Author's Notes:
Thankyou so much for the reviews! Sorry for the delay, super swamped with all these updates. I have four fics on the go. Please bare with me!
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Chapter 4:
You broke down my walls
And I let you in
Searching my soul
To still believe, to still believe in me
'False' By Tusk
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When Harvey returns to the Hospital, he notices Mike looking pensive, as he sits in the waiting room. Harvey frowns instantly, drawing in a breath just to calm his bones.
"Mike...why are you out here?" He asks, glancing towards Donna's room.
Mike sits up, seemingly out of sorts, until he regards Harvey.
"She's fine," Mike says hastily, preempting the man.
Harvey sighs in a puff. It soothes him, his friend's sudden reactiveness. "What is it?" He asks then, sensing a 'but'.
Mike's eyes float to the door.
"Donna has a-"
"Harvey,"
"…..visitor," Mike manages, just a beat too late.
Harvey's head shoots to the doorway, holding his breath as he witnesses James Paulsen staring at right him. The same old glasses, and the slightly jaded, backfoot stare, a reminder of the last time Harvey cleaned up his mess and saved his worthless ass.
He isn't sure he has it in him to deal with this man today. He's a little low on fucks to give unless they're directed squarely at Donna...
He stills his mind then, reminding himself of the unhelpful fact, that goes against all he knows, and all that his reliable conscience tells him: The man is still Donna's Father.
"Jim," He says, his voice level as he walks towards the shorter man. He notices his blue checked shirt, and a thoroughly shitty tie. Same as always...
If roles were reversed, and it had been Donna, staring at a man that was meant to be Harvey's father, she would have described him as the 'Willy Loman' type.
A door-to-door man, caught between his failures and his flight of grandeur.
"Harvey, what happened to my daughter?" He asks pointedly. "Rachel said something about an 'accident'?" He presses, his large hazel eyes scrutinising Harvey.
Green... Orange... Red...
The Sidewalk.
Her Face.
His Beating Heart...
It puts him on edge immediately. He's not ready for it. And it's so unlike him, this broken hesitation that seems to follow him. His head turns to the hospital room, his face frowning deeply.
"'You leave her alone in there?" He asks, a touch sharper than his thought can carry as he points to the door, deflecting the man's question in favour of his own interests.
"Excuse me?" James frowns, seeming confused at his words.
"She...she shouldn't be left alone. I...Mike was meant to be..." Harvey manages, half mumbling as he strides towards the door. He feels his chest tighten for every single step, his heartbeat quicken until he pushes the door open to reveal her, identical to when he'd left earlier. He sighs heavily, relief washing over him as he walks over to her bed, lingering over her right side.
"What exactly happened, Harvey?" Donna's father asks, following him through the door.
"We umm….she-" He stumbles on the words, his mouth suddenly stuck with the feeling of glue and oatmeal as he looks to Donna.
For once she's not there to catch his ass…
He's not felt this unnecessarily helpless, since the last time she left him...
"She was crossing the street corner for lunch and...this truck just...it didn't see her. Harvey and I...we saw it happen. We ran to her. Called 911. It was...terrible." Mike interrupts, a fluid stream of carefully placed bullshit hitting the air with the hint of truth as he stands casually at the end of the bed.
Every word deflecting Harvey's continued inability to recount the events that only he fully witnessed.
Harvey swallows thickly, half in shock at Mike's quick thinking and half struggling with the look that Donna's father passes between his own frozen stance and Donna's unnaturally muted presence.
He blinks several times, looking to Donna again. He wants to take her hand in his. But he's not about to give her Father any ammo...
James Paulsen steps towards the bed, his eyes glassier than his thickish frames. He takes Donna's left hand freely. Harvey finds an immediate irritation at the action. He douses the feeling, looking to the older man as he sits where he had woken up, earlier that morning.
He knows it's stupid. He just doesn't like him. He doesn't trust the man at all...with a deal, or Donna, or anything for that matter.
He didn't trust the man with Donna's life when she was at her best. At her worst, in Harvey's mind, he really doesn't stand a chance.
"Has she woken up at all?" He asks.
"She won't. Not for a day or two." Harvey states. "The respirator is keeping her stable. Or so they tell us." He explains.
