Shadowdance

Chapter 3

" Of course the kaijuu's having a hard time remembering the lines." Touya smirked. " This is the first time you're actually playing a girl."

Sakura give him a hard kick.

" Ow!"

" It's a lot of lines to remember," Fujitaka said diplomatically, " I'm sure you'll be able to do it by the festival."

" Hai." Yamazaki pointed out. " Besides, you have even more lines than me."

" How is the gaki, anyway?" Kero asked.

Yukito gave Kero a glare.

" Hey," Sakura felt a little left out, " You never tell me how he's doing."

" He's not doing too well." Kero answered, and dodged one of Yukito's smacks. It surprised everyone, because as much as they did not expect that from someone as soft-spoken as Yukito, they expected it even less from the impassive and controlled Yue. It was extremely difficult to tell who commanded that gesture.

" Oh," Sakura was more preoccupied by what Kero said than the odd thing that just happened, " Is he going to be okay?"

" I don't know. I need to talk to Eriol-san about this." Yukito replied.

" Is it really that serious?" Touya asked.

" I don't think so." Yukito left it at that.

Sakura was very unhappy. " I wish there was something I can do. Why can't he call us from time to time?"

Upstairs another one of her cards glowed and disappeared from the book. Sakura did not sense it, but Yukito glanced up thoughtfully, puzzled.

" Probably too occupied." Yamazaki said absently. " They might be keeping him preoccupied. You know, distracting him."

" That's a good point." Touya remarked.

Fujitaka poked his head out of the kitchen. " Hey kids," He called out, " You're going to have to eat out. Fridge's out."

" Oh?" Touya turned around. " What do you mean? You're not coming with us?"

" I have a paper to write. You kids go ahead."

" Oh. Alright then." Sakura said.

oO

" So you have to tap the cards every time you use them."

" Hai."

" That kind of sucks." Yamazaki scowled. " It makes things ridiculously slow. Not to mention, how do you draw the right one fast enough?"

" It kind of just comes." Sakura replied. " Well I know which is which based on the aura, but usually when I think about what card I want it ends up being the one in my hand."

" That's pretty weird."

" You know, I never really thought about it before." Sakura admitted.

" What if you just throw it out and not do anything?"

" I don't think she has tried that." Tomoyo glanced at Kero who was sitting on Sakura's lap, hidden from the waitresses and other customers of the restaurant. " Can she do that?"

" I never tried that." Kero admitted. " Perhaps we should try it sometime."

" Un."

" So what are you folks planning on doing this weekend?" Yamazaki asked. " I really want to go somewhere this weekend."

" Me too." Tomoyo agreed.

" I don't know." Touya glanced at Yukito. " You got anything planned next weekend?"

" Iie."

" Okay, good." Touya clapped his hands together. " Where do you guys want to go?"

" Beach."

" Movies."

" What if we head over to Korea?" Sakura asked.

" Egh." Touya glanced at Yukito for help.

" No good." Yukito shook his head.

" Why not?"

" Can't deal with us currently." Yukito shook his head.

" Are they in trouble or something?" Sakura asked.

" Iie. Just elemental stuff. Things they would not want us to interfere with, which is what we would be doing if we went there. When time comes they will invite us, I promise."

" Uh huh." Even Touya looked skeptical.

They finished their lunch, and as none of them had things to do and did not feel like going home, they wandered around town randomly for a while, until presently Yamazaki stopped them all.

" Matte, guys," He looked around, " Where are we?"

" Hm." Sakura glanced around.

" Hey, I recognize this place," Tomoyo blinked, " But wasn't there a sign over there?"

At the corner of the block they stood on, there was no hint of there ever being any sign before.

" Huh. I thought so too." Touya said thoughtfully. " But look, there's not even a scratch on the sidewalk."

Indeed, the situation is quite bizarre.

" Maybe we're in the wrong place?" Sakura asked.

" Iie, this is the right place." Touya looked around. " The stores are the same. I know this place."

" Something isn't right here." Kero agreed.

" Well, maybe they just took it down and did a good job?" Yamazaki asked doubtfully.

It seemed the only explanation, so they left it at that.

oO

" I got my chou back." Syaoran said happily to Yukito. " I think I'm going to convince Chul that he can take it easy for a bit. It's hard for him too, not just for me."

" Un." Yukito smiled, despite the fact that the other could not possibly see it. He adjusted the phone on his shoulder as he rinsed the vegetables. " And maybe Nataku-kotaishi can watch you sometimes instead. He sounds much more playful than Chul."

" Heh," Syaoran replied, " He's usually too busy but yeah. It's weird; Nezha is several thousand years old but he still acts and looks mostly like a kid."

The chou really must be something, Yukito reasoned, since Syaoran was talking a lot more today.

