Here's an early Easter present. Happy Easter!
The New Order of the Stone is getting their group photo taken today, and Lukas must protect his precious hair until then! But it seems like everything in Minecraft is suddenly conspiring to mess up his excellent hair…
Inspired by a SpongeBob Squarepants episode wherein our little yellow hero must keep himself spic and span for his boating school yearbook picture. So of course everyone and everything in the ocean seems to be on a mission to get him all dirty.
Post-Episode 8. Uses the same Jessie from Portal Party. May contain traces of Lukesse, mwhahaha...
And no, I don't know why the photographer guy has a German accent. I think it's because the photographer in the original Spongebob episode had one.
Here we go!
"This week, Tuesday, at 10:30. Can you make it?" Jessie asked. "I can't get them to negotiate a different time."
"I think so," Lukas said. "Will I have to dress up? I don't own any suits or stuff like that."
"No, just wear your armor. They want us to wear our armor because that's our 'iconic' look."
"Okay. Where are we meeting up?"
"On the lawn of our trophy hall."
"Makes sense. Do I need to bring anything else?"
"Just a nice smile." She giggled a little.
"Why do photographers always have people say 'cheese' when they take a picture? Like, they never give the people any cheese, so why do they ask for it?"
"It's to get people to smile with their teeth showing. Don't you show your teeth when you smile?"
"Well, not always. When I was nine, I had a major gap between my front teeth. Super embarrassing."
Jessie smiled. "Oh, I had a tooth gap, too!"
"Oh, but you would look cute with a tooth gap. I just looked stupid."
"Aw, Lukas, don't say stuff like that. You're making me blush, and you should be more self-confident."
He grinned.
"See, smile just like that for the picture. That's winning grin right there."
"Tuesday at 10:30, you said?"
"That's right. Be there!"
"You bet."
On Tuesday morning, Lukas's alarm went off at 7:00 sharp just like he set it. However, it pulled him out of a lovely dream about two of his favorite things in the world (Jessie and hamburgers), so he woke up startled and a little disappointed. He rolled over in bed, slapped the SNOOZE button on the alarm, and stretched his arms and legs. Then he kicked off the blankets and crawled out of bed, still wishing for hamburgers. Maybe he'd pick one up after the...What was the big important thing for today, again?
He flicked on the lights for his bedroom, rubbing his chin in deep thought. He knew there was something going on, but at the moment, it evaded him to remember what it was.
"There's something important I have to do today. What was it?" Lukas asked the Jessie photo sitting on his nightstand.
Photo.
Oh, right!
"Gosh! I almost forgot about our photo shoot today!" Lukas frantically threw his change of clothes on the yet-unmade bed: a pair of jeans, his favorite T-shirt, and of course his leather jacket. His armor was on its stand in the corner; he yanked the pieces off the stand and tossed them on the bed, too.
Sure, he had three and a half hours to get ready, but he wanted to be prepared. The group photo was a big deal! It'd be printed in the history books for years to come. He was terrified of looking like a dork for it. He had to look like the suave heartthrob all his fangirls saw him as.
First thing, of course, was a shower. He took extra care with his beloved golden locks, really scrubbing in the shampoo. He wanted his hair to be as clean as possible for his picture. He shampooed twice for good measure.
"Uber-Silk. Makes my hair nice and soft for gelling," he muttered to himself before striking up a song.
"And no, I'll never leave if it's alright with you/Dreaming of oceans while jumping in puddles and/All of my life I pretend you're there by the door/I don't need to pretend anymore."
"I should sing that when I'm on a date with Jessie," he said as he shut off the water and grabbed his towel.
Once he was dried off, step two was his clothes and armor. He changed into his jeans and T-shirt, smoothed out the wrinkles in the fabric, and shrugged on his leather jacket. He turned to face away from the mirror, looking at the ocelot face printed on the back. It had been a long time since he was an Ocelot. He might as well cover up the cat face or paint something different over it. ...Meh. No time for that today, and he'd hide his clothes under his armor anyway, so he didn't bother. After polishing the silver bits of his armor until they were mirror-shiny, he strapped it all on, starting with the goggles and working his way down to the boots.
Now he turned his attention back to his hair. Setting a brush and a bottle of gel on the w.c. counter, he stood in front of the mirror and set to sculpting his mop of blonde locks into the trademark wave. He'd done it so many times that he did it perfectly on the first try.
"Oh yeah," he said to his reflection. "You are all ready for action."
He checked the clock on the wall before leaving. It read 7:50. He had more than enough time before the photo shoot. As he left his house and started walking on the shoulder of the road towards downtown, he wondered what he could do with the spare time. He could go down to the animal shelter and look at the ocelots (he really wanted a pet ocelot.) He could catch up with Jessie and they could go get breakfast together. He could sit in the park and work on his journal; he was in the process of converting the journal entries into a for-real book. Plenty of options.
