Disclaimer: As always I own nothing but the original characters and the situations all characters find themselves in.

If We Were Couches

Trying to steer the conversation away from sex, or at least break the awkward silence, Bilbo forced a smile onto his face as he tried to fix things. "That being the case, we should wait until he's a teenager and done something particularly bad, and has us both wishing he'd stayed a baby forever, and then sit him on this couch to lecture him and then tell him afterwards that he was conceived on it. If nothing else we can take pictures of his face and use them as blackmail material."

Thorin's deep laughter bounced off the walls, Bilbo's smile in response not forced at all.

"There is that. Though I can't see Frodo getting into that much trouble even as a teenager. After the trouble Fili and Kili have gotten into since they could walk Frodo is going to seem like an angel in disguise even if he takes after me instead of you."

"Hey, I got into trouble too when I was a lad!"

Thorin's eyebrow raised in a gesture that made it clear he figured the worst crime Bilbo had ever committed was maybe jaywalking.

"I have a tattoo, remember?!"

The smirk Thorin had been sporting shifted a little into a leer. "I remember. And a tastefully executed tattoo of a Celtic tree of life on your upper arm doesn't count as a major rebellion. Especially since you didn't get it until university."

Since Thorin had some very sexy tattoos on his body from his time in the army and rebellious teenage years, Bilbo had to take a moment to enjoy those mental images. He had very fond memories of tracing some of that ink with his tongue and dwelled on that for a moment before continuing the conversation, stating that they weren't going to let Frodo have any tattoos until he was eighteen.

"Given that we both have them it would be hard to argue with him about getting one. Plus aren't you friends with a former tattoo artist?"

"And you have friends you wouldn't want Frodo to take after either." And technically the artist in question was a former boyfriend who'd talked him into said tattoo and some former piercings he'd never told Thorin about, which had long since healed,…but they didn't need to get into that.

Since Thorin could exactly argue the other man's point, Bilbo knew too many of his more 'quirky' friends, Thorin opted instead to nudge Bilbo's foot with his as he dryly pointed out that Bilbo couldn't deny that the odds of Frodo surpassing his cousins when it came to finding trouble were slim to none.

"That we can agree on, yes."

The mood having shifted into the positive as they smiled at each other knowingly, or as positive as they got these days when shagging and Frodo weren't involved, and that being the case Bilbo took a deep breath and said what he should have said before.

"I'm sorry about before, when I made that comment after you asked me to look at your books. I shouldn't have."

Surprise washed over Thorin's face for a moment before he adopted his usual mask of cool confidence as he inclined his head. "It's fine."

The mood wasn't quite as bright now, but they both lapsed into relatively comfortable silence after that as they went back to working on their respective laptops until they looked up at the sound of the study door being opened, smiling when in came Frodo in his glow in the dark polka dot pajamas, dragging his dragon stuffed animal behind him by its tail.

Knuckling his eyes with his free hand Frodo yawned widely as he came over to them as he mumbled that he couldn't sleep.

Immediately Thorin looked at Bilbo, who felt the man's gaze and knew exactly why the other man was giving him that look. It was because Frodo took after him when it came to his sleeping preference and they both knew it. Which was to say that if given the option both Bilbo and Frodo preferred to snuggle up with someone as opposed to staying by themselves in their beds. Not that they couldn't sleep by themselves, of course they could, but they loved to cuddle and Frodo, being only four, knew that he could usually talk one of his parents into letting him sleep with them so long as he 'tried' to sleep by himself first.

"It's not my fault. It's like blaming you for his eye color."

"You don't like his eye color?"

"No, of course not. Yours-they're beautiful. I just meant that-nevermind. Frodo, you need to go back to bed."

Knowing his parents well Frodo responded to that by getting up onto the couch and then taking a seat in Bilbo's lap, nuzzling his cheek against the soft cotton of his daddy's shirt as he stated that he wanted to stay with them.

"Oh yes, just like you."

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

Thorin didn't bother to hide his smirk. "I mean that if I was a couch, my thighs would STILL have a permanent indent from your bottom."

Bilbo could feel his cheeks going hot, sputtering a little before he finally managed to get out an understandable sentence. "Well if I was a couch I'd STILL have scratches all over from your bloody beard!"

Feeling very confused as they made faces at each other, though he supposed he should be used to it by now, Frodo decided to take advantage of the situation and cocked out right where he was while his daddy and papa talked about couches for some reason.

)

The next morning they all sat down to a proper breakfast, Thorin and Bilbo dressed suits while Frodo was decked out in his preschool uniform. After some discussion it had been decided that Frodo could go to his school given that it was the best, most exclusive in London with all the security that entailed. It was where Thorin had gone, which was how Frodo had gotten in. They'd take him together and make sure that everyone involved knew the situation and that a special eye was to be kept on their son and that the school should be on a lookout for any suspicious characters showing any interest in Frodo at all. Once that was taken care of Bilbo was going to Erebor with Thorin to work in one of the empty conference rooms, just to be safe.

