"There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them."
-Denis Waitley
As if suddenly realizing that I was soaked through and through, Edward moved in that supernatural way of his as he carried me to a place where he and I had talked on many occasions when sudden showers would hit us unexpectedly. There was an indention in the surface rocks that wasn't really deep enough to be called a cave, but deeper than just an outcropping of rock that had often sheltered us from the heavy rains when we first started talking to one another after I told Edward that I knew what he was. From then on, it was as if this meadow was ours and every place in it was special in one way or another. This particular place was large enough for the two of us to comfortably sit inside and watch the rain fall outside. It was here that our conversation continued.
Once Edward had put me down and then took up the space next to me he looked at me and shook his head. "Bella you're soaked. You could get sick and then where will you be? Charlie will get upset and with good reason."
I cut him off as he was about to continue, "Edward, I'm healthy as a horse and I rarely get sick, but thank you for your worries. Charlie would just carry me to see old Doc Grundy if I do so don't worry about it, okay? I'll be fine."
"But Bella…" he was about to start again.
"Edward, let it go. I'm not your concern anymore." Then I saw the pain in his eyes. I hadn't intended for it to sound as it had I guess, but it was true. I wasn't his concern any longer. He had chose to leave and though we were talking about things he had still never said that he intended for us to get back together and like I had thought earlier, there was no way I was going to beg. Bella Swan was tired of making a fool of herself for the smart cool boy that wasn't interested. Yet, I had to admit, I was still intently curious as to just why he had left me in the first place. Looking at him I put the question to him directly so there would be no more misunderstandings or vague innuendo about it. "Edward, why did you have to leave this time? You said you had your reasons, and that you didn't want me to dwell on them and that you believed that they were accurate. You also said you hoped that I wouldn't hate you."
His eyes were locked on me as I spoke to him, but with every precise repeated word from his letter I saw him almost physically flinch. I didn't mean to hurt him by asking, but I had to know. There had been some reason why he had followed me and he would either tell me or keep it to himself. There would be no hope of us moving forward in any aspect if he didn't fess up on some level and he knew I meant that.
Edward looked at me once more and with a heavy sigh he ran his hand through his now rain slicked long hair. I wasn't used to seeing it like that, well, long anyway. As I was about to say something he took my hands into his cold ones and then spoke, "You know, like I said, I really don't know where to begin. You will probably hate me regardless of what my reasons are or rather were, and Bella I can't tell you where I want things to go. I'm confused now more than I ever was before. I just know that I can't live without you." That odd expression that I recognized all too well crossed his features and then it started making sense to me.
Again before I could say something stupid he forged onward but this time with an almost eerie sounding laugh. There was definitely no real humor in it though. "Bella as much as I hate to admit it, I fully and honestly know now how you felt about Jacob. You once told me that though you were just friends and that you loved me, you loved him too and really couldn't be happy without him in your life. Well, you see, there is someone else in my life that I feel the same way about, but right now, I'm not sure who I love more in the romantic sense. Yes, Bella, when I left, I thought there was someone else that I loved as much as you, maybe more." There was a long pause as he turned his head away and then finished, "Now, I just don't know…"
He looked at me with a certain fear in his eyes that I had never known Edward Cullen to possess. Fear and Edward were not synonymous. It was rather a disheartening sight that stirred a very real feeling within me. A feeling that also left me yet with still more questions than answers. Drawing one of my hands from his I cupped his cheek and then brushed a stray wet lock from his brow and said, "You love someone else?" The word 'who' tried to form on my lips and no matter how many times my brain fired that particular question my mouth would not or could not utter the one syllable in order to ask. "What happened, Ed?" If he was uncertain now, something must have happened and I wanted, no needed, to know what that was. I didn't want to be second fiddle, but too I wanted to understand. In many ways I already did, but in my case, I had never really loved Jacob like Edward apparently loves this other person. That was the distinct difference, least I thought it was.