"Have you been here?"
Harvey gives the man a look of irritation at his words.
He'd have thought that after all this time, James Paulsen would have picked up on the simple fact that A) Harvey would always be there for Donna. And B) She wasn't alone. In fact, she was loved, and cared for by the people most dear to her.
"Yes. We all have." Mike answers, covering the silence once more.
"I've gotta say….I'm surprised you had the time to be away from the firm this long." James says, eyeing Harvey.
"Excuse me?" Harvey says, his face sharpening at the man's asinine remark.
"Donna means a lot to all of us." Mike explains, trying to deflect.
Harvey feels Mike's gaze on him then. "She's family," Harvey manages, his gaze razor edged and piercing as he squares a look at Donna's father.
The man is smart enough at least to sense the shift in the room, as he looks evenly between the two of them. "Well...I'm glad she has people that care about her, in the city." He says, looking to Donna for a moment, before leaning forward to kiss her temple, the part not obscured with bandages. "I'm going to get a hotel." He states. "I'll be back tonight. Please...call if anything happens?" He says, looking to Harvey and then Mike.
Harvey narrows his eyes, another bout of frustration claiming him, as he feels his temper rise and his hands ball into fists, sucking in a breath.
"We will." Mike interrupts, cordially, trying to disarm Harvey's noticeable posture shift.
Harvey's shoulders hunch then, his eyeline rising to a dangerous degree.
"You've been here all of five minutes, and you think that's all she deserves?" Harvey snaps, almost spitting the words at the older man.
James blinks several times, looking directly back at Harvey. "Harvey...I don't know what your problem is with me, but-"
"My Problem?! My problem is that you arrive an entire day after Donna's been in a serious accident...and you're here, what? Half an hour before you have to leave again?"
They pause as a head and some shoulders glide past the window of the hospital room. A nurse looking in on the commotion with a shrewd eye for a possibly rising altercation. They all relax forcibly, their postures becoming micro-managed and covering any sign of noticeable conflict before a stranger can intervene further.
"I'm going to get a hotel, Harvey. Unlike you, I don't have the advantage of living in the city." He says then, his tone brusk and aged.
"I don't give a shit where you live! You could live in Wisconsin for all I care. Your daughter is lying sick and unconscious in a hospital bed without her Father or Mother here. If you really care so much for her, you'll get here as quick as you can without a second thought, instead of wasting time."
James Paulsen steps back, disbelief charting his worn in features.
"The great Harvey Specter...always 'high and mighty'..." He regards, his comment just off of snide. "I'll have you know...I just flew nine hours, off of the back of a business trip, to see my daughter as quickly as I am able, at my age."
"Still chasing the dream, huh Jim?" He counters, letting the words cut like a knife.
He watches the older man's face draw pale, that look of anger ridden shock that flashes, something of his own daughter's expressions, as his lips take the brunt of Harvey's comment, tightening into a straight and almost painful line.
"Harvey, I know you're worried about my Donna. And I know that you care about her. That's why you're here." He says in a hushed tone, taking a step towards the bed and Harvey. "But don't you EVER question my commitment to my family, OR my daughter." He fires at him.
"Better go get that hotel, Jim..." Harvey says, his voice low, with condescension dripping from his words as he stays his ground.
Mike looks on in held panic at two men teetering on the finest, splintering edge of niceties as the woman they have in mind holds them apart with her mere presence.
Donna Paulsen, acting in people's interests...even in her shortcomings.
Harvey watches, finally, as James Paulsen retreats slowly towards the door. He stays his grown, his gaze following the man until he disappears behind the white door. The door rocks on it's hinges, charting the exit of one James Paulsen.
He sighs then, shaking his head, before he looks to Mike. He knows by his expression alone that he's going to get a firm lecture in about four seconds. He groans at the mere thought of such a thing, slumping into a seat just to avoid his friend's eye line.
"Was that really necessary?" Mike asks, wandering over to a chair lying against the edge of the wall, lifting it and pulling it over to meet Harvey's. He places the chair down next to his friend.
"Mike…" He objects weakly, sighing as his eyes focus on Donna. As more for a distraction than for anything else.
"Harvey...I shouldn't have to tell you this...but you're not her boyfriend."
