"We're meeting Scarecrow at an old, abandoned, high school?" Robin asked, as he stared at the building in front of him. "I don't know, Batman, this has 'set-up' written all over it."
"Well, this is where his agent said we could find him."
"Agent?"
"He directs horror movies, now."
"Seriously? Huh, figures."
"Still, if there is something going on, it'll be good to have you with me. And if not, well, if it ends up being as bad as my last two experiences, it'd be nice to have some moral support."
"Wait, why am I just coming with you now, and not the first two times?"
"Because the author forgot you existed."
"Oh."
"So, Dick-uh, Tim...wait a minute, which one are you supposed to be, Dick Grayson or Tim Drake?"
"I'm Tim Drake."
"Oh...well, the author's barely seen any of the The New Adventures series since she was in elementary school, so...like, can't you just pretend to be Dick Grayson?"
"No!"
"Okay, fine, but don't complain if you're written out of character."
"Whatever, let's go," Robin said, as he and Batman began walking toward the building. Suddenly, a blood-curdling scream could be heard from one of the windows.
Robin turned to Batman. "You said he directed horror movies right?"
Batman nodded. "Yeah, but this is the Scarecrow we're talking about. We can't be sure that person's just acting. Come on."
They rushed into the building, and up the stairs, towards the direction of where the scream had come from. Batman turned to Robin while they were running down the darkened hallway. "I think it came from over here-oof." Batman stumbled back to see a very frightened looking girl standing in front of him. The girl then promptly began screaming at the top of her lungs.
"Ma'am, don't worry I'm here to help you!" Batman said as he grabbed her shoulders. "Where's Scarecrow? Has he done anything to you?"
The girl stopped screaming and instead looked very confused.
"Cut!" a voice yelled.
The lights came up and Batman saw that they weren't alone in the hallway. Along with a camera crew, the Scarecrow, wearing a miffed expression, was impatiently tapping a bullhorn against his chair.
"Chad, Wiley, what are doing? You two aren't in this scene!" he yelled.
"Who are Chad and Wiley?" Robin asked.
"Can I have a glass of water? I've been screaming my lungs out all day and now my throat hurts," the girl croaked out.
"Would you quit asking for water!" the Scarecrow yelled. "This is a horror movie, godammit, if you don't have tonsillitis by the end of the shoot, then you're not trying hard enough!"
"Ugh, whatever," she said. "Then I quit. I'm not putting up with this shit anymore."
"I'm surrounded by amateurs!" Scarecrow shouted, throwing up his hands. "Gretchen!" he yelled, "Get me another understudy!"
"Sorry, Jonathan, but we're all out of actresses. Emily was the last one," replied his assistant.
Scarecrow shook his head. "Fine, well just cobble together the rest of her performance from pre-existing footage later. That's what we did on 'Spring Break at Cannibal Beach 2' and it turned out alright."
"If you say so," Gretchen said skeptically.
"And you, Chad and Wiley," he said, looking at Batman and Robin, "since you're here let's shoot the scene where Batman suffocates the Paul character to death by shoving his cape down his throat and then Robin carves the next clue in his chest with a batarang while the ghost of the murderous ex-principal watches in the same bunny pajamas Paul was wearing when, as a child, he walked in on the zombie version of former soviet premier Vladimir Lenin having sex with his great-grandmother." He looked back to Gretchen. "The guy who play's Paul hasn't quit yet, has he?"
"Not yet," she said.
"Excellent, excellent," Scarecrow said. "Alright, come on people, we're behind schedule as it is and-"
"Listen, straw head, we're not Chad and Wiley," Robin interrupted. "We're the real Batman and Robin."
"Very funny, guys" the Scarecrow laughed. "Prove it."
"Once, when we were transporting you to Arkham in the batmobile, you got affected by your own fear toxin and thought the steering wheel was trying to rape you," Batman said.
