Author's Note: Hello, hello! I hope you all enjoy this chapter. As always, I would love to know what you think. I tried to make the conversations more clear about who was saying what, and I incorporated in some ideas reviewers left. See, reviewing pays off! I do listen to you and I appreciate the time you all take when you review! Hope this chapter makes you laugh to make up from the angst in the previous chapter! I'm trying to keep it balanced.
Disclaimer: I still own nothing. I'm just playing around with Marvel's characters for a while. No infringement intended.
It was a fairly common occurrence. Tony and all of his genius ideas usually involved something blowing up and one of his robots repeatedly using a fire extinguisher on the crisped billionaire. Tony loved to play science with Banner, and that ended in a loud kaboom nine times out of ten. When the explosive sounds from an experiment gone wrong were heard in the common room, Pepper turned a violent shade of red. "God damnit," she shouted. "I just had to convince the city not to evict him because all of his experimental testing. For the love of God, that man, he's going to be the death of me." Natasha offered a sympathetic smile from her over-sized armchair. Pepper continued to grumble but stayed seated. She planned to give Tony an earful later.
Natasha continued to focus on pages of her pregnancy book, occasionally grimacing at descriptions incorporated about giving birth and the fabulous nine months prior to the arrival of the baby. "I'm still pissed I can't drink vodka and I have to monitor my caffeine intake," she grumbled. Pepper smirked at her and sent her a disbelieving look. "Yeah, I know. I know. I don't know how I'm going to survive when I cut back on the caffeine."
"The guys are going to be at the receiving end of a lot of injuries," Pepper mused. When the floor shook again, the taller woman threw her book down on the couch. "For the love of God, again!"
"That one was different," she mused. "JARVIS," Natasha called, "was that a sonic arrow?" The AI confirmed affirmatively and that sent the assassin reeling towards the elevator. "Son of a bitch, I'll kill him."
"We are killing them, yes?" Pepper asked as she followed by the redheaded agent.
When the elevator doors slid open, Pepper took in the damage to the lab. The glass tables had shattered. A few of the cars in the adjacent garage sported cracks in the windshields and windows. The three men had on what looked to be large headphones. Tony rubbed the back of his head sheepishly as he turned slowly in a circle, surveying the damage. Banner focused on his heart monitor and trying to calm his pulse. Barton slipped the headphones off before sliding his hearing aids out and throwing them on the closest non-glass counter. By the time Pepper had looked at everything and mentally calculated the sum of money it would take to fix this particular level of the lab, Natasha was fuming. The agent had her hands posed on her hips as she fixed Barton with a withering glare.
"Oh look. Agent Mommy, did your pregnancy book teach you that? Because, darling, you've perfected the 'mom' stance," Stark teased. Banner elbowed him with a quick silencing look. "Did we interrupt girl time? Painting each others nails and naked pillow fights?" When neither woman immediately started yelling, Stark met each of their gazes worriedly. "JARVIS, what's today's date?"
"July 3, sir."
"Is there a certain symbol marked on the calendar for today's date," Stark asked nervously. When the AI responded affirmatively, the billionaire blanched. He swallowed deeply. "We'll clean it up right now, honey. We're sorry for the disruption. JARVIS, can you make two appointments at the spa? Have Happy drive the ladies. We'll have it all cleaned before you get back," he promised, trying to usher them back into the elevator. The genius had enough sense not to touch Natasha, but he placed a soothing hand on Pepper's back and guided her to the elevator.
"Fix it," she growled. "I just finished convincing the city council that you aren't an annoying asshole of a nuisance. Do you know how much effort went into those negotiations, Tony? Do you know? The city doesn't take too fondly to a lunatic consistently blowing things up with no concern for others!"
"Sonic arrows," Natasha snarled. "Ask that dumb shit how he lost his hearing in the first place." Stark looked panicked as he put two-and-two together. The agent still wore a deadly look on her face. Behind the genius, Barton's eyes widened as he paled slightly.
