Letter 1.
"My dearest, hated, annoying, stupid and the most despised brother Itachi. I'm writing to you to let you know that the "Little Avenger" brand of condoms is the biggest piece of SHIT I have ever used. It wasn't worth the money I bought it with. Oh. Wait. I didn't buy it. YOU gave it to me. YOU told me it was going to ENSURE that our clan is never rebuilt. You're such a fucking liar. I hate you.
What's the big idea, you fucktart? You give me a box of condoms and the FIRST TIME I ever use them, the GIRL gets pregnant!!!! I hope you eat some poison and die. I'm going to kill you for this. What the hell am I going to do with a knocked up girl???? HUH??? Geez. Not only are you a lousy brother you're also a lousy condom maker. I hope someone files a lawsuit against you. From now on, I'm using the Hyuga Brand Condoms. Take THAT to your bank.
We've been going over the names for the baby and for the life of us, we can't come up with anything good. Care to suggest something?
Hatefully yours, Sasuke."
"Itachi –san."
Itachi eyed Kisame.
"What is it, Kisame?"
"Uhm.... Well... a few moments ago there was this.... Mail delivery guy."
Itachi raised his eyebrow.
"And?"
Instead of answering him, Kisame extended his hand and shoved a light blue square envelope with the Uchiha fan insignia as a water mark, into Itachi's hands. Itachi took the letter and raised both eyebrows in utter surprise. He turned the letter over in his fingers several times, looking, studying it.
"What the fuck is this?"
Kisame shrugged.
"I do not know, Itachi-san. Perhaps you should open it and read it."
Itachi glared daggers at him. He turned it over again and ran over the address.
"This is strange." Itachi mumbled to himself.
"What is, Itachi-san?"
"Well.... This letter claims that its sender is Uchiha Sasuke. Yet it's post marked at the post office of Sunagakure."
Kisame's face expressed a strained thought. Itachi moved slightly away, worried that his partner's head might explode from such unusual usage.
"Oh. I remember now!" Kisame raised his finger towards the cloudless sky. Itachi didn't even bother to open his mouth to question his partner.
"A few months ago, your delicious looking morsel of meat of a brother acquired the political asylum of Sunagakure and their Kazekage." Saying "Tasty morsel of meat" Kisame licked his lips. Itachi scowled.
"You stay away from my brother, Kisame."
"But Itachi san..."
Itachi glared and the Sharingan flared up.
"BUT?"
Kisame lowered his head.
"Hai, hai, Itachi san. Well...don't hoard the letter, read it."
There was a moment of silence passed between them, once Itachi was finished reading the letter.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Kisame?" Itachi finally broke the silence first.
Kisame nodded.
"Of course Itachi san. I think Sakura would be such a pretty name for a little girl. And if it's a boy they should name him Okashi. I do so love lolly pops."
Itachi opened his mouth to answer and realized that suddenly he was lost.
"No, Kisame." Itachi replied. "My foolish little brother does not have enough hatefulness in him. And how DARE he diss the "Little Avenger" brand of condoms. It seems to work perfectly for EVERYONE in this organization. Take you, Kisame. You haven't gotten a single kid yet."
Kisame shot Itachi a look.
"That's because I ate them all, Itachi-san" he replied innocently.
Itachi pretended he never heard Kisame's reply.
Letter 2. Dear foolish little brother.
Has your dumb ass ever heard of the expiration date? You know, that little phrase "best if used by.." that's printed on the side of each box of the "Little Avenger" brand condoms? I given you that box what....just six years ago? Of COURSE they wouldn't work, you nitwit! I'm surprised you have survived as long as you have.
Foolish little brother!!! How dare you insult our wonderful product? Do you know that 15% of all profits received from the sales of the "Little Avenger" brand condoms go to the families that suffered in any of the Akatsuki's actions. I should cut off your dumb little tongue.
HOW in HELL did you manage to knock up a girl????? You're supposed to be a little avenger, NOT A LITTLE WHORE!!! Now I have to go on a rampage and kill a whole NEW family of people. I swear, you Uchihas are like roaches. You step on one, ten run away. Oh. Wait. Scratch that. Well, anyway, I would have helped you with this situation but you don't have enough hatefulness towards me so I'm not going to.
Kisame suggests Sakura for a girl and Okashi for the boy. Do you know who's it going to be?
