I don't own Hetalia or the following jokes. They belong to Hidekaz Himaruya and Steven Wright, respectively.
"I wonder what's taking him so long," America says thoughtfully, his thumb and index finger rubbing his chin.
"It's been two hours, and for something like this, the fact that it's only been two hours is pretty good," England responds.
"But I'm bored!" The American receives unamused and disapproving glares from everyone in the room. "Hey, does Austria have WiFi?"
"It's veak, but ja," Prussia answers.
"Awesome!" That being said, America takes out his laptop and starts typing furiously.
"Wow, I haven't seen him type this fast since that time he used Google in 1942," England mutters disbelievingly.
"Attend, you can't Google stuff in 1942!" Canada states.
"I do what I want biatch!" America says automatically.
"Ugh, the déjà vu is real," England mutters, holding his head in his hand.
"Bros, I just found this really funny joke."
"Let's hear it," France says reasonably.
"Sure, but if it isn't funny, I'm gonna have to hit you with a frying pan," Hungary agrees, giving a condition with it.
"Fine," America says. He pauses to clear his throat, and in the most monotonous tone he could muster, he says, "I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add."
"C'est drôle*, but still not as funny as Charlie Chaplin," France chuckles.
"It was okay," Hungary says, "but not as funny as you said. Do you have any more?"
"Absolutely brah!" America replies loudly. Once more, he clears his throat and in a monotonous voice, he says, "Atheism is a nonprophet organization."
"Okay, that was kind of funny," England chuckles, ignoring the laughter coming from Canada and Prussia.
"Ugh, I'm so hyper," America continues, now droning. "I poured spot remover on my dog, and now he's gone."
"Bro, zhese are AWESOME!" Prussia manages to shout through his lashing fit. "I mean, not as awesome as me, but close enough. Are zhere any more for zhe Awesome Me to enjoy?"
"Why do you keep capitalizing the word 'Awesome'?" England asks out of the blue. "I mean, it's an adjective!"
"I'm using it as a title," Prussia shrugs. "I'm just zhat awesome. And how can you tell when a vord capitalized?"
"We all can, especially when you put such heavy emphasis on it."
"I use the same amount of emphasis on it ALL!"
"No you don't, and that sentence is proof."
"That is bullsh-"
"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor," America says, using another Steven Wright joke. Immediately afterward, he clicks something on his laptop that begins to play music.
"Why are they in heels?" asks Hungary. She is currently looking at the screen, indeed seeing shirtless men in heels. "Wow, that muscle though. They look like they could put some yaoi to shame!"
"Quoi*?" Canada asks, walking over to see the screen. "Hey, isn't that that Ukranian band known for dancing in heels?"
"Yeah," America answers. "They're called Kazaky. Ukraine recommended this to me over YouTube."
"Damn, zhey could put some of our men to shame," Prussia mutters after walking over to look at the video. "Zhankfully, I am too awesome to be put shame by zhem."
"Uh, how can they put your men to shame if Prussia was dissolved in 1945?" Canada asks innocently.
"Who said that?" England inquires, looking around frantically.
"Canada," Prussia sighs. "Geez, you'd zhink zhe man who sees Flying Mint Bunnies vould not be so frightened by somezhing real."
"It's only one Flying Mint Bunny, thank you very much!"
"Vhatever. Anyvay, to answer your question, Canada, I became East Germany."
"But you guys were reunited," Canada states.
"And it feels so good," America sings, his hands over his heart.
"Seriously?" England questions, facepalming.
"Yeah, bro."
"Git."
"If you're talking about America, zhen I agree," Austria says, walking back in with a map.
"So, did you call off the search?" America asks, his voice full of hope.
"Yes, but vith lots of trouble. My boss is not happy about it, but it's done. Also, I convinced him to have the café here."
"Great! Can we have it in Mariazell?"
"I guess, but due to it being a small city, zhere vill be a chance zhat humans vill come. Ve'll have to use our human names."
"Vow," Prussia breathes. "Luckily, mein human name is awesome, just like-"
"Nobody cares," England interrupts.
"You don't know zhat."
"Hey guys," America speaks up, typing on his computer furiously, "I think I found a grassy area right outside of Mariazell."
"Vhere is zhis 'grassy area' exactly?" Austria asks suspiciously, his eyes narrowing.
"All around the city." Austria facepalms from the answer.
"You could at least be specific. Und not all of it is grassland!"
"Brah, this is your city; you can choose the right place."
"As long as it's in or near Mariazell," England adds.
"Ugh, fine," Austria hesitantly agrees. "But if my Mariazell becomes curlier, I'm sending somevone after you."
"And who could zhat person be?" Prussia asks cockily.
"Zhat's not important."
"Actually, I would like to know aussi," France states.
"I hate you guys."
"I bet it's Hungary," America bets, "especially when she has her frying pan."
"Zhat makes sense," Prussia muses.
"It really does," Hungary seconds, receiving a surprised look from the Austrian. "Think about all the times I had to save you, including the times I was your servant."