When the elevator doors closed whisking the women away to the lobby where a car waited to take them to a relaxing spa far away from Avengers Tower, Stark turned around. "It's Satan's trifecta!"
"What are you talking about," Banner asked, already locating a broom to start sweeping up shards of glass.
"Symbol on a calendar," Barton muttered to himself. "That symbol doesn't happen to be a small red circle, does it?" Stark nodded grimly. "Well fuck. Shouldn't you know not to blow shit up when your girlfriend is on her period?"
"Again, what is Satan's trifecta," Banner repeated.
"The women in the tower are all experiencing randomized hormonal shifts," Barton explained tactfully.
"Stop beating around the bush. This is hell. Pepper is on her period, and because of his stupid swimmers, Spidey is pregnant. In other words, all of us are dead."
"You know a trifecta is the combination of three things, yes? Last I checked there were two women in this house."
"You just wait. One of them will scream at you for doing something you didn't even realize you were doing. When you become a victim of one their hormonal time bombs, you will understand why one of them counts at least twice. I mean Romanov is pregnant. That counts double. Normal pregnant women are terribly unstable. Romanov… well, she's far from normal. She willingly married that idiot," Stark pointed at Barton as if that was explanation in and of itself.
"Hey, don't you have a lab to be fixing, asshat?" Barton retorted throwing him the phone to call the clean-up crew.
"Don't start with me. I'm about to be at the deadly end of your wife's thigh choke because you didn't tell me that sonic arrows are a no-no to play with!"
"Sonic arrows are always a no-no to play with," Banner interjected with a roll of his eyes. "Always, Stark. Always a no-no."
"I'm just saying, Hawk Boy could have given us a heads-up that Spidey would kill us if she knew we were playing with sonic arrow tips to add to his quiver."
"Yeah, don't tell her we're adding them to my quiver. She'll actually kill all of us."
"I doubt anyone would blame her," Banner commented thoughtfully.
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When Pepper walked back into the tower, she was feeling much more relaxed. Her massage left her feeling quite happy. She wanted to hang on to that feeling of bliss as long as possible, so she avoided any of the lab floors like the plague. There was a vase of flowers sitting on the desk of her office with a box of chocolate. "There is always this benefit of Tony Stark keeping track of my cycle," she mused to herself as she snatched one from the box. She changed clothes before heading back down to the common area to finish her book.
"Hey Pepper," Barton greeted as she walked in. "Is Natasha back too?"
"She didn't stay at the spa. She went somewhere to blow off some steam. I'm assuming her version of blowing off steam includes guns and hand-to-hand combat, so I decided to stick with my spa appointments. She isn't exactly happy with you."
"She said that," he asked dumbfounded.
"Not in so many words. I don't have to tell you that she's a tightlipped person. Let me tell you a story, Clint. After we got Tony back, he worked on that suit constantly. He nearly blew himself up numerous times. That whole situation is part of the reason we have an on-call medical team. He couldn't understand why I was so upset. That suit reminded me of where he had been, what had happened to him, what he lost. For the three months he was held hostage, I cried for him. I wanted him back. That suit reminded me of the pain I felt for his loss. Now, a lot of good has come from that suit, it's not associated with so many bad memories, but still, there are days when he's down there blowing stuff up that I remember how close I came to losing him. Give her some time, and remember she can't kill you. She wants your child to have a father."
"Well fuck," he mumbled for the second time that day as Pepper took her tea and retreated to the couch to relocate her book.
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When he walked into their suite hours later, he crawled onto the bed and promptly fell asleep sprawled across it. He completed his usual training routine and then some after he left Pepper in the common room. His muscles screamed at him unhappily. His body had been far past the point of "enjoying the burn" when he gave in and stumbled through the tower. When he felt her hands running through his hair, he caught her hand and pressed a sweet kiss to the inside of her wrist. "Tasha," he murmured sleepily.
