Act 2, Scene 1 – "Would it not grieve a woman to be overmastered with a piece of valiant dust?"
Jack's suggestion of a night out to celebrate everyone being together again had gone down well and Gwen had suggested that the girls headed to her flat to get ready. The thought of pre-drinking, cheesy music and a good gossip was one that appealed to all in question and they had headed off, leaving the men to order pizza before they met up later on.
Rhys, Gwen's husband, had been warned about the impending invasion of women and quickly made plans to meet up with his friend Daf so that he would be well out of the way before they arrived. As soon as they filed into small, but obviously comfortable flat, the stereo was immediately turned on and several bottles of wine were opened. Rose seemed to be heeding Mickey's warning and was civil to the Doctor's companions, although the word friendly could never be applied to her attitude towards them.
As the track changed on the stereo and Happy Now by Take That started playing, Gwen gave a little shriek and turned the volume up even louder.
"I love Take That!" She enthused, taking another large gulp of wine from her glass and dancing around the living room, her hair flying out around her head. "Robbie Williams is gorgeous."
Donna got up to join her, pulling a face. "Nah, give me a bit of Jason Orange any day."
"No way! Gary Barlow is the best looking." Martha chipped in. "Although he's got nothing on my Mickey."
The others all made 'aww' noises before pulling faces and bursting into hysterical giggles. All except Donna, who rolled her eyes, dropped heavily onto the sofa and took a large gulp from her glass of wine and Rose, who looked as though she had just tasted something unpleasant.
"So, who's your perfect man, River?" Gwen asked, curiously as she applied her lipstick in the mirror, slightly wobbly after all the alcohol she'd drunk.
"Do you actually need to ask that question?" Donna asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Obviously it's the Doctor." Martha agreed with a nod; clinking her glass with Donna's as River rolled her eyes and arched her eyebrow in cynical amusement. "That's not even in question."
"She LOOOVESSS him!" Amy giggled, downing the remainder of the wine in her glass and causing the others to exchange a glance and snort with laughter at her clearly drunken state.
River sighed. "I think you've had enough, Mother."
None of them noticed the expression on Rose's face as they began to tease River about her relationship with the Doctor. She sat in the armchair in the corner, staring at the glass in her hands and fuming silently. After a couple of moments, Donna glanced up and noticed that she didn't look happy. Instantly realising the probable cause for this, she tried to change the subject.
"I don't see what's so great about marriage, anyway." She muttered, looking at the three married women amongst them. "You pay out all that money for a dress that you'll wear once, a venue you'd never think about going to usually and a meal and bar tab for people you avoid like the plague in normal circumstances and then it's all over in a matter of hours. When that's done, you go off on a holiday that costs more than it usually would just because you've recently got married. If you survive that, you go back to your normal life and before you know it he's moaning you don't make an effort anymore and you're telling him that he should work harder and earn more money."
"If it isn't Donna; the patron saint of weddings and marriage." Gwen muttered, grinning at her.
"I've had two weddings, so I beat all of you. I know how it works."
"Yes, but you only made it down the aisle the second time." Martha pointed out. "So we're even."
Donna nodded, conceding the point. "True… But Lance was going to feed me to a giant spider as soon as we were married, so I think I might just regain the lead a little there."
"So… would you ever get married again?" Amy asked, intrigued.
Snorting with laughter, Donna refilled her glass. "No way."
"But what if you fell in love?"
"Love?" Donna burst into hysterical giggles. "I don't believe in love. It's just a stupid myth put out there by businesses to trick teenage girls into thinking they have to believe in certain things to have that fairy tale life. All those films – they're so predictable. Boy meets girl, they like each other, something happens and they're apart but oh, by the end of the film everything's all bright and shiny and wonderful because they're in love. It makes me want to throw up."
"But what if you DID fall in love?" Gwen pressed her.
"I won't." The red-head assured them with a sharp nod of her head. "I've met enough men in my time to know that there are two types – the ones whose type I am and the ones who are my type. The ones whose type I am always turn out to be arrogant pigs who are after one thing and one thing only. When they get it they bugger off to wherever they came from. The ones who are my type wouldn't look at me twice."
Martha looked at her friend with pity evident in her eyes. "But surely you'd want to get married again one day?"
"Oh, stop it. No, I don't want to get married. I'm perfectly content to spend the rest of my life with the Doctor." She turned to River with a smirk. "Sorry, sweetheart, you're not getting rid of me. I'll just be the crazy old lady in the corner of the TARDIS who your little Time Babies call Auntie Donna."
They all burst out laughing, more fuelled by the amount of wine they'd drunk, than anything else and Gwen looked at her watch. She instructed them to drink up and they gathered bags and jackets and tipsily headed downstairs where they crowded into a people-carrier taxi. The driver was friendly, chatting to them cheerfully. When he dropped them off in the centre of the city Donna shot him a cheeky wink and he returned it, causing the others to hoot with laughter.
"I might not want to get married, but I can still have a little fun, can't I?" She reasoned with a shrug. "I'm not old yet."
"Alright, ladies? And Donna." Jack called as he, the Doctor, Rory and Mickey approached the group of women, waiting on the street corner.
