Alive Again.
By C S Sinclair.
Chapter Four.
There was rain in the air. A few spots had blown against Jill's cheek, causing her to leave her blissed out state. Wakened from her daydream, she looked about with miserable recollection at the squalor of the alley. One of the grandest department stores in the city, truly beautiful inside, and it still had something like this round the side… no surprise that she considered it such an old friend now. Beauty and ugliness… the Umbrella specialty. She smiled sadly at this thought – no matter how hard she had tried, she had still been living by their rules…
In the street outside, cars blared past, as crowds of people shuffled hither and thither. Mothers with prams, businessmen on their mobiles, gangs of kids dodging school… life. And as always, she was just a few steps away, but millions of miles from their lives. The lack of sleep made it seem even more grotesque than usual, so loud and noisy, so full of trivial concern.
She'd tried; she really had tried to fit back into all this. After all, even this simple scene could hardly speak more loudly of the need to forget, to move on. After the events in Raccoon City, you might have supposed the world would wake up to what Umbrella (amongst others) had done. But the world these people lived in, that they wanted to see, had no time for such monstrous fantasies.
This had been made perfectly clear when the government had leveled Raccoon City. People didn't want to know about it, to deal with anything like that. So instead of killing the cancer, they killed the patient and as a people, moved on as if nothing had ever happened. And as much as she had wanted Umbrella to pay for what they had done, she had just wanted to forget, to be part of the world again. But they knew - they always did. She was 'other', she was different. The slap from Charlotte was no different from the missile strike – they just didn't want her kind.
But now, being so different and separate didn't seem so bad. After all the pain and the misery that Umbrella had brought into her life, they'd finally given her something good… Ada. The woman she was now, the woman that Ada was now: they'd never have met without the company. Without the diabolical scheming and insane fantasizing of lunatics like Sir Spencer, Wesker, the Ashfords etc, they would have been different people. So many people had died, so much of her had been broken inside… but it was still a fair trade, she thought with defiant happiness.
"You hear that, you bastards?" she thought aloud to herself. "After all you tried to do to me, you gave her to me - and I'm not giving her back!"
Tossing aside her cigarette, she pushed up and straightened her uniform. As she did so, she became aware she was being watched – Charlotte was standing, arms folded with a look of utter hatred at the mouth of the alley.
"Break's over, Valentine. Back inside, now!" she snarled.
Without a word, Jill took one last look around, and pushed past her into the street. Jogging lightly to distance herself from the hateful harpy behind her, she climbed the steps and swung open one of the huge front doors to the store.
The store blazed with light and sound, so vast and alive. Jill always felt so small in here, like she could go into the aisles and just lose herself from the crowd. Perhaps it wasn't helpful in the great scheme of things, to immerse herself in such a place, but it was easier than dealing with the outside world. Overhead, the crystal chandeliers gleamed in welcome, reflecting like stars.
The powerful scents from the perfume counters assaulted her as they always did, so vivid but slightly unreal… more stuff of illusion. Marie looked up from where she was serving an older woman and waved cheerily at her. Jill nodded awkwardly, and hurried into the main store. She caught a glimpse of Charlotte following her in a mirrored surface on one of the nearby pillars, and turned to cut her off.
"Don't start Charlotte, not again! Just leave it alone, okay?"
It was rare to meet people who were so naturally and openly hostile. Jill often supposed that it was only her inherent dismissal of Charlotte's authority that had kept her from dealing 'Chaz' an accidental, (but not entirely unwelcome) fatal injury. The hatred and irritation she felt right back at Charlotte, could easily cause her to mistake the woman for one of Umbrella's monstrosities…
Charlotte had positioned herself to block Jill's line of sight to Marie. Jill sighed with frustration. She was far too tired for this nonsense…
"You've got some nerve, Valentine! You crawl into work looking like the walking dead, but then I guess we should be grateful you showed up at all, should we?"
Jill turned and walked off along one of the aisles, not even bothering to put up the pretence of interest. Undeterred, Charlotte pursued her, whispering invectives:
"How did you do it then, hmm? Answer me! How did you do it?!"
She'd caught Jill by the arm. Jill yanked it free and gave her a threatening look, which forced her back a step or two. Charlotte's look of angry, righteous rage remained however.