The Scarecrows face fell and he immediately turned back to the crew. "Uh, I have to take care of something right now, everyone go and set up the next scene," he told them.
"So, I take it you've come here because your unhappy with my choice of villains for my next movie?" Scarecrow asked them.
"Actually, no, I didn't even know that you were making a movie," Batman said, "but, well get to that later," he assured him.
"What is it you'd like to know?" Scarecrow asked, "Why I decided that scaring people with the power of cinema was a far more rewarding pursuit than using toxic chemicals?"
"Actually," Batman, "that's exactly what I wanted to know."
"The truth is, I always really wanted to make my own horror movie," he said. "I just never had a good enough idea for one. You see, the real reason I spent so much time coming up with ways to get people to give in to their fear was because I was looking for inspiration. I used to fill up notebooks upon notebooks with horror movie plots, but none of them were ever original or scary enough, but then it happened!" He pulled a script out of his back pocket and waved the pages at them, before clutching it to his heart.
"Once, I finally had my perfect idea, I spent months and months slaving over the script, and from then on I was determined to make it into a movie. Oh, sure I had to slog through directing straight-to-DVD fare and schlocky sequel after schlocky sequel, but those brainless studio execs finally realized I had gold on my hands!"
"So, uh, what is this 'masterpiece' of yours, with the totally original and scary plot?" Batman asked, genuinely curious.
"It's about six horny teenagers who sneak into a haunted abandoned high school, that was built over an Indian burial ground, that was built over a bowling alley, that was built over another Indian burial ground, where they end up being stalked and killed off one by one by two masked madmen. I call it 'Night of the Batpocalypse'."
"That...sounds just like every slasher movie ever made," Robin said, dryly.
"No it doesn't," Scarecrow said, defensively.
"Yeah it does."
"No it isn't...but even if it isn't the most original idea in world, it's doesn't matter. The idea itself isn't important. It's the execution that matters." The Scarecrow shoved the script back into his pocket. "Now, speaking of 'execution' I believe I have a movie to shoot," he said as he began walking away from them.
"Wait a minute. There's still the matter of you using us for the villains in your movie," Batman reminded him.
"Hey, it doesn't say anywhere in the script that the killers are you two," Scarecrow said. "All slasher villains have disguises and the ones in my movie just happened to disguise themselves as you."
"Great," Batman said, "then you won't mind us sticking around to watch you filming."
"Of course not, follow me," Scarecrow said.
"Alright then, come along young Robin, we're going to see how movies get made!" Batman said, ruffling the kid's hair.
"You know that's why the other Robin quit don't you?" Robin asked, glaring at him.
"Who a-are you? W-what are you gonna do t-to me?" a 30-something actor playing one of the horny teens stuttered as Chad-Batman and Wiley-Robin advanced on him.
Chad-Batman grinned evilly as as he slowly approached him. "I am vengeance. I am the night. I am...GOING TO KILL YOU! Hahahahaha!"
"I object to this part," Batman said.
"Shush, you," Scarecrow said. "You're gonna ruin this take."
"Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything!" the actor said. "Oh no! You're gonna suffocate me by shoving your cape down my throat, aren't you?" he accused faux-Batman. The actor tried to run, but blocking his way was-Gasp! "Principal Everett? But you're...you're dead!"
"No, no, no!" Scarecrow yelled. "You call that looking scared? I want 'there's a guy wearing a Batman costume about to shove a cape down my throat' scared and you're giving me 'I think we might be all out of hostess cupcakes scared." Scarecrow put his head in hands. "Try it again," he demanded.
"Action!
"Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything!" the actor yelled again. "Oh no! You're-"
"No, no, no! That still isn't scared enough," Scarecrow screamed and began digging his hand into a box at his side labeled 'motivation'.
"You there!" he shouted to the actor he'd been berating. "Blonde haired actor person."
"My name is Jacob," the actor said, firmly.
