Chapter 4-Nightmares
"Even if she be not harmed, her heart may fail her in so much and so many horrors; and hereafter she may suffer-both in waking, from her nerves, and in sleep, from her dreams."-Bram Stoker.
Liara lay on the bed next to Cassandra. The bed had barely enough room for both of them, but Liara was able to snuggle herself onto the bed without risking a fall. She slept on her side, one hand resting on Cassandra's stomach, the other still holding her hand. She fell asleep, listening to Cassandra's breathing. Samara stood outside the room, keeping an alert guard.
Liara was shaken out of her slumber. Cassandra's body was trembling and sweaty. Her entire body was convulsing and shaking violently. So much that the bed itself was shaking. Liara was thrown off the bed and landed on the hard ground. The pain in her ribs re-awakened but she ignored it. Samara looked on, concerned and alarmed. Liara crawled back onto the bed. Cassandra was whimpering, there weren't exactly words coming out of her mouth, but to Liara it soundly like she was saying "No! No! No!" When they'd slept together their sleep was often interrupted by Cassandra's nightmares. Goddess, even in a coma she's having nightmares. But never had she seen such a violent reaction in her. Liara crawled up near Cassandra's burnt but healing ear and cradled her face in her hands.
"Cassandra, it's Liara. I'm here. You don't have to be afraid anymore. Come towards my voice. Walk towards me. I'm here forever as long as you need me and beyond."
She repeated this mantra several times. Cassandra's whimpering stopped, her breathing normalized, and her shaking until she was finally resting motionless. Liara kissed Cassandra's burnt forehead. "Goodnight, my love. I shall be here when you wake." Liara scarcely noticed it, and for a moment she thought she imagined it, but her hand felt the lightest and briefest of squeezes.
Liara awoke some hours later though Samara was still standing guard. She gave Cassandra's hand another squeeze before reluctantly standing up. "I'm going out for breakfast. I'll be back soon."
"Can I get you anything Samara?"
"No thank you. I shall eat when my shift is over shortly. I am glad you were able to stop her night tremors. Try as I might, I was powerless to alleviate them. "
Liara followed the signs towards the cafeteria. As she did the hallways became louder, busier. She passed people, most were physicians or nurses. There were patients lining the hallways, some sitting down on the floor, others lying on stretchers. They looked up at her with vacant, pleading eyes. Many had stumps where their limbs had once been, others had their limbs wrapped in clumsy casts and makeshift splints. The hallways reeked of blood, burnt flesh and a pungent smell that reminded her of cheese. It reminded her of the Medical Bay of the Normandy, only much, much worse. It never seemed to the end. She couldn't escape it.
At last, she made it the cafeteria. It was only modestly populated at this early hour of the morning. Liara grabbed whatever food seemed edible, they didn't have Asari food. She grabbed something called bacon & eggs, one of Cassandra's favorite breakfast meals. She noted the day's lunch menu mentioned Lasagna, a dish Cassandra had often promised to prepare for her some day. Something about having an Italian grandmother.
She looked for a place to sit down when she saw a familiar face. "Jack?" She called out. Jack turned at the sound of her voice. She frowned, struggling to remember her face. She looked much the same as she had when they'd met at Grissom Academy. Her hair was a bit longer and there was something different in her eyes, Liara couldn't place it. Her posture was more relaxed, less hostile.
"Oh, I remember you now! The Commander's girl. Have a seat." Liara sat down in front of her. "What are you doing here?"
Liara discreetly lowered her voice. "Cass..., Commander Shepard's here."
Jack's eyes threatened to burst out of their sockets. "Really? She's here? Why the fuck didn't anyone tell me. Goddamn Alliance stiffs!" Jack lowered her voice seeing Liara's exasperated expression.
"How is she?"
"She's in a coma, but she's getting better."
"Coma? You sure she's getting better?"
Liara nodded firmly.
