"That didn't take long. I expected you to hang around down there at least a few hours," Jesse says from behind Xander. Xander is standing in the backyard of his childhood home.
"What's happening to me, Jesse?" Xander asks, turning around.
"Honestly, I don't have a clue. My guides upstairs, they aren't real sure either. You should be dead by now. The magic should have dissolved your organs," Jesse shrugs. "So we know you're special, but we can't figure out what you are. It's nothing new."
"What?" Xander asks, confused.
"I said, it's nothing new. Ever since Buffy and the rest of you started your little crusade, nothing in the prophecies and old texts have told us anything. You guys have fucked up the cosmos and even The Powers That Be aren't sure of what's going on."
"Jesse…" Xander starts, more confused.
"Are you listening to me, Xander? We don't know," Jesse says, frustrated.
Xander sighs and sinks to the soft grass, sitting down.
"You okay?"
Xander glances down at his shaking hands. "Am I ever going to be okay again?"
Jesse sits down beside him. "You're not making this easy. What were you thinking down there? Taking Willow's addiction? Do you have any idea of what that's going to do to you?"
"Nope. Seems like you and your Powers don't have any idea either," Xander replies, depression sinking into his cells, weighing him down. He feels himself start to spin.
"Xander? What are you doing?" Jesse's voice is distant.
Xander starts to panic as he realizes that he is spiraling faster into the darkness.
"Xander. You have to focus. You have to keep yourself grounded to whatever plane you're on…" The voice is quiet but reaches Xander's ears.
"Tara?"
"Focus, Xander, focus on something besides me…" The voice is louder.
Xander steels himself and focuses on Jesse. He hits the ground with a thump, Jesse standing beside him.
"What the hell was that all about?" Jesse asks, startled.
"You really think I know?" Xander retorts. "I was spinning and spinning…then I heard Tara…"
"Tara? You heard Tara?" Jesse gasps. "Damn, that was close."
"What do you mean?" Xander questions.
"You're slipping between planes of existence…see, your reality is one plane…this is another one…where Tara is, well, that's another one…you shouldn't go to that one quite yet…" Jesse's explanation is jumpy, as if his attention is elsewhere.
"Jesse?"
"Hang on a sec, Xander, I'm getting a bulletin…" Jesse replies, turning away.
"A bulletin? Damn. I need one of those…" Xander says, as he starts to spin again. This time, he isn't as frightened. He thinks he knows where he needs to go for his answers.
"Xander, wait!" Jesse calls, but Xander has spiraled somewhere else.
***
"Anya? What are you making?" Buffy asks, walking into Xander's kitchen and finding her sister and Anya sprinkled in flour.
"Biscuits. Pancakes. Pie crusts," Anya replies, her voice a whisper.
"We're making everything on the back of the Bisquix box. Xander doesn't have much food around here," Dawn explains.
"Anya. He's going to be okay." Buffy says to Anya's back.
"How would you know, Buffy?" Anya turns around, startling her. "He hasn't been okay in a long time…" She starts to cry again.
"Anya, what do you mean?" Buffy asks, confused.
"He's so sad…he used to be happy, at least some part of himself was happy, he was happy to be doing what he's doing, it gave him some purpose…but lately…you haven't seen how he's changed? He does everything out of habit, not because it matters to him…the only things that matter to him now are you and Willow…" Anya loses her breath. "He doesn't care about himself anymore…he's full of hate, he doesn't think that he matters…"
"Anya, no, you don't think that…he doesn't think that," Buffy tries to comfort the demon.
"I see him sometimes…late at night, I see him walking around and I can tell that he doesn't care anymore…you can see it on his face, in the way that he walks…this is going to kill him…so much power and so much hate…" Anya's eyes flash and she is quiet.
"Anya. Xander is going to make it through this. He's made it through everything…" Buffy starts, trying to cover the shock from Anya's tirade. Dawn glances around, suddenly cautious.
"When will he get a chance? He's a bastard for what he did to me, but he doesn't deserve this…he doesn't deserve this…" Anya trails off.
"Come on. Anya, let's take a walk. Buffy and Willow can finish up in here. Let's go. Now, Anya…" Dawn pulls Anya from the kitchen, urgently.
Willow walks in, glancing at Buffy curiously. "What was that all about? Dawn was pulling her out of here like there was a fire or something."
"I don't know," Buffy replies, honestly.
Willow shivers, hugging herself. "What happened?"
"Anya says…she says that Xander doesn't care anymore. She says that he's just going through the motions but that…that he hates himself…" Buffy replies.
"That's not true!" Willow gasps.
"How would we know, Will?" Buffy leans against the counter, heavily. "I don't think I've had a normal conversation with him in months…I have no idea what he's been going through…"
Willow is silent. "He saved me. He saved me, Buffy, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let him slip away. After he took my pain…" Willow clenches her fists against her chest. "I can feel him inside me. His essence, his light, I can feel it. I'm not giving up on him."
Giles walks into the kitchen, his face drawn with tension.
"Giles? What is it?" Buffy asks.
"A few minutes ago…Xander woke up. He's gone."
"Gone? What do you mean, he's gone?" Willow gasps, paling.
"Oh no, he's not dead, I'm sorry, Willow, I phrased that wrong," Giles apologizes, reassuring her with a hug.
"What do you mean, gone?" Buffy asks.
"He woke up and said that he was feeling fine and that he needed to take a walk. He wouldn't take no for an answer…he told me to wait until he was gone before telling you so you wouldn't follow him. He promised that he would be back within the hour," Giles explains. "I couldn't stop him and he wouldn't tell me what was on his mind."
"Giles, he's been unconscious for days and you just let him walk out?" Willow asks, starting to get upset.
"Willow. He looked fine, well, better. He has been locked up in the house for the last few days," Giles replies.
"He said he needed to take a walk?" Buffy asks, her arm around Willow.
"Yes. Fresh air. He said he would be back in a few minutes and wanted to take a shower," Giles adds.
"Anya and Dawn are taking a walk, too," Buffy says aloud, curious.
Anya and Dawn are standing beside the greening graves of Xander's parents.
"Why are we here, Anya?" Dawn asks.
"I don't know. If something happens to Xander, this is where he'll end up, right?" Anya replies.
"Anya?" Xander calls from behind her.
"Xander!" Anya accepts his arms around her.
"I feel better. I needed to take a walk…"
"How'd you know we were here?" Dawn questions.
"I just did. I don't think I'm the same old Xander anymore. I can sense things."
"What things?" Anya asks, pulling away from his embrace.
Xander shrugs. "I knew you were upset…I know Dawn's really tired and worried about everybody…she also has one of the same questions on her mind as you…"
"What?" Dawn asks, curiously.
"Is Clark going to fly on Smallville this season…" Xander smiles slightly.
"I love that show," Anya nods, agreeing.
"Wow, Xander, you can read minds…" Dawn gasps.
"Sort of…back at the apartment…there were so many emotions coming at me from everyone…its overwhelming," Xander admits.
Anya looks at Xander, sadly. She reaches out and gently touches his face. "It's hurting you…why are you in pain, Xander?"
"I haven't figured it all out yet, Anya, but I think I'm going to live through this, at the least, and I don't want you to worry, okay?" Xander answers, shaking slightly.
"Okay. We should all be happy for a while. I'm tired of being scared and sad," Anya sighs, accepting Xander's explanation.
"Deal," Xander replies. He puts an arm around Anya and Dawn's shoulders and they start back toward the apartment.
"Are you really okay, Xander?" Dawn asks.
"I'm feeling much better. Promise." Xander smiles.