"I'm sorry, but I zhought zhis vas about zhe café," Austria says, trying to change the subject.
"It was, but we all became curious," Canada replies, shrugging.
"I didn't even hear you speak."
"No one does."
"Vhatever, Canadia. Anyvay, does anyvone have a design for zhe building?"
"I do," America answers. "However, it's getting late. Is it cool if we can go to bed?"
"Can you at least show me the design?" Austria asks the American.
"I don't feel like loading it. I'll show it to you tomorrow."
"For all zhe zhings I've had to do for you today, it's the least you could do."
"Puh-lease?"
"Just show it to him," England demands, his patience getting thinner.
"Fine, fine," America caves. One more, he begins typing away on his computer and after a few minutes, a 3D design of their café appearing on his screen.
"Wow, zhat's nice," Austria admits, looking at the screen in awe. The other countries come to look as well, similar looks on their faces.
"I know, right?" the American replies, a smug look on his face. "So, when do you think we can start building the café?"
"Vhen do you plan to open it?"
"Next week," Canada answers for him.
"Who are you?" Kumajiro asks the Canadian.
"I'm Canadia."
"Okay, Canadia," Austria says hesitantly, "you do know zhat ve can't build somezhing zhat fast, right?"
"Don't worry; I'll just get the guys from 'Extreme Makeover: Home Edition,' " America replies, waving a hand dismissively.
"Vhat's 'Extreme Makeover: Home Edition'?"
"It was an American TV show that built homes for the needy in a week, but I think I could get them to give us a hand here. All I need is a ready location, and we'll be good."
"Fine, I'll give you a location tomorrow, and hopefully you can fly zhem out in a couple of days."
"Okay! Now, can we go to bed? I'm bor-, I mean I'm tired."
"Sure you did," England mutters.
"Shut up Limey."
"I can't believe that it's already time to reveal the café to the world," America says disbelievingly to France, Canada, and England. It is the day of the meeting in Vienna, and they are being forced to reveal their plan by Germany. Currently, they are standing outside the doors of the meeting room, preparing themselves even further to present their idea. "So, are you guys ready?"
"Yes, I believe so," England replies.
"Oui aussi," France follows.
"Yes," Canada replies quickly.
"Great! So, I have to wonder when we'll have to present," America ponders aloud.
"After I present zhe agenda for today's meeting," Germany says to the American, walking up to the blond quartet. Behind Germany is an exhausted Austria, who was holding the German's hand.
"Uh, dude, why is Austria holding your hand? Also, why are you presenting the agenda if Austria's hosting the meeting?" America asks the German.
"Vone, Austria is an incredibly slow walker und I practically had to drag him here. Two, ve all know how disorderly zhe meetings go, especially vhen I'm not in charge or shouting 'shut up' to everyvone."
"Wait, Austria's a slow walker?" The American begins to laugh, causing a peeved look to grow on the Austrian's face.
"It isn't funny," Austria says defensively. "Besides, you walk slower than Germany!"
"But we all walk faster than you XD!" America says, laughing even harder.
"Wait a minute," England mutters to no one in particular, "did America actually say 'XD' for the sake of using an emoticon?"
"Probably," Canada replies, managing to hear the Brit over the American's laughter.
"Oh Jesus, was that a ghost?"
"No, it was Flying Mint Bunny," the Canadian replies sarcastically.
"You don't sound like Flying Mint Bunny."
"There's more of those things in England's imagination?" America asks, cutting into the conversation. "Wow brah, you've really gone over the edge."
"I have not lost anything!"
"Je ne sais pas, Angleterre,*" France says uncertainly, receiving a dirty glare from the Brit. "I mean, you've never seemed to 'ave it togezher."
"At least I'm not some douche Frog!" With this, the rivals begin to bicker, America laughing at their fighting and Canada watching with nothing better to do. In the background, Germany and Austria look at the FACE family with unsurprised looks, the former's head in his hand.
"Dummkopfs," Germany mutters, "all of zhem."
"Indeed," Austria agrees. "So, should ve go in und leave zhem, or..."
"Ve can go, as soon as I shut zhem up." The German fixes his tie and walks up to France, England, and America with an irked face. He clears his throat right before he shouts: "VILL YOU DUMMKOPFS SHUT UP?" This grabs their attention. "Ve have a meeting to start soon, and you vill be presenting your project shortly after zhe meeting begins. Austria und I are going in; vill you be joining us or vill you stay out here un act like idiots?"
"We'll be going in, I guess," America says in a slightly disappointed tone. The others murmur in agreement.
"Good. Let's go." The five other countries follow, walking in a straight line with Austria somehow father away than he was before.
Translations:
C'est drôle = It's funny
Quoi? = What?
Je ne sais pas, Angleterre = I don't know, England
Okay guys, I'm sorry that I haven't updated in a while. I've recently been working on a reading list and I've started to learn more about Eurovision. Why don't we have something like that in the Americas? I mean, that would be awesome!
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this!