Author's Note: I apparently only get bursts of creative genius after two o'clock in the morning. Here it is, nearly 3AM, and I've got two updates in one night. I'm on a roll. Sorry if this chapter seems weird...I needed it to be more aloof than the next few chapters are going to be. This is basically filler. Sorry guys! But still, it's pretty funny. Onward!

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. Know why? Near. I know I've said it before, but I feel like repeating myself. I hate Near.

Warning: Language, implied sex, drug use, etc.

January 16, 2009

"Mello. What's the deal?" Matt stalked into the room like a lion on the prowl. "What the fuck? A missile? A fucking missile? Are you shitting me?"

"No, Matt, I'm not shitting you. I need a missile. And heavy explosives. But I can get the explosives from Smitty. I need you to get me a missile. Please?" Mello side-glanced Matt, continuing with the difficult task of lacing his pants. Matt didn't seem to notice.

"What the fuck? And I'm just supposed to get you a missile...like I can fucking get that at Wal-Mart or something...the fuck?" Matt launched into a full rant, pacing the room and waving his arms in a fit of irritable anger. "I can't just buy a missile. They don't fucking sell those on eBay, you know? Like, where the fuck can I get a missile?"

"Check the military bases," Mello smirked, nonchalant.

"The fuck? Mello? Are you fucking crazy? I'd need a full fucking army to take on...well, the army. You're trying to get me killed, aren't you?"

"No," Mello pursed his lips, tying the last lace on his leather pants, "Breaking into a military base and stealing one would be loud and messy. Hack it. You can do that, right?"

"...I'm going to die. I'm going to fucking die," Matt threw his hands up in the air. "I give up! You're trying to kill me, Mello. I give up. How the fuck am I supposed to hack the U.S. military?"

"Like I know," Mello snorted, rolling his eyes. "You're the hacker. You tell me. What kind of codes would you need to steal a missile?"

"...A fucking lot of codes, that's what," Matt's anger subsided mildly, diminishing into something closely resembling brilliance. "Actually, if I run this new program, and add a few layers onto it..."

"Yeah, just do that," Mello interrupted. He stared at his and Matt's reflections in the mirror. "You're brilliant when it comes to hacking. You'll think of something." Mello proceeded to brush and straighten his hair, glancing at Matt's reflection every few seconds. The hacker stood in deep concentration for a moment.

"Mel," he grinned, "I can do it. It'll take a while, and I'll need a lot of supplies...but damn it, I think I can do it."

"Good, Matt," Mello smirked. "You take care of the missile, and I'll take care of the rest of the plan."

"What's the rest of the plan?" Matt asked.

"You'll see," Mello winked. "Now, shut up and kiss me. I'm discussing heavy explosives with a short-tempered merchant today. If you hear an explosion, I'm probably dead."

"..."

"I'm kidding, Matt."

February 14, 2009

"Hey, I got you something," Matt chuckled, tossing a box of dark chocolate hearts at Mello's sleeping body.

"Ow, fuck. What the…? Oh, Chocolate. Thanks Matt," Mello smiled, a genuine smile, and rubbed his eyes sleepily.

"Mel, have you been sleeping well?" Matt asked, concerned. He reached over and placed a palm on Mello's forehead. "Shit! You're sick, pal."

"Not sick…" Mello grumbled, "Just a little tired. Have you heard any word on the Kira case?"

"No way, Mello. You're not working today. You're getting your ass in bed, and you're staying there until you feel better. Don't argue with me."

"Fuck off," Mello snorted, eyes narrowing into slits. "I know my own body. I'm not sick. I'm just a little sleepy. That's all."

"Mello," Matt sighed, "My maternal instincts inform me otherwise. Get your ass to bed. Don't make me carry you in there."

"Fuck you," Mello groaned.

"Hey, I gave you an option," Matt shrugged. "I guess if you're going to be stubborn, I'll have to take matters into my own hands." With that, the redhead leaned over and scooped the older man up like a rag doll, carrying him to their bedroom with ease.

