AN- I came across a song by Lifehouse, Storm (On their most recent album) and I thought it would be just perfect for a song-fic interlude. Enjoy! Story will continue as normal next chapter. Song lyrics will be written in italics.
Storm- by Lifehouse
How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head
Nymphadora Tonks lay cover-less on her bed in her sad, ill kept flat above the Hogs Head. It was a Saturday night, a soft rain pattered on a lone dusty windowpane. She lay neither completely asleep nor awake, thinking numbly of Remus. One tiny light emitted a pale yellow cast over her.
How long had she been living like this? It seemed like years. By day she drudged through her work, committed, yet passionless. By night, she became a shadow, feeling neither alive nor dead, but existing in a hellish limbo.
Once a vibrant, fun loving witch, the hardness and impossibility of her current circumstance had stolen all her exuberance away. Her spirit became frozen, locked up in answerless questions. Everyday she missed him, everyday she worried for him.
The thoughts swimming in her mind ran through a track constantly, growing old and weary from wear and repeat. Where was he? Was he ok? Was he safe?
If I could just see you
Everything will be alright
If I'd see you
This darkness will turn to light
Little did she know that the man she frayed over was feeling exactly the same. Remus Lupin dwelled gloomily in a house that was not his home, many miles away. He resided there as part of his mission to infiltrate and influence the werewolf community. If he could convince them to conduct themselves with reason and responsibility, he might be able to stop them from siding with Voldemort in the war. His mission was every bit as dangerous as Snape's, but oddly he felt no fear. As long as he was performing his duty to Dumbledore and the Order, he held no regrets over his fate except one.
Tonks. He had allowed himself to fall in love with her despite his constant internal reprimands that he had no right to be with her. She was so young, so beautiful, so perfect, no matter what shape she took or what she knocked over in her clumsy rampages. He hated himself for loving her so hopelessly. He hated himself for losing control and kissing her.
But hadn't she said she loved him? Hadn't she kissed him back? Yes. She did. But it didn't matter to him, if anything, it made the situation worse if the poor girl loved him. He tried to tell himself that she was confused, and that she would soon come to her senses and forget him, and find someone suitable, someone worthy of her, which he was certainly not.
It wasn't a matter of self-esteem. It was common sense. He was a werewolf. He couldn't be with her, he couldn't be with anybody. It was too much of a risk.
He paced the floor, alone in the dark house for once, grimly happy at this chance for rumination. Night had fallen hours ago. Hands behind his back, moonlight stripping his stormy face, he glowered a stare outside, where a mounting rain mirrored his mood.
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
A sudden crack of lightning made Tonks open her eyes. She wished it hadn't, she had just been starting to dream. Resentfully she rose to the window, and watched for a while as rain swirled down onto the blackened streets of Hogsmeade. She closed her eyes again and exhaled, her breath fogging a pane. So close to dreaming. That was the only time she was happy now, because it was the only place she could see him.
She wondered then, as she often did, if she was mad. His kiss haunted her pervasively. His lips seemed to have burned an impression right into her, because she could not forget. She could feel him still, every moment. He kissed her after she'd told him she loved him, then he flew. Disapperated. Poof.
Any embarrassment she felt at that was so outweighed by her concern for him that it had gone unnoticed. Her allies had told her rumors, talk that something had gone seriously wrong. Undaunted, Dumbledore believed that all was well. Everyone around her seemed convinced that no news was good news, but it wasn't bloody enough. She needed proof, she needed to hear from him and see him the same as one needs water or air, and she had neither.
The track ran statically through her head. If she were fool enough to attempt to contact him, she would only expose him further. It would do nothing to save him. She could not endanger him to quell her own fears. Hadn't it been she that put him in jeopardy in the first place? Hadn't he wagered a voyage to Hogsmeade to see her? Wasn't this all her fault in the first place?
Guilt, longing, and other all too familiar emotions drifted through her as she raised her fingertips to the cold damp glass.
Remus continued pacing on an ancient threadbare carpet. He too, felt overwhelming guilt. A young werewolf that he had convinced had acted reckless and short of sight. The imbecile had started a rebellion with a few others of the young ones, and erroneously brandished it under Greyback's nose. Naturally, they met his wrath. Luckily, some escaped alive, but Remus felt solely responsible. He had failed to convey to them that a lasting structural change would take tact, subtlety, and wits. They thought his plan would take too long. They thought quite wrong.
This new regret layered over his feelings for Tonks. He couldn't help it, and he had barely the energy to maintain the self-loathing, but he missed her. God, he missed her and he thought about her nonstop. She was his only comfort, his only light, even if he had to hate himself more for indulging in it, but he thought of her. He reminisced about her smile, her smell, her laugh. He remembered all the time they had spent together the year before. He learned so much about her, and his suspicions that she was an intelligent, kindhearted and thoughtful witch were confirmed. He missed most sincerely of all how happy she made him feel when she was near. He had had too few moments of feeling that way, his young life so heavily plagued with burden and tragedy.
At times, he remembered the way she tasted, and this delicious thought was always met with a particular twinge that he could not shake, and kept him awake at night.
If I could just see you
Everything will be alright
If I'd see you This darkness would turn to light
Tonks also was plagued by insomnia. She couldn't help but wonder when this living nightmare was going to be over.
Her mind wandered back to last year, to a golden autumn day when Remus had walked her home. She remembered how the sun sparkled in his hair, his warm, kind smile, and his gentle, easygoing manner. She thought of how he could be lost to her.
Distressed, she clenched her fists and prayed, silent and fierce. All she wanted was to see him, or at least receive confirmation that he was preserved.
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
Lupin, compelled suddenly, turned to his own window, his gaze seeking out the stars and finding them. He closed his eyes and invoked the appeal he prayed every night, that she be sound and safe, tonight and always.
AN- Thanks for reading, please review!