A/N: I know, I know. A lot of ya'll hate ANs. My bad. I'm not really happy with this chapter. I re-wrote it 3 times and this was the best I could come up with. If ya'll don't like it... I don't blame ya. No BETA, so mad bad x2. Sorry for any/all errors. It's midnight here and i'm delirious. Also, the next chapter should be up very soon! It's one of my faves so far. PS I've tweaked/edited some previous chapters - adding in songs that I feel suite the chapters. Too lazy to use the play list website I posted on my profile. Plus, my internet is a major fail right now... Excuses, excuses. Enough blabber for now...
Disclaimer: I own nothing, obviously.
Chapter Song: Bullet Proof... I Wish I Was by Radiohead
Why do you stay in prison when the door is so open wide?
Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking. Live in silence.
- Jalal ad-Din Rumi
Dr Cullen and I sat opposite each other in a small seating area outside of the hospital cafe. I held a cigarette to my lips and greedily inhaled nicotine and toxins. I was barely aware of the smoke escaping my mouth and sprawling ahead toward Dr Cullen. I felt bad, honestly I did, but not enough to put the cigarette out. I needed it. He looked at me, like a father would a daughter, his eyes disapproving. I tapped ash into an empty can of coke that had the pleasure of being my astray. It was an characteristically warm day, considering it was winter at the moment. Normally this time of the year it would have already snowed, or at the very least, the city would be blanketed with icy roads and struggling vehicles. Trees swayed to the rhythm of the wind that made each branch dance delicately. I shrugged out of my over sized cardigan and put out my cigarette.
I immediately lit another one.
"I could give you a lecture about smoking, but I won't."
"Good, because I'd blow more smoke in your face and enjoy it."
Dr Cullen laughed melodically. For a man that was so highly regarded by his peers and even his mentors, Carlisle Cullen looked like he couldn't be older than thirty five years old. Maybe he wasn't. He was still so young looking. He must had worked incredibly hard to get to where he has at such an early age. The stress that he must deal with every single day didn't show at all on his features. He was genetically blessed, and I'm sure that even in his eighties, young girls would still be fawning over him. All of the praise that he had received, he deserved, if not more.
His elbows were on the table, his hands clasped together. We was looking at me curiously. I knew he was going to ask me what I was thinking at any moment.
With my cigarette in one hand, I clumsily picked up my Styrofoam cup of coffee, blowing the top of the lid before I took a sip. The warm liquid rushed down my throat like velvet. It was strong and black, just the way I liked it. I easily consumed half of the large cup before I placed it back on the table, working up the nerve to speak.
"I assume you want me to talk about what happened with Renee earlier, right?"
"You assumed correctly." His faded British accent said to me kindly. He had adopted a North American accent over the years, but a hint of his former life still lingered. It was a beautiful combination. He had a small smiling playing on his lips. He was barely amused by our encounter with my mother hours before now. For a while there, I had put her in her place.
"I'm not exactly sure what you want me to say. You saw what happened for yourself."
"I'd like to know what you were thinking during the time your mother practically hit you in front of us all. What was going through your mind?"
"I was angry, as you saw. I told her to fuck off."
"One thing that really stood out to me was your protectiveness over Edward. Did you notice that?"
"Well... No."
Dr Cullen took the lit cigarette from my fingers and took a drag. I grinned at him and he smirked, looking out toward the swaying trees. What a sneaky bastard! Falling leaves looked like dark stars falling from the sky.
I thought back to the argument my mother and I had earlier that morning and frowned. I had never seen such hate harbor in her eyes before and it frightened me. We seemed to bring out the worst in each other at times.
Renee's sharp, manicured nails dug into my hips and I winced at the feel of her fake acrylics. My arms that were already wrapped around Edward's neck tightened. My head was firmly nestled in between my arm and the crook of Edward's neck. I growled against his smooth skin as her efforts to pull me away from him intensified.
"Let go of the boy, Isabella!"
"Don't you dare let go!" I cried out.
His arms that were beginning to loosen immediately held me in my place like iron claws. Hot tears leaked down my face and stained his shirt. I was so angry I was about to explode. Wat the hell was Renee doing here, anyway? Se didn't even believe in a time before ten in the morning!
"Ms Fowler, that is enough!" Dr Cullen yelled at my mother.
Her nails scraped across my bare skin as she let go of me. I didn't have to look at her to know the expression on her face. She would be manifesting all her hate in murderous waves and shooting them directly at poor Dr Cullen. Edward stroked my hair soothingly and he was shaking slightly.
Oh god. This must be really freaking him out. I felt terrible. This was all just terrible. I sobbed, not crying for myself, but for Edward. I'm so proud of him for not breaking already. He hated confrontation.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I kept whispering to him. He kissed the top of my head, his way of telling me that it was okay.