He whips around to his friend's gaze, narrowing his eyes. "You think I don't know that?" He bites the words.
"Well, when you go off at her Father like that, I do wonder." He remarks, his tone suggestive in the worst way.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Harvey counters harshly.
"Distancing yourself from Paula...not leaving the hospital. Neglecting work." He points out. "You were fighting with Donna right before she got hit." He states. "Now, I know that you feel guilty, like you caused her to...have a lapse in concentration, like you're in charge of fate but...I feel like I'm missing something, here."
Mike Ross is more than just smarts and an eidetic memory.
It seems that having a best friend like Mike Ross, means you can't hide from a damned thing...
"I nearly lost her, Mike." He tells him, his voice cracking slightly. "..I could...still...lose her." He says, his voice lost in a sea of his own thoughts.
"So...do you not think that that might...mean more than what you're giving her? More than the word's that you've already said?" He encourages.
"You want to know if I love her," He assumes, reluctantly, his face contorting as his eyes flick to the shitty square ceiling tiles he's come to know.
It's as if, lately, everybody is asking him this question...or at least insinuating it.
"No...I know that you love her. I'm just...wondering when you're gonna do something about it." Mike says, tenderly.
"Like what, exactly," He replies sarcastically, huffing at his friend's ridiculous words as his hand teeters a fraction of an inch away from Donna's. He hears the sound of her heartbeat quicken by the smallest amount, the space between the beeps getting shorter. He frowns, wishing she were awake enough to set his mind at rest.
She always did know how to ease his frayed nerve...
"Like...toss out your pride and your fear of rejection and just...tell her you want to be with her?" Mike offers, his words layered with meaning, even in their careful execution.
Harvey's eyes shoot up to his friend, defensive and fire ridden in an overreaction. But as his gaze percolates against Mike's cool and slightly soulful blues, he finds the echo of a stillness. A calm kind of surrender in the young man's words that speaks of a truth that he can no longer run from.
He looks away then...looking back at his hand, now wrapped protectively around Donna's, carefully avoiding her cannula.
"I thought she would never. After her rule...I never thought it was…"
"Possible?"
"We work together, Mike."
"So do Rachel and I." He adds. "That's not it, and you know it."
He nods, looking back to Donna. "She told me she wanted 'more'." He says then, his head bowing slightly.
"What kind of more?" Mike asks, interest framing his youthful face.
"She didn't know." He sighs, his shoulders slumping. "I asked her but...she said she'd have to...figure that out. After taking the buy-out."
"And then you dated Paula." Mike nods, understanding then. More than he has in weeks. Months, even.
Paula Agard. The Ex-Therapist. The Girlfriend. The Unnecessary Obstacle.
Where once there was only clarity, now all he can see are the many greys upon greys upon greys. And not the moral kind that he is used to playing with.
"I think I made a mistake." Harvey says.
For a second, Mike frowns, his brain not quite processing his Partner's quiet words.
"With what?" He asks.
"Dating Paula." He says, sighing in the resounding truth of the words. "I like her. I do...and I care about her...a lot...I just...she's,"
"Not Donna?" Mike offers.
Harvey laughs to himself, something small and potent and laced with bittersweetness.
Donna. A name and a title in one.
"What if she doesn't...wake up, Mike?" He asks his friend, staring at the bits of her face that he can still see. The freckles and red hair, that is still her, and the side of her face that didn't take the hit.
It's a rare comet of a moment, where Harvey is open and unsure and scared for the person that he loves the most in the world.
"She's Donna. She will." Mike answers, looking to his friend.
.
.
Mike Ross is worried about his best friend.
He's worried about his dear friend, also.
It seems that whilst one goes through a trauma, so it seems, does the other.
Harvey needs to take care of himself. Take care of his responsibilities. But right now, he's avoiding his life, just to be by the side of the one woman who has unknowingly buried her way into the older lawyer's heart.
