Name: Shattered Glass

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 4

Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

4

I stared at the door as he knocked loudly again, I was going to have to get the restraining order after all, and plan on finding a new job. I opened the door as I headed back to the kitchen, not waiting to see his face. He followed me and placed a piece of paper in front of my mixing bowl.

I stared at the copy of the newspaper article documenting the events that took Jake and my mom from me. The familiar smiling faces of them both beamed up at me and I couldn't find the strength to remain standing. I turned my back against the counter and slid to the floor.

Edward knelt down to look at my face and all I felt was numbing pain. I couldn't feel my arms or legs and I couldn't even find the rage inside me I knew I should be feeling. It was just as if time stopped and nothing existed.

"Say something, Bella," he said softly.

I continued to stare without responding or looking directly at him.

"Okay, then I will speak," he informed me, "it was an accident, a horrible, horrible accident."

I finally looked at him and tried to laugh but only a loud breath escaped me. "Is that supposed to make a difference?" I asked him.

"It makes a huge difference, because they are most likely worried about what this did to you. They are feeling the same guilt you are and…."

"They are dead!" I screamed at him.

"So you have to punish yourself for them? You have to be this miserable shell because you can't be certain of an afterlife?"

I let my face drop into my hands as I moaned, "Why are you doing this to me?"

He scooted closer but never touched me. "Because the day is going to come, when you haven't had enough sleep to think straight, and the only solution is going to be putting a gun to your head or a knife to your wrists. I won't let that happen to you."

"My punishment is to live," I assured him.

"Yeah, well one day it won't be enough. You will feel their bodies as the tires rolled over them; you will hear their screams and see the blood everywhere and the only way to stop it will be to kill yourself."

Without realizing what I was doing I reached out and slapped him across the face. The force stung my hand but he didn't move a muscle. He moved closer to my face and said louder, "You are begging the wrong person for forgiveness in your sleep. You have to forgive yourself, Bella."

"Please leave me alone," I begged him softly.

He moved to sit across from me against the cabinets and I felt the tears begin to fall from my face. I was so tired and I closed my eyes and let them fall freely onto my shirt.

"Was the fight over not having the same feelings for each other?" he asked me.

I simply nodded and kept my eyes closed.

"And your mom went to talk to him, to calm him down?"

I nodded again.

"What made you get in the car?" he pushed.

"I got a call, a policeman had been shot, and I thought it was my dad."

"It wasn't?"

"No, it wasn't. Isn't it ironic, my fear of losing my father made me kill my mother?"

"You didn't kill your mother," he said sharply.

"Semantics," I whispered.

"Why aren't you pissed at them for walking in the middle of a dark road?"

"It had rained all day, the grass was muddy. Where else were they supposed to walk?"

"Why didn't they see you coming?" he said hesitantly, sensing how close I was to a complete meltdown.

"Because I didn't have on my lights, I was in too big of a hurry to do something as simple as turning on the car lights. Surely you read the whole gory details."

"I didn't have on my seat belt," he said as he shrugged his shoulders.

"What?" I asked him in confusion.

"I didn't have on my seat belt and was digging through my suitcase in the back of the minivan. My body flew forward and my foot kicked my mother right in the temple, killing her instantly. My father died later at the hospital. Both of them were belted in, I wasn't and I was the one to live, but I ended up killing my mother."

"So what are you telling me, we are part of some elite mother killer's club?" I said with disgust.

"This is called sharing, Bella. It is supposed to be good for the soul."

I shook my head in disagreement and a question popped into my head. "So who is Carlisle?"

"My dad?" He asked me, not sure who I was talking about.

"My pay checks are signed by Carlisle Cullen, how is he related to you?"

"He adopted me at the age of thirteen. He was single and only thirty at the time. I was so messed up, but he helped me through the bad times. Can I ask what your relationship with your dad is like?"

"My parents were divorced. He's…..supportive," I said and Edward gave me a look to say he wasn't buying the whole thing.

"Okay, he's worried about the nightmares," I admitted, "I play everything off to ease his mind."

Edward chuckled and looked at me like I was a complete idiot. "You're not fooling him you know. I'm sure he keeps the bullets locked away and the knives unsharpened."

"Why are you so convinced I will off myself?"

"Look in a mirror sweetheart; you have tragedy written all over your face."

"So is this where I profess my undying love to you for saving my life and giving me a purpose to live?"

"Wow, and here I was only wanting to be your friend….I'm good," he laughed causing me to actually smile.

"I'm not ready for a friend, Edward. It's just too painful right now."

"So, can we be lab partners?"