Lukas lived in a mostly rural neighborhood outside of the thick of town, so the roads were trails of sand and dirt instead of paving stone. It had rained the night before. Big mud puddles congealed in dips in the road. Lukas paid them little mind as he walked along, planning ways to fill up the extra time this morning.
You know where we're going with this, right? Of course you do.
A person riding a horse blasted past Lukas on the road. The horse kicked up the gravel and quite a lot of mud in its wake. It flew to the side of the road in a wave. Lukas only had one second to realize what a bad situation he was in until the mud washed over him.
"Gravel bits and stinkin' little pests!" Lukas ranted. Mud stained his armor. Sludge dripped from his clothes. The mud washed the gel right out of his hair, and now it flopped in sullied blond clumps in front of his eyes.
"You've got to be joking. Of all the rotten luck…" Lukas vainly attempted to wipe the dirt off of his armor. "I can't go to the photo shoot looking like this. Heck, I can't go in public at all looking like this!"
He bit his lip, then sighed sadly. He'd have to go home and get cleaned up again.
So he did. Lukas hurried back home. He had still had time, but he didn't want to dilly-dally. He changed out of his dirty clothes, throwing on sweats and a hoodie while his regular outfit was in the laundry. While his clothes were in the wash, he took another shower, being sure to take extra care to clean all the muck out of his hair. He halfheartedly sung another verse of his song while he rinsed and toweled off. Once he was dried off, he got out the gel again and styled his hair into the wave. He hit it with a round of hairspray for good measure.
After changing into his newly-laundered clothes and as he left the house, he checked the clock again. 8:40. He'd used up almost an entire hour repairing the damage from the mud assault.
"Gosh darn it. Well, at least I still have time."
Lukas snuck around like a ninja on his way to town, dodging behind trees and striking kung fu poses whenever he thought he heard someone on the road. (Well, okay, edgy poses he thought were from kung fu.) He kept a sharp eye out for people on horseback.
Eventually Lukas snuck his way into town. He relaxed a little, because there was no mud on the roads in town, but he didn't want to let his guard down too much. After all, you never know when something messy is lurking right around the corner. It was really hard for him to make his way through town, because it was crawling with fans. Everywhere he went, a gaggle of fans sprung on him, babbling their fangirl chatter.
"Oh mah gosh! It's Lukas! Hi, Lukas!"
"I cosplayed as you for Endercon!"
"Lukas, I love you! You're hot!"
"Shut up, Emmaline! He's dating Jessie."
"Can I have your autograph?"
"You have the best armor in the New Order."
"Will you be doing book signings?"
"You should have a pet ocelot!"
Lukas really didn't want to interact with the paparazzi today, but he was too polite to run away without acknowledging them. He dutifully signed a few autographs, gave a fanboy some cosplay tips, and hugged several people who asked for hugs. Then he fled before they could demand anything more of him.
"Ha!" he said when he made it deeper into town, near the city park. "I made it. The Order Hall is just around the bend. I have time to spare!"
Then, down the sidewalk, a group of school-aged children spotted him. They were just as avid New Order fans as the teenagers from before, and they squealed in delight when they saw their hero. They dropped their toy swords (they'd been playing "monster slayers") and rushed over to Lukas.
At first Lukas was amused by the kids, but then his eyes went wide when he saw what the little guys were carrying.
GLITTER.
The boys and girls carried cans of glitzy rainbow glitter, the kind that sticks to your clothes and takes three washes to fully remove.
The bane of every babysitter and VBS volunteer! And the kids were honing in for the attack with an ample supply of the stuff.
"Oh, no. No. No glitter!" He started to back away. "Don't throw any glitter on ol' Lukas, okay, kiddos?"
"But you'll look so pretty with sparkles!" a little girl said, and prepared her attack.
"Noooooooo!"
It seemed to happen in horrible slow motion! Lukas ducked, but he couldn't save himself from the onslaught. Before the children's delighted eyes, the girl dumped the entire can of glitter on Lukas. He gasped and choked as the shiny stuff covered him like a blanket of snow. The kids hopped up and down and hooted happily as he coughed glitter out of his mouth and picked it out of his ears. There wasn't a spot of Lukas not adorned with sparkles.
The girl clapped and cheered. "Pretty colors!"
"Why?" Lukas cried to the sky. He pushed past the crowd of pesky kids and ran back home. He had to get cleaned up again!
Once he got home, he threw his clothes in the wash and chose an extra-strong setting. Then he took a third shower, but it was mostly to get the glitter out of his hair. He watched the glitter blend into the water and slide down the drain.
