Chapter 4: They Were Kids That I Once Knew (formerly Questions, Answers, and Confessions)

"What are you doing here?" Ren demands an answer from Hao, who is still holding onto my door knob, making sure the door stays open.

"I just stopped by to see how Pirika was doing after her adventure with sake last night. It's what friends do." Hao was enjoying Ren's agonizing confusion.

"Friends?" Ren was skeptical, spitting out the word in disbelief.

"Is it so hard to believe that Pirika and I have grown close enough to consider each other friends?" Hao's question was so obvious, it was almost rhetorical.

"Yes!" Cried the puzzled shaman after having to process what Hao had just said.

Hao laughed in Ren's face and patted him on the shoulder as walked out the door.

"Bye!" Hao kept walking down the hallway, disappearing into the daylight.

That smug bastard.

"What was he doing here?" Ren asks me as he walks in and lets Men down gently. He places the diaper bag next to my door frame.

"Exactly what he said." I shrug my shoulders.

"You're serious?" Ren shuts my door behind him after checking to see that Hao had really gone.

"Like a heart attack." Heart attacks are very serious.

I bend down to Men's level and smile at him. Smiling at children is essential for gaining their trust. They must see you as a friend. And all be damned if I don't make Men my friend.

"Hello, Men." I say in a friendly tone. My lips curl into a natural smile.

Men does nothing except stare at me with his giant red eyes. They're kind of creepy.

"Men, she said 'Hello'." Ren's voice is firm. The small child grabs onto his father's pant leg and looks down. After a second, he looks up at me,

"Hi…" His voice is low.

"My name is Pirika. It's nice to meet you." My tone is cheery. This kid better warm up to me, I'm really trying.

"Hi…" he says again.

"He's a little shy." Ren pats the top of his son's head. "It's okay, she's bà's friend." Ren's voice changes to an encouraging tone.

"How are you today?" I try again. PLEASE LIKE ME, CHILD. Men looks at his father for reassurance. Ren nods and smiles at the boy. Fatherhood has really changed him.

"Tired." Men admits.

"He was up late past his bedtime last night and woke up early this morning." Ren needlessly explains. Kids are often tired. Toddlers consume a lot of energy because their bodies and brain are still growing.

"Would you like to take a nap?" I ask him with all sincerity. I know I would.

The little boy nods and rubs his eye with his free hand.

"You can take a nap on my bed. You can even use my very special blanket," I lean in close and lower my voice, "I made it myself."

The child nods, keeping direct eye contact with me at all times. His eyes are large and red like his mother's. Another feature he shares with his mother is his wavy, silver-blue hair. His nose and mouth belong to Ren. Ren styles Men's hair in a similar fashion to his own when he was younger. There is no doubt that this kid has won the genetic lottery.

I stretch out my hand for Men to take. He does nothing.

"You can go with her." Ren reassures him. It's a good thing this kid's parents never have to worry about Stranger Danger. Men looks up at his dad and demands,

"Airplane!"

"Not right now." Ren looks a little embarrassed.

"Airplane!" the boy cries again. Ren sighs and picks his son up by the armpits. He makes engine noises while swinging Men around, up and down, and side to side all the way to my bed.

There, Ren makes a screeching noise and pretends that Men the Airplane has to crash-land on my bed. The child giggles wildly as his father gently, but firmly, plops him down on my mattress.

"I'm going to take your shoes off." Ren tells his son in the same voice he told me last night.

Holy shit, I've lived this scene before.

He takes Men's shoes off carefully and places them on the floor.

I take the throw off my couch and cover Men with it. It was something I made when I first arrived in Tokyo, trying to distract me from feeling displaced. The blanket, of course, has traditional Ainu motifs in black and blue.

Both of us start taking my pillows and placing them on the edges of the bed so Men doesn't roll off in his sleep. We work in unison, as if we've been doing this together for years. I never thought myself as maternal, but I guess I have it in me after all.

Men falls asleep almost immediately. Poor little guy really was tired.

Ren and I migrate to my couch to not disturb the sleeping boy after Ren declines my offer to make him breakfast.

"Can I ask you a question?" Ren interrupts the comfortable silence between us and moves a little closer to me.

"Of course." I say in a low voice, to not wake his child. I'm curious as to what he'll ask me. How have I been doing? Do I think of him? Why did I let him bring me home and then bring his child into my apartment after eight years of not speaking to each other?

"Are you and Hao really friends?" Ren looks genuinely bewildered. I am very amused.

"Yes!" I nod my head. This answer does not seem to satisfy him, as I see him scrunch his face trying to fathom how that could have possibly happened. "We're quite good friends, too." He arches his eyebrow. "I don't know how it happened. It just did." I add trying to ease his mind.

"Alright." Ren crossed his arms and sighed. What is going on in his head?

"Can I ask you a question?" I counter.

"It is only fair." He leans in.

"Are you still in love with Horohoro?" I ask him while looking him straight in the eyes. No beating around the bush. No stammering. No bullshit. I want answers and I want them now.

Ren blushes and pulls away from my Personal Space Bubble. He swallows guiltily. His eyes widen. He opens his mouth to speak a few times but nothing comes out except for heavy, insecure breathy noises. He begins to stammer,

"H-how did you - I ... you knew!?"

"Of course I knew! Everyone knew!" I can't help but to make upward gestures with my hands and raise my voice a little.

"Everyone?" Ren looks concerned.

"Everyone except for Onii-chan." My voice is back to normal.

