Chapter Four

She found him in the break room. His back was to her, pouring a cup of coffee. He was in scrubs, just out of surgery. It must have gone well, she could always tell just by his posture when it hadn't. Her heart leaped in her chest at the sight of him. She was taken back by the feeling, as she hadn't felt that since Derek. Not even with Riggs. She tried to conceal her feelings and went to him.

"Hey" she said. Immediately, she groaned inwardly. Her voice was strangely high.

He turned to her. Even in his sadness, he looked at her quizzically. "Hey yourself. What's wrong with you?"

She shrugged in a feeble attempt to cover. "Nothing. Just wanted to see how you're doing?" She was clearly not herself. She hoped he would let it slide. He didn't.

"You're acting weird. What's going on?"

She hoped her face didn't show how nervous she was. Why was she nervous? Just talk to him, she implored herself. Yet she found the words sticking in her throat. "I wanted to talk to you."

He grabbed a sandwich from the refrigerator. "So talk."

She had never been nervous talking to him before. In fact, their conversations came so easily. They didn't mince words, or play games. They had both had enough of that in their lives. So now this should be easy, too. But yet, the thought of saying these words terrified her. She couldn't tell him here. Quickly, she came up with something. "I miss you, Alex."

"Look, Mer, I miss you too. It's just hard, you know?" He brushed past her and sat with his lunch at the table.

She knew all too well. They had certainly endured enough loss in their lives. Enough, in fact, to last several lifetimes over. Looking at how he sat, shoulders hunched, she noticed how he seemed so far removed from the over-confident swagger of his earlier years – a swagger he did not deserve until much later, now replaced with a sadness that was almost palpable. Oh, how she wished she could take his sadness away.

"It's been almost a year, Alex. She didn't want you to be like this."

He turns to look at her, anguished. "You think I don't know how long it's been?! I know exactly how long it's been!" He turns back towards the table. "I'm sorry, Mer. I just can't think about her."

She knew she shouldn't have brought it up. The last thing she wanted was to upset him. Quickly, she tried to change the subject. "How'd surgery go?"

He didn't look up from his coffee. "Went great. No complications."

She wasn't surprised. He was an amazing surgeon in one of the most difficult specialties. She was so proud of how far he had come from when they were interns. He was a good man. He deserved to be happy. Happiness wasn't something that often came his way. She realized she had been staring at him. Fortunately, he was turned away from her and hadn't noticed. Get a grip! She implored herself. She grabbed a cup and poured some coffee. It felt like it was killing her not to tell him, but this wasn't something she could just blurt out. She sat next to him. "Can you come over tonight? I thought we could hang out. "

"Yeah, sure. That'd be great." He remembered something. Looking at her, he asked "Hey, how'd it go with Carr?"

The question she'd been dreading was upon her. She smiled. "It's complicated. Let's talk about it tonight "

He studied her for a moment. Something was off, but from past experience he knew she would tell him when she was ready.

She began to feel panicked Could he tell?

"Okay. You sure you're alright?"

She relaxed. "I'm great."