Swirled and Screwed

Chapter Four: Meanwhile

It wasn't too long after Eden and Sam woke, that several squires came to pack up their tent.

"Let's find some breakfast," Sam said as she and Eden exited the tent into the crisp, warming air of the morning sunrise.

"I'm starving, thanks to a particular person who decided to pull a Sheldon on my bowl last night," Eden said sarcastically.

"Well," Sam said as she reached down and adjusted the crotch of her jeans, moving her thighs against each other trying to dislodge dirt from between them, "I think we're even,"

The girls chuckled to themselves as they walked around a tent that was being packed up and saw Galion and Boromir standing and talking by a much larger, captain's tent. The two men did not notice the women approach and Sam and Eden overheard the last few sentences of their conversation.

"She had the most strange looking corset and underclothes," Boromir said in a hushed tone toward Galion.

"Both of their clothes are odd. I have never seen such fashion," Galion answered in his usual, disproportioned voice.

"Nor have I ever seen a woman with tattoos," Boromir said, "Even amongst the Dwarves,"

"True, Dwarves are the only race I know of that are proud of their tattoos," Galion said.

"And some of the words that they speak," Boromir said raising his hand to stoke his chin to ponder, "I almost cannot fully understand half of what they say,"

"Don't even get me started on the swearing," Galion said, "I have never heard a lady curse so much. It is as if they come from a land where such vulgar words are commonplace,"

Boromir raised his eyebrows gesturing toward Galion, "They did say they were from Rohan,"

"Oi!" Sam exclaimed, making both of the men jump, "Don't you dare say anything bad about Rohan!"

"Seriously dude," Eden said, "She really has an unhealthy obsession with that country,"

Sam immediately jabbed Eden in the ribs with her elbow, "OUR country," she said out of the side of her mouth.

"Right!" Eden exclaimed quickly, "Our country,"

"From what region of Rohan do you hail?" Boromir asked directing the question to Eden.

"Uh…." Eden said as she shot a look at Sam. "Dammit! She knows more about this crap than I do," she thought to herself, "Uh, the….uh….horsey…..region,"

Boromir raised an eyebrow and was about to say something, but Sam interjected,

"The East Emnet," she said, "Just a small, poor village of horse breeders. I have never even been to Edoras,"

"Nor have I, though they say it is a lovely city," Eden said quickly hoping to change the subject. Boromir's face lit up at once.

"Wait until you see my city!" he said smiling, "Minas Tirith is glorious! It was carved and masoned directly into the side of the White Mountains."

"Phew," Eden thought and nodded a silent 'thank you' to Sam. Sam nodded back and then she leaned toward Boromir and snaked her arm around his, causing him to blush.

"My lord Boromir," she said as a seductive smile spread across her face, "Would you kindly point us in the direction of the provisions? We would like to acquire some breakfast."

Eden let out a short, snorted laugh as Sam 'accidently' brushed one of her boobs against Boromir's chest.

"Fair Maiden," Boromir said staring into Sam eyes. He raised his hand and placed it on her arm lovingly, "You would honour me, by joining us for breakfast." He then turned away from her toward a young boy that was packing a wagon nearby, "Squire!" he called out. The boy turned to him and quickly made his way over.

"Yes, mi-lord?" The boy asked.

"Hasten, and fetch a bowl of porridge for the fair lady!" Boromir commanded.

"Ahem," Eden said and glared at Boromir.

"Two bowls," Boromir corrected.

"Right away, mi-lord," the boy said as he bowed his head and headed over to another tent. He returned a few minutes later with the bowls. Sam pulled her arm away from Boromir taking the bowls. She handed one to Eden and then turned back to Boromir.

"We'll just be over there taking in the view," Sam said. Eden could barely contain her laughter. Sam continued, "Please let us know when we are to be departing,"

Boromir looked a little bit confused as well as saddened by the sudden departure of Sam, and he gulped trying to find words, "Yes…yes, of course, my lady,"

Eden and Sam walked away quietly at first but as soon as they walked around a tent and away from the view of Boromir and Galion they had to stop to burst out laughing.

"Oh my god!" Eden said as she laughed, "Did you see the look on his face?"

"Achievement unlocked," Sam said and only further deepened their laughter.

The two women settled down on a small bolder near the base of the mountain just at the edge of camp opposite of the small wood. They sipped at their bland, porridge in silence just enjoying the other one's presence. Scotticus emerged from the camp and took up place near the girls to keep watch on the mountain.

"It would seem you have an admirer," Sam said smiling toward Eden.

"Shut the fuck up," Eden said, "He isn't Scott,"

Sam raised an eyebrow, "Are you fucking shitting me?! He totally is! The toilet is trying to tell you something,"

Eden rolled her eyes, "Yes, I can picture the toilet now, 'Not scrubbing bubbles! Not scrubbing bubbles!' "

Sam giggled to herself and then let out a slow sigh, "The people who orchestrate the Rendezvous and Muster would kill if they knew about that toilet,"

"It's not the same," Eden said.

"How so?" Sam asked.

