Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Naruto-verse. And the way the manga has been going these days, I'm glad I don't. Seriously…

Summary: Just some random one-shots of random Naruto-related thoughts that our darling Hinata might have.

Muses for this Chapter:

Nujabes- Think Different (ft. Substantial)

Epik High- Umbrella (ft. Younha)

Ino/Gaara or Ino/Kiba crack fic. Who knew they could be so much fun?

*OT- did you know that Ino was top overall in the Academy? Why was Sakura always touted the smartest? It's easy to forget...

Chapter 4: Angst-Ridden Thoughts of a Proud Failure

They hate me. TheyhatemeTheyhatemeTheyhatemeTheyhateme.

I tried to take several deep breaths, my heart pounding. The world started spinning.

I can't breathe.

I slipped into the bathroom, taking care to quiet my sobs until I closed the door fully.

I started stripping, tears dripping down my face, clothes scattered haphazardly as I made my way across the marble floor of the bathroom to the tub. Blindly, I reached for the shower, turning it so the water started pouring out. Ice cold.
I collapsed into the tub, crawling up into a ball, holding onto myself, crying still.

I'm my only support.

They hate me. They do. They do. They do. I stared at the water pooling around me, my tear drops mingling with the water, my breathe coming out in visible puffs against the cool air.

My hair clung to my shoulders, fanning out in the water, providing warmth against the shocking cold of the shower. My skin made a final protest against the cold, goose flesh indicating indignation. My head throbbed in time with my breaths. I don't care anymore.

Why can I still feel? Make it stop. Make it stop.

Staring at the tendrils of my hair, dancing in the water as the shower pounded at my back, I thought about what I could do. Now that everyone knew what a failure I was. How horrible I was really doing. How my life is now crashing down in front of me.

I tried protecting him, as stupid as it sounds. I didn't want him to know. I didn't. That's the truth. But, I failed him. I failed him and myself. And my family. And everyone that I love. My precious people.

I'm sorry. I failed.

Father, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm such a failure. I'm sorry I'm so stupid. I'm sorry that I can't live up to your ideal. I can't stand this. I can't stand myself.

I started scratching at myself, wanting to be clean. Wanting to escape from this reality. Wishing I was someone else, anyone else, but myself. Thin red lines appeared on my arms and legs, skin lifting slightly. Still no pain. And yet, there was so much that it was overwhelming.

The pain inside.

I was still gasping; my lungs couldn't take in air fast enough, tears still dripping down my face. Hyperventilating. I can't even cry without failing.

It was enough of a nightmare finding out that I'm not and never will be the top kunoichi in my class. Okay. So I'll do better. I will. I will. I promised myself.

My nails dug into my arms, reminding myself of emotions other than pain. And yet, there it was. There it always is. Pain. It hurts. Make it stop.

Then the civilian children made fun of me. Meek and weak princess. Can't talk without stuttering. Can't speak up. Can't ask questions in class. No. I don't want to let others know how weak I am. Yes. That's why I do it. That's why I'm quiet.

Right?

Maintain dignity, try to do everything myself, try to hide my ineptness.

Right? And yet, they already know. They know. They know I'm weak.

TheyhatemeTheyhatemeTheyhateme. They do.

The students all laughed at me; the clan children simply looked at me in pity or indifference. I'm not important enough to take notice of. I'm not loud. I'm not smart. I'm nobody.
I'm Hinata…Hyuuga?
No, I'm not even that. I don't even deserve my own name. I don't deserve anything because I've failed everyone.

I've failed. I did. I did. I failed.
I'm sorry.

It was embarrassing, it was humiliating, it was degrading. That's not me. That's not who I'm supposed to be. I can't even complete a simple chakra manipulation exercise.
My clan's specialty.

Who was I kidding? I never fit in here.

And then, there was the mock fight; the fight that determined everything and yet proved nothing. It confirmed facts. Hinata. Forever dumb. Stupid. Weak. Failure. I'm a failure.

Am I?

