3. I Love You, Greased Pig!
Chris sets up an obstacle course relay race with a greasy baton where Sugar and Jasmine quickly emerge to take over their respective teams. The first of many moments between Ella and Dave are shown, Samey starts to doubt making friends with her sister Amy after seeing her snap immensely at the pig, while Ella and Topher begin to get on Chris' nerves. Eventually Jasmine's leadership wins it for her team, and Leonard is deemed useless for his nonstop role-playing and is made to disappear while Chris imposes an ultimatum on Ella: if she sings again, she will be automatically disqualified.
(Team Kinosewak's treehouse)
Jasmine: (yawns) (unties rope from leg, jumps down tree)
Amy: (annoyed) What, you're going foraging without me?!
Jasmine: (annoyed) Well, somewhat like that. And I prefer if Samey came instead!
Samey: (pops out from window) Did someone call me?
Jasmine: (happy) There's the twin we know and love! Want to go foraging with me, Samey?
Samey: (happy) Sure! I'd love to!
Amy: (annoyed) Ugh! Fine! You can come.
(Confessional)
Samey: (excited) Did you see that?! Amy and I are really off to a good start! (ponders) Hmm, maybe I should find her some friends too. For some reason, she doesn't really have a lot of friends back home like I do. (proud) But that's okay since as her sister, I guarantee that she WILL get friends! Cross my heart!
(Confessional)
Amy: (annoyed) Yeeaahh, she's starting to annoy me with all the "sisterly bonding" stuff. I mean, hello! We're all in a competition! There's no time for that stuff!
(End confessional)
(Jasmine, Amy and Samey foraging)
Sky: HI-YAH! (slices berries off trees with stick, catches berries) (proud) And THAT'S how I hunt berries!
Rodney: I guess that's one way.
Sky: Yeah, well I gotta go now! Team's calling me! Cheetah speed, charge! (sprints away)
Jasmine: (happy) Hi there, Rodney! Want to join picking with us?
Rodney: (nervous) Oh, uh, hi… Jasmine. Uhh, uuuuhhh… (runs off)
Samey: (confused) I think that was a no.
Amy: (scoffs) No kidding! What a weirdo.
(Confessional)
Rodney: (nervous) You know how dating works for me? First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby as an addition to a lumberjack service which could be dangerous for fighting the supernatural! (wonders) Or maybe working at a ranch.
(Confessional)
Samey: Call it crazy but I think the awesome cowgirl Jasmine living in Australia has a thing for the weird lumberjack Rodney. Sure, they'd be SO cute together, but I'm mostly confused.
(End confessional)
(Team Maskwak's cave)
(Shawn lying on rock, Sugar watches Leonard chanting)
Sky: (holding sack) H-h-hey! Whooo's hungry?!
Sugar: (happy) YAHOO! (jumps at Sky) I could eat the leg off of a table, (pulls out fruit) only we don't have one!
Ella: (happy) Oh, Sky! As a special thank you, I'd like to sing you a song! (clears throat) (sings) The fruit Sky brought, brought joy to the-
Sugar: (shoves fruit in Ella's mouth) Eat up, Ella, you look skinny enough to run through a rainstorm without getting wet.
Dave: (walks in holding bucket of water) Got some fresh clean water from the stream. Don't want to be too dehydrated during the challenge.
Sky: (runs to confused Dave) AWESOME! So great! You are so-
Ella: (sings) The water Dave brought, brought joy to the-
Shawn: (deadpan) Thank you, but no song requirrred puh-lease.
Leonard: Yes Ella, maybe you could go sing to the other team as a sign of (wonders)… a good luck charm!
Ella: (happy) (gasps) That is a wonderful idea! (sings and skips out of cave)
Leonard and Dave: (relief) Phew!
Sky: So Dave, as I was saying-
Dave: (thankful) Nice one, Leonard. (turns to Sky) Oh, and thanks for finding this cave, Sky. If you like some help foraging tomorrow-
Sky: (excited) YEAH-YEAH! Tomorrow! You can ALWAYS forage with me, Dave! Totally!