"Fuck, I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for that woman. Can I see her after breakies?"
Liara nodded. "She's in a secret area, Zaeed and Samara are standing guard."
Jack raised her eyebrows. "Damn, we can almost have a full blown Normandy reunion going on."
"Why? Who else is here?"
"Remember Kelly Chambers? She's here in the psych ward. She's massively fucked up apparently. I saw her when she got pulled out of that cocoon on the Collector base, she was freaking the fuck out. It's a fucking shame, a bubbly girl like that get's turned into such a mess. I can relate."
"Why are you here?" Liara asked, eager for a change in subject.
"A couple of my kids are here. One of them, Wierzbowsky, died last night. Got shredded by one of those fucking Banshees when his position got overrun. That's 10 of my kids I've lost in this fucking war!" She slammed her fist on the table, causing her plate to jump a few inches in the air, and shook her head. "Fucking Reapers! Fucking Cerberus cunts!" A few turned to look in their direction. Jack didn't notice, being the centre of attention was hardly a new occurrence. She picked at her food and sighed.
"I'm not hungry anymore. I'm ready to go when you are." Liara ate quickly, not truly enjoying her breakfast. Maybe it was the synthetic ingredients. Even Asari military rations couldn't compare with the genuine article. Or perhaps it was simply eagerness to be with Cassandra again.
"Well if it isn't Miss Universe. How are you, sweetheart?" Zaeed greeted them. Samara having retired for the day.
"Can it, fuck face!" Jack retorted. Zaeed chuckled.
Liara let Jack go in ahead of her. Jack's body became rigid and stiff. She paced rapidly in the room, staring at Shepard's sleeping body. Her eyes were wide open with horror.
"Holy fuck! She's alive? Fuck, if she's getting better I'd hate to see what she looked like before!"
"The nurse that came in this morning said her skin's healed more. It's those Cerberus implants. The dog's bollocks those are. I should've gotten one for my eye when I had the chance. " Zaeed said.
Jack didn't hear him, continuing to pace in the room. Her breathing was rapid and shallow. Her arms jerked up and down. It seemed to Liara she was panicking, unsure just how to react. Torn between her instinctive reflex to anger and aggression and the better angels of her nature she'd cultivated in the past year. She stood at the head of the bed and leaned downward.
"Shepard? You hear me? You better fucking wake up you bitch!" Her voice was strained, almost breaking, torn between familiar anger something unfamiliar and uncomfortable.
"After all we've been through, you have to wake up!" Jack put her hands on Shepard's shoulders and shook her. Liara reached for Jack to stop her but Jack pushed her off.
"Don't you fucking go soft on me! Wake up! Damnit! Wake the fuck up! If you don't wake up I'm gonna... gonna...I'm gonna kick your ass!" Jack slapped Shepard's charred face and ran out the room. It sounded like she was crying.
Liara took a washcloth and soaked it in a nearby sink. She came to Shepard's side and gently rubbed where Jack had slapped her. She started rubbing the wash cloth on Cassandra's hands. She imagined Cassandra would like this very much.
"Jack didn't mean to hurt you, Cassandra. You know how she is. I'm back now. I had bacon and eggs for breakfast. It didn't taste too good but it's probably because it's rations. I can't wait for you to wake up and you can cook me some of this Italian food you've told me so much about..."
Liara stayed in Cassandra's Shepard's room for several hours until she felt hungry and left for lunch. She ate her lasagna alone and enjoyed it but it was rather dry in texture. She couldn't wait to taste real lasagna. She'd chatted briefly with Ashley over the Omni-Tool, she was being asked to move her equipment off the Normandy before it set off again in a few days. She'd spoken with Feron who was holding the fort but didn't have anything interesting to report otherwise. There wasn't enough room in Shepard's room to store her Shadow Broker gear but there was another closet next to Shepard's room that could house her stuff, if they moved things around. No doubt Zaeed would be pleased to assist.
