Part One Freshman Year

Chapter Three

I'm surrounded by laughter. The room feels just a tad too hot and the air is thick with the smell of perfume and beer. We're on winter break and the beautiful people of Wilson High need no excuse to party. I arrived here tonight determined. This is my night. I'm Helga G. Pataki, let's get this party started.

Now I feel like a ghost. Fake smile plastered on my face, forever the silent observer. Rhonda is in the corner, holding court, circled by Harold and his band of goons. Lila is sitting on the couch performing her southern belle act. Derek as usual is the center of attention. He's every girl's dream. He is animated and funny and constantly has that smirk of a smile on his face. He's a lovable prankster with a story for every situation. Everyone loves him.

Of course I love him. Of course.

But it's the kind of love that leaves me disappointed. I always thought that when you were in love, it would always be right there, staring you in the face, reminding you every moment that you love this person. That you can't live without this person. It isn't always like that. Sometimes I have to tell myself I love Derek because I don't feel it. In these moments my mind betrays me and I think of Arnold. I can't help but think that if Arnold and I were together I would know, just know that I loved him. I would know I loved him just like I know my heart beats. Because it's always there.

But that's a fairy tale and this is real life.

And real life can be disappointing.

"Baby sister! Come on, you're going to make us late!" screamed Olga from downstairs.

I'm staring at my reflection in the mirror trying to fool myself into thinking I can do this. This is our first Christmas without Bob and on the outside the Pataki's are fine, just fine thank you. My mom, Miriam Pataki, sober and running Pataki Family Electronics (formally Big Bob's Beepers) with a grace and sternness that would make her late husband beam with pride. My older sister, Olga Pataki, forever the star as a successful classic pianist and wife to one of the "Men to Watch Under 40". And of course yours truly, Helga Pataki, on track to be the cheerleading squad's youngest captain, holder of the highest GPA in the class, and generally worshipped by all.

But I can see my mom's gaze flicker to the empty liquor cabinet with a hunger that has nothing to do with food. I can see the bags under my sister's eyes she tried so hard to cover with concealer. I don't know what they see in me. I've gotten really good at looking perfect.

And now we're on our way to the boarding house where hopefully my mother and sister will find some happiness. And me, well, I'll just try to avoid Arnold and pretend some more.

"Oh my God, Helga! You look so pretty! Like something straight out of a magazine! Come here sweetie!" Susie exclaims, pulling me into one of her bone-crushing hugs. I breath in the smell of her and feel my shoulders relax.

Susie is one of the strongest women I know. She reminds me of Arnold in the way I find comforting. She's the eternal optimist. She handled her divorce with a win some, loose some attitude that infuriated her ex-husband. She runs the boarding house and takes care of Arnold's grandparents without compliant. She treats Arnold with all the gentleness of a mother and I love her for it.

I've missed her.

"Helga, sweetie, why don't you go help Arnold set the table? Miriam, Olga I can use your help in the kitchen. I'm trying to replicate your stuffing recipe, but I just can't seem to get it right!" sighed Susie.

Needing no direction, I head for the dining room, trying to remember to breathe. It's really no big deal. So what, we're not friends. I have a full life, an amazing life. Today is just like any other day.

Arnold is setting the dining room table with what I recognize as his grandparent's wedding china. He's wearing a red sweater that would look dorky on any other guy but makes him look like a Calvin Klein model. He's humming a tune I can't quite put my finger on. I cough and he looks up.

Oh God, not the eyes. My stomach is in knots and I silently beg him to stop staring. There's a look in his eyes I can't identify. It's giving me goosebumps and I want him to look away.

"You want to take a picture, Arnold? Because I charge $50 a shot." I snap at him. What is wrong with me?

His eyes widen and he immediately looks down at his hands. He's blushing furiously. "Sorry, Helga. Ummm, I just wanted to say...you look nice." he mumbles.

I do look pretty. My hair is down, in tight ringlet curls. It's pushed off my face with a dark red velvet ribbon. I'm wearing a long sleeved dark red, lace dress that comes about mid-thigh. Fishnet stockings and glittery black heels complete the look. I'm very 1950's Hollywood starlet. And even though I know I look amazing, his comment still sucks the very breath out of my lungs. I can't respond. All I can do is stare at him, my jaw hanging open.

So I say nothing. Silence still being my preferred method of communication when it comes to Arnold. As I lay down napkins at each place setting he's created he starts humming that tune again and I still can't breathe. My wind is a whirlwind. Why is he doing this? This killing me with kindness act is wearing thin. He should hate me, ignore me. I deserve it.

It's funny when I look back, there are so many versions of just one memory, and yet none of them are right or wrong. Instead they are pieces that only when fitted together, edge to edge, could begin to tell the whole story.

At dinner, Susie lets me have a glass of wine. It makes me feel giddy and light-headed. The boarders all make cracks calling me being a a snobby cheerleader and I entertain everyone by making up goofy cheeers about them. They boost about Arnold's straight A's and prize winning paintings. Including one about the girl gazing at the stars. He blushes, but doesn't say much. He looks happy though. Happy that everyone else is happy. Typical Arnold.

Miriam and Susie talk about every Christmas they can ever remember and compare them to this Christmas. They proclaim it to be the best Christmas ever and my mom is truly smiling for the first time in months.

I wish I could believe them that this is the best Christmas ever, but I can't. Because they're wrong. It was last Christmas. The Christmas before everything changed.

It snowed the night before Christmas Eve that year. I had a new baby blue winter coat and mittens that match my sparkly blue scarf. Arnold and I spent all day outside building a whole snow family and making angels in the middle of the street. Susie made us hot chocolate and sugar cookies and Arnold let me win at Monopoly. After dinner when the adults were having coffee and watching It's a Wonderful Life, we went to the rooftop. It was still lightly snowing and I was in a state of complete bliss. I twirled around the rooftop singing.

"Now you're my whole life. Now you're my whole world. I just can't believe the way I feel about you. We'll look back someday at this moment that we're in and I'll look at you and say and I thought I loved you then"

"Helga." he whispered. I stopped twirling and sat beside him, smiling wide.

"You have such a beautiful voice. Very heavenly." he said, half-lidded gaze on my face. I snuggled in closer and shivered. He took his red scarf off and wrapped it around my neck. "My very own Christmas angel," he said as we looked at the stars.

At home I still have that scarf. And that tune Arnold was humming, was that song.

A/N: I really, really want to say thank you to all of you that took the time to read and review my story. The stuff you guys said really gave me an amazing, wonderful feeling. So this chapter goes out to all of you especially WatchTheQueenConquer, September-Stray, and ! I know I'm probably killing you guys with the "what happened to Arnold and Helga" and I'm sorry. Bits and pieces wil start to emerge in the coming chapters. Helga's still in the 'stuff down and deny' phase and this is after all mostly her show :-)

Oh and before I forget

Disclaimer: I don't own Hey Arnold! or "Then" by Brad Paisley. Just secret borrowing them I swear.

Hope you guys enjoyed this. I have a pretty light weekend so I might have something up tomorrow.

Kisses! xox,

Girl With The Broken Smile or Vanessa, as my parents like to call me