"Well for one, this has absolutely nothing to do with US history," Eden said as she set down her now empty bowl on the boulder, "And two, they don't use real swords, or have to worry about being killed by orcs…or worse,"

"True," Sam said as she too finished her porridge and set her bowl next to Eden's, "I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky that we haven't had to encounter the enemy since we have been here,"

"Enemy?" Eden asked giving her a strange look, "What the hell? We aren't Gondorians, or Rohhiric. We're sure as shit aren't hobbits, or dwarves! We aren't a part of this. We are just extremely lost tourists,"

"Maybe…" Sam said. She brought her knees up to her chest and leaned down resting her chin on her legs staring out into space at particularly nothing with glassy eyes. Eden knew that look. Eden had had to put up with that look for a long time, before Sam opened her bar. That was the 'I'm depressed and about to become a drunk, blubbering, idiot' look.

"Don't do that," Eden said, "Not to me,"

"What?" Sam asked.

"What's wrong?" Eden asked.

"Nothing is wrong," Sam said and she stiffened her shoulders in a defensive matter.

"Bitch! Don't pull this crap with me!" Eden said as she stood from the boulder in front of Sam with her hands on her hips, "I am not going to let you go full Jane Austen depressed on me. For fucks sake! We are in Middle Earth! This is your dream! This is your world!"

"Alright, alright!" Sam said raising a hand into the air, "Sorry, I didn't mean to make you upset, it's just I'm a little irritable because we didn't bring our cigarettes,"

Eden raised her eyebrows, "Good point," she said and then she turned toward Scotticus, "Yo! Stalker,"

Scotticus turned around but said nothing.

"You got any tobacco?" she asked. Scotticus raised an eyebrow confused. Eden rolled her eyes.

"Oh for fuck sake, what the hell do they call it here?" Eden asked.

"Pipe weed," Sam said.

Eden turned back to Scotticus, "Go and find us some pipe weed!" she commanded. Scotticus looked at her for a moment, but finally nodded and headed back into the camp.

Sam giggled, "I hope he doesn't bring back a bag of 'Old Toby'."

"Huh?" Eden asked.

"You know," Sam said and made a gesture of smoking a joint, "Long bottom leaf,"

"Oh shit!" Eden said and chuckled, "I forgot about that,"

"I probably would fuck Boromir on that shit," Sam said.

"I would throw the bastard at you if it meant us getting home," Eden said, "I'm worried sick about Scott and the kids."

"I am worried too, about Sammy," Sam said as she thought of her adopted son, and then Eden noticed her demeanor change again, "I'm sorry that I dragged you along in all of this. I got carried away and was being selfish,"

"You weren't being selfish," Eden said, "You were being human,"

Sam half smiled, "Still, though, I should have done this on my own,"

Eden stared at her for a few moments and then, quite unexpectedly, burst out laughing.

"What the hell?" Sam asked.

"Are you kidding me?" Eden asked still laughing, "I'm having a hoot and a half!"

It was at this time that Scotticus returned. He bowed his head to Eden and handed her a small, leather pouch. She took it and looked it over. She opened it, smelt it, and then handed it to Sam who did the same. Sam nodded her head in approval.

"Don't think they have rolling papers round these parts," she said. Eden smirked and then she turned back to Scotticus.

"What the hell am I supposed to do with this, dumbass," Eden said and Scotticus looked absolutely terrified, "Go and find a fucking pipe for us!"

Scotticus may as well have been Wiley Coyote because he took off so fast, Sam swore he left a cloud of dust in his shape.

"Good god, woman," Sam said, "Take pity on the poor soul,"

"Fuck that!" Eden said, "If he is the alternate universe version of my husband he should fucking act like it,"

"I have been thinking about that," Sam said.

"What?! About Scott?" Eden asked.

"No, no," Sam Said, "About what you said yesterday, about me watching too much Dr. who," Sam said and she too stood from the boulder and stretched out her arms, "I think you were onto something,"

"Like what?" Eden asked.

"Well," Sam said grabbing their two empty bowls, "I have an understanding of Physics, and I think that the toilet could be some version of a wormhole."

Eden raised an eyebrow, "Fucking seriously?"

"Bare with me," Sam said as she continued, "Clearly, this is not the 'real' Middle Earth, that only exits in the mind of Tolkien. And that would explain why Sean Bean is hitting on me. The toilet knows our perception of this world and, quite literally, created an alternate universe. I have no idea where we are in the canon timeline,"

Eden flinched slightly, thinking back to her previous thoughts about Thorin and the rest of company dead. Sam continued,

"But wherever we are, we need to be careful. You made a joke about Boromir dying yesterday, but we can do nothing to stop it. It must happen. The toilet brought us here for a reason. Why did Frank end up in Rohan, I assume, and we ended up in Gondor? There must be a purpose, and we cannot say anything to disrupt the timeline. We can't warn them, we can't let them know how we know. We can't tell them who we really are or where we are really from, and we certainly can't let them know that they are figments of someone's imagination."

"Holy shit…" Eden said as Sam's words sunk into her, "What the fuck did you do before Frank came back? Dr. Who binge watch on Netflix?"

"This has nothing to do with Dr. