My hands clenched into fists as I pondered my demise. When had it happened, the day
that I died? I clearly remember the song outside the door, the urgent touch that broke me
as I laid there on the floor. Praying silently for help that would never come. I never
thought of death before moving back to Forks one year ago. Love was also something I
never thought about, at least not in the way I know it to be now, but I think of both often,
and now they're so closely intertwined, two branches of reality, this is how I live my life.
I didn't like Forks at all when I first moved here; it was too green—an alien
country after living in Phoenix for most of my life. But on my first day of Forks High my
life changed after seeing him in the cafeteria at lunch. In biology I was ecstatic to find
that he was the only one in class without a lab partner. I was enthralled with him from the
moment I first saw him, and he seemed to like me back. The chemistry we had together
couldn't be ignored, and soon we found ourselves being introduced to the others family.
My dad, Charlie, isn't the kind of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve, but he
made sure Edward and I both understood that Edward wasn't welcome. Edward was
brought up to be a gentleman though, and so he was always extremely polite to everyone,
whether they deserved it or not.
I never quite learned the reasoning behind Charlie's asinine assessment of
Edward or why he even felt like he was entitled to it. After all, I moved here of my own
free will, not because Charlie was a great dad during my childhood. But Edward's family
welcomed me with open arms. Upon my arrival at their house one of his sisters
immediately hugged me, and then started talking rapidly to Edward.
"Oh, you are so right, Edward! She's beautiful, and she smells really good too!"
I blushed furiously, while beside me Edward hung his head and shook it sadly, but
the effect was ruined by the huge grin he was wearing.
"Alice, don't scare the poor girl." Carlisle, Edward's father, admonished his daughter.
"Sorry!" She said to me. "I'm just so excited! I'm going to go find Rose!"
All four feet, ten inches of her skipped off, and my jaw dropped at the sheer
elegance with which the whole Cullen family was apparently bestowed with. I can't even
walk across a flat surface without tripping multiple times, and sustaining colorful bruises.
Edward's whole family was wonderful, and his mother, Esme, gave me a tour of
their amazing 3-story Victorian house, which they could aptly afford with Carlisle being
a doctor. While on the tour I met the rest of Edward's siblings: Emmett is the protective,
funny, big brother. Rosalie, Emmett's wife, is the most beautiful person I have ever seen,
but what surprised me was that, despite her obvious high maintenance personality, we
found her in the high-tech, multiple car, garage working on Edward's Volvo. I didn't
learn much about Alice's husband, Jasper, except that he's like a brooding movie star.
The first person I met at school was James. He had light-brown hair, and
nondescript features, but he was an overall nice guy. I considered him a good friend until
he started asking me out. After I had started dating Edward. Mostly a jealousy thing I
think, but he kept pestering me every chance he got, and pretty quickly whatever I had
liked about him had turned sour. Then his persistence abruptly stopped one day.
A few months went by, and at the end of every school day, when Edward was
driving me home, I would sigh with relief that James hadn't asked me out again. He
hadn't even talked to me until I was standing alone on the edge of the dance floor at
prom(which Edward had insisted we go to, much to my horrific dismay).
"Bella?" James appeared at my elbow, and he seemed nervous.
"Yeah?" I sighed, feeling the disdain bubble inside me at what I knew was coming.
"I'm really sorry about the way I've been acting towards you and Edward."
Wow, something had gotten through that thick head of his! I thought, surprised.
James smoothly handed me an envelope the moment before Edward arrived behind me.
"It's just a little get-together I'm having at my house in a couple weeks, nothing scary."
He smiled at me before leaving me alone with Edward, who handed me my drink.
"I think he finally realized just how much I love you." Edward whispered in my ear.
My heart spluttered at his breath in my ear and, chuckling, he kissed the top of my head.
Graduation came and went, and before I knew it it was time for James' party.
After buttoning my jeans I reached for my favorite shirt: dark blue, sleeveless, with eyelet
lace. I pulled my long, straight, dark brown hair into a loose ponytail, and then grabbed a
jacket as I headed downstairs. Forks was still cold and rainy, even in the summer.
"I'm going dad." I peeked into the living room where Charlie was watching sports.
"Ok Bells, have fun, but don't stay out too late."
I was agreeing when a knock came from the direction of the door, and I headed out.
"Ready to go?" Edward asked me, his hair damp from the light rain falling outside.
"Yep."
He took my hand, and opened the door for me like always when arrived at the
Volvo. We drove in comfortable silence to James' house which was on the outskirts of
Forks in a heavily wooded area. As soon as we knocked on the front door James opened
it, and was obviously happy to see us both there.
"Hey guys! Thanks for coming."
"Uh, yeah. I'm sure it'll be loads of fun."
Edward noticed the lack of enthusiasm in my voice, and he squeezed my hand gently.
"Well, come in and make yourselves at home!" James said, smiling widely.
We mingled with a few people before I noticed that I didn't really know anybody
here. None of the people I usually hung out with at school were invited apparently.
"Hey, you guys thirsty?" James suddenly appeared at my side.
Edward and I nodded, and the two cups James was holding were handed to us.
We sipped our drinks in silence for a while, and then Edward made a weird face.
"What's wrong? Are you feeling ok?" I asked in concern.
"I feel strange." He said. "I think I need some fresh air."
"You don't look so great. Maybe we should just go home."
James pushed his way through the crowd of people to where we were sitting.