I chuckled, "You're not smart enough for me. I will just end up pulling you along as dead weight."

"I'll give you a raise," he offered.

"You have no morals," I teased.

"After you finish making my breakfast, can I take you somewhere? I want to show you something."

"I am not making you breakfast. You barged in here so you do the cooking," I said as I stood to leave the kitchen.

"It's a deal, just lay on the couch and I will let you know when it's time to eat."

I woke up hours later to find Edward sitting on the floor with his head resting against my pillow sound asleep. I jumped and was surprised to find the blanket from my bed covering me. Edward sat up and looked at me sleepily.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him.

"I made you breakfast, but you fell asleep."

"That was your clue to leave, asshole."

"Not when you call out my name in your sleep, it's not," I noticed how he smirked when he said the words.

I stared at him, too stunned to know if I believed him or not. He pulled himself up onto the couch and I scooted further from him. "You agreed to let me show you something, go eat so we can go."

I found a plate of food in the refrigerator and stuck it in the microwave. "Did you already eat?" I asked him.

"Yeah, three hours ago," he chuckled. "I was going to leave but you called out for me, so I stayed for the in-depth conversation."

I was too afraid to ask him what we talked about, and didn't know if he was telling me the truth. He sat at the table to watch me eat and it was uncomfortable. "Can you sit somewhere else?"

"Are you sure, because last night you asked me to never leave you?"

He wasn't joking and stared directly into my eyes as I had a mini panic attack. "I fly in my dreams too; it is called fantasy, Edward."

He was biting on his thumb nail and shook his head back and forth, "Nice try."

I decided to turn the conversation to him and let him sweat a bit. "What made you slice and dice the wrist?"

He looked at his scars and then laid his arms flat on the table to expose them. "My adopted mom and dad told me they loved me."

I stared at him, waiting for more.

"That's it, I was arrested for shoplifting and they hugged me and told me they loved me. It blew my mind because I felt it. It wasn't just words, they really loved me. I had to get out of their lives before I ruined them too."

"Bullshit," I challenged him. "You felt guilty for killing your parents."

"No," he said softly, "I got in fights because of the guilt. I stole things because of the guilt, and I even took drugs because of the guilt. But this," he said lifting his wrists, "was because two wonderful people loved me in spite of all the other shit."

I tried to swallow but I couldn't. The numbness was beginning to spread again as I stared into his sincere eyes. "Of course these revelations took years of counseling to come to terms with. I wasn't always this ray of sunshine you see before you," he laughed.

"Ray of sunshine," I teased, "you are more of a constant drizzle that never lets up."

"Bella, pretending to love Jake would not have given him a good life."

I tensed and let my eyes drop to my plate.

"You promise him in your sleep that you will try to love him. Love isn't something you have to try and do, it is unconditional and unintentional. Your friendship was a great gift; don't feel like it wasn't enough."

"Don't, Edward. Not today."

"I just want to tell you one last thing, and then you can get ready to come see something," he said as he reached over to put his hand on top of mine.

"What," I asked hesitantly.

"You kissed me last night, or this morning rather. In your sleep you pulled me to you and kissed me."

I jumped up, knocking my chair over and backed away from him. "Don't you ever pretend to be him, ever!" I screamed.

Edward stood and his face was angry as he kicked his chair back knocking it over, too. He raised his finger to my face. "You weren't kissing him; you were kissing me."

I reached out to smack his hand away and could feel my legs shaking, "Get out, get out of my house and never come back."

He locked his fingers behind his neck and growled in frustration. "Get dressed, you said I could show you something and I'm holding you to it."

I marched to my room and locked the door before climbing into my bed, which only contained sheets. It was less than five minutes later when the door kicked open and Edward grabbed some jeans off the floor and threw them at me.

"You can dress yourself, or I will dress you."

He was breathing hard from anger and I felt my heart speed up a bit. "My father will have you arrested," I threatened.

It was the wrong answer. His eyes narrowed and he grabbed my arm, pulling me from the bed and over his shoulder, and headed out the door. I tried to kick and I pounded furiously on his back but he continued to the elevator.

I frantically looked around the underground garage for anyone I could beg for help. It was a Saturday and nobody was around. He tossed me into a car and I searched for the handle, but he was too fast. He had hold of my arm before I could get the door open and his tight hold was hurting.

"You are in so much trouble Edward Cullen; you can't just kidnap people from their homes and get away with it. I hope your parents still love you after this arrest and the suicide attempt is more successful."

His jaw was so tight with anger and he almost shot fire from his eyes when he turned to look at me. "Just a simple kiss brings out such a bitch in you, I can't wait for when he have actual sex. I'm sure I will need hospitalization."