"Yeah, I stopped bothering to remember your names five understudies ago," Scarecrow said. "What are you afraid of?"
"Well, when I was a little kid I once woke up to a rat chewing on the side of my face and-"
"Rats, rats," Scarecrow repeated as he searched around in his box. "Here!" he said as he pulled a live rat out and threw them into the guy's hair.
"Ah! Rat! Rat!" the guy screamed as he started wildly tearing at his hair.
"Scarecrow!" Batman admonished.
"It's going for my eyeball! Somebody help!"
"Well, how else am I supposed to get a good enough fear reaction out these people without using chemicals. Fear is only good enough for me if it's the real thing," Scarecrow said.
"Why isn't anybody doing anything!"
Scarecrow looked at the Director of Photography who was manning the camera behind him, "So, we got this one okay?" The DP nodded and gave him a thumbs up.
"Okay, I guess this scenes good enough as it is, let's shoot the next one."
"But you only shot one take," Batman pointed out.
"It's a very low budget production," Scarecrow said, "Very, very low budget."
The scene the Scarecrow had decided to shoot next was the one where the two girls hide from the killers in the boiler room where the Principal killed his entire family exactly three years ago that night after being possessed by the vengeful native American spirit of Chief Dances With Cliches. The DP was particularly excited about shooting this scene, because it reminded him of a scene in his favorite horror movie ever.
"Oh, I'm so excited!" he gushed to Scarecrow. "I want to film this scene so it's just like that one in 'The People Under the Stairs'. That's a totally underrated movie and in my humble, personal opinion, Wes Cravens very best movie ever!" he said excitedly.
However, this opinion incensed the Scarecrow. "How dare you say that," he said and reached his hand into his motivation box. He pulled out the first thing he touched, which was a giant tarantula, and hurled it at the DP.
"Ah! Spider!" the DP screamed.
"You tasteless, monkey-brained, pedestrian!" Scarecrow bellowed. "'A Nightmare on Elm St.' is by far Wes Cravens greatest film and I will not tolerate anyone saying otherwise." He pulled his box in front of him so he could have better access to his arsenal as his eyes darted around the room. "You, there" he shouted to one of the actresses. "What was Wes Cravens greatest film?"
"I don't know, The Hills Have Eyes?" the actress replied.
"Wrong answer!" he shouted, taking a boa constrictor out his box and hurling it at her.
"Ah! Snake!" she screamed.
"You!" he pointed at the other actress, "What was Wes Cravens greatest film?"
"Uh, Scream," she answered.
"Wrong again," he said. He threw the note the catering guy she had a crush on had written, saying he only liked her as a friend.
She read the note. "Oh no, how could you? You know how much I fear rejection!" she said, bursting into tears.
"Sorry," the catering guy said, shrugging.
"I'm getting pretty tired of this," Scarecrow said, turning to Batman.
"I know you want me to say 'A Nightmare on Elm St., but I'm not going to. Personally, I don't even like horror movies. I think their sadistic and I don't like the idea of human misery and suffering being used as entertainment," Batman said. He cleared his throat. "I, uh, did kind of like Paranormal Activity," he added sheepishly.
Scarecrow shook his head disapprovingly. "Tsk Tsk. That movie. You know, I don't understand what is is with these critics and their 'this movie is good because they don't show you the evil lurking in the shadows, they let you imagine the worst thing you can think of' nonsense."
"The monster should be right up in your face. It's not scary if you can't see it, godammit. It's a goddamn cop-out!" he screamed angrily. "Although," he said, "I have to admit I've always been a fan of the found footage genre itself. It adds a sense realism, that I've wanted to bring to my own films."
"That's it!" he shouted. "From now this movie is going to be a found-footage movie! Gretchen, go get my handheld camera!"
"Oh, and, you're all fired," he said to the camera crew.
"Awww," replied the camera crew.