"How did I do what? Look, we didn't do anything, okay? It's your own fault - she comes round because you're always screaming at her and…"
Charlotte whitened with pure fury and looked as though she might try to strike Jill. At that moment however, some customers passed by the aisle, and she shrank back. 'Lucky you, Charlotte' thought Jill. 'That would not have been a wise move…'
Checking the people had moved on, Charlotte snapped back around, hair flying from her face, banshee-like in her wild fever. Jill clenched her fists, trying to calm herself. 'It's only Charlotte, don't do anything.'
"That's not what I meant, you…"
Apparently unable to find a suitable word she could voice where people might hear, she contented herself with a look of deepest loathing.
"How are you even still employed here? Stays up all night screwing other people's girls, and gives it to the boss in the morning to keep her job… you're so dis…AHH!!"
It took Jill a moment to realize what had happened. She'd just sent the neurological command from her brain to her hands, ordering them to grab Charlotte and break her miserable neck, when she'd toppled forwards to the floor…
"Ada!" she exclaimed in surprise.
And there she was, looking radiant in a white dress, looking like she had just stopped off in the real world, not really part of all this at all. Her mousey black hair seeming to crackle with electric anger, she was looking down with venom at Charlotte's blustering figure, and Jill couldn't help but feel a little apprehensive. What was she going to do…?
"Oh, I'm so sorry! I… oh dear!"
She had opened a bottle of perfume she had been carrying and tipped it deliberately over Charlotte, causing the latter to howl in appalled outrage. Jill breathed a sigh of relief – her girl was mad, but not dangerous… today.
"Adi… maybe you should…"
But Ada had bent down to help Charlotte up. She gripped her round the waist and dug the nails of her other hand hard into one of Charlotte's, causing her victim to call out feebly in pain.
"There. No harm done, right? Right?" she hissed at the terrified attendant.
Charlotte looked pleadingly from Ada to Jill, trying to free her hand and pull away. Jill gave her a 'yeah, I'm really going to help you out' look, although she did feel a little guilty. Finally, Charlotte nodded with beaten anger and fear, and Ada released her. Gently smoothing Charlotte's clothes and patting off dust, she was all smiles again. Jill was aware she was probably buying into all those goddess worship clichés you saw in cheap novels and movies, but still… her girl had been something else!
She moved over to her side, to watch as Charlotte scurried away, bumping into customers and staff without apology. Ada slid up to her, leaning into her as they watched. Suddenly, she didn't feel quite so tired… She turned to Ada, inclining her head with a look of mock admonition. Ada flashed a sheepish grin, and shrugged.
"Well, even security guards need protection, sometimes. And anyway, nobody speaks to my girl like that! She was obviously lying anyway... Your boss... isn't a girl, right?"
Jill grinned at her girl's cheek and seized with a joyous energy, lifted her up into the air, swinging her around into the aisle, dancing round in a slow circle, before ending in a long and passionate embrace. The store became a ballroom, the sound of the customers fading into the happy laughter of dancers. Her black shirt and trousers seemed transformed into a tailored suit, and Ada's dress seemed to flow like a gown, silky and enveloping…
"But what are you doing here?" she managed at last, running her hand across Ada's cheek. "We're supposed to be meeting up this evening, aren't we?"
Ada nodded, nuzzling her hand: "I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd come see you. Lucky I did too. Who did that woman think she was, anyway?"
Jill smiled, standing back as some people passed, before taking her girl's hands again: "She's kind of my boss. Luckily, my actual boss is a pretty decent guy... and how cheap do you think I am, anyway?" she finished laughing, cuffing Ada at her feigned look of jealousy.
She ringed her arms around Ada's waist: "I know what Charlotte means in a way though. Sometimes I forget that not all people are bastards that want to take advantage of you. I'm glad you're here though, and she did have it coming - you were amazing!"
They stood a moment in quiet adoration, before Jill turned away quickly, stifling a yawn, at which they both collapsed into hysterics.
"Well that's just what a girl likes to see from her partner" laughed Ada. "Utter boredom at her company!"