"Come on. You need a shower. Then you can go back to bed and actually sleep in it like a normal person." He grumbled but shuffled gracelessly towards the bathroom. She flipped on the water as he stripped. The idea of a shower seemed better when it looked like he was getting to shower with her, but she ushered him inside and then walked back to the bedroom. His military training kicked in as four minutes later, despite sleep bleeding into the edges of consciousness, he finished toweling off. She tossed a pair of boxers at his head as he switched off the light. Haphazardly stepping into them and situating them on his hips, he fell back clumsily on the bed in a similar position to the one she had originally found him in. "You can't form your little nest of sheets and pillows if you're on top of the covers."
He grinned at her drowsily. "You're pretty."
"You can't cuddle if you're not under the covers, idiot." She explained though there was clearly a smile in her voice.
"I do not cuddle," he quickly objected.
"Oh really? So when you try and turn me into a giant teddy bear, what is it you're doing?"
"I'm," he paused as he tried to come up with something that sounded more manly than cuddling. "I'm protectively transferring bodily heat. I'm keeping you warm," he reasoned.
"Yes, because we're in such a danger of freezing to death here in our warm suite in Avengers Tower. Try again."
"I'm a man, Tasha. I do not cuddle."
"Is snuggle a more masculine verb then?"
"Shut up," he snorted as he wiggled himself around until he was under the covers. They both knew that no matter what word they called it, Barton would wake up with his body haphazardly across hers. They both knew the other felt comforted by the habit, even if neither would admit it. "Go to sleep, Tasha," he mumbled as he pulled her closer.
"Night, snuggle bunny." She mocked with a teasing smirk, as she situated her body against his.
"No," he declared vehemently as he draped his arm protectively over her stomach, closing all the gaps between their spooning bodies. "No. If I can't call you dumpling, you can't call me snuggle bunny."
"Ha," she laughed. "Go to sleep, Snuggle Bunny."
"Love you Dumpling," he whispered against her shoulder as he drifted off into sleep, barely feeling the elbow she sent flying into his stomach.
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(8 and ½ months later)
"Are you out of your ever loving mind?"
"Why does the cradle need legs," he rebutted.
"Why does the cradle need legs," Natasha mocked. "The cradle needs legs because without legs, it's a hanging death trap. I'm not putting our baby in a bag that hangs from the ceiling!"
"It's like a hammock. It's not a bag!"
"If it looks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's a duck!" she retorted. "Build the damn cradle, Clint."
"Cradles don't talk! Your metaphor doesn't make sense," he yelled after her as the door to the nursery closed. "I'm going to pay for that one later," he grumbled to himself as he collapsed on the floor in a pile of loose screws and wood pieces.
When the door opened again, he almost ducked for cover thinking his pregnant wife was back to strangle him with the hammock he wanted to hang. "We are here to help you construct the nursery," Thor boomed happily.
"What he means is those of who can wield tools without destroying things are here to help you build the nursery," Captain clarified at Barton's skeptical look. Thor looked crestfallen. "Here, Thor. You can fold clothes. You can't break clothes. I take that back," he continued immediately. "If you try your hardest, you won't break the clothes. Banner will help you with the crib. I will do the changing table, and Stark will put together the rocking chair." The superhero called out the plays like they were at war.
Stark moaned. "Why can't I just buy all the furniture already put together? This is boring. I could be building the baby a miniature robot suit."
"What did we say about making a mini-Iron Man suit for the assassins' infant?" Banner prompted.
"That I'm not allowed to. You take the fun out of everything," Stark rebutted with a juvenile pout.
"Is your child meant to be this small," Thor questioned, holding up a onesie in a fist. "This tunic is smaller than my hand."
"Human children are typically small," Captain nodded with a smile.
"I was thinking of baby names," Stark interrupted. "Anthony if it's a boy and Antonia if it's a girl."
"For the last time, they are not naming their child after you. Right," Captain asked for confirmation hopefully.
"Trust me, Cap. I refuse to have a son named Tony."
"See, he didn't reject the female version! It's still on the table," Stark cheered excitedly.