"Did I hear you guys say you were going home? But the party just started!"
"Edward's feeling a little under the weather." I informed him.
"Do you both have to leave?" He looked depressed at the thought.
"We came together, and I should probably drive him home."
"I saw Angela and Ben over there just a second ago, so if you wanted to stay a little
longer Bella you could probably catch a ride back home with them."
"I'll be fine Bella. Go have fun with Angela. I know you probably want to spend some
girl time with her."
"Are you sure?" I asked, and he nodded. "Ok, but expect my call in a few minutes."
Edward got to his feet, and lurched like a drunken man outside. I watched him close the
door before I turned to James.
"I just saw Angela with Ben over here."
I walked after him as he led the way through the crowd, but I didn't see my best girl
friend or her boyfriend anywhere.
I was beginning to feel uneasy as we went through a door. Thinking it was
another living area, I was confused when we were suddenly in an office. Someone had
started music outside, and I could hear the cheers of the crowd. It was dark with only the
moonlight streaming through a window to give any light. My vision started to get hazy.
This is weird, I thought as James pushed me aside and I heard the lock click on the door.
"You have no idea how long I've been planning this, waited for this moment." He said.
I opened my mouth to ask him what he was talking about, but suddenly his lips
found mine, and I felt myself fall backwards onto the floor. Now my back hurt, my vision
was getting dark around the edges, and James' hands were getting way too friendly.
"No. Stop." I mumbled.
He made shushing noises as he pushed my shirt up, and greedily ran his hands
over my skin. I tried to protest again, but I couldn't form the words. My head was
throbbing, but my clouded mind finally caught up with his actions when I realized just
how much skin contact was going on. I gathered in a breath to scream, but his hand
covered my mouth. With his left hand he grabbed both of my wrists and held them high
above my head. My legs were already pinned by his body weight, and I started to cry. I
couldn't do anything else. Nobody was coming to help me.
How I wished that I had gone with Edward when he left. I cried harder when I
thought of him; he would never want to touch me again. I already felt dirty, and unclean
as my body protested in ways my words could not. The pain crashed into me over and
over in waves of every kind of torment.
Aware of everything James was doing now, I shut myself down. I wouldn't think
about it. He wouldn't get any response out of me; I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. So
in my mind I floated away. I imagined that I had left with Edward, and that his sickness
had all been an act so we could leave early. The only sounds I could hear were the sounds
of the Volvo as we raced back to my house. Then I was jolted back to reality as James
roughly gripped my chin.
"Well I hope you enjoyed it. I know I did." I could hear the smugness in his voice. He
brutally punched me in the jaw, and I saw stars, barely aware of the damage his class ring
had done to my face. I felt him release me and heard him walk back to the door. He
unlocked it, and before he left he said one last thing to me.
"He'll never want you again." He said confidently, and then everything went black.
That was over 3 months ago, and no one had seen him since. Charlie was the chief
of police, and he had every person on the force looking for James, but to no avail. So here
I sat in my room, waiting for justice, hoping to be healed of the pain. James was wrong,
Edward still wanted me, but I couldn't bear to let anyone touch me again. It happened
months ago, but it was still fresh in my mind: After I came to, I found a phone and called
Edward's sister, Alice. We had become close friends, and I knew that she would take care
of me. I didn't want to see Edward so soon after it happened; I knew I wouldn't be able
to face him. Edward blamed himself for what happened to me; he thought it was his
fault since he left me, even though his sickness and my wooziness had all been planned
by James, but I knew it was my fault. It was always my fault; everything I did was
wrong, and now it was hurting other people. The only solution I could think of to end the
pain, and the suffering of everyone else, was to end my life. I wouldn't cause anyone any
more pain, and I would be free; I would be clean again. The scars from James' attack,
both mental and physical, would always be with me, and I wasn't sure if I could handle it.
When Alice brought me home that night I had showered for over 3 hours. I
scrubbed at my skin until it was raw, but it wasn't until the water started to turn red with
my blood that I realized what I was doing.
I shuddered at the reminder as I sat on my bed in my most comfortable pair of
sweats, and combed my hair with shaking hands. My insides ached at the vivid memory.
"Bella?" I heard Edward's voice, muffled by my bedroom door. "Can I come in?"
"Sure."
Edward, the boy who still loved me, the reason I still endured life, entered my
room, and pulled the old rocking chair by my window over to my bed so he could sit near
me, but still far enough away that I wouldn't freak out at his proximity.
"They found James." He gazed into my eyes, gauging my reactions, my emotions.
"Where? What happened?" I asked as I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding.
"It looks like he committed suicide. Pieces of his car washed up on First Beach."
"He…killed himself by driving off the cliff?" My voice felt raw, and scratchy.
"Yes." He gave me a grim smile. "Some justice was served, even if he deserved much
worse for every thing he put you through."
The darkness pulled me under, but only for a moment. When I resurfaced all I
saw was Edward's face. I took his hand tentatively, and he looked at me so lovingly, but I
could barely hold his gaze. What does he still see in me? This fragile broken body I
inhabit seems so lost without him, and now I realize he is keeping me alive. Edward is
my reason for living and I know that with his love I can surely live forever.
Ah, I like this draft a lot. What do y'all think? I was brainstorming title ideas, and right now I really like: Screaming in Silence, The Day I Died, My Guardian Angel, & The Reason is You. Help me please!