Jill shook her head apologetically in amused embarrassment: "I'm sorry; I haven't slept since we…" She pulled Ada to her, moving to follow Ada's face as she looked away in affected outrage, soon finding the smile she was after.
"This evening is going to be something, isn't it?" Ada mused, kissing Jill's hand. "We're both so tired, we can barely stand!"
Jill thought a moment, then with a quick movement, swept Ada up, cradling her in her arms.
"Miss Wong, you are speaking to a woman who went for days with no sleep and little food. You have no idea of the sheer stamina I possess. I think a demonstration will be in order tonight!" she declared in a matter-of-fact voice.
She focused on her girl's face as she said this, conscious that she was actually evoking the old demons. But all she could see was her Ada, feel her soft, comforting weight in her arms. She just wanted to hold her here forever…
"What's wrong?" she asked with sudden concern. Ada's eyes had filled with tears and she was struggling and twisting to be put down, in which Jill reluctantly obliged her.
Ada paced away, pulling away from Jill's tender and enquiring caresses. She looked deeply troubled suddenly, and was wringing her hands and wiping at her face. Jill felt magnetically attracted to her, wanting nothing less than to wrap around her and protect her.
"Adi? What's the matter?" she asked, unsure how much distance she should or even could keep.
Ada looked up at her, and reached out a hand, which Jill grasped in both of hers. She couldn't remember the last time she had ever felt this kind of fear, if she ever had.
"Jill… I… I want to come to your house this evening. To be with you… more than anything I mean."
She looked petrified; her hand was gripping Jill's so tightly, but she kept shying away when Jill tried to get close to her.
"Tell me what's wrong, baby. You're scaring me," pleaded Jill.
Ada flew to her at this, kissing her over her face. Jill was so stunned she staggered backwards and collapsed sitting onto a footstool for support. Ada stood over her, looking down with such love and misery, stroking her hair.
"I… didn't come straight here today" she managed, breaking away and backing up a few steps. She was looking away in shame. Jill felt a cold twisting inside.
"I went to your house… I went after you left for work this morning. I was going…"
"You were to going to break in and look for the stuff on Chris" finished Jill heavily, sinking her elbows onto her knees. Why… what was she supposed to think about this?
"Why are you telling me this, Adi? Why…"
Ada had sunk to her knees and reached out for Jill, but pulled away in shame: "I'm so sorry!" she sobbed. "I was just scared that I was hurting you! I wanted to show you…"
Jill looked up in confusion.
"It wasn't supposed to be this way" explained Ada, somewhat hysterically. "I wanted to have the information by now, so you'd know I wasn't hanging around you for it – so you'd know it's you that I want, not the stupid files!"
Jill thought she was getting it now. It was mixed up thinking, but her girl had actually been doing this for her. She felt her love for Ada flooding through her - she felt like she could take off at any minute.
"I just kept thinking how hurt and confused you looked… because of me. I wanted it out of the way. I didn't want you thinking you had to keep an eye on me, in case I was playing you, in case I went sneaking around looking for information all the time..." Ada continued in a voice that suggested she was scared, but relieved to get it all off her chest.
Jill shook her head and reached out a hand to run along Ada's cheek. Her girl was... well this was a relationship which was plainly going to drive her crazy. But that was okay; it was a wonderful feeling.
"So to stop me thinking that, you went sneaking around looking for information?" laughed Jill with incredulous relief. "I've never known anyone like you, Adi."
She lifted Ada's face up, and stroked her face lovingly: "Did you get what you needed? It's okay, you know; I trust you."
Ada closed her eyes in pained relief, holding Jill's hand to her cheek.
"No" she whispered in a devastated and awe-stricken voice. "No, I couldn't do it… I just couldn't do it."
Jill's mouth fell open in surprise, lost for words. Seeing Ada looking so distraught was killing her – but that she could sort out right now. She bent down and gathered her up, lifting her carefully to sit in her lap. She put her arms round her, and nuzzled her hair. Neither of them cared remotely at this point if anyone saw them.
"You didn't go in, baby?" she finally managed, fresh wonder in her voice.
"I couldn't" sniffed Ada miserably. "I screwed myself up, told myself I was doing it for us, that I wasn't even going to give the information out anyway… and I wasn't, I promise" she added looking up, tears flowing freely.