Gretchen handed him the camera and then asked him a very good question. "Jonathan, do you really think we should be changing formats when we've shot the majority of the movie? It's not going to make any sense to the viewers if the movie is suddenly being shot by the protagonists with a handheld camera."
Scarecrow shrugged. "Don't worry, we'll try to make sense of it in editing. Maybe film a new scene where they find a camera in the AV Room. Just like we did with 'Vampire Machete Nuns 3'."
"We got nine Razzie nominations for that movie," she reminded him.
"Yeah, but we only won five of them."
Scarecrow gave the handheld camera to one of the actresses.
"Action!" he yelled.
Everyone looked at him, puzzled.
"Uh, what are we supposed to do now?" the girl with the camera asked.
Scarecrow rolled his eyes. "Just do the scene the way it was written originally, except shake the camera around a lot, zoom in and out for no reason, and keep yelling things like, 'We have to keep filming! We have to show the world what happened here!' over and over again. You know, like in all found footage movies."
"Action!"
The girl without the camera began screaming hysterically. "Oh my god! We're gonna die! This is all your fault for daring us to go to the abandoned high school!"
"Great, great," Scarecrow said, nodding, "Now, you have to keep saying things like, 'Why are you still filming? Put the fucking camera down!' about a million times."
"Why are you still filming? Put the fucking camera down!" the actress yelled.
"I can't, we have to show the world what happened here!" the actress with the camera yelled back. However she then paused and looked quizzically at Scarecrow.
"Um, Jonathan, why would she keep filming? It doesn't make any sense. I mean, if someone really was being chased around by a bunch of crazy killers, why wouldn't they just drop the camera and focus on trying to get away?"
Scarecrow sighed, "Because, then there'd be no footage for the movie. Of course it doesn't make any sense, the audience just has to use it's suspension of disbelief. Now keep yelling 'Why are you still filming' and 'We have to show people what happened' back and forth to each other. We don't have nearly enough of that yet and in my estimation, that exchange of dialogue happens approximately 131 times in the average found footage movie."
While the actresses the continued to shout cliche movie dialogue at each other, Batman decided he was getting pretty bored watching it and asked Robin for a dollar for the soda machine.
"But, Batman, you're a billionaire," Robin said.
"I'll pay you back."
"Fine," Robin sighed, giving him a dollar and sending him on his merry way.
Meanwhile, Scarecrow was once again, feeling that the actors in his movie were not giving 110% in the "pretending to be scared' department and called one of the actors who was not the scene over to help remedy the situation.
"Here," he said, pulling a clown mask out of his box, "I happen to know that that actress over is deathly afraid of clowns. Put this mask on and hide behind the boiler, then jump out and scare her."
The actor went and hid behind the boiler just as Batman was coming back from the soda machine with his drink.
"This is the worst day of my life," one of the actresses shouted, "We're being hunted down by two complete psychos, my boyfriend was strangled to death with Batman's utility belt, and YOU WONT PUT THAT FUCKING CAMERA DOWN!"
"But the world must know! We must show the world what-"
"Boogedy-Boogedy-Boo!" the clown-masked actor shouted as he jumped out from behind the boiler.
"Ah! Clown!" Batman screamed as he dropped his can of soda and lunged at the actor. He attacked the actor, pummeling his fists into his ugly clown face, while everyone screamed in horror.
"Oh my god! My face, my precious face. Please stop!" the actor yelled, as he managed to get in between Batman fists enough to pull off his clown mask. "Look," he said, "I'm not a real clown! I'm a human being!" he pleaded.
Batman regained his composure and helped the actor up. "I'm so sorry," Batman said, "it's just, I have this thing about clowns and..."
"It's okay, just...stay away from me!" the actor said, nervously backing away from Batman.
"Look, I'm really, really sorry," Batman tried to apologize.
"Yeah, yeah, you should be apologizing for ruining my shot," Scarecrow said. "Okay, people, let's get Chad and Wiley back in here so we can shoot the final scene where they break down the door and kill the two girls."