Donna glared at him, but he just grinned and headed towards the club with Gwen and Rose. The others made their way after them, lining up outside while Jack laughed and joked with the bouncer who was a friend of his.
"River… watch out for Jack tonight." Rory warned his daughter, pulling her back slightly as the others filed inside jumping the queue and not being asked to pay. Sometimes being friends with Jack did have its bonuses.
"Oh, Dad, I can handle myself if Jack tries anything." She assured him, linking his arm and pressing a kiss to his cheek. "You just worry about Mum… she really can't handle her wine."
They laughed lightly and went inside, checking their coats before moving into the main room. Immediately River spotted Donna and Gwen at the bar and went to stand with them, ordering her drink. Seeing that she was safely surrounded, Rory headed after his wife, who seemed to be clinging to the Doctor to stop herself falling over. No sooner had he made his way through the crowd than Jack appeared at River's side and offered to pay for her drink.
Rolling their eyes, the other women moved away, leaving River and Jack alone.
"Don't even think about trying anything, Jack." River warned him seriously in a low voice, accepting the glass he offered her.
"Wouldn't dream of it." He assured her smoothly. "The Doctor would kill me if I attempted any such thing."
"Really?" She asked, trying not to look interested. "And why's that?"
Jack chuckled. "I don't need to spell it out, do I?" They both looked over to where the Doctor was enthusiastically dancing with Martha, totally oblivious to the curious and slightly concerned looks he was being sent by the people around him. As though he sensed they were watching him, the Doctor glanced over and immediately went pink, trying to cover up the fact he'd noticed them watching. "He's in love with you."
"Oh, I know that. And I love him, you idiot."
"So? Are you going to put the poor guy out of his misery?" Jack asked, looking as though he thought the Doctor deserved everything he got for being in love in the first place.
"Maybe…"
"Spoilers?" Jack asked, arching an eyebrow.
River chuckled. "No, it's just none of your business."
As she moved away to join the group on the dance floor, Jack leant against the bar watching them in amusement. Beside him, a rather rowdy group of young men were jostling for attention, trying to attract the barmaid's attention. She, in turn, was pointedly ignoring them and their rather unnecessary comments.
"Jade!" Jack called along the bar and the young women turned to look at him. As recognition registered in her eyes, she smiled and came over, leaning over the counter to give him a quick kiss. "Give these boys a drink and shut them up, yeah?"
She laughed and nodded, moving to serve the group of young men.
"Cheers, mate." The one nearest him said, slinging an arm around Jack's shoulders in a companionable way. "Here…" He put one of the masks the group were wearing over Jack's face and laughed. "Now you're an honouree member of Ieuan's stag night!"
"Ta." Jack chuckled, reaching up to unhook the elastic from around his ears. He was about to remove the mask when someone leant against him and the bar heavily. Turning to see who had caused the sudden warmth against his right side, Jack was highly amused to see it was a clearly very tipsy Donna who was trying to signal for another drink, while struggling to stay on her feet.
"What have you got to do for a drink around here?" She muttered as the barman completely overlooked her.
"I can make a few suggestions." Jack told her, disguising his American accent.
Slowly Donna turned and surveyed him, her eyes flicking from his masked face to the jacket he was wearing. The journey of her gaze up and down his body was slow and calculated and Jack was glad he wasn't wearing his usual outfit because it meant that Donna was less likely to recognise him. The effect of her outraged look was ruined by the drunken haze that surrounded her, causing her eyes to flicker unsteadily over him. With a snort, she turned away and leant on the bar once more.
"D'you know something, Mr Jedward? You remind me of someone I know… Captain Slack-jawed-idiot." She slurred angrily. For a moment Jack wondered why she'd called him Mr Jedward. Then he realised that it must be the mask he was wearing. With a groan he half-wished he had taken it off. "He thinks he's irresistible to women, too."
"Sounds like a great guy."
Donna glared at him. "No, he is not. He thinks he's hilarious; making his stupid little jokes at everyone else's expense. But really everyone's laughing at him, not with him. He's a prize prat and he's the only one who can't see it. And… AND… he's not even very good at what he does… he's only still alive because he has this… skill… it's not even an impressive one. I've seen better."
"Are you still talking about his skill?" Jack asked, smirking behind his mask. Then he realised that that question could also be misconstrued as an innuendo and smirked even more broadly, knowing how much that would wind Donna up. After what she'd just said about him she deserved to be annoyed as much as possible.
"Eurgh!" She snapped, smacking him on the arm in disgust. "See, you are just like him! Why the hell do I always attract the pervs and creeps and losers?" Then she considered his words for a moment. "Although I expect his… skill… is far from impressive as well."
Jack clenched his jaw in irritation. "Well if you didn't go round dressed like that, getting so drunk you can hardly stand up, you might not attract those sorts of people. And, for the record, I am NOT like that."
"Eurgh…" Donna muttered again, sending him a final glare and stalking unstably away to re-join her friends. She had given up on getting another drink; that was just a consequence of getting away from this horrible man, she decided.
Watching her leave, Jack was fuming. Donna clearly hadn't recognised him, at least he assumed she hadn't from the way she'd spoken, but how could she compare him to those sorts of men. He wasn't one of those pathetic men who letched over women. He was charming and complimentary and friendly, which was why women liked him.
Donna was clearly insane.