" We went to the forest and started collecting all these weird bugs," Syaoran chattered on, " Nezha even flamed us a jar so we can store them. Most of them are dead by now though." Here he sounded mournful. " Some of them were even poisonous ones! I got stung by one but for some reason it didn't do anything. They healed me just in case though. And a few were magical ones. Those are still alive. I think I'm going to let them go soon. I feel sorry for the ones that died. They just suddenly stopped moving."

" Hm." Yukito was still smiling. " Well, sounds like you're having fun."

" For the first time since I got here." Syaoran admitted. " Well, I was having fun earlier that other day but yeah…"

Yukito laughed. " Well just stay safe Syaoran-san. Yue wants to remind you never to go anywhere alone. Doesn't have to be Chul, but make sure someone older is with you."

" Hai!" Syaoran consented brightly. " Although Ritsuko said that since my chou is made of pure light essence, it's less likely that any Shadowmaster would come." Here he sounded a bit sad again. " But yeah."

It must be hard for him, Yukito thought. He was not sure what to say at first.

" Syaoran-san," He began quietly, " Don't think about him as your father, Syaoran-san. He isn't. He gave that up a long time ago."

There was a long silence as Syaoran struggled with how to respond.

" It shouldn't be affecting me like this." The boy lamented sorrowfully. " I kind of gave him up for dead a long time ago, you know? And I was used to it. I didn't know what it was like to have a dad."

Yukito reflected that this was probably why Syaoran did not want to talk to Sakura. Somehow the boy took the risk of confiding in him once. Yukito (or Yue) had apparently passed. But Syaoran was not willing to take the risk with Sakura, and to be honest, Yue could not picture him saying these things to the girl. They were a little too…profound.

" And I didn't really need one. I guess I just needed an illusion of one. Pictures, you know, a name. The knowledge that there was one, at least. But now I feel like I need one because I lost what I actually had, and I find even he's gone. And I can't talk to Chul about it because Chul had it worse than me—he never had a dad to begin with, not even an illusion. And I always feel like a whiny brat whenever I do want to talk to someone here."

No hint of the obnoxious or inconsiderate brat now, Yukito thought wryly. Had Syaoran been like this from the start, Yue might not have ignored him so.

" It was kind of like two years ago." Syaoran went on. " I didn't know anyone in Tomoeda and I couldn't talk to anyone. I mean, I'm glad I met Sakura, but I wish it had gone over better. And sometimes I wish I had gone back to Hong Kong when I was thinking about it. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I mean, the last conversation I had with my mom was about my computer, and how I had to partition it, and I was arguing with her about whether or not it was possible yet, and she left annoyed and I left annoyed and it could have gone over a lot better if I actually spent an extra year with her, and my sisters, I'd even put up with their pranks because even if they do it often at least they were always there when I actually needed it, I mean they know how to be serious even if you guys didn't really see that side." Syaoran began sobbing. " I don't know. I can't talk to anyone here. Chul's lost his mom too and he doesn't whine about it. And everyone here has some sort of problem or other and besides, I'm not a waterspeaker. I'm just here because if I'm not Chul wouldn't be able to protect me and who knows what will happen if my father gets me. I don't know how to change into light but I think that would make it all easier. It's better than taking over other people's time and feeling like a wreck doing it."

" Syaoran…" Yukito sighed, even if Yue was not really prepared for it. They had seen this coming. Syaoran had never had the time to grieve.

" I miss my mom." Syaoran wept. " I miss my sisters. They get annoying but they're still mine."

" I know."

" And I even miss my annoying relatives. You know that the clan shares magic right? I mean I didn't really know how to utilize it but I was always able to sense them. No matter how annoying they get they were still closer than other annoying relatives that I hear about. And when I needed them they never hesitated to help. I belonged there. I should have gone back."

" Iie, Syaoran." Yukito soothed. " You would have died with them. And Chul would never know what it means to love someone else."

Syaoran abruptly fell silent.

" Don't think about what you should have done." Yukito continued. " Sakura would have had a harder time passing Eriol's trials had you not been there."

" Eriol was a friend. And I did moot." Syaoran sounded bitter. " All I did was talk."

" And there was no one else to do that for her." Yukito pointed out. " Sakura knows this, so do I. So does Kero. And how do you know Eriol would have remained an ally? What if Sakura failed? You were where you had to be."

" Iie." Syaoran whispered. " How did I get these abilities anyway?

Yue was puzzled himself, as was everyone, but he answered with care.

" Maybe you always had them, Syaoran." Yue replied. " You just needed a way to release them."

Syaoran was silent again.

" Sakura wants to talk to you." Yukito told the child. " She's sensing that you are avoiding her. I understand why, but she doesn't. It will probably do you good to talk to her anyway."

" Like this?" Syaoran's voice was incredulous.

