Sigrid slept and woke refreshed, for the first time in she didn't know how long. The large bed was certainly the most comfortable she'd ever slept in, but she suspected her peaceful sleep may have had less to do with physical comfort and more to do with her memory of Fili's warm hand clasping hers and his low, measured voice calming her fears. She freshened up with the basin and pitcher of water on the washstand, dressed in riding breeches, and headed downstairs to the kitchens.
She had thought to check in with the kitchen about the next shipment of provisions from Dale, but the staff there already had everything in hand, and there seemed little left for her to do. Fili found her breakfasting in the West Hall and slid into the bench beside her.
"Good morning, Sigrid. How did you sleep?"
"Really well, thank you," she admitted.
"Good. If you've not changed your mind, I've pilfered us a picnic from the kitchens, and I've got ponies saddled and waiting at the stables. I've spoken to Tauriel and Kili, they are taking Tilda out for a riding lesson, most likely involving dangerous weapons if I know them, and later Balin's organised her a tour of the toy workshop. Everything's taken care of here." He angled her the half-beseeching, half-teasing look she remembered from the parapet last night. "Will you come?"
Sigrid slowly shook her head at him. His face fell. "How have you managed to do all that this morning? I'm only halfway through breakfast."
His grin returned immediately. "I asked people for help, Sigrid. And I'm taking that for a 'yes.'"
They set off mid-morning and headed south-east through the recently-harvested fields around Dale. A year on, the land beyond the fields was still displaying the effects of the desolation of the dragon, with the burnt trunks of trees standing starkly against the sky, but on the ground new shoots of grass and wildflowers had taken hold during the spring, and now in late autumn there were still dandelions and daisies to be found peeping through the grass, some late yarrow still flowering, and great clumps of gorse and heather regenerating here and there. Fili chatted lightly about his life on the road with Kili before the quest for the Mountain, interrupting himself from time to time when he spotted a hawk or a deer, to point it out to Sigrid. They rode until lunchtime, by which time they had left the area of desolation and had come to a rolling plain, well-grassed and dotted with late wildflowers, bushes and the occasional flourishing tree.
They laid out their picnic on a low rise where they could look back towards the Mountain, and unsaddled their ponies and tethered them loosely to let them graze. The kitchen staff had outdone themselves in preparing lunch, packing various choices of pies, sandwiches, cakes and fruit, with a skin each of water and wine to drink. Fili lounged on the grass, telling Sigrid tales about the dwarves' trip from the Shire to Erebor.
"What was the best part?" she asked.
"Rivendell," he replied, pulling a knife out of one of his boots and cutting himself a piece of fruit. "Feasting, music, talking, sitting, whatever you liked best. We stayed two weeks there."
"And the worst part?" she asked tentatively.
"Beorn's hall," he replied. Sigrid looked surprised, as he had intended. "Only time I've ever had a tankard as big as my forearm, and what do you think Beorn filled it with? Milk."
Sigrid stared at Fili a moment, then burst out laughing, and threw the crust of her sandwich at him. He fended it off and took a moment to enjoy the happiness on her face, before turning his attention back to the food.
"You ride well, Sigrid," Fili remarked as he picked out his sixth pie.
Sigrid swallowed a bite of cake and took a sip of wine. "I ride around the farmlets whenever we get a new family of settlers, to welcome them and make sure they have everything they need. With so many families wanting to get settled before winter, I've been spending a lot of time in the saddle lately."
Fili sat up and looked at her. "It doesn't sound like there is anything going on in Dale that you aren't doing yourself. Why do you take on so much, Sigrid? I appreciate you want to look after your people, but you won't help them if you collapse from exhaustion."
Sigrid was silent and took another sip of wine. Fili mentally kicked himself for spoiling her happy mood.
"I'm sorry, forgive me…" he started.
She took a deep breath and downed the last of her wine. "No, you're right. I do take on a lot, probably too much. But it's better that way."
"Why, Sigrid?" he asked gently. "Tell me."
She rubbed a hand across her forehead. "Since that night in Laketown… Fili, you were there, you know what it was like. The memories of it are still so vivid for me. The fire, the orcs… if I keep myself busy, I don't think about it as much. And then at night, I think maybe I'll sleep."