"Oh, those dumb kids. I wonder if we can get Community Planning to approve a ban on glitter in town," Lukas wondered as he toweled off after his shower. "Or at least restrictions."
He gelled up his hair and hit it with enough hairspray to make the ozone layer weep for grief. Once his hair was resculpted and he changed back into his newly de-sparkled clothes, he checked the clock before leaving.
9:20.
"Eesh, I'm cutting it a little close," he said as he started off toward town again. "I hope nothing else tries to mess up my hair."
Once again he tried the "sneak like a ninja" method to get to town without any incidents on the road. One time a person on a horse rode down the road, but Lukas dove for cover before he could get splashed. He made it safely into town again, this time keeping a sharp eye out for kids with glitter. He was a bit pressed for time by this point, so he ignored the fans.
One fangirl was persistent, though. Lukas gasped in horror as he recognized her. It was the girl with the brown curls, unicorn T-shirt, and unyielding crush on him. She haunted his nightmares.
"Margie!" he stammered.
"Lukas my bae!" she drawled as she started running at him, arms outstretched to capture him in an unwanted hug.
"No, Margie, no! Stay away from me!"
"Kiss me, bae!" She pursed her plump purple lips at him.
"I don't love you. I love Jessie!" Lukas sprinted away from Margie as if she were the White Pumpkin.
"Don't be silly, bae!" She chased him down the street. "We can be together forever. Let's be together forever."
"NO!"
"YES!"
"NO!"
"YES!"
"NOOOO!"
Lukas, in his haste to escape the terrible clutches of Margie, wasn't watching where he was going as he ran. He rounded a corner too fast and crashed into a stack of storage crates. They were a shipment of supplies that had just arrived at a trading post. The crates broke apart from the impact, and Lukas tripped and fell.
"Oh, crap!" he exclaimed, lying on his back in a mess of slime and feathers. The glop stuck to his skin and seeped into his clothes. He was covered with almost enough feathers to pass off as a chicken.
Margie came to a screeching halt when she saw the state of Lukas. Her nose wrinkled up. Her blonde crush had suddenly become very unattractive.
"Like, ew," she said. "Nvm. You're gross." She strutted away importantly, curls bouncing. She later got distracted by a new heartthrob: some attractive guy who called her "cute stuff" as he walked past. She was then convinced that he was her soul mate.
"Fah. Good riddance," Lukas muttered when Margie left. "Oh, but my hair got all messed up again...GOSH DANG IT!"
He sprinted home, ignoring the stares from the other people. They were more than a little confused by the blond kid covered in slime and feathers. They wondered if he was part of some weird street performer stunt.
Pouting and raging, Lukas returned home and threw his clothes in the wash a third time. Then he marched off to the w.c. to take yet another shower and clean his hair.
"At least Margie might leave me alone now," he mumbled as he worked shampoo into his blonde mane and rinsed it out along with the slime. "I feel sorry for that poor bloke who called her 'cute stuff,' though. She's going to stalk that dude for who knows how long now."
With his hair cleaned, Lukas gelled it up into a wave. He looked at his reflection in the mirror and nodded. He really liked that hairstyle.
"Oh, please let me make it to the photo shoot without my hair getting messed up," he prayed to the Creator as he pulled on his clothes. "I don't want to take another shower. Have mercy. Please let me stay clean."
Lukas strapped on his armor piece by piece, buckling the straps as quickly as he could. Then sighed, relieved. All ready to go. He really hoped he'd make it this time. He checked his clock before slipping out the door. It read 10:15.
"Crud! I only have fifteen minutes to get to the Order Hall!" Lukas shot out the door and ran down the road. He'd have to kick it into high gear if he wanted to make it to the photo shoot on time. With not a small amount of dismay, he realized that he had no time for any of his other plans this morning! Dang! He really wanted to check out the ocelots or take Jessie out to breakfast this morning, but now he couldn't do any of that.
Lukas knew he had to be on guard against anything that wanted to mess up his precious hair. He kept a three-meter berth between himself and the muddy road, as a precaution against people on horseback. He didn't stop to greet anyone on the way to town. Once he reached town, he ignored the fans and paparazzi. He eschewed anything that glittered and avoided the gaggles of little kids on the streets. He kept a sharp eye out for Margie. He carefully rounded street corners. Hey, so far, so good! He started to giggle to himself, elated that he was finally going to make it to the Order Hall without getting dirty.
As he ran around a corner, the shiny Order Hall came into view. He pranced toward it, arms outstretched as if he was going to hug the building. On the lawn of the Order Hall, the other members of the Order of the Stone were milling about. Jessie was talking to the photography crew. A banquet had been made for the event; Olivia shooed Axel away from the food on the picnic tables. Petra tried out different poses, trying to decide which one she wanted to strike for the picture.
