Disclaimer: I don't own anything but I AM cool………cough……… laughs nervously
Pupils file into the big hall where they eat and stuff talking excitedly, but not about cheese. Some pupils have no one to talk to (L) so they just chatter their teeth like this game I have. While all this normalness is happening, the teachers rub their hands together evilly and plot plotting thoughts. As do the Slytherins.
Music: Halloween from the Nightmare Before Christmas. Though, of course, that Kill Bill song starts playing first before realising that's not what's supposed to happen. The sound person blames it on Voldemort.
Teachers: Look at these children all weird,
Snape: Harry's here, it's as I feared.
Professor Flitwick stands on chair.
Professor Flitwick: I am cool and you are not!
Nobody glances up but somehow a pie gets thrown at him and he topples of his chair.
Ron: Look there's Snape, take a sho- ot.
This is to Harry who promptly throws a pie at Snape, but of course it hits flit wick. Audience laughter rings out.
All the students: We're at Hogwarts, we're at Hogwarts!
Look at the sky,
Hermione: It's actually the roof.
Everyone glares at Hermione.
All the students: We're at Hogwarts, I wear short shorts!
Magic duels until the opponent goes 'poof'.
Super-secret-guinea-pigs-that-fly-around-with-capes-on: Gweeeeee!
Professor Trelawney: In this school, I predict,
Your all going to die! While watching chick flicks.
Malfoy: I am the one that you all adore,
Pansy: Your so cool that it's hard to ignore.
Pies are thrown at them.
Cat in the Hat: I am in the wrong story,
I shall go, I'm so sorry.
Everyone puts their goblets in the air and sway like in stonecutters (Simpsons) where they sing.
Everyone: This is Hogwarts, this is Hogwarts!
Ginny: Hogwarts school!
Luna: Hogwarts school!
Stewie: Excellent.
Hides… ACTIVE GRENADES!
Parvati: Hogwarts school!
Fred: I am George.
George: I am Fred.
Nick: As you can see I am quite dead.
Bananas in pyjamas: We're not here, we're invisible,
Neville: No your not I can see your hats.
They glance at each other then run out the door quickly leaving a cloud of air like in cartoons.
Laughing bunny: Hahahahaha, hahahahahahaha.
Pancake: That's very annoying so you'll shut up now.
Cheese dealer: Cheese!
Everyone: This is Hogwarts.
Eggs, frogs and pickled warts.
Talking clock: I am scared.
Clock collector: That's quite alright.
Puts clock in bag.
Gingerbread man: Eat a slug, eat a worm,
Go and get a strange new perm,
But don't you eat my gumdrop buttons.
Someone taking this seriously: That didn't rhyme! That didn't rhyme!
Jumps up and down childishly stamping his feet.
Everyone: Hogwarts school, is quite fine.
Left out child looking very sad: I have a feather, can I join in.
Everyone: No!
Pushes left out child looking very sad out.
Dobby: Oh what a shame.
Looks sad.
Everyone: She had quite a big chin!
Hermione: I like to boogie woogie with my bestest friends.
Looks adoringly at Ron and Harry.
Harry: I like to smile, so I smile no end.
Teachers whisper to each other.
Professor McGonagall: I hate my hair, what should I have done.
Professor Sprout: Eat some vegetables, that'll be fun.
Everyone: This is Hogwarts, this is Hogwarts!
Hogwarts school, Hogwarts school, Hogwarts school, Hogwarts school.
Tweedledee and Tweedledum: Cakes and chocolate everywhere,
Life's no fun unless you have hair.
Bald chap: Hey!
Snape: Pathetic children, they smell bad.
Bo-Chad: And my name is not Bo-Chad.
Jesus: You've done this.
Dumbledore: In this school, don't they love it now.
Edna Mode: Now that suit is quite last year
Starts measuring Dumbledore.
Everyone: Voldemort! Voldemort! He resides at Kwikimort.
(He thinks he's cool but his badge says otherwise!)
Bambi: This is Hogwarts!
Everyone: Everybody SCREAM!
Dumbledore: Look to your left and see how I control you.
Gryffindor: Red
Slytherin: Green
Gryffindor: Red
Gryffindor: Red
Hufflepuff: Blue
Trombone teacher: Everyone remember the trombone cue!
Trombones start playing but they stop soon after as the trombone players start eating the trombones. Oh how they crave those trombones.
Everyone: This is Hogwarts, this is Hogwarts!
Ravenclaw: Hogwarts school!
Hufflepuff: Hogwarts school!
Gryffindor: Hogwarts school!
Slytherin: Hogwarts school!
Dumbledore: In this school, please be quiet.
Now is time to calm the riot.
Everyone: Lalalalalala Hogwarts school, Hogwarts school.
Lalalalalala Hogwarts school, Hogwarts school.
Lalalalalala Hogwarts school, Hogwarts school.
Gets gradually quieter until it's silent. The small boy on the tricycle from The
Incredible's bubbles pop and gazes in bewilderment at everyone. Dumbledore looks shiftily, zaps the boy and acts if nothing happened.
Dumbledore: Welcome.
Everyone starts clapping. This clapping goes on for a long period of time, the Gryffindors scream, the Slytherins jeer, this certainly is a sight. It seems that the headmasters speech made quite an impact. Oh Oh OH! Look at that! It seems that a Hufflepuff has stood up onto the table and boogied. Yes, she boogied. Whoa, we'll never see THAT again. The headmaster has just ordered silence, and look! He's waved his wand and FOOD has appeared on everybody's plates. Well Carol, what do you think of this.
Dumbledore: Enjoy your food.
Everyone enjoys their food.
Harry: Food. Food! FOOD!
Ron: No Harry…sustenance.
Harry: Yes, but if I shout that in a way that gets louder and implies that I'm mentally deranged it just won't sound right.
Ron: Fair enough.
Hermione: Can we round this off now.
Rounds off.
I…like…teapots! That'll do.