Dave: (confused) Uh, yeah, sounds great? (turns to Shawn) (annoyed) At least some people are useful.
Shawn: (deadpan) Meh, whatever. Don't really care about all the friend stuff going on here since comfortable people may think others enjoyed their singing, but in reality, it's annoying up to eleven.
Dave: (annoyed) Could you please ease up on her? She did win us the challenge last time with that bear and saved us with it.
Sky: YEAH! She is definitely my master (to Dave) (flirtingly) and you're my king.
(Dave confused and uncomfortable)
(Team Kinosewak eating breakfast, Rodney arrives sitting down on rock)
Samey: Hey Rodney, want some berries?
(Rodney fantasizes Samey)
Samey: (confused) Uh, if you don't like berries, we did find some nuts.
(Confessional)
Rodney: (excited) Samey says "hey"? I say "hey"! All the time! (love-struck) Love is like an arrow you can't dodge and I am pierced! (worried) But breaking up with Jasmine's gonna be hard. (love-struck) But it's the right thing to do.
(End confessional)
Rodney: (looks around team) Um, is it just me, or does Samey pick way better berries than Amy?
Amy: (irritated) (crushes berries) Uuugghh!
Samey: (confused) Really? I thought for sure they're the same.
Scarlett: Perhaps you had an involuntary gustatory association with Amy and unpleasant tastes.
Topher: (laughs) Yeah, her ugly face was spoiling the moment, and Chris would love that!
Amy: (irritated) Um, I'm right here, you know!
Samey: (worried) Is something wrong, Amy?
Ella: (dances to team Kinosewak) (happy) Good morning, other team! Who would like to hear a song?
Chris: (loudspeaker) NO ONE, Ella! It's challenge time! All butts to the meeting area in five.
Topher: (serious) YEAH! You heard Chris, losers! MOVE IT! (runs off)
Chris: Welcome campers, to the oop-stacle relay race of hilarious hurts.
Topher: Great name, total props to you, Chris.
Chris: Thank you Topher. Now, each player takes on a different oop-stacle starting with (turns on screen) the greased log over a thorny bog. (changes scene) That gets you to a greasy zip line over the ravine for the next player. (changes scene) Then a quick and painful journey through the grease-stacular cue-tacular. (changes scene) Next up is the grease tires. (changes scene) And then a pass off to the greasy wheelbarrow race. (changes scene) And the last lucky player climbs a rope up the grease wall or tries to and falls, which is way funnier. (chuckles)
Dave: (disgusted) That's…a lot of grease. It's very greasy, like all of it! (worried) Greasy.
Chris: Yep! Now, I was gonna have you pass a relay baton but couldn't find any.
Topher: (excited) So what're you gonna make them use instead? (rubs hands in excitement) Oh-ho-ho, this is gonna be so good!
(Pig squealing)
Chris: You'll be using (Chef brings in pigs) greased wild PORKERS, not so much as batons as ba-cons!
Topher: (laughs) GOOD ONE, CHRIS!
Chris: Thank you, Topher. First team across the finish line, with their boar, wins! Now, decide who's on what oops-stacle, cause the race is about to start!
Rodney: (excited) Me, Jasmine, and Samey first? (Jasmine and Samey confused) Sure do! (frowns nervously) Uuh, (distressed) wait! I mean… UGH! Focus Rodney, focus! (calms down) (to Jasmine and Samey) Two hearts strong can't… (confused) Uh, I wrote a- (Amy punches Rodney) OOF!
Amy: (serious) Stop TALKING, Rodney goes first, Topher takes the zip-line, I'LL take the third, Samey on tires, Scarlett on the wheelbarrow, and the certain cowgirl takes the wall.
(Rodney fantasizes Amy)
Jasmine: Well, I resemble that remark, but that ain't a bad idea, Amy.
(Confessional)
Rodney: (love-struck) I never felt this way before about anyone. What Amy and I have is really special. (worried) (gasps) I've got three girlfriends! Which of my truest love is my true love?!