Liara walked out of the cafeteria after her meal and decided to take a detour. As much as she loved being with Cassandra, helping her, talking to her, she was going a bit stir crazy. A little walk would do some good. She walked down random corridors, trying to ignore the unpleasant sights, sounds and smells that surrounded her. The wounded and doctors were of all species, Turian, Asari, Salarian, Human, even a couple of Batarians. This ship was not the place to take a pleasure walk. She came at last to a locked door labelled "Psychiatry." Wasn't Kelly Chambers here? Maybe Liara could visit her, lift her spirits.
Opening the door she went straight to a reception desk. She saw many nurses armed with tranquilizer pistols. The Psychiatry wing was different. The walls and floor were the same antiseptic white colour but it was clean, too clean. The walls were completely unadorned, no paintings or pictures, not even hand railings. There was absolutely no glass, windows or mirrors anywhere. There were no maintenance closets, every room was occupied by patients. Security cameras were ubiquitous. There was a common room with sofas, soothing classical music was beaming through the speakers. She approached the desk.
"I'd like see Kelly Chambers." She said.
The human receptionist looked up. "I'm sorry, we don't seem to have anyone under that name."
"Try Felicia Hannigan."
"Ah yes, she is here. Do you have an appointment?"
"No."
The receptionist used her computer terminal. "I'm going to send you a list of instructions to your Omni-Tool. These have to be followed to the letter. Ms. Hannigan is one of our more severe cases. One of our guards will escort you to her room."
Liara followed a Salarian guard as she read through the rules.
"How many patients do you have here?" Liara asked the guard.
"We have 1245 patients at this time. Ms. Chambers is one of the 20 classified as high risk. We had 23 high risk patients yesterday."
"What happened to those? Were they discharged or downgraded?"
"No. They evaded our security protocols and attempted to take their own lives and succeeded." The Salarian said dryly. Liara finished reading the rules and looked around and some of the patients. Some were loitering freely, others were in their rooms. Those who loitered walked slowly. Most avoided looking at her, those that did seemed to see right through her, like she wasn't there. She saw looks of despair and madness. They were all dressed in white fatigues. The clothes were featureless, lacking pockets, buttons, belts, even collars.
There was a commotion in a room ahead. A half dozen nurses rushing in a room to subdue a patient. It sounded like a vicious brawl was unfolding. She heard shouted orders to hold the patient down and sedate him. But the loudest screams belonged to the deranged patient. "I CAN HEAR THEM SCREAMING! MAKE IT STOP! THE DAMN SCREAMING! MAKE IT STOP! OH CHRIST THE SCREAMING!"
"This is her room." The Salarian said, pointing to a nearby locked door. "As per regulations I must remain within sight and earshot. Please be assured that I have taken an oath of confidentiality regarding all discussions. I may be obliged to break said confidentiality if any threats to person manifest themselves."
"Understood. Please, open the door."
The Salarian activated his Omni-Tool and the door unlocked. Liara gasped when she saw Kelly, standing idly. She hardly recognized her. Her hair was ghostly white, stringy and unkempt. Her face pale as her hair. Her green eyes seemed to have been drained of her colour, black circles surrounded her colourless irises. Those ashen eyes gazed upon Liara with a blank expression.
"Liara T'soni?" She said. Her voice was weak, hoarse.
"Goddess..." Liara said under her breath. She cleared her throat. "Yes, it's me."
"Nice to see you, I guess." Kelly's lips twitched oddly, as if she were trying to form a smile. After a few moments the twitching stopped. Kelly waved Liara forward. Liara stepped into her Spartan room. Her room was empty, featuring only a sheet-less bed and a waterless toilet. It was 6 feet wide and maybe a dozen in length. A camera was mounted in the upper corner of the room and a vid screen was mounted at the foot of the bed. The vid screen had a kinetic barrier raised in front of it.
"Like my room?" Kelly asked.
