you. He's afraid of her, you are afraid of her, at first. She tries to breaks through. You're still afraid of her, of what she does, of what she sees.

One

Not anymore. She can help you, and she does. Tell your brain a story, a story that hasn't happened yet. A story you want to happen.

Freight car

Tell your brain a story. A story where you hold her, you kiss her, you tell her that you-

Victoria made her magic leave Bucky's head, and stared at his panicked face.

"Vick, I'm sorry, I'm-"

"James…" Victoria took a few steps back before Bucky grabbed her hand. "Don't do this to yourself."

Bucky just nodded. "I get it, I just-" He chuckled dryly. "Why am I even trying to explain myself, you've seen everything." He looked up at her and Victoria held his gaze.

"I really care about you, James, but-" Victoria shook her head and forced a smile. "Hey, let's focus on the good news."

"After making a complete fool of myself, it would be good to hear some."

"You made it through all ten words." Victoria said.

Bucky smiled widely and hugged her, feeling lighter already. After months of work and effort, breakdowns and migraines, finally. It was the first time in decades that Bucky felt truly happy about himself. Before he could process what he was doing, he had already picked Victoria off the ground and twirled around. Putting her back on the ground, his hand cupped her chin and he leaned in to kiss her, but she stepped back.

"I can't. James, I'm sorry, but I just can't."

"Your heart belongs to someone else, I get it." He offered. "Steve told me you were married."

"I am."

"Why was I under the impression that your husband is dead?"

"I can assure you is not for lack of trying, but he's alive." Victoria said. "Whether he knows I'm alive or not, that's another matter."

Bucky sensed there was so much story hidden between those lines, but it would be inappropriate to ask. Victoria, though, seemed to read his mind.

"One day. One day I'll be able to tell you the whole story." Victoria said, holding his hand. "Right now, though, you deserve a treat." Placing a hand on his chest, Victoria made his clothes change from the white hospital scrubs to jeans and a red shirt.

"We're going out?" He asked, with a hint of panic in his voice.

"I could give you the illusion of an arm if you're worried about that. Or a jacket." She suggested.

"A jacket would be fine." He muttered, another flash of gold and he was wearing one. "I'm just-"

"Hey, we didn't go through all that so you'd lock yourself away. So right now, you are getting chocolate ice cream, and a bit of fresh air." She said, holding his hand. Bucky's breathing calmed down, as well as his heart rate. He felt less anxious and calm. Victoria looked at him with a smirk.

"I absolutely love it when you do that." He said with a tiny smile and squeezed Victoria's hand, before letting her lead him out of his room for the first time since he arrived.

.-

Longing

It's been 6 days. You had ice cream (chocolate ice cream!) and a walk, and no one gave you a second look. For once, you felt almost normal.

Rusted

6 days. After the ice cream, you had a terrible headache, you blacked out. You haven't seen her since. Was it something you said? Wait, of course it was something you said!

Furnace

6 days. She hadn't even come to see you. You freaked her out, you moron. Tell your brain a story, she had said. But right now your brain doesn't wanna cooperate.

Daybreak

All your brain offers is self-deprecation. Why did you have to even think about that? Why did that idea come to your mind in the first place?

Seventeen

Tell your brain a story. How about a story where you don't fall for her? Or a story where you see her as just your doctor? A story where Steve actually could punch Hydra off your brain and you don't get to know her.

Benign

Steve's voice is so annoying, and without her hold on your brain, you feel like lashing out. Oh, no, for all that is sacred, no. She would be really disappointed.

Nine

готовы соблюдать. No… remember her voice. Tell you brain a story. Steve is there, he doesn't know yet. Imagine you're telling this to Steve.

Homecoming

Huh, that's a new story. Steve doesn't know. Steve still doesn't like her. But he doesn't know her like you do.

One

What would he say? Of course he'd say it's dangerous. Or pointless. He'd probably scold you for being stupid. But he doesn't know her like you do.