"Shh, I know, I know" soothed Jill rocking her gently. "So why didn't you? I'd have understood."
"I couldn't get over the threshold. I picked the lock, but I just couldn't make myself go in. I kept thinking how disappointed you'd be. I couldn't stop feeling so disgusted with myself for breaking into your house…"
Ada's voice was cracking badly now, and she was clutching tightly to Jill. It was quite uncomfortable, but Jill wasn't the least concerned with her own pain.
"It's been my life, Jill. Lies and deceit, that's what I had to do all day, every day. False name, false life, everything false. I had to stop caring, to be able to do that."
She looked up at Jill: "But I can't do that with you – it hurts too much. I felt kind of the same around Leon. Do you know him?"
Jill thought a moment: "Leon… Kennedy? Claire mentioned him, I think. Why, what's he got to do with anything?"
Jill was aware she had sounded rather jealous there. The knowledge that she wasn't the first to make Ada feel guilty over her various misdeeds was unwelcome news, however. Ada seemed to understand, and leaned up to kiss her.
"It wasn't like that, not like us. He was just a good man, a good person. It didn't feel right what I had to do, lying to him. It made it hard. But with you it's… I mean I still did deceive Leon, but it hurt. With you, I can't do it at all… because I love you" she finished simply, as if she was in utter awe of the words.
Jill hugged her and mused: "Well I didn't think it was because you thought I'm a really good person!" She soothed Ada, who seemed to think she had hurt Jill's feelings: "Shh! I don't have any illusions about that. I don't consider myself a particularly good person… too much has happened. We're just damaged goods, you and me!" she finished with a cheerful squeeze.
Ada nodded in agreement. Neither was exactly happy with that truism, but it made them feel so very close to each other. Ada took a few minutes to pluck up the courage to finish her story:
"So anyway, I just froze there on the doorstep. Eventually, I gave up; I took a key on the sideboard just inside the door, locked it up again and came here. I was just so guilty… I don't deserve you, but..." (She looked up in earnest) "I'm sorry; please don't... I won't do it again" she finished, burying her head in Jill's chest, clutching at her.
Jill knew right then that she'd never tire of her girl's strange way of thinking: "Heyy, why would I leave you, especially over this? I told you I trust you and I meant it; I know you were only doing it for us – even if I do find it hard to follow your reasoning at times!" (She kissed Ada affectionately to show it was a compliment). "Anyway, I can't leave you – we aren't even seeing each other yet, really! We've skipped quite enough stages as it is, don't you think?"
Ada shuffled and resettled in her lap, appearing to calm down considerably at this: "Well… it just means we're better at this than other people. We didn't need all that time – we just knew. I mean… it doesn't mean we love each other less, right?
Jill had barely confirmed this, when sounds of approaching customers roused the two.
"Come on, you!" she told Ada, "Time for me to get back to work, and time for you to go home and get some rest for tonight! Of course it's still on!"
Saying this, she stood the protesting Ada up, pulled her into an embrace and kissed her quickly on the forehead and lips. Then, smiling with delight at her girl's look of bewildered happiness, she motioned for her to get going. Ada was still pawing at her uncertainly but was starting to move, mouthing silent words of bliss and relief.
Jill adopted a stern look and pointed firmly at the end of the aisle, a grin clawing at the edges of her mouth. She took Ada by the arm and escorted her politely. Her girl seemed to be in much better spirits now.
"Well, okay. But if I see that woman hassling you again, I'll… JILL LOOK OUT!!"
Jill saw a blur of movement and felt that familiar jolt as adrenalin kicked in. A gun, a figure flailing at her, mouth open, Ada… have to save Ada…
"What's going on here?! What happened?!"
People started to crowd round, squeezing in to get a good look. The man lay on the floor, coughing and spitting out vomit. A woman - presumably his wife - was helping him with his inhaler, sqwarking in panic, and thanking her. Jill took her hand off the man's back, where she had pushed him to the ground. She ran her other hand over her face… she was shaking.
Looking up, she saw Ada who was also trembling visibly, looking at her in terror and reaching out her hand. She took it and pulled herself up, collecting the gun off the floor as she did so.