"It's... nice." Liara said unevenly. She noticed a strange scar along Kelly's neck.
"It's not as nice as my old room but they had to move me."
"Why?"
Kelly pointed the scar along her neck. "That one and these ones, too." She rolled up her sleeves and displayed her arms filled with countless lacerations and contusions. Liara shivered seeing the litany of self-inflicted wounds.
"One more attempt and they give me a straight jacket. Almost sounds like a prize, huh?" She remarked dryly with another failed attempt at a smile.
"What happened?"
"Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Extreme Depressive Episode. Physician heal thyself." She said flatly.
"I mean..."
"To get me here? I already had PTSD from the Collector's... I was okay for a while, working in the Citadel. Then the Reapers came. Those cold hands came for me again." Her voice changed from a dull monotone, increasing in pitch, volume and emotion. "I went for the escape pods but I wasn't quick enough. One of those Reaper things grabbed me and knocked me out. I woke up and I was in those cocoons again... only worse. The... liquid was cold and gooey, I could feel it seeping into my body...and I could hear a voice from outside whispering in my mind. The voice was telling me how I would ascend, how I should let go of my flesh... I saw other people in cocoons like me. I saw them scream and struggle. Oh god!" Kelly started shouting and pacing around in her room. "I saw them... liquefied... I heard those people scream... And I saw those... things emerge from those cocoons ! Oh god! I kept waiting for my turn... And then, just before it seemed my turn, everything stopped. I saw a big red light... everything went quiet, cold. So cold... I thought I was going to die there... I wish I had!" She banged her head on the wall so hard it made a hole. She banged her head again. Liara and the Salarian grabbed her and pulled her away from the wall. Kelly bled from where she'd hit her head. Liara held her as she cried and trembled. The Salarian applied Medi-gel to her wound.
"I'm sorry." Liara finally said.
"Me too." Kelly said. Her trembling subsiding, looking at the Asari with sad, empty eyes. "I miss the old Kelly. I miss flirty Kelly, bubbly Kelly, dance happy Kelly... I don't think I'll ever see her again."
The two women were silent for a time, Liara gently rubbing Kelly's shoulders as her sobbing decreased.
"So, why are you here? You didn't come to see me." Kelly said.
"Well, yes and no." Liara said. "I'm here because Shepard's here."
"She's here, in the psych ward?" Kelly pulled away and looked at Liara directly. It almost sounded like hope in her voice.
"No. In a... private room."
"So she's not fucked up like me?" Her voice was flat again, but Liara detected disappointment.
"You're not... messed up." She stammered, trying to raise her spirits.
"I'm a psychologist. If I can't recognize the symptoms in myself I'm not much good."
Liara changed the subject. "Well, she's in a coma but getting better... I think she's still having nightmares."
"Yeah...I remember she had those back on...back when we were... on the Normandy. I wish Shepard was awake, so she could rescue me again. Rescue me from my nightmares. Do you think she could do that?"
"I'm sure she could." Liara said, trying to sound hopeful but knowing how childish it sounded.
"You're just saying that." Kelly looked away and down at the floor. She continued to look at the ground as she spoke. "I'm on so many drugs! And none of them can stop me from dreaming! I wish they could give you something to make the dreams stop. " She looked back at Liara, her face a pallid void. "Thanks for dropping by, Liara. I think I need to be alone again. Go back to Shepard. She loves you so much. Whenever we talked she couldn't stop gushing about you, especially after Illium and Hagalaz. It was... cute. I wish I had someone like that right now. " Kelly withdrew into her room and stared at the hole in the wall. Liara waved goodbye and left.
"Sorry about the mess." Kelly apologized. The hole was lined with wires, shards of cracked drywall. She thought it an appropriate decoration for her room. It reminded her of the hole in her soul, her former self. The Salarian came and used his Omni-Tool to patch up the hole. Kelly sighed sadly as the door closed. Alone with only her memories of torment for company.