They talk about me like I'm not even there. I'm weak. Need protection. Everyone is better than I am; I'm the weakest of the clan children. Weaker than even the civilian children.

Am I?

Sitting there, I reached behind me and turned the water a tad bit warmer. Might as well be comfortable when deciding my fate. I tried to think up some of my virtues and turned up empty handed.

Sure I can make medicine. But so could a handful of other kunoichi. Sure I have ideas. Doesn't everyone? Sure I have my clan. More a curse than anything.

Every realization drew more tears. I started getting up, only to fall back down, legs cramped up by the previously ice cold water. I cried harder. I cant deal with this anymore. I cant.

If I wasn't even alive, everyone's life would be so much better. Neji's father would still be alive. Hanabi would have a position in the family worthy of her true skills. Father would not have a failure to deal with. The clan children would be perfect without a dark and meek addition. The classroom would be a more cheerful place. I wouldn't be a burden any longer. Everyone would be so much happier.

Theyhateme. And I think I hate myself.

Yes, if I wasn't alive, maybe mother would've been happier too. Father would still have his brother. He wouldn't have to unnecessarily support me in my failings. Neji-niisan would be happier.

If I wasn't alive, I wouldn't have to live. And that would be the best part.

Living hurt. Living means that every day is filled with suffering and failure. Every day is filled with expectations and rituals. Every day is a new challenge. You need strength and courage to live. I'm not that strong. I'm a coward. I know. I'm a failure.

Walking out of the bathtub I dropped to the floor besides my trousers. I patted the pockets of my pants, now sobbing silently, my body shaking, my limbs already feeling weak. My chest heaved, lungs tired from breathing rapidly, back smarting from the onslaught of cold water.

Feeling the cold smooth surface of the kunai, I slipped it out of my pocket and stared at it wondering. Curiously mingled with fear and resignation.

I should die. I'd be doing everyone a favor. I sat on the marble floor, taking care to slip on my pants and tunic in the process. I wanted to at least die with dignity.

Rubbing at my eyes with the back of my hand, I wondered what it would feel like to die.

I got up and stared at the mirror, wondering for the last time what I would be leaving and if anyone would miss me.

No. No one would notice I am gone. Just like now. No one cares.

And then, as I lifted the kunai up into the air, ready to plunge into my chest, I remembered someone just as lonely as I am. Someone whose masked smiles and loud voice brought me joy even during my darkest hours. Who still managed to survive with the lot he received; who braved the world even with his meager circumstances. Who still strived to be the best that he could be despite the lack of resources and help…

Naruto-kun.

I'm his only friend even if he doesn't know it. Even if he doesn't know who I am. I haven't failed at that yet, have I?

There are so many others with problems worse than mine, valiantly trying to live everyday to the fullest. Who would create additional support for the branch members if I was gone? Where would all of my dreams and hopes go when I am gone? Will someone else achieve them… my ideas; will they be fulfilled?

And then, I thought, some more tears drying up slowly, my body still shivering, my hand with the kunai in it, unconsciously swinging down.

Slowly and methodically, I hacked at my hair, kept traditionally long in the Hyuuga style, and vowed that this was the price that I should pay for my foolishness.

I wanted to take my own life when there were people out there who wanted nothing from me, yet needed me. And, because of that, I need them.

I lifted my eyes and stared at myself in the mirror, my previously long hair shorn short, the thick strands pooled around my feet on the floor. Never again will my hair be long again until I have proven myself to be worthy.

I will prove myself to Naruto-kun. Because, he needs me. Whether he knows it or not he does. I'll protect his life because, he saved mine.

A/N:

Inspired by, of all things, this really weird convo I had with my friends about how whenever people cry, they repeat the stupidest things! Also, we were talking about how much we hate Harry Potter but love the fanfics. Something I've been noticing with Naruto-verse as well!

Which reminds me; I've decided that I'm officially in love with all of the Inos and Hinatas and loathe all of the Sakura's. If that makes any sense at all…