"The fuck? Matt, get your hands off! Put me down, god damn it!" Mello cursed and swore, but never struggled. He didn't have the energy.

"You're sick. You're staying in bed. End of story," Matt spat, plopping the blonde unceremoniously on their creaky mattress.

"I'll keep getting up, you know," Mello growled. He rolled over and attempted to stand, but was easily blocked by Matt.

"No you won't," Matt grinned, "because I'll pin you down."

"What the…?" Mello was gracelessly tossed back onto the bed, but a stubborn redhead was now lying across his abdomen.

"You're not moving. Fall asleep," Matt grinned. "Or I will lie here all day and all night."

"…Fine. I guess you'll lie there all night, then," Mello closed his eyes wearily. "Fuck. I had everything planned out, too."

"Planned out for what?" Matt asked, rolling over and causing Mello to groan in discomfort at the sudden shift of weight.

"St. Valentine's Day," Mello whispered. "I had things planned out. But I fell asleep. So I never got to set up your video game system…"

"You got me a video game system?" Matt asked, fully attentive. If Matt were a dog, his ears would have perked up.

"Maybe," Mello smirked. "And it might be in the closet, behind the violin case."

Without a moment's thought, Matt was up and running toward the closet. Mello slyly slipped from the bed, sneaking off into the living room while Matt pawed at his new toy.

"Mel! This is awesome, man! Fucking rocks! Hey," he paused, glancing around the room, "Where'd you go? MELLO! Where the fuck are you?"

"In here, Matt," Mello called from the other room.

"Well, get back in here! You're still sick!"

"Come get me."

"Mello…" Matt heard the taunting in the blonde's voice. What was that sneaky bastard planning?

"Come get me, Matt."

Matt shuffled to the living room, unsure of what to expect. His game system still lay silent on the floor beside the closet door.

"Mello?"

"Right here," the blonde smirked. "Happy Valentine's Day."

"Mello! What…?" Mello produced a small, silver package from under the couch. Matt took it reverently, as though it were a sacred relic from God himself.

"Open it," Mello grinned. Matt carefully tugged at the ribbons until they fell away, exposing the contents of the box. Matt's breath caught in his throat.

"Mel…?"

"It's a promise ring," Mello said shyly. "You can wear it, or you can turn it into a necklace. Do you like it?"

"I love it," Matt said, pushing the gold ring onto his awaiting finger. A perfect fit.

"I love you, Matt. I love you, and I'm not afraid to say it." Mello reached over and tenderly traced one finger down his gamer's neck.

"I love you, too, Mello," Matt smiled, leaning into his angel's touch, "but you're still sick. You're sick. You're going to bed. You need to sleep."

"No, Matt," Mello smirked devilishly, "We're sick. We're going to bed. We need to sleep…together." The blonde glided into their shared bedroom like a wraith, taunting Matt.

"Happy Valentine's Day," Matt thought incredulously. Dumbstruck, he followed.

March 23, 2009

"Hey Matt, are you high?" Mello peeked into the hacker's equipment room, where the redhead was sitting, surrounded on all sides by wires and discs and other such technology.

"Maybe," Matt laughed, pulling the twisted joint from his lips. "Why don't you come find out?"

"I can smell the weed from here," Mello snorted.

"Yeah, well, it smells better on my breath." Matt giggled and grinned, tapping away at his laptop's keyboard. "Want a hit? Or two? Or ten?"

"Not now, Matty. Hey, what are you working on?" Mello pushed a pile of memory chips aside so that he could sit down among the clutter.

"Hell if I know," Matt snorted. "I already forgot. But it's coming along great."

"Matt…" Mello closed his eyes and counted to ten. "Have you gotten any closer with The Project? You know, the missile?"

"Oh! Shit, yeah! That's what I'm working on. That's what's going great. Yeah, that's it, Mello. Jello. Mello Yellow Jello." Matt cackled insanely. Mello contemplated murder.