"Your daughter just had a severe panic attack not even five minutes ago. The last thing she or Edward needs is for you to be causing a scene! Need I remind you of your actions yesterday? You caused Edward to have a panic attack because you didn't think! I will not risk my patient's welfare because you are overemotional and irrational!"
"If she had a panic attack, why is she in the arms of that boy? I have every right to report you!"
"That boy is the reason she is okay right now, but she won't be for much longer if you keep doing what you're doing, Ms Fowler. In relation to reporting me, I cannot stop you. But let me tell you right now that you have no probable cause. There have been no wrong doings here, except for your heinous behavior."
"That is my daughter! How dare you-"
"Mom!" I yelled. I was surprised at the tone of my voice. I didn't sound like the frail and broken Bella everyone knew. I sounded like there was authority and wisdom deep within me. I sounded like a mother speaking to her daughter. The tables were turned for once. "Step back and think about the way you are acting right now. Your behavior is abnormal."
"Abnormal?" She growled at me, stalking toward me swiftly like a predator approaching its prey. I took a deep, shaky breath. The look in her eye was murderous. "You want to talk about abnormal behavior, Isabella Fowler? Fine. Let's talk. How about having an imaginary friend named Alice for eight years? She is not real, Bella! How about all of those fucking suicide attempts and self harming incidents? How about being locked up in a fucking loony bin for three years and finding love with another psycho? Don't you dare talk to be about abnormal behavior!"
I tried to stand up and beat the shit out of my mother but Edward held me firmly in my place. Renee's hand was twitching and I knew that she wanted to hit me. Good. Let her. I'd hit the bitch back. I wasn't a child anymore. I wasn't her doormat. I struggled against his iron grip, screaming obscenities at my mother. I had never felt such rage brewing inside of me before. It was stronger than anger. It was pure hate.
Alice's words were ringing loudly in my mind. They echoed sharply several times.
She doesn't love you.
My mother could be a selfish bitch at times, and while we all could be like that at times, she just crossed the line. Her words slapped me repeatedly and with each beat my anger grew stronger and stronger. I thought I was seeing red. Maybe I was. I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to beat her like the way her words were beating me. I wanted her to bleed and suffer.
"Fuck off, you stupid bitch!" Renee froze in place and looked at me with wide eyes. "Don't you ever talk about Edward that way! How dare you just turn up and create a whirlwind of destruction! You always fucking do that! You are selfish and egotistical, Renee. I may have taken this in the past, but I sure as hell won't when you bring someone like Edward into the equation. Get the hell out of here and don't come back!"
She put her hand over her heart. Her large diamond engagement ring sparkled against the Seattle sky.
I wanted to break her damn fingers off.
"You don't mean that, Bella. I'm just worried about you! You know I am, baby girl!"
"Do I?"
"How could you say such hateful things to me? Your own mother!" Tears rimmed her eyes, glistening much like her diamond rock. I shook my head, not wanting to speak to her anymore. She as one to talk about hateful words. I could handle her criticism. It was not the first time she pointed out my many flaws so bluntly, but I would not sit around and let her talk such filth about Edward. She had no right.
"Would you like Ms Fowler to leave, Isabella?"
"Yes."
"Bella, baby, please don't do this. I only reacted like that because I love you."
She doesn't love you.
"Come back later, mom." I mumbled. She put her head in her hands and wept. All my anger dissipated as soon as I watched my mother fall apart before my eyes. God, did I feel guilty at that moment. I asked Edward to let me go and he did once he saw that I had calmed down. I took her in my arms and she cried for several minutes. I told her I was sorry and I didn't mean what I said. She eventually wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly. I placed my chin on the top of her head, a reminder that whoever my father was, I inherited his height.
"Come back later, mom." I repeated to her.
"I have never seen you show so much emotion before, Isabella. Yet whenever your mother is around, that's when I see sparks flying from you." Dr Cullen's voice brought me back into the small diner we were in. I blinked a few times, trying to refocus.
"You tend to over analyze everything I do, Dr Cullen."
"Call me Carlisle, Isabella. I've asked you to call me that several times." I grinned innocently at my psychiatrist. I bounced between 'Carlisle' and 'Dr Cullen' constantly. It pissed him off. I found it amusing. "Or maybe I pick up things you try not to let others see. That, and I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't analyze you."
I tried not to smile when I noticed that Dr Cullen didn't give me back my cigarette, but kept bumming drag every few seconds. My finger strummed against the coffee table.
"I really thought I was going to hurt her, Carlisle. I wanted to hurt her. I've never wanted to harm someone before. It was overwhelming." I glanced at the dining area, suddenly feeling very hungry. I was missing lunch at the ward for this session with Dr Cullen. He wanted to pick at my brain about this morning's events. I just wanted to sleep and forget today's events with Renee ever happened.