And it's different somehow. For as much as she holds on, so in return, does Harvey. There is something so juvenile and pure and awkwardly chaste about the two of them. Like they knew each other as children in some parallel life, and held onto their notions of 'a happy ever after' long after happiness turned sour and 'ever' became a ticking time bomb. Life, had tainted and tarnished them enough over the years, into believing that it wasn't possible to have that kind of happiness. That their goals were too high, or that there was some hidden flaw or something missing from them. And so, instead of rushing into a sea of their feeling for one another, that threatened to engulf them both at it's highest point, they continued to paddle lightly, sharing the space with others that never quite match up, until they could no longer cope with the imbalance, and then throwing it all on its head, they start all over again, a circle of unending.
He had encouraged Harvey to go home tonight. To sleep a full night - with Louis agreeing to keep Jim Paulsen company - and then return to her in the morning.
It seems like the most frustrating of waiting games.
Bringing two people together,
Who are held so far apart.
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Harvey can't sleep.
His body is tired, but his mind is stubborn to a fault.
He turns over in bed, the grey toned light streaming in through the large windows of his bedroom. There's a full moon out. He doesn't believe in magic or superstition, but there is something uneasy about the moon tonight. Like it has purpose, more than just hanging up there in the sky like a lightbulb. He could pull the blinds down, black out the night, but he enjoys the easy wake of day and the culpable morning.
He sits up in bed, as his hand reaches to the little white bottle on his bedside table. He pops the flimsy cap and empties out two oval pills. He returns the cap to the bottle, pawing for the glass of near empty scotch by his bed, and downs the pills and the not-so-doctor-recommended but wholly self-subscribed alcohol in one.
He'd already been for a run since getting in. It seems he couldn't run himself out of the need to disconnect from the situation. From Donna. From the possibility of her needing him...
But right now, in welcoming the comforts of a mattress and silence, he just needs to sleep for a little while. To exhaust his mind enough to recharge his body. Then, he'll be able to be better, to stay longer. For her.
He also can't help the realisation that he had been all too willing to dodge James Paulsen tonight.
He honestly didn't want to get into yet another fight. And as angry as he had been at the man when he had arrived earlier...at least he had returned to support his daughter. To make up for the delay.
He feels some remorse for snapping at the man. Just a little bit...but enough to realise something huge in his life. Like a light being switched onto a room containing a little piece of the missing puzzle:
When it comes to Donna...Harvey Specter doesn't always see straight.
He sees either White or Red. No right. No wrong. No moral course. No logical line of thought. Just colours and impulses and layered feeling that lash and sear and soak him.
Fourteen, nearly fifteen years and he's only just realised the fact. That, and the vague recollection of Mike insinuating it somewhere in his recent past.
And that understanding, of his nature in regards to her, and only her, is what's keeping him awake tonight.
It makes him look at their past fights somewhat differently, too. At the times when 'almosts' and 'avoided maybe's' collided with the corners of arguments that they never seemed to be able to find a level footing for.
Stephen.
Scottie.
Mark Meadows.
Travis Tanner.
Louis.
Paula.
Maybe he had been jealous. Maybe he hadn't liked to share her, like she had once prophesized. Maybe he liked her in every corner of his day, and he didn't like it when she was on her own and away from him. Maybe he didn't like her dating. Maybe he didn't like her having anniversaries that weren't entirely theirs. Maybe he loved the shitty thai place, because he just loved to make her happy and he loved the look on her face when she was. Maybe how he loved her, was so terrifying in it's depth to admit, not only to himself but out into an unknown. Maybe he wanted her to tell it to him straight to just to ease the shrivelled walnut of doubt in his heart. Maybe he had expected both, when she agreed to come with him.
Maybe...he was in love with her.
~I'm hearing voices
All because of you
I'm seeing red
So in love with you
I'm feeling lost, as we move, a little bit deeper, a little bit deeper
Making sense of you as we move, a little bit deeper, a little bit deeper
You won't ever see, you won't ever turn around
Forever you'll be, just another
You won't ever see, you won't ever turn around
Forever you'll be, just another~
He hears his phone buzz, as his eyes flick to the blue light of his cell illuminating the contents of his nightstand. He reaches, noticing the caller ID, and his breath catches, as he accepts the call, sitting upright in bed.
"Louis, what is it?" He asks, his voice thick with sleep as he rubs at his forehead.
"She's awake." He hears the man's rushed voice on the phone.
...Donna...
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Promise there'll be a bigger chapter next time!
Song featured: 'Save Me' By Magic.