"Though I'll need to stop at my house around two, to put some stuff together." Bilbo informed Thorin as they went over their plans again. "But I'll take someone with me, pick up Frodo when it's time, and then we have a quick stop to make and then we'll come back here for the day."

"We gotta visit Radagast, Papa!"

"Who?"

Before Bilbo could stop him Frodo explained to his papa that Radagast was a funny man who lived in a tree in a park near their house. They brought him food sometimes, and he gots to pet the man's squirrels, birds, chipmunks and even a hedgehog!

"Bilbo." Thorin's tone said it all.

"He was my high school biology teacher…and he's an old university friend of Gandalf's. He just…consumed too many mushrooms over the year and-sorta loses touch with reality sometimes. He's harmless though, really, he's only living in the tree to protest the fact that the city's talking about paving the park over. Well…and he got kicked out of his last flat for bringing too many animals into it. The rats, especially."

Frodo giggled. "Papa's making a funny face."

That he was. "Really, Thorin, Mr. Radagast might not be normal, by any stretch of the meaning, but he really likes Frodo and he's expecting us. We visit every Wednesday after preschool."

"Fine, but I'll be the one taking you both to see him. I'll meet him myself."

Hearing loud and clear that he and Thorin would be going a round if the other man didn't approve of Frodo being around his former teacher, Bilbo grimaced but didn't argue. He'd save his breath for when he needed it.

The rest of breakfast went by without incident, as did the dropping Frodo off at his school. Once they arrived at Erebor, however, both were really aware of the eyes that were on them from the moment they stepped in and all the way to the top floor of the building. The reason why they were being stared at was on both their minds, it was unavoidable, especially when they passed by the jewel of Erebor so to speak.

The Arkenstone.

Most people, even those who'd seen it many times before, tended to stop for a minute to stare at its brilliance, marveling over the stone's oddly haunting beauty and perfection before tearing their eyes away with the secret hope to come back and again try to figure out what was so special about it.

Personally, there were no words on earth to adequately describe how much Bilbo hated the hunk of stone. And he'd majored in English as well as Business.

He'd always thought of Erebor's ultimate prize as the rock around the company's neck, submerging it underwater in an attempt to drown it. Selling the damn thing would have paid off the business's debts so quickly and easily that he'd talked himself blue in the face his first week here trying to get Thorin to sell it. But as he'd heard, until he wanted to gorge out his own eardrums, The Arkenstone was Erebor, and could never leave it.

Never mind that it was after one of the mines had produced the damn thing that Thorin's grandfather had started to obsess over money instead of what was best for his own company either, Thorin had been determined to keep it because it had meant everything to the old man. Had become a symbol, in Thorin's eyes, of what Erebor had once been, and what it would be again.

And in the end, when there had been no chance of saving Erebor from Smaug without the help of Dale Inc...he'd gone to Bard to ask about giving the man's company part ownership of the stone in exchange for their help. Behind Thorin's back.

Thorin had found out-and never forgiven him.

"Careful, or your face might stick in that expression."

Shifting his gaze over to meet Thorin's Bilbo just nodded and motioned for Thorin to continue in whatever direction they were headed.

He was grateful Thorin didn't say any more on the topic, though he figured that partly had to do with the fact that Thorin couldn't argue that what he'd done had ultimately saved Erebor. The deal hadn't gone through, obviously, Thorin had fired him and kicked him out of the company when he'd found out, but Bard hadn't known that and had come to Erebor's aid for free, believing that the offer had shown Thorin's true repentance for the way Thrór had nearly brought about the ruin of Dale too years before.

So Thorin had gotten to keep his company and his stupid stone…while he'd lost what he wanted most. Thorin.

Yay him.

Having reached their destination Thorin opened the conference door for them. "If you need anything you know where to find me. No leaving this floor without telling me, understand?"

Shifting the strap of his laptop bag on his shoulder Bilbo nodded, retrieved the second bag Thorin had insisted on carrying in for him from the other man's hand, and then stated that he'd be fine as he headed into the conference room.

)

Getting the fact that he'd basically been dismissed, Thorin watched Bilbo set up his laptop and supplies at the conference table from the doorway for a moment before closing the door behind him. Shaking his head he headed back the way he'd come, stopping beside the case that showed off the Arkenstone in all its glory, the sight one that inspired conflicting, often violent emotions in him. On the one hand he could still remember his awe the first time he'd seen it, the way he' been unable to help himself from visiting it again and again, staring at it through its case and nagging his grandfather to take it out so that he could run his hands over it. But he also remembered his grandfather being even more obsessed with it, and having it greet him every day after he'd been forced to take over the company from his father, seeming to mock him with the knowledge that selling it would get him out of the hole he was in. Knowing that he couldn't, but the idea had only aggravated in his mind by the yappy little business consultant Gandalf had stuck him with.