"YEAH! WAHOO!" Lukas cheered as he skipped onto the lawn, miraculously spick-and-span. He'd successfully evaded everything trying to get him dirty on the way to the photo shoot.
"Vhy is zee blond boy so excited für zee photo shoot?" asked the photographer. "I haf never seen anyvone so happy to get zayr picture taken."
"Wait," Lukas said, stopping his happy dance. "Did I somehow get dirty on the way here?"
"Nein," said the photographer, looking him up and down. "You are all clean."
"Okay, good." Lukas breathed a sigh of relief, then walked over to talk to Jessie. One of the photographer's assistants was explaining how a camera works to her. When she saw Lukas, she thanked the guy for his time and then turned to address her friend.
"Hey, Lukas," she said. "I'm glad you could make it. I was starting to get a little worried there. You were cutting it really close."
He shrugged. "I had some mishaps on the way here."
Just then, Jessie looked worried; she pointed. "Lukas, look out behind you."
"Huh?" He turned, but it was too late.
Jessie saw the whole unfortunate scene play out right in front of her. A person carrying jugs of milk for the banquet wasn't looking where she was going. She plowed right into Lukas. The jugs tipped over and spilled all the milk on him. That also knocked him off-balance.
"Whoaaa!" he yelped, stumbling backwards. To make matters worse, he tripped on a rock. Down he went. He clipped the edge of the picnic table as he fell. The force made a jar of celebratory glitter sitting on the table fall off. It dumped its contents on Lukas, who landed on his back in a mud puddle. The whole incident couldn't have taken more than half a minute.
Jessie gawked.
Lukas lay on his back in the mud puddle, stunned.
Jessie leaned over and looked him in the eye. "Lukey? Are you okay?"
He staggered to his feet. He was covered in milk cream, mud, and glitter. His hair was a mess. All of his efforts washing his clothes and polishing his armor were for naught.
The other NOOTS members and the camera crew walked up to Lukas. They gave him some sympathetic "aww"s, but as if that was going to help him.
Jessie bit her lip. "Lukey, are you okay? You look like you're going to cry."
And cry he did. "I'm sorry, Jessie! I'm sorry! I tried to stay clean for the picture. I really tried! But...but...there was mud, and...kids with glitter, and...took lots of showers...mud...guy with a jug of milk...more glitter...I'm sorry!"
"Aww," Jessie said, digging a hanky out of her pocket. She approached her weeping friend and gave him the hanky.
"I'm so sorry!" he sobbed. He wasn't so upset that he got dirty, but rather that he thought he had disappointed his friends.
"Shh. Shh. It's okay. You're okay," Jessie soothed. "Just wipe the tears. That's it. You're going to be all right. Don't cry."
"You're not upset?" he asked, smearing the hanky across his dirty face.
"No, not at all. Why would I be upset?"
"You told me to stay clean for the picture, but I kept getting dirty!"
"Is that what you're so sad about?" she asked. "Oh, don't worry about that. We can fix it."
The photographer approached. "Oh my. Vat is zee Lukas crying about? Und vhy is he so dirty? He vas clean just eine minute ago."
"There was a little mishap," Jessie said.
"The photo's ruined!" Lukas wailed.
"Oh, nein, nein," said the photographer, putting up a hand. "Not ein bichen. Vee can get you cleaned up."
Lukas sniffled. "You can."
"Yes, yes, vee can. Now stop zee crying, please." The photographer turned to his assistants. "Jungen! I need zee garden hose! Schnell!"
They hurriedly removed a garden hose from their supplies and brought it to the photographer. He switched the water on and hosed Lukas down, cleaning away all the cream, mud, and glitter. It also magically restored his hair to its gelled wave. Lukas practically sparkled and gleamed when they were done.
"Wowie zowie!" Lukas exclaimed, admiring his new squeaky-clean status. "Thanks!"
"Ja, it's nothing," said the photographer. "But vee cannot fool around any longer. I am pressed für time today. Vee must take zee picture quickly. No more distractions."
"Right, right," the New Order members said as they tried to get themselves arranged for the picture.
"Tall people should go in zee back. Short people must go in zee front."
Petra and Axel ended up in the back row, with Olivia, Jessie, and Lukas up front. Petra tried to give bunny-ears to Olivia.
"No doing zat, Fraulein. Zis is a serious photo," the photographer scolded.
She retracted her hand. "Sorry."
"Now smile nice, New Order of zee Stone. Say cheese." He stood on a small stool and held up his camera.
Lukas smiled proudly, glad that things were finally okay.
"Cheese!"
THE END