(End confessional)
Amy: Well of course it's not, (smirks) I'm always the smarter one, and you're all horrible at EVERYTHING.
Jasmine: (stern) No one is better than anyone, alright? Now let's go! Hop to it like a kangaroo on the birdie.
(Team Kinosewak rushes to designated positions)
Ella: (happy) I think SUGAR should take the last section. She does look strong enough to carry something big and cute!
Sugar: (annoyed) Well, normally, I would agree that I'm the best, but HELLO, guys! (happy) We have a real WIZARD on our team!
Dave: (clears throat) (annoyed) Guys, can we PLEASE leave fiction aside for a second? Sky is practically more experienced handling animals, she should take the last le-
Sugar: (angry) NO! Two words! WIZ! ARD!
Dave: (scared) Um, okay, then Sky can take the first?
Sugar: (serious) Only if the wizard cannot be in two places at once.
Chris: (loudspeaker) Okay, teams! Take your places!
(Team Maskwak walk to positions)
Leonard: Then it's settled! Sky goes first, (proud) I'LL take the last, and the rest of you travel companions pick a spot!
(Starting line: Sky and Rodney)
Chris: Ready... set… (air horn)
Maskwak pig: (squeals) (breaks from Sky's grip) (runs around)
Sky: (angry) HEY! (chases pig) Oh no you don't! GET BACK HERE, PREY! (jumps at pig, wrestling)
(Kinosewak pig sits down)
Rodney: (determined) For AMY! (picks up pig, runs up greased log, slipping) (panicking)
Sky: (chases pig up log) Whoa! Wait for your queen! (tries to push pig up log) Come on, come on! (pig farts in Sky's face) (Sky disgusted)
Shawn: (deadpan) (scoffs) You can't even push a pig like that? And you call yourself a jungle queen even though you can't handle one little piggy? Laaaame!
Sky: (angry) Oh, I'll show YOU WHO'S THE JUNGLE QUEEN! (pushes pig over log) (jumps on pig's back, flips off and lands on ground)
Shawn: (unimpressed) Still pretty lame, every gymnast can do that! (Sky throws pig at Shawn) Meh, whatevs. (pig runs, dragging Shawn across ground)
Rodney: (slipping on log carrying pig) Good boy! You're doing great! (pig squeals, jumps out from Rodney's clutches) (Rodney falls on log, landing on groin) (groans in pain) My biscuits!
Chris and Chef: (laughing at Rodney)
Rodney: (slides off log, landing in splits) (groans in pain)
(Confessional)
Rodney: (worried) I hope Amy didn't see that.
(End confessional)
(Rodney falls over ground, pushes pig to Topher)
Topher: So THAT'S why they call it the oop-stacle course. (chuckles) Right, Chris?
Chris: (loudspeaker) (amused) Nice one, Topher.
Shawn: (being dragged by pig) (yawns) Can't you run any faster? Oh, that's right, you pigs are all sooo fat that it's no wonder you couldn't resist overeating. (pig, offended, drags Shawn into rock) OW! (releases pig, falls off cliff) WHOA! (pig runs off cliff, leash tangled on zip line, squealing in panic) (Shawn crashes into water)
Topher: (runs to zip line) And it looks like the gorgeous Topher is learning from Shawn's mistakes. (connects buckle to zip line, rides on zip line carrying pig) (excited) Chris, I am loving this challenge! (worried) But it kind of looks like you've been up all night planning this one. Seriously.
Chris: (worried) Do I look tired? (Chef looks away, whistling awkwardly)
Sugar: (arms out) (happy) COME ON, PIG! Come to mama! (Maskwak pig crashes into Sugar)
Topher: (finishes zip line) (proud) And the awesome Topher completes his part of the challenge!
Sugar: (cuddling and cooing pig) That's right, little pretty! Who's a greasy little piggy? (giggles) (picks up pig upside down) (walks off carrying pig)
Topher: (happy) It's commercial time, Chris! Please report to the end of the zip-
Chris: (appears behind Topher) (annoyed) Already know that, Topher! (turns to audience smiling, Topher watches in excitement) It's neck and neck and it's about to get tubular! Who's got the pork chops to win? Find out right here, on Total, Drama, PAHKITEW ISLAND!