" What about it?" Yukito frowned. " You have nothing to be ashamed of."

" I'm not ashamed." The boy replied flatly. " I just don't know what to say to her."

" You don't have to say anything. You can just listen. She has plenty to tell you."

" Haha." Syaoran laughed bitterly. " I don't know. I feel like I want to think about everything else except her now. I know it's selfish, but I wish she would just tell me how she feels. Either she likes me or she doesn't. I'm tired of losing people, and I'd much rather know that I didn't have her from the start, rather than feel like I had her and then lost her. It's more than I can stand."

" She cares about you." Yukito replied uncomfortably.

Syaoran's laughter was slightly hysterical now. " That should be enough, I guess." He laughed again. " Kami-sama, I can't let Chul see me like this. Can we talk about something else?"

Yukito frowned. " Are you afraid of Chul?"

" Iie. But it would be something if he saw me like this." Syaoran laughed again. " I feel like that time when Eriol entered my head. Couldn't stop laughing then either. Can we please talk about something else?"

Yukito paused. " What's wrong with Chul seeing you like this?" However he is. " He cares for you too."

" I don't care about people caring about me." Syaoran snapped. " I'm really really tired. You can care about the whole world, you can care about all the planets, that's not going to do me any good, is it? I don't need people caring about me."

" What do you need then?"

Syaoran was quiet for a long time. " You know what being light feels like?" He suddenly asked.

Yukito blinked. Syaoran went on before he had a chance to reply.

" You see everything." Syaoran's voice sounded resigned. " But you feel nothing. Just radiance, and warmth, and a deep, deep calm. And Time slows down because you're going so fast, but that's fine because you don't feel it pass by. You're everywhere at once. You're the lights in New York City. You're the sun, moon, and stars. You're the glow of some fish's antennae deep down at the ocean floor. There's no pain at all." Syaoran paused for a second. " I wonder why the waterspeakers don't just change into their elemental forms, if it's like that. Because once you come back—I don't know. As light I don't trouble anyone, that's for sure. And I don't need anything."

" Would you go back as light?" Yukito asked grimly. " If you can?"

" Duh." Syaoran said, without thinking. " I'd never come back, if it's possible."

Yukito paused for a while, troubled by this. " What about Sakura?" He asked.

" She still hasn't answered me." Syaoran replied bitterly. " I would wait, especially before, but I can't stand it. I think I'm going to explode if I waited around any longer. My father freaking wants to kill me, my mother and sisters and relatives are all burned to death, I honestly don't want to delude myself any longer by pretending I still had Sakura. Besides," He hesitated, " She never needed me. I always needed her."

" You don't know that." Yukito said tightly. " Have you talked to her lately?"

" Iie," Syaoran said almost lightly, " But she's alright, isn't she?"

" She's been getting very upset lately." Yukito replied sternly. " You should have seen her temper the past few days. And you should know what caused it."

" What, you want me to hang around for Sakura?" Syaoran asked, his voice suddenly very normal. " I guess I can do that, if you can really prove she needs me around."

Yukito frowned even more.

" I'm not asking you to stay for Sakura. She is one of the reasons, hai, but you should be staying for yourself as well."

" Nani?" Syaoran sounded bewildered. " What reason do I have for staying here?"

" You can't run away, Syaoran."

" Well, obviously I can't." Syaoran replied lightly. " We kind of forgot that itsy-bitsy detail that involves me not being able to transform in the first place."

" But you'll learn to do that." Yue replied quietly. " And what are you going to do? Are you just going to leave Sakura? Leave Chul? Your waterspeaker friends? You think Nezha would approve? You think people will respect you for running away like that?"

" You sound a lot like Yue." Syaoran suddenly interrupted. " Huh. You don't use the same words I think he'd use, but you sound a lot like him just now."

Yukito kept quiet, not letting Syaoran change the topic.

" I'm trying very hard." Syaoran confessed quietly. " But I need help. And I don't know what it is, or where to look, or how to get it. It feels like I'm struggling all on my own and people are just around to watch. I'm really trying. I don't want to run away like a coward. But I feel like I'm going insane. I feel like I'd lose it if I don't get help. And just plain talking isn't helping." A choked sob. " I wish there was a miracle, or God, or something. I don't know how long I can keep doing this. I'm so tired. I wish someone was there to help. I wish someone could help me."

Yukito did not know what to say, and listened to Syaoran's sobs for a while, like he did when Syaoran first woke to realize his father had really been there and all his visions shattered. He heard Chul's voice in the background calling to Syaoran and the line went dead.

Sakura might not be enough. Syaoran's despair was too great. And while his last words erased any feelings of reproach Yue had, they increased his fear. He was not sure what Syaoran needed either, but whatever it was, it had better come soon.

Because if it did not they might lose Syaoran forever.