"Would you like me to get you some lunch?" He read my mind. I nodded my head and he asked me what I felt like. When I told him to surprise me, he left the table laughing. During his absence I looked at my coffee cup, just thinking about today's events. Would I really have hurt Renee had I had the chance? No. I could never inflict pain on another person. I wasn't one to act on hate. So much had happened in such a short space of time it made my head spin. The chair across from me scraped with pressure and I was amazed at how quick he had gotten my food. I looked up and the words died in my throat.
I blinked once, twice, three times before I could think properly again.
Alice was staring at me blankly, her face void of all emotion. Her baggy white shirt was stained with blood, her hair an absolute mess. What the hell happened to her?
"My god! Are you all right?" I whispered to her. Her grey eyes met mine. I could see a storm brewing within her irises. The calm before the storm, as they say. I could feel the empty contents of my stomach raising in my throat. What the hell happened to her?
"Alice, honey, what happened to you?" My hand slid across the table and she vanished before I could reach her. Her hands were firm on my shoulders. She made me sit straight. Her hands had dried blood on them. I tried to shake her hands away, but she held me firmly in place.
"You should have killed her, Bee. You should have made her suffer for everything she has done to you over the years." Her voice, much like her facial express was dull and lifeless. I shivered. What was happening? "Don't think that I didn't sense the hate that pulsated through your veins. You liked it, didn't you? I know you did."
"I could never hurt Renee."
"But you wanted to. You'd love to slit that bitch's throat from ear to ear, right?"
"No!" I gasped.
Alice's empty laugh scared me. Everything about her scared me right now. She was now sitting on my table, her feet on my thighs. I smelt death on her, the smell of fire and brimstone. Her eyes were now flaming crimson.
I stood up, sending my chair flying. It collided against the floor loudly. "What has happened to you? Where's my Alice? The one who wouldn't harm a fly?" I whispered quietly, afraid to speak any louder.
"Kill her." Alice ordered me. "You know it has to be done for you to be free."
"No!" I screamed.
"Isabella?" Carlisle was standing by my side with my tray of food. I didn't look away from Alice's red eyes as he placed the tray on the table. She was standing next to him now, looking at him with her void eyes. Alice had never told me to hurt anyone before. She never had red eyes. She never looked so evil.
And she never stayed when there was another person with me.
"Is she here? Is Alice here?"
"You can tell that scumbag my name isn't Alice." She told me dully. My mouth was flapping open like a fish. My heart was hammering. I placed my shaking hands over my mouth to muffle my scream. Hot tears leaked from my eyes.
"Who are you?" I asked her.
"Malice." She said. "Lucky that girl's name was Alice, right? Seems to blend in perfectly, don't you think? It's almost laughable that she came up with this name for me."
"What have you done with her?"
"I believe the question is, what have you done to her to make her the way she is right now? What has happened to make your vision of Alice change into Malice?"
"Oh my god..."
Where was Alice? What had I done to her? I gagged, my eyes watering.
Alice was my best friend. She protected me. She loved me dearly. This was just another part of her... A part that I was so afraid of. I let out a shaky breath. Malice was playing with a knife that was stained with blood. The tip of the blade was making the tip of her finger bleed as she twirled the blade around. She looked transfixed at the sight of her own blood.
"Bella, tell me what you see." Dr Cullen said to me quietly. He was now looking where Malice was sitting, but obviously couldn't see her. Of course he couldn't. This was all in my fucking psychotic mind. Renee was right. Everything she said was right. Her head shot up and she looked at me with her ruby eyes.
"Kill her." She said to me as she vanished.
Seconds turned into minutes. Minutes turned into hours. Hours turned into days. Days turned into weeks. Before I knew it, snow was falling heavily, the sun rarely making an appearance. Not that I would welcome it, anyway. The winter cold seemed to blend in perfectly with my mood lately.
Edward and I fell into a familiar and comfortable routine. Every moment we were together we were attached at the hip. He would always hold my hand or hug me if he sensed that I was feeling down. I would do the same for him. Although it seems to be all the time for me. But in my own way, I knew he'd do anything for me.
God knows that I would do anything for him.
I put my legs in Edward's lap, and he smirked that seductive smirk at me. I blushed, shaking my head, looking down. His hand that wasn't holding a book was stroking my leg absentmindedly. It gave me goosebumps, even though I was fully clothed.
I found myself talking less and less the more that Malice turned up. Whenever I would want to talk about what she had been telling me to do, she would appear before me with her vacant red eyes. It would make me freeze in place. I was too afraid to speak the words – that my condition was becoming worse.
In the past few weeks I have come to realize that there really was something wrong with me – with my mind. I knew it had to stop, but how would I even go about it when I was too afraid to speak the words to anyone?