Itachi."
"My dearest, hated, annoying, stupid and the most despised brother Itachi. I'm writing to you to let you know that the "Little Avenger" brand of condoms is the biggest piece of SHIT I have ever used. It wasn't worth the money I bought it with. Oh. Wait. I didn't buy it. YOU gave it to me. YOU told me it was going to ENSURE that our clan is never rebuilt. You're such a fucking liar. I hate you.
What's the big idea, you fucktart? You give me a box of condoms and the FIRST TIME I ever use them, the GIRL gets pregnant!!!! I hope you eat some poison and die. I'm going to kill you for this. What the hell am I going to do with a knocked up girl???? HUH??? Geez. Not only are you a lousy brother you're also a lousy condom maker. I hope someone files a lawsuit against you. From now on, I'm using the Hyuga Brand Condoms. Take THAT to your bank.
We've been going over the names for the baby and for the life of us, we can't come up with anything good. Care to suggest something?
Hatefully yours, Sasuke."
"Itachi –san."
Itachi eyed Kisame.
"What is it, Kisame?"
"Uhm.... Well... a few moments ago there was this.... Mail delivery guy."
Itachi raised his eyebrow.
"And?"
Instead of answering him, Kisame extended his hand and shoved a light blue square envelope with the Uchiha fan insignia as a water mark, into Itachi's hands. Itachi took the letter and raised both eyebrows in utter surprise. He turned the letter over in his fingers several times, looking, studying it.
"What the fuck is this?"
Kisame shrugged.
"I do not know, Itachi-san. Perhaps you should open it and read it."
Itachi glared daggers at him. He turned it over again and ran over the address.
"This is strange." Itachi mumbled to himself.
"What is, Itachi-san?"
"Well.... This letter claims that its sender is Uchiha Sasuke. Yet it's post marked at the post office of Sunagakure."
Kisame's face expressed a strained thought. Itachi moved slightly away, worried that his partner's head might explode from such unusual usage.
"Oh. I remember now!" Kisame raised his finger towards the cloudless sky. Itachi didn't even bother to open his mouth to question his partner.
"A few months ago, your delicious looking morsel of meat of a brother acquired the political asylum of Sunagakure and their Kazekage." Saying "Tasty morsel of meat" Kisame licked his lips. Itachi scowled.
"You stay away from my brother, Kisame."
"But Itachi san..."
Itachi glared and the Sharingan flared up.
"BUT?"
Kisame lowered his head.
"Hai, hai, Itachi san. Well...don't hoard the letter, read it."
There was a moment of silence passed between them, once Itachi was finished reading the letter.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Kisame?" Itachi finally broke the silence first.
Kisame nodded.
"Of course Itachi san. I think Sakura would be such a pretty name for a little girl. And if it's a boy they should name him Okashi. I do so love lolly pops."
Itachi opened his mouth to answer and realized that suddenly he was lost.
"No, Kisame." Itachi replied. "My foolish little brother does not have enough hatefulness in him. And how DARE he diss the "Little Avenger" brand of condoms. It seems to work perfectly for EVERYONE in this organization. Take you, Kisame. You haven't gotten a single kid yet."
Kisame shot Itachi a look.
"That's because I ate them all, Itachi-san" he replied innocently.
Itachi pretended he never heard Kisame's reply.
Letter 2. Dear foolish little brother.
Has your dumb ass ever heard of the expiration date? You know, that little phrase "best if used by.." that's printed on the side of each box of the "Little Avenger" brand condoms? I given you that box what....just six years ago? Of COURSE they wouldn't work, you nitwit! I'm surprised you have survived as long as you have.
Foolish little brother!!! How dare you insult our wonderful product? Do you know that 15% of all profits received from the sales of the "Little Avenger" brand condoms go to the families that suffered in any of the Akatsuki's actions. I should cut off your dumb little tongue.
HOW in HELL did you manage to knock up a girl????? You're supposed to be a little avenger, NOT A LITTLE WHORE!!! Now I have to go on a rampage and kill a whole NEW family of people. I swear, you Uchihas are like roaches. You step on one, ten run away. Oh. Wait. Scratch that. Well, anyway, I would have helped you with this situation but you don't have enough hatefulness towards me so I'm not going to.
Kisame suggests Sakura for a girl and Okashi for the boy. Do you know who's it going to be?
Itachi."