Topher: (excited) YOU ARE SO GOOD!
Chris: (proud) Yes I am.
Sugar: (cuddling pig, pig struggles to break free) (happy) Mama loves you! Yes she does, baby Lou.
(Confessional)
Sugar: Grandmother always said, "You've got to love the fluff out of the dog before you take it out for a walk in the city!" Only that the dog is a pig and all, but (shrugs) hey, it counts.
(End confessional)
Sugar: (kisses pig on face) (pig calms down, confused) There, now isn't that better? (runs past Amy running dragging pig) I'm going to name you Sweet Pig! Yes I am! (dives into tube)
Amy: (stops in front of tube) (irritated) Come on, just get in the tube already! I'm not going with you because I'm the beauty and the brains, and you're the doer of stuff that STINKS!
Samey: (looks at Amy) (shocked)
(Confessional)
Samey: (worried) O-kay, MAYBE making friends with my sis is going to be harder than I thought.
(End confessional)
Amy: (angry) Did you not hear me? Stop fooling around, and HURRY UP! (pig frightened and charges at Amy into tube) AAGH!
Chris: (amused) I was worried about cruelty to animals during this challenge, but I'm fine with cruelty to Amy.
Ella: (happy) Come on, Sugar! (Sugar comes out) Hurray! I'll take it from here!
Sugar: (panics) NOO! It's MINE! I'm keeping her! (looks at pig) Or a him. Anyways, it's MINE, forever!
Ella: (nervously) Well, maybe I can piggy-sit her for a tiddly bit? (sings) Hey there, little girl or fella! If you came over here, it would be mighty swellaaaaa!
Maskwak pig: (squeals happily, jumps to Ella out of Sugar's grip)
Sugar: (distressed) NOOO!
(Ella hugs pig)
Sugar: (distressed) OH, I love you, greased pig!
(Confessional)
Sugar: (fuming) But I don't love that pig stealing, sing-y faced, ELLA!
(End confessional)
Ella: (singing and dancing with pig across tires)
Dave: (cheering) Nice work, Ella!
Ella: (singing) (carried across tires by pig)
Dave: (confused) Um, a little faster, maybe?
(Samey looks in tube concerned, steps aside, Amy comes out with pig)
Amy: AAAHH! (drops on ground)
Samey: (concerned) Are you alright, Amy?
Amy: (disgusted) Ugh! (stands up) No! I'm all sweaty and disgusting! (angry) URGH! STUPID PIG! I ought to-
Samey: Whoa, calm down, Amy, (brushes grease off Amy) (happy) I'm pretty sure it didn't do it on purpose, right?
Amy: (scoffs) Excuse me?! Whose fault was this!
Samey: (worried) Um…the pig's?
Amy: (calm) Yeah…that's what I thought... (mutters) stupid pig! (angry) (passes leash to Samey) Now take this useless thing, and GO ALREADY!
Samey: (takes leash) (happy) Okay! (runs with pig across tires)
Chris: And with only two oop-stacles left, the Kinosewak are catching up to the Maskwak! (hears singing) (disturbed) Wait, wha-what was that noise?
Ella: (dancing with pig across tires) (sings) We're right where we belong, with an oink and a song! We are moving right along to the-
(Air horn through intercom)
Maskwak pig: (panics) (squealing) (runs around)
Ella: (angry) You scared him!
Chris: (intercom) (stern) There is no singing required in this season, as in, NONE!
Ella: (gasps in shock)
Scarlett: (dropping trail of pecans at the end of tires to lure Kinosewak pig, Samey releases pig, pig starts eating trail)
Chris: Ooh, looks like Scarlett's animal trainer spirit has come out!
Samey: (impressed) Way to go, Scarlett!
(Confessional)
Scarlett: (shrugs) Pig love pecans. (pondering) Maybe they know pecans donated the progression of age related motor neurons each generation.