I was too stunned to speak and began to fear he was going to rape me. I tried to pull out of his grasp, but he held on tightly.

"You lay a finger on me and you will be speaking in that high voice forever. Any part of you that touches me will be removed…painfully," I threatened.

"I would never touch you unless you asked me too, and for the record you asked me to kiss you."

"Asking you as part of a nightmare does not constitute permission."

"Well, begging me and panting all over my neck had me a bit confused, sorry."

I could feel my face turn red and I finally stopped fighting. I turned to look out the window and wanted to just disappear. We pulled into another parking garage and Edward turned off the car.

I looked around for any sign of people and suddenly worried about the way I was dressed. Showing up to anything wearing boxers and a tank top would be a problem. I didn't even have shoes on, so running would be an issue too.

"Can you walk, or do I have to carry you?" Edward asked with a smile.

"What is this?" I asked.

"I only want to show you something, and then I will take you right home," he promised.

"Is what you want to show me on your person?"

He looked confused for a second and then roared in laughter. He was laughing so hard he couldn't speak and I really should have taken the opportunity to get away, but I had to admit I was a bit curious.

"I won't show you that unless you ask, too. And for the record, you didn't ask."

We walked toward the elevators and I pulled my elbow away when he tried to hold it lightly. He hit the button to the top floor and laughed when I turned to face the side of the elevator.

"I think it is a law you have to face forward," he said to the back of my head.

"Call the police, I dare you," I responded.

"You make it so obvious you're an only child," he said as he chuckled.

"What is that supposed to mean."

"There is no way your parents would have another one like you. I'm sure they fought over who would get fixed first."

"Pot meet Kettle," I threw back at him.

Surface Cracks EPOV

I hummed and sang as I made the pancakes, or at least something that resembled pancakes, while Bella curled up on the couch. I could only see the top of her head, on a pillow against the arm of the sofa. I wasn't trying to be quiet, but I didn't try to engage her in conversation either; I had pushed her enough for one morning.

I set the table and made her a plate before walking over to look at her. She was sound asleep and I couldn't help the smile that formed on my face. She looked peaceful, but the dark circles under her eyes told me otherwise.

I finished my breakfast and put Bella's plate in the fridge for later. I wasn't about to wake her up just to eat my awful pancakes. I knew what sleepless nights were like, and if she could find a little relief by having me here I would stay.

I walked over to the couch and looked down on her sleeping body. She was so beautiful in such a natural way. Most of the time she never wore makeup or flashy clothes and I still found her absolutely stunning. I saw her shiver, so I got her blanket from her bed and covered her. She sighed and I couldn't stop myself from running my finger down her cheek. Her body suddenly tensed and she called out my name.

I thought she had woken up, but her breathing remained steady and her eyes never fluttered. I got onto my knees and waited until she called my name again, "Yes, Bella?" I said softly into her ear.

"Don't leave me," she mumbled. I looked closer to see if she was awake, but she continued in a deep sleep.

"No, love, I won't leave you," I whispered.

"I'll try to love you, Jake; I promise to try, come back," she cried.

"It's okay, Bella. You don't have to try, we're okay. You're my best friend," I told her.

"Please breathe," she begged. "I'll love you if you just breathe."

"I already know you love me, be happy, Bella."

She smiled in her sleep and put out her hand. I took hold of her fingers and she closed her hand over mine. It was quiet for awhile, until she tensed and began breathing erratically. "I'm sorry mom, please forgive me."

"Baby, I forgive you," I said into her ear. "I love you, Bella."

"Mommy, I need you," she said with a child like voice.

I had to shut my eyes to block out the pain this was causing me and said, "I'm with you always in your heart," I said in a soft whisper.

Her body relaxed and a slight smile formed on her face. I pulled the covers up more and tucked them in around her. I knew I was getting in too deep. When I talked to my professors about the best way to handle this, they all warned me to stay detached.

Detached was something I had done in my past. I was so detached nothing broke through the walls I had built around myself. I finally turned and leaned my back against the couch and let my mind wander over my recovery. I couldn't pick one moment that caused me the most shame, but I could pick the one I regretted the most. Carlisle and Esme's wedding.

I had lived with Carlisle for three years as a foster child before the adoption became final. I had hit puberty and seemed to be drowning in my personal rage. Every gesture or kind word was taken with offence. I liked Esme right away, I just had a hard time with her acceptance of me. I was sure it was just a ploy to trap Carlisle.