"Build the damn rocking chair. Antonia is not on the table for a girl's name either," Barton silenced the eccentric older man.
"So what are you thinking for names? I mean the baby's right around the corner," Banner stated.
"We haven't really talked about it."
"She threatened me with a nipple. I thought it would be a great way to die until I figured out she wasn't talking about her nipples but nipples for the baby bottle," Stark grumbled.
"Touch my wife's nipples and you will become the latest target practice for my exploding arrow heads," Barton threatened.
"What did you do to make her threaten you with nipples," Banner asked curiously. "It's creative which means whatever you did must just be fodder for entertainment."
"Can we please stop saying the word nipple in passing conversation like it's normal," Captain pleaded, his face a brilliant red.
"What is a baby bottle nipple," Thor wondered aloud. "On Asgard, the women breastfeed their young. There are no bottles for the young. Nipples, yes, but no bottle nipples.
"I asked her if she was planning on breastfeeding. I suggested she could walk around topless if that would make her more comfortable. I really had her best interests at heart," Tony explained. "No, Captain, it's the 21st century. Nipples are part of everyday conversations. Vaginas are too."
"Stark, stop it. He's going to burst a blood vessel. We just got him to stop referring to sex as fondue. You're going to make him regress," Banner chided as if he was talking to a petulant child.
"We have vaginas and nipples on Asgard," Thor confirmed. Barton laughed aloud as Rogers face turned a more violent shade of red.
"New topic," Banner declared. "Anything else. Literally any other topic will suffice."
"Do you not like nipples," Stark asked. "You're a red-blooded male. You should have a healthy appreciation for a woman's figure."
"I'm with Banner. Any other topic imaginable will do," Captain practically begged from where he sat cowering behind the changing table box. "What else do you need to buy before the baby arrives?"
Barton decided to take pity on his overly embarrassed friend and pulled a crumpled list out of his pocket. He looked as if he was going to start reading it aloud, but tossed it towards the captain instead. "The better question is what don't I need to buy before the baby arrives."
"I have an idea," Stark proclaimed.
"No you don't. Sit down," Banner interrupted.
"It's a good idea," the genius defended.
"I highly doubt that," Captain countered.
"Have I told you every single one of you sucks?"
"Today? No. This week, about forty six times. Build the rocking chair," Banner instructed motioning with his screwdriver towards the still dismantled pieces of wood.
"My idea is good. Shut up and listen. Barton and I will go get everything on the list. We can leave the prudes to build the furniture." Stark finished explaining and looked smug. Captain raised his eyebrows in contemplation while sharing a look with Banner and Barton.
"What am I to do," Thor asked hopefully. "I can construct something," he insisted. "I will not break anything."
"There is a bookshelf and a toy chest that need to be put together," Barton mused. "Break them and Natasha will maim you." Thor clapped happily as he moved over to the two sealed boxes. "Let's go, Stark. I'm driving."
"It was my idea," Stark whined. "I get to drive," he declared petulantly.
"Stop bickering or one of your women will swoop in and hit you both," Banner reminded them with a teasing smirk as they left the room. "And now we can have an actual conversation and get these things built in a timely manner," he concluded happily.
"Thank goodness," Captain sighed in relief.
"I can make PopTarts," Thor exclaimed before running from the room to make snacks.
Banner couldn't help but laugh. Soon Captain had joined in on the laughter. "Oh my god, this child is going to grow up in a legitimate world of crazy."
"Just wait until Stark has one. Then it's just going to be worse. You know how Barton and Stark bicker. Imagine how it's going to be when it's their children bickering."
"I'm actually equal parts terrified and excited to see that."
"We've saved the world, and we're scared of the children to come," Captain mused humorously.
"And rightfully so. It's logical to be fearful when we know the parents as well as we do," Banner explained. "A few more weeks and we'll have a pint sized Black Widow wailing through the tower." He paused for a second. "Remind me to ask Stark about getting the sound proofing updated."