"How can you work while you're so fucked up?" Mello wondered aloud. Matt paused, mid-keystroke, and contemplated his answer.

"'Cause…'cause…oh, 'cause I'm more cautious when I'm high! That's it. Yeah, I take my time more. Because I keep having to look at the numbers over and over. And I get them right. And yeah. Hey, Mel, do you care what grade the missile is? 'Cause I can get a strong one, or I can get a small one."

"Just get one, Matt," Mello glared, obviously frustrated with the oblivious hacker. "You know what? Give me that joint. It's hard to be around someone who's fucked up when I'm not fucked up, too."

"Have you EVER been fucked up?" Matt asked, crawling over a pile of twist ties to pass the smoldering stick to the irritated blonde.

"No," Mello replied curtly, "I think it makes people turn into apes. But why the hell not? I'm about to take on the Japanese Police. Why the hell shouldn't I lose my mind for a while?" Mello took the stick, sucking in the toxic fumes. Nothing happened.

"Mel, you know we'll win this thing, right? Come on, dude. We've got the bombs! Bombs win. And the missile is almost ours, too!" Matt spaced out for a second, tapping a new sequence of numbers into the computer. He picked up a brightly colored floppy disk and shoved it into the floppy drive.

"Whatever," Mello grumbled. He inhaled again, still trying to smoke the joint like a cigarette. Nothing.

"Smoking…you're doing it wrong!" Matt laughed. "Hold the smoke for a few seconds, then blow it out. Try blowing it through your nose, too. It's trippy."

"Like this?" Mello inhaled again, held the thick smoke in his lungs, and exhaled with a raspy cough.

"You're getting better. Feeling buzzed yet?" Matt wiggled his eyebrows.

"…I have no idea."

"That means you're feeling buzzed, man." Matt shook his head, plugging a small black box into the computer's USB Port. "Friggin' Newbie."

"Hey!" Mello growled, "What the fuck did you just call me? I ought to…I ought…what was I saying?" He twisted his face in confusion.

"Haha!" Matt roared, "Mello's stoned! Took you long enough, man. Now, just friggin' relax. Finish that joint off, would you? Don't burn yourself. Shit hurts."

"Your face hurts," Mello muttered. "What the fuck?"

"What is it, Mel?"

"My hand. It doesn't want to move." Mello stared at the disobedient limb. "Move, damn you."

"Haha, friggin' Newbie…" Matt chuckled, sliding a different disk into the floppy drive.

"Matt, I'm serious. It doesn't want to…oh, wait. There it goes. Hey hand, why are you being mean today?" Mello grinned absently at his hand, which waved back at him. "What the fuck…"

"Pretty trippy, huh?"

"Yeah. Hey, what time is it?"

"3:47 P.M."

"Okay. Matt, how long does this last?"

"What?"

"This whole stoned thing. How long does it last?"

"Fuck, not long enough," Matt snorted. "Couple of hours, give or take. Stays in your system for a day, though."

"Oh," Mello frowned. "What time is it?"

"3:48 P.M."

"Oh. What time was it last time I asked?"

"Fuck, like I remember."

"I hate this shit, Matt."

"Uh…sorry? You're high now; might as well enjoy it."

"Whatever. Don't smoke this shit in the house anymore."

"Fuck, why not? I work better like this."

"Because…fuck, I don't remember. What was the question?"

"You're so toasted," Matt smirked. Mello stood up shakily and stalked out of the room, finding solace in the comfort of the couch.

"I am watching a movie, and you are not. So you stay there. And I'll watch this movie until I am not stoned. Then I will kick your ass," Mello frowned, glaring at the screen.

"Hey, Mello!" Matt called from the equipment room.

"Shut the fuck up, Matt!" Mello retorted.

Ignoring him, Matt called out, "Yeah, well, you might want to put a DVD in! Right now, you're watching the DVD screensaver!"

"…Shut up, Matt."