I showed up at their wedding drunk off my ass, and only fourteen years old. I thought for sure Esme would run for the hills. Instead, she hugged me and told me not to worry about participating and only wanted me to have a good time sharing the day with them. During her vows she added a line about taking Carlisle, and his son, into her heart. I should have been grateful, or at the very least quiet. Instead I stormed out of the church.

Esme never once mentioned it to me. When I finally apologized years later she only kissed my cheek and told me she understood. I needed Bella to understand the forgiving heart of a mother. She needed to know her mother would hug her and tell her she understood, if she could.

I turned to stare at Bella and watched the gentle rise and fall of each breath. Her face was so easy to read, even in her sleep. A mask of sadness had taken a firm hold on her features over the past two years since I had first seen her. She suddenly twitched and her eyes tightened as her hand pulled into a fist. I gently rubbed her tight palm and watched it relax into mine.

I really hoped she would agree to move in with Alice and Rosalie. Sure, it would be great for me to have her right down the hall, but I seriously think she would like both girls. Rosalie was a no nonsense woman; she knew what she wanted and how to work to get it. Alice was playful and upbeat, easy to be around. It would be a great environment for Bella.

"I want to die," Bella said with a soft moan, causing my heart to twist in my chest.

"No, love, Edward needs you," I whispered truthfully. "It would break his heart if you died."

"Edward," she repeated.

I leaned down to her ear and her face turned slightly to press against my cheek. I froze and closed my eyes, as the heat of her cheek warmed mine, and I smelled the essence of her. "I'm here," I managed to say with much difficulty.

"Never leave me," she said as her lips ran across my neck. I placed my hand against the back of the sofa to keep from pulling her into my arms. I left my face in her neck and she began kissing mine lightly. Her breathing became irregular, and I could feel the hot air from her panting, sending goose bumps down my body.

I pulled my hands into fists and forced myself to back away from her, but her hands moved to my head and pulled me to her lips, as she said forcefully, "Kiss me, Edward."

I tried to be gentle and hesitant, but her kiss was frantic and filled with need. She opened her mouth wider and I felt her tongue run along my lips, but I refused to open my mouth. I had already crossed a line and I couldn't let this escalate. I let my mouth move in perfect symphony with hers, making sure to let her lead. I wanted this so badly, but I wanted her to be awake when she asked me to kiss her.

I pulled away, both of us panting hard, and watch her body slowly calm and return to its peaceful slumber. I sat back onto my heels as my body continued reeling from the sensation of her. I had to face the realization she was not interested in me, but trying to use me to forget the pain in her heart. It was exactly what I had done.

I had never considered the pain I had caused the girls I had been with. I saw them as just another drug to numb my brain. I looked at Bella and wanted desperately to be someone important in her life, but at this moment I wasn't. I was a momentary distraction, and I knew with a certainty I was going to get hurt.

I turned my back on her and leaned against the couch in despair. My head rested against her pillow and she tangled her fingers in my hair and sighed loudly. It hurt, and not from her hold, but from the emptiness inside her presence left me with. I wanted her to get well, so I could tell her how much I loved her, because I knew it would never work unless she let go of the guilt she was feeling.

I had tried to have a relationship while I was still feeling guilty. I had finally accepted Carlisle and Esme's love and felt ready to let someone else into my life. It was a disaster. I was clingy, then aloof, and constantly looking for fault. I finally had to end it before I hurt the girl any further. It was then I set eyes on Bella.

She walked out of a classroom in the English department and was laughing on a cell phone. I watched as her eyes lit up at the news she was receiving on the other end of the phone. She stopped and leaned against a wall and was using her hands animatedly as she spoke. Just watching her smile made me smile.

I wanted to approach her, but I was too wrapped up in my therapy and wasn't ready. Her face was so easy to read, and it would kill me to be the reason for a pained expression. Watching her walk from class became the highlight of my day.

When she walked into my lab this semester my heart raced for joy, then quickly plummeted when I saw her face. Something terrible had happened. The light and animation, so evident in her before, was gone. She never raised her head and let her hair fall to obscure the view of others. I swallowed hard and looked down at the faint lines on my wrists. She was headed right where I had just come from and I had to do something to save her.

I sighed and reached up to run my fingers softly over my lips, which were already wanting more of her. She mumbled something incoherently and turned in her sleep, pulling her hand from my hair. I shut my eyes tightly to stop the tears from forming. I was pathetic, sitting here like a lost puppy hoping she would eventually want me. I had to force myself to think about her recovery instead of my feelings.

I wondered if I should tell her about the kiss. It would be deceitful to keep it from her, and the thought of telling her made me smile. She was going to be furious, for sure. I knew it would be wrong to tease her; so much fun, but terribly wrong. I chuckled at the thought.

