The Conversation

Chapter 4, Softly love

by RGoodfellow64

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Disclaimer: Castle is owned by Andrew Marlow and ABC. I have no connection other than stock, DVD's, books and love for the show.

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"Do you know why I decided to tell you everything Rick? Why I suddenly opened up and let out things I've hardly admitted to myself, let alone tell anyone?"

They were looking into each other's eyes and Kate realized that this was different from what she was used to with him. They were looking at each other now whereas before she started talking they were gazing at each other.

She realized she missed that gaze, that look he always gave her that let her know how much he cared. He'd been sharing that with her for so long and she never realized how much it meant to her till now. Now that it was no longer there.

The look wasn't so much angry any more, there was still some hurt, but the anger seemed to have burned itself out, as if he needed to release what had been festering inside him. She felt ashamed at what she'd put them through, put him through. If she'd only felt more confident in herself, they would have been together almost a year now. Instead he was thinking he didn't feel he could even be with her and she knew she would never survive his leaving. There would still be a Detective Beckett but it would no longer be her, it would be an empty husk of what used to be a person.

He dropped his eyes to the glass of wine and suddenly lifted it to his lips and drank it down in one gulp. After swallowing he said, "No, I don't."

"I've been afraid, afraid for so long that I was in love with you." As she said this, she looked at his face for any indication of his thoughts, of his feelings. She couldn't fall back on Detective Beckett here, he knew all her police training, and he deserved more than that. This was Kate speaking, fearing, dreading and more than anything, hoping. So she was searching for any sign that he felt the same, or wanted to feel the same, or even if he no longer felt the same. His face was stoic, his eyes withholding, showed no emotion of any kind, but let her know he was listening.

"I did it because you deserve to know. Because I need you to know, and because we can't go forward if the past holds us back…holds me back. And Rick, I really, really want to go forward now. I've wanted that for a long time, and I've been terrified of it as well."

She thought she saw a flash of that hurt again, when he asked, "I terrify you? Or the thought of being with me terrifies you?"

"What? No! God, no Rick. What's terrified me for a while now is the knowledge that I just not only want you in my life, I need you in my life." Her eyes lowered but then she brought them up again to look him into his eyes, "I desperately need you in my life, and it frightens me. Sometimes it terrifies me that I can lose myself so much in you, that I can lose control of the situation and my emotions whenever you're near me, whenever you're even around."

His eyes looked a bit softer now as she continued, "Rick, when I woke up next to you, I smiled. It was so like the dreams I've had, so like the fantasy's I've thought of what life would and could be like with you. For a few seconds I didn't know or care about the handcuffs. I was lying next to you, sleeping next to you and it felt like the most natural thing in the world."

She looked at him intensely to see if there was any more change in his expression, but he only nodded his head slowly, telling her to continue.

"Since we started working again, every case over these past few months has been screaming at me, telling me that what I am looking at is an extension of what is happening in our lives. That's our lives Rick, not mine, not yours, ours."

She smiled at him and said, "Officer Hastings and Paul Whittaker. Remember what you said about them?"

"A writer and his muse, just like us," he replied.

"The look on your face when they kissed, Rick it was priceless…but you were also 100% correct. They were just like us."

She saw a slight smile in his face and continued, "Recall when Cynthia Hamilton killed herself in her cell? I said that's what all great love stories are about, beating the odds. I believe that Rick, I still do." She paused a moment and added softly, "Because I still believe in us."

He looked down at his empty glass and quietly sighed. When he looked up at her again his face was softer.

"When I saw you kiss Serena Kaye my first thought was he's mine, and I really wanted to say that when I shouted out."

She saw the slight grin on his face and his eyes started to show that sparkle she loved to see, so she went on, saying, "At the end of the case when you were getting coffee I told her that you never thought she was guilty. She asked me why I told her that and I said I wanted her to know what kind of a man you are."

"Why?"

Kate looked down at her own empty glass and said in a small voice, "Because if she was who you wanted then I wasn't going to stand in the way of your happiness. And she needed to know what a good man you are, and how lucky she was to have you."

She looked up at him through her eyelashes and saw he had a thoughtful look on his face when he said, "You left after I returned with the coffees and she said something odd. Now I know what she meant."

"What?" Kate asked.

"When she put her jacket on she said she was going back to her hotel and she would ask me to come with her but…" he paused here a moment and then continued, "She said I don't steal things that belong to someone else, and then she left. I always wondered what that was about."

Kate lifted her head and smiled at him, "I was surprised Rick; well, surprised and thrilled and so happy to see you still there, alone, when I returned."

Rick smiled as he remembered and said, "Yeah. Good burger."

Kate smiled, watching him carefully, grateful that he was listening to her but even more, so very glad that she was getting through to him. She felt gratitude for Dr. Burke for helping her to see that she wouldn't lose anything by giving of herself to Rick, in fact she could gain far more than she would give. She felt that in her heart and didn't realize she was showing it through her eyes.

But Rick did. He understood the truth of eyes being windows to the soul, and in her eyes, he saw her love for him. He saw her open and vulnerable and totally trusting, and he couldn't help but be affected by that, but what she said next shocked him.

"I have never been so scared in my life, not even being shot scared me so much as when you were locked in that bank with those thieves." Her heart started beating faster as she realized that even thinking about it brought back those fears of never seeing him again. She took a deep breath, held it for a few seconds and said, "They had me in the command trailer talking to the people holding you. Actually Trapper John demanded it be me who spoke to them."

Kate had to stop for a few moments to collect herself. Rick could see that just the memory of that day affected her greatly, and he patiently waited until she continued.