Suddenly Fili understood. "So you drown yourself in work," he said, reaching out and laying a hand on her cheek. As soon as he realised what he'd done, he pulled his hand away, fearing he had overstepped himself. "And does it help?"
Sigrid frowned. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, when you choke down these memories, do they actually go away? I fear they'll keep on reappearing. Have you never tried talking about it?"
She looked at him. "You're the first person I've ever spoken to about it."
Fili's brow furrowed in concern. "Not even your Da?"
"He went through much worse than I did, Fili." Sigrid looked down and twisted her hands in her lap. "There were others again who lost their lives. It seemed silly to make a big deal of it when other people had been through so much worse."
Fili nodded. "So you kept silent." He took her hand. "Sigrid, you can't go on like this."
Sigrid sighed, and looked into his eyes bleakly. "I don't know what else to do."
This time he didn't hesitate to gather her up in his arms. He drew her close and lay down on the blanket with his arm around her and her head on his shoulder.
"Here, Sigrid, we'll think of something," he said. "You can't go on like this, that's plain. We'll think of something."
They lay silent for a while, Fili idly stroking her hair, before he realised that she had fallen asleep.
She woke startled, sitting bolt upright. Fili was beside her, and he reached out to her in concern.
"Sigrid, love, it's all right. You fell asleep," he murmured. She relaxed immediately and rubbed her face.
"I fell asleep? I'm all right, I just didn't know where I was for a minute." She looked to the west where the sun was low in the sky. "We ought to be getting back. How long have I been asleep?"
"About two hours," he said. "You're catching up on some of the rest you've needed these past months." He grinned. "At least I hope it's that, and not me."
She smiled at him. "It's not you, Fili, believe me. Some company I am, falling asleep on you. I'm so sorry."
He brushed a strand of hair back from her face. "A beautiful woman falls asleep in my arms? I don't think that's anything to feel sorry about." His compliment caused a delicate rosy glow to suffuse her cheeks, and he was inordinately pleased to see that he was able to provoke such a reaction in her. "Listen, Sigrid, I know that was hard for you to talk about, earlier on. I wanted you to have a good day."
Sigrid smiled into his eyes. "Fili, I have had a good day. It's been perfect." She suddenly paused, looked down, and shrugged ruefully. "Well, almost perfect."
Fili nodded gravely. "I know, I shouldn't have pushed you to talk about it. I'm sorry."
Sigrid looked at him. "Don't be sorry. You don't know what it means to me to have… someone… understand. But that's not what I mean." She paused, looking at his face. Then Fili felt her hand slide into his hair and she leaned in to gently press her lips to his. She withdrew slowly, and looked again into his eyes. "There. Now it's perfect."
Fili gazed at her, his body frozen. He slowly let go the breath he had been holding. "Now I really don't want to go back."
Sigrid laughed and looked fairly pleased with herself. "We can always come back tomorrow."
"Now is better," he said, and he drew her close and kissed her, gently and slowly, savouring the feel of her in his arms, the scent of her skin and the faint taste of sweet wine and honey cakes on her tongue.
They broke the kiss reluctantly, knowing that they had to pack up and head home. But before she left the circle of Fili's arms, Sigrid spoke.
"Fili, about tomorrow."
"You're spending it with me, I hope."
"Well, I hope so too, when you hear what I have to say. I'm going to Laketown."
Fili was surprised. "Sigrid, love, are you sure?"
She nodded. "Yes, I'm sure. You're right, I can't go on trying to ignore my fears. I need to go to there and face them. And when I'm with you, I don't feel afraid of anything."
He brushed a strand of hair back from her face. "Ah, Sigrid, I don't have the power to banish your fears. I wish I did."
"You don't think so? Fili, last night you convinced me to sit with you on the edge of a forty foot sheer drop."
He grinned. "No, I just held out my hand. You were the one who decided to walk towards me." Then his face fell and his eyes were full of concern. "What if it makes things worse?"
"Things can't get any worse. Listen to me. I want to do this before I lose my nerve. I'm going, I'm going tomorrow, and the only thing left to decide is if you are coming with me." Sigrid pulled in a huge breath, then exhaled. "And I can do it alone, but I'd really rather you came."
Fili smiled and shook his head at her. "You're as stubborn as any dwarf in Erebor."
Sigrid smiled. "I'll take that for a 'yes.'"