Smiling ruefully as he remembered that first day in what seemed a lifetime ago, when he had first laid eyes on Bilbo Baggins, Thorin supposed there was some irony in the fact that they'd first met in front of the stone. Of course then he hadn't known that the man Gandalf had asked him to meet would go on to fascinate and bewitch him even more than the Arkenstone, all he'd see was a cute, curly haired young man with a seductively curvy body that had reminded him, somewhat uncomfortably, of the fact that between the army and his two months dealing with Erebor's imminent demise, sex hadn't been in his cards in far too long.

Even while he'd been mentally taking off the very prim and proper three piece suit Bilbo had been wearing at the time he'd noticed when Gandalf, who hadn't seen him coming, had stopped and pointed out the stone to Bilbo, who'd looked at it for a moment and then had dismissed it so easily and turned to lock eyes with him instead.

Naturally he'd forgotten all about wanting to sleep with Bilbo within an hour of meeting him, killing him had seemed like the far more preferable course of action once they'd started talking business, but the seed had been planted so to speak, finally shooting out of the ground that day in the courtroom, when Bilbo had so eloquently spoken the words that lived in his own heart, but ones he had never had a hope of explaining to anyone when it came to what Erebor meant to him and his people. He'd-

"My dear boy, what have I told you about staring at that thing?"

Speak of the devil, Thorin mused as he turned around and tilted his head up to meet Gandalf's both amused and disapproving stare. "Hello, Gandalf."

"Thorin."

"I wasn't expecting you. What brings you by?"

The old man's eyes twinkled mischievously, making him seem a great deal younger than he actually was as they started to walk in the direction of Thorin's office. "Well as you know I prefer to be very mysterious and secretive about my plans, but in this case I'm pressed for time and haven't had nearly enough caffeine this morning. So…I've been guilted into helping collect donation for a charity event being hosted by friends of mine and I decided to come guilt you into donating something tastefully expensive."

"I see. Why are you limping?"

"Ah, I annoyed Charles this morning. He ran over my foot."

Not doubting for the moment that Gandalf had deserved being partially run over by a wheelchair, his kudos to the man's husband, Thorin didn't bother to ask what Gandalf had done now. Instead he stated that he would be willing to consider donating something, especially if he were to get Gandalf's opinion on his friend Radagast.

"Radagast? Now why on earth would he interest you?"

"I'm meeting him this afternoon."

"Now I am even more confused, which is not something-ah. It's Wednesday. You've learned that Bilbo's been taking Frodo to the park with him and you've decided to stick your nose in." Shaking his head Gandalf waved a finger in Thorin's direction. "Must I remind you again that I am Frodo's godfather, Thorin Durin? I'd never allow any harm to come to him, not even to help a friend. And I assure you that while Radagast unquestionably loves animals more than people-he basically thinks of Frodo as the former. It's adults he has problems relating to. How did Bilbo take the news you intended to come, by the by?"

"Since he's living with me for the moment we're trying to keep the arguments to a minimum."

"Living with you? Has hell frozen over while I wasn't looking?"

"No. He might be in trouble."

All trace of merriment disappeared from Gandalf's eyes like it had never been. "Tell me."

Thorin waited until they were in his office, and then he told his old friend everything that he knew, the other man's eyes going ever darker and more piercing. By the end of it Gandalf's hands were white at the knuckles, from griping the sides of his chair too hard.

"And of course he doesn't come to me. Takes after his father my foot. At the core he's a damn Took." Bringing his fist down on the top of the armrest Gandalf began muttering under his breath, the words not loud enough for Thorin to even begin to know what he was saying, though he had a pretty good idea. He'd had plenty to say about Bilbo's stubbornness over the years too.

And then Gandalf was done and looking at him with a speculative gleam in his eyes.

"What?"

"Nothing. Just thinking that it's interesting, that he's staying with you. That you're letting him, for that matter."

"Well of course he and Frodo are staying with me. Who else? He'd never risk you and all his friends are probably as good in a fight as he is."

"On the contrary, I can think of a few, one especially who would be more than capable of keeping the two of them safe had Bilbo gone to him instead. You might even meet him, should he find out about this. That would be a meeting I'd pay to see." Getting to his feet Gandalf smoothed down his trousers. "But I'm glad he and Frodo are with you. It will do you all some good."

It was on the tip of Thorin's tongue to demand to know who this other guy was, and exactly how well Bilbo knew him, but he'd long ago learned to watch out for Gandalf's traps, which was exactly what that little tease was.

Apparently realizing Thorin wasn't about to rise to the bait, at least not yet, Gandalf inquired as to just where he could find Bilbo so that he could scold the boy thoroughly for not appraising him of the situation immediate.

Thorin was happy to give him directions.