"I've got a really good feeling about how this movies gonna turn out," he said to Batman.
"I'm sure it will," Batman replied sarcastically.
"Oh yes, it's my first movie I've written and directed all on my own and I guarantee you, when it comes out the name Jonathan Crane is going to synonymous with Hitchcock, and 'Night of the Batpocalypse' will stand up as one of the great horror films of all time, alongside Psycho, The Exorcist, The Evil Dead, Ringu, A Tale of Two Sisters-"
"What about Friday the 13th?" Robin piped up.
Scarecrow stared condescendingly at him for a few seconds. "Don't even talk to me," he said, dismissiveley. "Besides, Sleepaway Camp was the far superior film in that 'Summer Camp horror' sub-genre."
"Is that the one where the main girl turns out to be a boy at the end?" one of the actors said.
Scarecrow reached into his box and whipped a Slenderman doll at his face. "No spoilers!"
Batman cringed and then felt a tap on his shoulder, turning around to find the actor who was playing him in the movie. Or, as the Scarecrow was trying to convince him, the actor who was playing someone merely dressed up as him.
"Hey there," Chad-Batman said, sipping a cup of coffee, "I just thought I'd come over and say 'Hi'. I've actually always wanted to meet you, seeing as how I've made quite a career for myself out of playing you."
"Nice to meet you," Batman said, "uh...so you 'play' me for a living. What do mean by that?"
"Well, this is my first legitimate production, but before this I did a lot of kids birthday parties, supermarket openings, but my main thing used to playing you in, ahem...'adult movies'.
"WHAT!" Batman yelled, horrified. "You mean 'adult films' of me exists? With you in them? Pretending to be me!"
Chad-Batman nodded casually. "Yeah, it's a huge genre. No pun intended, hahaha. I actually starred in an entire series called The Dark Knight: Ride his Steed. It's all about you going around, rescuing various women in peril and then-" he thrust his hips suggestively and made the bow-chika-wow wow sound-" they repay you. Generously. There's all kinds of different movies pairing you up with the different ladies of Gotham too. You and Catwoman, you and Batgirl, you and Harley Quinn, theres even some with you and the Joker, because, you know, some people swing that way and we want a part of their sweet, sweet, market share."
"You mean theres...movies,"Batman tried to get the words out, "where...me and the Joker-How long has this been going on!"
"A pretty long time now," Chad-Batman said, "In fact, I just received the lifetime achievement award from the Association of Gotham Adult Film Critics."
"How did I not know about this!" Batman shouted.
Chad-Batman shrugged. "I guess you don't watch a lot of porn."
"I watch plenty of-Never mind."
Chad-Batman grinned. "So...how big is it? Just want to know how accurate we were," he asked.
"I'm not telling you!"
Batman removed himself from Chad-Batman's vicinity and went over to Robin.
"Robin, I think we should leave, were obviously not finding anything out by being here."
"But I want to see how the movie ends," Robin said.
"We can see it when it comes out."
"I don't think any studio would actually release this. It'll probably end up sitting on the shelf."
"Uh, fine," Batman said, slumping down in the chair next to him.
Scarecrow called out 'Action' and the final scene commenced filming. Chad-Batman and Wiley-Robin broke down the door to the boiler room and began advancing on the two girls.
"Hahahaha!" Chad-Batman laughed, evilly. "All these years pretending to be a force for good was just me trying to get people to trust me so I could rape and murder them! You all will suffer. Suffer at the hands of me, Batman! Caped crusader for all that is impure and evil!"
Batman shot Scarecrow a death-glare. "I object to this part too. And what was that about the characters not being the actual Batman and Robin?"
"And I said, no where in the script does is it that they are. If the audience draws that conclusion, that isn't my fault." Scarecrow replied.
"Yeah, well, I'm not gonna stand for this," Batman whispered. He turned to Robin. "I've got an idea."