(End confessional)
Scarlett: (luring Kinosewak pig with pecans to wheelbarrow, places pecan in front of wheelbarrow, pig eats pecan) (pulls out rope and long stick) Okay little porcine. (ties leash to wheelbarrow) (ties rope and stick to pig, rope tied to pecan) Let's see if you can (climbs up wheelbarrow) catch up to that. (pig chases pecan, pulling wheelbarrow carrying Scarlett across grease trail)
Chris: (loudspeaker) And team Kinosewak has taken the lead!
Ella: (walking to Dave) (upset) That mean man gave mister truffles (Maskwak pig jumps in wheelbarrow scared) a dreadful fright!
Sugar: (calls out) (angry) HIS NAME IS GREASED PIG! (Maskwak pig holds Ella briefly)
Ella: (handing leash to Dave) (happy) Here! With my best wishes!
Dave: (looking at leash dripping grease) (worried) It looks pretty dirty...but, but...
(Confessional)
Dave: (worried) I'll be fine, I mean no one said it was dirty, germy grease, right?
Chris: (loudspeaker) I forgot to mention that today's grease is brought you from the grease truck of Chef's restaurant.
Dave: (groans in dismay)
(End confessional)
Dave: (whimpers) (runs with wheelbarrow across grease trail carrying pig, sobbing)
Scarlett: (sees Dave behind her) Hmm. (scoops up grease trail, throws grease behind her) (grease hits Dave in the arm)
Dave: (panics) My arm! It's on my arm! (grease hits Dave in face)
Scarlett: (wheelbarrow stops) What the? (sees Kinosewak pig eat pecan hanging from rope) (annoyed) Oh come on, seriously?
Dave: (runs past Scarlett, screaming) (crashes wheelbarrow into rock, Maskwak pig thrown to Leonard) (panics) AAHH! SANITIZER! I NEED HAND SANITIZER! AND SANDPAPER FOR SCRUBBING!
Ella: (runs to Dave) (worried) Dave, Dave, you're okay! (happy) Calm yourself and hear my voice!
Dave: (hyperventilating)
Ella: (sings) Smiles can help with trials and tribulations!
Dave: (calms down) (breathes deeply) (smiles love-struck at Ella)
Ella: (smiles back love-struck)
(Confessional)
Dave: (shocked) Wow, usually I freak out way more often, but Ella's singing surprisingly has a calming effect on me. (calm) I think I have a bit of a crush on her and she certainly likes me back. (proud) But I'm not here to meet girls, I'm here to win! (ponders) But perhaps one date wouldn't hurt my chances of winning.
(Confessional)
Ella: (excited) That was a true fairytale moment. (love-struck) I have found my prince!
(End confessional)
Scarlett: (covered in grease, crashes wheelbarrow carrying Kinosewak pig into rock, sends Kinosewak pig flying) (annoyed) (sighs) Well, there goes a brand new outfit. (pig crashes into ground in front of Jasmine)
Jasmine: (happy) All righty then, come here little feller! (Kinosewak pig frightened) Whoa, little critter! Calm down now, take it easy, NICE and easy. (compelling voice) EA-SY. (pig compelled, rolls over happy) (tickles pig on stomach) (giggles) (proud) Now ain't that much better!
(Leonard at grease wall with Maskwak pig)
Leonard: (dramatically) Pig-us levitatus through this stateus! Piggy, piggy float over the wall! Win this challenge for us and aaaalll! (Dave, Ella, and Sugar walk up to Leonard)
Dave: (irritated) Just take the pig, and CLIMB the wall, Leonard!
Sugar: (defensive) Oh, you hush now! Give the wizard a chance, why don't you?!
Leonard: (annoyed) Well obviously, my spells aren't working, because someone here, doesn't believe in my magic powers.
Dave: (sarcastically) Oh, don't you mean me?! (angry) Because IT IS! SUPERPOWERS AREN'T REAL! NOW PICK UP THE PIIIG! (Jasmine easily climbs up rope over wall carrying Kinosewak pig, jumps down wall, lands on ground)
Chris: This just in. (Jasmine holds up Kinosewak pig in victory) Fake wizard beat by real amazon! The Pimâpotew Kinosewak win!