Dr Cullen was worried about me. He never spoke the words but I could see it in his eyes. I wanted to tell him but I was so frightened. I honestly was. Even Edward would look at me with concern when he thought I wasn't looking. I was withdrawing deeper and deeper into myself, to parts I never knew existed. It was a terrible place I wanted to get away from.
The nurses were bringing out boxes of Christmas decorations. Had three months already flown by?
I flipped through a trashy romance novel, trying to look at anyone, in particular, Malice, who was kneeling right in front of Edward. Her eyes were boring into his face and I was scared that she was going to tell me to hurt him soon. The only plus side to the whole Malice situation was that she only wanted me to harm Renee. He had his arm around me as he read through Fight Club, oblivious to my imaginary enemy staring at him. His other hand slowly moved up my leg toward my knee. I leaned into him and closed my eyes.
I missed Alice. I missed her so much I cried at night, screaming out for her. Night was worst for me now. Malice was always there, always watching me. I begged for a torch or any form of light in my room. After having the worst panic attack I ever had, I nearly got sent to the E.R. It took an event like that to grant my wish. She kept telling me kill Renee. I would never hurt her and it only infuriated her further. She snapped at me just weeks before, telling me that until I killed Renee, I would be pathetic and useless.
She was right. My mind really is my worst enemy.
"All you gotta do is steal a knife from one of your meals. And next time you see her, stab the bitch in the chest. It's really quite simple."
I shook my head, refusing to speak to her.
"You are fucking pathetic! I can't even stand being around you right now! I hope you fucking kill yourself. You hear me? You're not even worth the air that you breathe!"
I knew she was gone then. That's how our routine usually played out. I waited several minutes before I started to weep. Edward pulled me closer to him, taking a sharp breath as he watched my shoulders shaking violently. I dropped the book I was holding and held onto my almost boyfriend for dear life.
Why was she now this lifeless, evil presence that lingered in my mind? What had happened to make the innocence fade away into oblivion?
I couldn't escape it. Maybe I should just kill myself.
I knew that suicide was the ultimate form of selfishness, and it was far worse than anything that Renee would ever do to me, but my best friend was on my mind. If I killed myself, she'd be free too. She wouldn't be Malice. It was the only thing that would bring us both peace. It was the only way that I could be with the real Alice again. My tears ceased and I couldn't help but smile. I pulled away from Edward and really looked at him.
He was speaking to me with his eyes, asking me if I was okay. I nodded my head, closing my eyes as his lips found mine.
I knew in that moment I was in love with Edward.
I didn't want to be without him, but deep down I knew that this couldn't last. Nothing ever does. I didn't deserve him. He was recovering and I was stepping backward with every single day that passed. I leaned closer to him and brushed my lips against his again. His lips parted and we slowly kissed, blocking out the outside world.
He cupped his hand with my cheek, stroking it with his thumb softly. His hands were so soft, just like his lips. I was scared of never looking into his light green eyes again. But I had to do this. I had to.
"I'll be back later." I told him quietly once we pulled away from each other. His cheeks were flustered and his lips were shining. His eyes were now a dark green. My heart skipped a beat.
"I love you, Edward."
I picked up my cup of water and walked away from him before I could see the look in his eyes. Malice was by my side, looking at me curiously. I quickly swallowed the rest of my water and smashed the plastic cup against the wall several times. I bent down, pocketing the shards before someone came in wondering what I was doing. I shrugged out of my thick sweater that I was wearing and now remained in my white singlet.
I didn't bother to look outside for the last time. There was no point in writing letters to anyone. No one would miss me.
I rummaged through my drawers until I found my large black over sized cardigan. I walked out of my room and toward the bathroom. I felt like everything was in perfect clarity. I was focused and completely determined. I was pissed off at Malice for taking Alice away from me. I was angry at her for making me leave Edward.
I was consumed in fury.
I locked the door and stared at the mirror. Malice was standing by my side, staring at me through the glass. Her black hair was tied in a bun. She looked sick. Her eyes were flicking between the grey I loved and the red I loathed. Her white shirt that hung on her loosely was now dripping with fresh blood.
As I pulled out the shard of plastic her eyes were blazing red. She was looking at me blankly.
"Bee, don't!" The melodic voice told me. I looked up and saw Alice. In another blink, she was back to the red eyed devil. I dug the shard into my wrist as hard as I could, not moving it just yet. Drips of blood were already falling against my black jeans. My eyes watered from the pain.
Alice and Malice are fighting each other right now, I thought to myself. You need to end this. Now.
"Do it." The lifeless voice told me. "You deserve death."
"No, don't do this, Bee!"
"Get the fuck out! You don't belong here!"
"You get your wish, you bitch." I hissed at her as I dragged the shard across my wrist.