After Scarecrow called 'cut', Batman and Robin called over Chad-Batman and Wiley-Robin to set their plan into motion.
"So what did you guys want to talk to us about," Wiley-Robin asked as he and Chad-Batman walked towards the witness-free part of the set that Batman had wanted to meet them at.
"Okay, Robin, on the count of three. One, two, three-"
Batman quickly tied them up with the rope from his belt, while Robin covered their mouths with duck tape. They then, dragged the two of them into one of the classrooms and shut the door. When that was done they ran back to the set and took Chad and Wiley's places.
"It's about time, you two got back here," Scarecrow said, "We've got all the fake blood ready so let's get to the grand finale." The Scarecrow looked at the two girls filming the last scene and yelled 'Action' through his bullhorn.
"Would you put that fucking camera down! We're about to die!" one of the actresses screamed.
"No! I'm going to keep filming until the bitter end. Because the world needs to know what happened!" the other one shouted.
"Oh please have mercy on us, Batman and Robin. Please mend your evil, evil ways!" The first one cried.
Batman dramatically stalked toward them and then smiled. "Why of course we will," he exclaimed. "You see, that other Batman and Robin that were trying to kill you weren't the real us at all. They were imposters! Robin and I would never treat innocent people like this."
"What!" Scarecrow shouted, flipping through his script. "I don't remember writing that."
Batman then turned and looked directly into the camera. "Listen everybody, horror movies treat it lightly, but death and pain and misery are all a very serious matter. It's okay if you want to escape the world for two hours, but when you get back into the real world, remember to treat each other right. And to take care of those in need."
"Wait a minute," Scarecrow realized, "that's not Chad's voice at all. You're the real Batman! Well nice try, but were just gonna shoot the scene again the way it was originally written."
"Actually, we can't," the actress with the camera said. "The batteries dead."
"So? We'll just buy another one."
"Actually," Gretchen began "We're all out of money, we can't even afford the wrap party."
"Oh no!" Scarecrow said, "Not the wrap party. We were gonna have it at the karaoke bar down the street. I made a reservation and everything," he said, sadly.
"Sorry, Jonathan."
Batman smiled, smugly. "Well, our job is done here, Robin."
"So, who are we gonna go visit next, Batman?"
"I guess Mad Hatter is our next stop. I have a theory that his mind control technology might have something to do with what we've been investigating."
"Maybe."
Robin sighed wistfully. "I still wish I could see how this movie is gonna turn out."
One Year Later
"I can't believe they actually released this movie after all," Tim said, munching on his popcorn in the darkened theater.
"They apparently weren't going to," Bruce, who was sitting next to him, said. "But it was getting a lot of publicity for all it's, uh, 'so bad it's good' qualities. Critics are saying that it's like the horror movie version of 'The Room'," Bruce said, cringing at yet another badly acted, badly written, nonsensical scene as it played on the screen in front of them.
"Hey Bruce," Tim whispered to him, "Your big scene is coming up."
The real Batman and Robin suddenly appeared on the screen, menacing towards two frightened girls.
"Oh please have mercy on us, Batman and Robin. Please mend your evil, evil ways!"
"Here it comes," Tim whispered.
The Batman on the screen smiled and opened his mouth to speak, when the screen paused.
"We have to go now. Our planet needs us," a voice that was distinctly not Batman's, said over his unmoving mouth.
The Batman and Robin on screen were awkwardly lifted out of the frame by what looked like the worlds worst CGI and the next thing that appeared on screen was a crudely drawn note stating 'Batman and Robin died on the way back to their home planet'.
"What the hell was that!" an outraged Bruce shouted. "How could they do that?"
"Yeah," said the guy sitting in from of them. "They totally stole that from The Simpsons!"
"Wow, Batman and Robin came from another planet?" someone else said.
Tim shrugged. "Well, at least we got to be in a movie."