Freight car

He doesn't love her like you do.

A smiling Steve sat in front of Bucky and patted his shoulder. "You okay there, pal?"

"My head is killing me." Bucky mumbled. "But, see? I told you it worked." He added with a smile of his own. "Now, if you could help me to the bathroom, cause I'm going to be sick."

"Oh, shit." Steve said, grabbing Bucky's arm and rushing him to the bathroom.

This wasn't news to Steve. Victoria had said that without the magic hold in his brain, Bucky would have some remaining symptoms. Migraines, vertigo crises and nausea. Even some sleepwalking episodes Bucky had no recollection of. Right now, she was working with wakandan scientists, trying to come up with a solution. Or, how Steve would put it, trying to unfry his brain.

Steve held Bucky until he was done puking. "Feeling better?"

"A bit. Still dizzy, though." Bucky said, sitting against the bathroom wall. Steve sat beside him.

"This sort of sucks, huh?"

"Better than following orders." Bucky sighed and looked up to the ceiling.

"We're working on it, don't worry. Victoria and Shuri will find a way." Steve couldn't help but notice the slight change in posture Bucky had at hearing Victoria's name. "Okay, Buck, spill it out. Something has been bothering you the past few days."

"It's nothing." Bucky said, rubbing his face. "And I really don't wanna talk about it." Without letting Steve prod more into the matter, Bucky stood up and washed his mouth and face. Steve stood by his side, just watching him. "Fine!" He broke, and Steve giggled. "I just- miss her. I haven't seen her in days."

"Well, you'll see her tonight." Steve said, walking behind him back to the room.

"What?" Bucky said, startled.

"She's taking you out again."

Bucky blushed, profusely. Steve couldn't help but laugh.

.-

Bucky had never felt more normal in his life. Victoria took him to dinner, then ice cream and then a walk. All he needed was a ferris wheel and a hot dog, and he could've pretended it was 1940 and he was out on a date. But it wasn't a date, and the only reason he could go out it was because of the magic hold Victoria had on his brain. Otherwise, he'd be throwing up everywhere or even worse, blacking out.

But now it wasn't time to think about those things. Right now, Bucky only wanted to enjoy the evening, doing something as simple and mundane as sitting with Victoria in a park. Enjoy the cooling air and the comfortable silence.

"I'm leaving for New York tomorrow." Victoria suddenly said. "I should be back in a couple of weeks."

"Oh." He said, not really knowing how to react to that. Was it because of what happened? Was it because she didn't wanna have to work with him anymore? His fingers tapping on the soft wood of the bench couldn't manage to break through the heavy silence that followed.

"No, it has nothing to do with what happened that day." She stated, holding his hand to stop the drumming.

"Don't read my mind." He sort of snapped.

"I don't have to. Not anymore." Victoria smiled at him.

"It just feels like-"

"Like I'm abandoning you?" She offered. "James, I wouldn't do that. I will be back, but right now I do need to hand you over to Princess Shuri. I haven't been around these days for that same reason, she asked for my help in making sure it would work."

Bucky sighed deeply. "But you're still leaving. What if it doesn't work and you're not here?"

"It's going to work." She said reassuringly, squeezing his hand. "And I'll be back before you even notice."

In all honesty, Bucky didn't want her to leave for his own selfish reasons. He had grown used to her being there, even in those 6 days he didn't see her, he had missed her more than he was willing to admit. It didn't matter that she had already rejected his advances, he needed her. He needed her like he hadn't needed anyone since Steve.

If she was reading his mind or not, she didn't say, but she laced her fingers with his and stood up. "We have to get back."

They walked hand in hand back to Bucky's room.

"Thank you." He said, still holding her hand.

"Don't worry so much. You'll do just fine." Victoria pulled him in for a hug. "We'll go out and celebrate when I get back."

Bucky just stood on the door frame watching her until she disappeared at the end of the corridor.