"How?" He looks a bit relieved, but is still visibly shaken.

"I had my suspicions, but they were confirmed after the night we spent together." I look down at my hands. The words I speak are loaded with memories that I have tried to suppress.

"How?!" Ren's voice sounds pained and desperate.

"I saw how you reacted seeing him come out of Tamao's room in the morning. You looked betrayed - like you were about to cry. And you were in a bad mood for the rest of the day. Before that, I noticed the way you looked at him and spoke to him. You were overtly aggressive to him because you were in denial about your feelings, weren't you?"

Ren stayed silent and stared into the television screen, ignoring the cooking show that was providing us with soft background noise.

"You never answered my question; are you still in love with Horohoro?" I say barely loud enough for him to hear me.

"No." The answer came in a soft tone after a few seconds.

"You know, in that moment that I saw you that morning, I knew you had come to our room looking for him, not me."

Ren looked at me with an expression of guilt and sorrow.

"Did you use me?" This was the question that I had been waiting eight years to ask. Did he use me to prove his heterosexuality to himself? Did he use me to get back at Horo for not being there for him when he needed him? Did he use me as a sex toy because I was conveniently available and alone in a hotel room for the night? Did he use me as Horo's replacement for the night? I need to know.

"It's true that I was looking for Horohoro that night," he pauses and looks at me, "but it was never my intention for things to go as far as they did."

"Do you regret sleeping with me?" Another question that slowly strangles my soul as it exits my mouth.

"I do not." In a flash, his eyes grow wide and the concern on his face deepens, "Do you?"

"No," I admit, "but I feel stupid for thinking that you could have been interested in me."

"Pirika," Ren sighs, "I was a confused boy looking for answers. I went to find Horohoro, but when you told me that he was out for the night - I, I didn't want to be alone. I felt that I could confide in you and that you could comfort me since Horohoro was always on about how you listen well and only ask necessary questions." He doesn't break his gaze as he explains himself. "That night, I was looking for someone to show me that I can be loved, and you did just that. I'm glad it was you."

His words don't sound like rehearsed lies. The sincerity in his voice almost makes me cry with joy. I have been agonizing about this for almost a decade. Somehow, I don't feel entirely relieved.

I have never seen this side of the Great Tao Ren before. Maybe it's because he's older or maybe marriage and fatherhood softened him, but this is new and unexpected. I like it, but I find it very strange that he can be so open about his emotions. He learned to open up, while I retaliated by closing myself off.

"Did I make you feel used?" Ren asks me, somewhat hesitant.

"Yes…" I look down at my hands again. He takes my hand closest to him and holds it gently,

"I am very sorry." Tao Ren is sorry? Tao Ren is apologizing to me? Tao Ren? The boy who was raised as a murderer? Then again, that very same Tao Ren was once a husband and is now a loving father. Things change. People change. Get a grip, Pirika.

Not knowing what to say, I pat his hand and press my lips together into a weary smile. It's too late for apologies. The damage had happened the moment he left without even saying goodbye.

He didn't even look at me the morning after. It wrecked me.

A heaviness grew within me.

I became insecure and tried to build up my self esteem by seducing and sleeping with as many people as I could. I figured that if I was able to easily be wanted by others, I was worth something. Anything. But the empty sex left me unsatisfied and undone. I feel broken and unfixable. I no longer find pleasure in my ability to seduce anyone I want - or in sex, for that matter. He did this to me. At least, he made me do this to myself. Or maybe it was just me, allowing my insecurities to consume what was left of my innocence.

"I loved you, you know." I told him without looking at him.

This is a big step for me. I've not told anyone. The only reason Hao knows is because he can read minds. Sneaky bastard.

Ren stares at me with a blank expression. His mouth opens, but no words come out.

"When we were kids." I add this unnecessary clarification. "I fell in love with your unstable ass during the Shaman Fight, so when you came to my room that night, I was hoping things would go in the direction they did."

"How do you feel about me now?" He asks me with no emotion in his voice.

"I still like you. But, I think I'm in love with your memory. Eight years is a long time; you could be a completely different person now. You should be. Also, I don't think it's healthy that I think about you as often as I do."

"So, what happened last night was…?"

"Me trying to hold on to a memory." I surprise myself with what I say. I realize that I'm silly for wanting more. I know it is absurd to carry a torch for so long. For all I know, we're completely incompatible.

"How did it make you feel?" His questions confuses me. Not because I don't understand feelings, but because I don't know how it made me feel. I. Just. Feel.

"I was pretty drunk," I turn to him smirking, "so, I was feeling a lot of things."

"Allow me to rephrase the question: did it feel right to you?"

"Well, it didn't feel wrong."

Unsatisfied with my answer, Ren moves closer to me. He places his hand gently under my chin, lifts it and kisses me.

Author's Note:

I Changed the title from "Questions, Answers, and Confessions" to "They Were Kids That I Once Knew". (09/25/17)

I promised this chapter would be longer, but I guess it wasn't by much ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I hope no one is weirded out by what just happened. My headcanon is that Ren is a biromantic demisexual. I mean, look at him. Also, I want to clarify that I'm not into incest and am not trying to make this fic go in that direction.

S/O to ShatteredLyre for changing my life back in the day with The Heavy Hearts Brigade on FFN. This chapter was very much inspired by you.

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poketat: Thank you always for your kind words! I plan to publish a new chapter once a week so I can get it done by the time school starts.