"When Trapper John told me he was going to kill you I snapped. There was no way in hell he'd take you from me and live, and I promised him that if he hurt you I would go in that bank and put a bullet in his head."

Rick was listening to her, not just to her words, but to her body. Her body language told him what she was saying was the truth as she knew it. That she threatened to shoot someone who hurt him was a shock. Kate Beckett was truth and justice all the way, but there was something in her eyes and the way her body tensed that said otherwise.

"Kate…"

"I meant it Rick. At the thought of losing you I didn't care for my job, my life, anything. All I cared about was you, and if he shot you he would never have made it out alive."

The intensity in her voice surprised him. He knew she cared for him, how could he not, the way she'd been acting since they teamed up again in the fall, and now, finally opening up to him. But this was something else, this was something primal, almost primitive in her reaction. This reminded him of his own feelings when he was searching for her shooter this past summer. An almost animalistic rage against someone who would hurt a member of his family, someone he loved.

He was hit with an epiphany then, for in his mind Kate was a member of his family for quite a while now. His desire for vengeance this past summer evolved from his anger toward that person who shot her, who hurt someone belonging to him…and he was seeing that same feeling through Kate's words and actions.

"Kate…" he stopped for a moment and tried again, "Kate, I…" but he couldn't continue. So many conflicting emotions were going though him at the same time, and for one of the few times in his life he was at a loss for words.

Feeling bolder, Kate put her hand on his knee. "Rick, I'm serious when I say that I love you, that I want to be with you and that I can't even consider my life without you in it any more. There have been screw-ups before in our relationship, and yes, that is what we have Rick, a relationship. That's what we've been in for a long time now, probably before my apartment blew up. I just didn't have the strength to face it before."

She kept her eyes on his so she was pleasantly startled when he put his hand on hers. "This thing between us Rick, I know I act like I don't know it's there, but I do, and I know that it's powerful."

His hand lightly squeezed hers as she said, "I know how strong it is Rick, it's an attraction I never believed existed before and no matter how much I tried to run away, it always drew me back…back to you. I don't want to try to fight it any more Rick, I don't want to run away ever again. I don't want to hurt you like I did or be hurt like I was."

Still looking him in the eyes she softly said, "I only want to be with you Rick, no one else, nowhere else. Just you, and I mean that always."

Kate was watching his eyes when she suddenly realized he wasn't looking at her any more. No, he was gazing at her again. Her heart soared to see his eyes caressing her that way, because in her mind, she was his and he was hers, they were together and she felt would always be. She silently made herself a vow that no matter what happens in their life together, that the only other look she wanted to see in his eyes was that desire she briefly saw just before he kissed her. And when she kissed him back there was hardly any blue to his eyes, that's how full of passion they were. She definitely would never get tired of seeing that in his eyes either. The hurt and the anger? She would do anything she can to never see those emotions again in his eyes.

Rick was gazing deeply into her eyes and all he saw there was love; an almost unconditional love that he always dreamed of but never truly expected her to send in his direction. The anger was gone, there was still some hurt, but that happens to any couple. He understood they had become so close to each other that they were a couple, and it's easy to hurt the other, unintentionally or otherwise.

For the first time in a long time, his heart felt complete. There was no Demming, there was no Gina and there was no Josh any more. There was just Rick and Kate and that is what he had wanted for so long, it almost felt unreal to be happening now, but it was.

He rubbed his hand on hers, took a deep breath and said, "I've felt the same for a long time Kate. I've known for a while now that all I want in my life is the magic of extraordinary, and that has always been you. I wanted so badly to tell you that I loved you when we argued in your apartment, but I never wanted to put you in a position where you had to choose between me or Josh. I didn't want to put you through that and…" his voice lowered and she could barely hear him as he added, "I figured you'd pick him."

She put her empty wineglass on the floor and moved next to him on the couch till their bodies were touching, then put her hand up to his face, caressed his cheek then ran her hand through his hair…God how long she had wanted to do that again!

"Rick, don't ever doubt this for a second, never, because when it comes to you, everyone else is in second place. Everyone!"

He smiled and said, "Really?"

Her hand still in his hair she smiled and said, "Distant second."

Her hand pulled his head near to hers, and when their foreheads touched she whispered, "Rick, I was so afraid that when I told you I heard what you said when I was shot, that I could lose you."

"Kate…"

"Shhh," she whispered, "Losing you would be so much worse than even losing my mother was, I don't think I could ever survive that, but I couldn't deceive you any more. After our first case back, when you helped talk me through my fears while looking at the gun Mitch Yancy was pointing at me, you told me I had this and I did. But if it wasn't for you being there Rick, having my back, it wouldn't have turned out as clean as it did."

"You always had it in you Kate; you just lost it for a while."

"Yeah, I did. Just like with my shooter, but you pulled me back from falling into that hole again."

Her fingers were still in his hair as he moved his arm from the couch and put his hand on hers. Pulling his head back, he looked deep into her eyes and said, "About that. I have something to tell you too."

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AUTHORS NOTE: Some people have beta readers, and some don't, but I am the luckiest of the lucky since I have my lovely bride who reads these first. If you think my writing is bad…whew…you should read it before she tells me what's wrong. Actually it's best that you don't, some of you have a good opinion of me based on my writing and I wouldn't want to lose that. ;-)

For a person who hates cliffhangers, I seem to be doing a pretty good job with them. But the good news, or at least it is if you like this story, is that there is more to be written. Hmmm, then maybe I should end this note and get back to writing chapter 5, eh? (and no, I'm not from Canada) ;-p