(Team Kinosewak except Amy cheer in victory) (Amy sulks, annoyed)
Samey: (to Amy) (happy) Come on Amy, we won!
Chris: And TONIGHT'S winner's meal is provided by, (turns to Chef carrying food bucket) Jiminy's Beaks and Feet! Our chickens walk the walk, talk the talk, then we put them in a fryer! (Chef throws bucket to team Kinosewak) Now THAT'S evil!
Team Kinosewak: (run away carrying bucket, cheering) (Maskwak pig farts)
Chris: Waneyihtem Maskwak, please head to the elimination campfire area, cannon needs num-nums. (chuckles) (Dave glares at Leonard, Sky looks at Dave then also glares at Leonard)
(Team Kinosewak walk back to tree-house)
Samey: (impressed) Nice one Jasmine, that pig thing was totally cool. How'd you do that?!
Jasmine: (carrying food bucket) (proud) Oh just a teeny tiny trick I learned back in the ranch. No biggie.
Rodney: (runs up to Jasmine and Samey) (nervously) But I just...(gulps) can not, right? (about to cry) (hands on Jasmine and Samey's chins) I mean...BYE! (runs off crying)
(Jasmine and Samey confused)
(Confessional)
Rodney: (sad) Breaking up with Jasmine and Samey was the hardest thing I have ever done. (sighs) I'm sure they're hurting right now.
(Confessional)
Jasmine: I have absolutely NO idea'r what the wood boy's trying to say all season! (ponders and blushes) Mayhaps he likes me back? Hmm, I hope he and everyone's ain't finding me too bossy. I mean, I had to take charge or it would've been one of us going out and all.
(End confessional)
(Bonfire ceremony)
Chris: (mocking) Hey, why so glum? You tried your best, and it was horrible! Now, let's see who you all blame for your collective failure.
(Confessional)
Dave: (deadpan) DUH!
(Confessional)
Sky: (laughs) Yeah! Obviously!
(Confessional)
Sugar: (proud) Definitely NOT the wizard!
(End confessional)
Chris: (serious) Oh, and before we get started, Ella?
Ella: (happy) Yes?
Chris: (serious) Enough with the singing already. This is NOT Total Drama World Tour anymore. So, from now on, if I hear you sang one last time, then you're disqualified. Got it? Good.
Sugar: (happy) Ooh, ooh! I bet you can change his mind with a song!
Ella: (sings) O-(Sky clasps her mouth shut)
Chris: Now, one of you gots to go. (throws marshmallows) Shawn, Sugar, Dave, and Sky, you're safe from elimination. Which leaves Ella the songbird (Ella shocked) and Leonard the wizard. (Leonard shocked) And the irritating oddball going home tonight is… (Dramatic music) (Ella worried)
Leonard: (desperate) Wobbly-woo, wobbly-wee, don't pick me!
(Dramatic music)
Leonard: (panics) Don't pick me, don't pick me!
Chris: (annoyed) Leonard! (Flicks marshmallow to Ella) Yeah, pack your potions, you're going flying.
Leonard: (shocked) WHAT?! Me?!
Sugar: OH NOO! (Faints dramatically)
Leonard: (dramatically) Magic forth and opus spell, bring forth a time reversal spell! (Chef grabs Leonard's arm, carries Leonard away)
Chris: (laughs) Like I said, useless!
Leonard: (desperate) FIREBALL! LIGHTNING BOLT!
(Cannon of shame: Leonard)
Leonard: (sad) Aw, nuts.
Chris: Check this out, Chef! I'm gonna show you a little magic trick of my own. (Mockingly) WATCH in amazement as I make this contestant disappear!
(Fires Leonard)
Leonard: (screaming)
Sugar: (sad) (waving) Oh, I love you, wizard!
Chris: So far we lost a beat boxer, a wannabe villain, and an obviously fake wizard. Three key players in the game I NEVER EVER want to play. Who's next in the boom-boom machine?! Only time will tell on Total, Drama, Pahkitew ISLAND!