I eventually fell asleep, until a loud gasp from Bella woke me up. I sat forward, and looked back to see her sitting up and staring at me in horror.

"What are you doing here," she asked me.

"I made you breakfast, but you fell asleep," I reminded her.

"That was your clue to leave, asshole," she said as her face turned red from either embarrassment or anger.

I decided at that moment I would absolutely tell her about the kiss, and love every second of her discomfort. "Not when you call out my name in your sleep, it's not," I said trying hard not to laugh.

She looked completely stunned and stared at me in shock. I felt like Christmas was coming early and I was enjoying the anticipation of telling her she kissed me. I actually wondered if she would hold her exact pose and let me run and get a video camera. No, I would have to be content with the memory of her face forever etched in my mind.

I moved to sit next to her on the couch and she consciously moved away from me. "You agreed to let me show you something, go eat so we can go," I said to remind her why I was there.

She stood quickly and refused to look at me as she walked to the kitchen. I enjoyed the view of her short boxers and my mind began to imagine her in mine. She placed her plate in the microwave and asked me if I had already eaten.

A large smile formed on my face as my opportunity was growing closer. "Yeah, three hours ago. I was going to leave but you called out for me, so I stayed for the in-depth conversation."

Her face tightened and she refused to respond. She sat down at the table, so I moved to sit across from her. She was determined not to make eye contact and finally said, "Can you sit somewhere else?"

"Are you sure, because last night you asked me to never leave you?" I couldn't love my life any more at this moment. Her expression was priceless and I wished for the damn camera again. Her eyes finally met mine and she looked like she was going to have a heart attack. She swallowed hard and sat up a bit straighter, gaining the upper hand by causing my brain to register her nipples showing through her tank top. I began biting my thumb nail to keep thoughts of her body out of my head.

"I fly in my dreams too; it is called fantasy, Edward."

There was no way in hell she was going to be able to pull that off. Her words and kiss were much more than a simple dream. "Nice try," I teased.

She tried to deflect the awkwardness back onto me by asking about my wrists. I gave her a brief overview of the cause, getting right to the heart of the matter, without telling her about the mess leading up to it.

I could see in her eyes my story was hitting home. She had considered this and it was terrifying her to admit it to herself. I decided to bring up Jake and force some of the feelings to the surface. I tried to convince her Jake would not have wanted her to 'try' and love him, and her friendship would have been enough.

She immediately shut down and begged me not to push her today. I knew the one thing I could say that she would not be able to ignore or repress.

"I just want to tell you one last thing, and then you can get ready to come see something," I said as I reached for her hand.

Her eyes looked terrified, but she asked, "What."

"You kissed me last night, or this morning rather, in your sleep, you pulled me to you and kissed me." I held my breath as I waited for her response.

I was surprised by the depth of her fury. She jumped away from the table almost tripping on the falling chair and screamed at me, "Don't you ever pretend to be him, ever!"

It would have hurt less if she had simply slapped me. She actually believed I was tricking her and pretending to be Jake just for a kiss. It ruined the entire experience and I felt sick, and angry, inside. I stood quickly and kicked my chair when he touched the back of my legs, sending it falling to the floor.

My mind was spinning with everything I wanted to say, but I was desperate for her to know it was me she called out for. I pointed accusingly at her and yelled, "You weren't kissing him; you were kissing me."

I could tell by her face she knew I was right, and it scared her to acknowledge it ,so she ordered me out of her house instead. This entire morning was not turning out how I expected. I wanted her to meet Rosalie and Alice and that was honestly all I wanted. I could tell by the way she walked to her room she had no intention of coming with me.

I waited a few moments and then listened at her bedroom door for any sounds telling me she was getting dressed. I heard nothing, so I turned the knob. The door was locked and my anger exploded inside of me. I thought back to all the times Carlisle had broken down my door and forced me to do something I didn't want to do, strictly for my own good.

I stepped back and kicked the door hard. She was lying in her bed and I grabbed some jeans off the floor and threw them at her, "You can dress yourself, or I will dress you."

I was breathing heavily, and not about to put up with her smart mouth, when she actually threatened to have her father arrest me. If I was going to be pulled in, it would sure as hell be for more than breaking her door. I grabbed the arm she had pointing at me and pulled her from the bed. I slung her over my shoulder and headed out of the apartment.

It felt powerful, and exhilarating, and I could feel every curve of her body against mine. I smiled as I headed toward my car, with her squirming and kicking in my arms, because I knew without a doubt this was the woman I was going to marry.