"Okay, back up everyone. Show's over; give these people some privacy now. Nothing to see – the gentleman just took a bit of fall, that's all."
Without waiting to see if they dispersed, she allowed Ada to lead her away. They stopped a few aisles over and hugged each other with relief.
"Jill… I thought… I thought…."
"It's okay - I thought it was, too."
They clung to each other, unable to think of anything but how scared they had been, and how relieved they were that the other was alright. Gradually the scene returned to Jill, piece by piece.
Coming around the corner, he'd started to choke and flailed out his arms. Ada had reached into her purse at her side and pulled out a gun. Jill had seen what she had thought was one of them, a gun, Ada in danger. Grabbing the gun, she'd forced Ada behind her, and thankfully by that time, she'd realized it wasn't one of them after all.
"I would have… I would have shot him…" mumbled Ada.
"It's okay" Jill stated softly. "Nothing happened. But this is why I never wear a gun anymore, Adi" she soothed, stroking her girl's hair. Calming her girl down was making her feel much better too. Ada was trying to do the same, but she seemed much more upset about something.
"You don't understand Jill. I never get like this, ever. I learned to switch off, so I wouldn't… I never mistook…not once. But when I thought you might be attacked - I would have shot him dead right there."
She was smoothing her hands over Jill's shoulders and arms, as if seeing for the first time that her lover had a real body that could be hurt and killed. She looked horrified, like she wanted to lock both of them away for safekeeping right away.
"But nothing did happen, okay? You just cared…hey!" She lifted Ada's face up. "And I've very, very grateful."
Ada nodded and hung around her neck, squeezing so hard, Jill thought she might merge with her.
"That man should count himself lucky, anyway. If it'd just been me, he'd be dead now, most likely. If I hadn't been thinking of protecting you, I probably would have snapped his neck or something. So you actually saved his life when you think about it…"
When they eventually calmed down, they realized they had to say goodbye for now. Jill was needed to report on the incident, and couldn't risk any further slacking on the job. So with reluctance, Jill saw her off, wishing she could go with her.
Watching her go, she turned the events of the last day or so over in her mind. She thought of how strange it all was, but how right it seemed. She thought of the horrors, of the world she swore she'd never go back to. Ada was from that world; being with her would probably put the lid on her failed reintegration into society…
She thought of the terror she had felt when she thought Ada was in danger… of the misery she had felt when she had been parted that first time. Watching Ada leave now, she felt ice cold, like she couldn't breathe. The lamp that blinked on and off overhead, the people who went to sleep in Raccoon city not knowing what awful fate would strike before the morning and of the missiles that had ended even that last fantasy…
"WAIT!! ADA!! ADI, WAIT THERE!!"
Ada turned with a look of surprise, half out the front door. Jill raced through the store, ducking customers and leaping over stacks of goods. She broke through the perfumed haze at the front, grinning at Marie who was whooping and clapping. Practically colliding into Ada, the two of them stumbled, giggling out on the steps outside. The wind was blowing and a light rain was coming down.
"What's the matter? What are you so happy about?" Ada called over the wind, a sympathetic smile spread over her face.
"I don't want you to leave!" Jill explained breathlessly.
"But… you have to work. I'm coming by later. I can't wait either, but…" Ada looked confused but delighted.
"No… I mean I don't want to leave… ever. I want to come over tonight and stay, stay for good I mean!"
Ada's mouth dropped open in surprise – happy surprise, Jill hoped.
"Do you want to?" she asked, heart in her mouth. It really made no sense, but…
Ada looked momentarily stunned but soon recovered: "Well…yes, of course I do! I never made any secret about that, did I? And here's you charging out here like it was all your idea! But what changed your mind? I thought you were still confused by all this?"
She'd moved to hold Jill round the waist. Both of them were so energized, Jill wondered if her hair was standing on end…
"Well, our situation is a bit odd isn't it?" Jill retorted. "I think I'm doing rather well under the circumstances! I don't think it's a trick, and I do think it's the right thing for both of us. What more can I say? If I believe any of it, I might as well believe all of it - and I want to believe it."
Ada lunged at her and they swung about, embracing and kissing deeply: "I seem to recall saying that, and having someone mock me" laughed Ada joyfully. "I hope an apology is in here somewhere!"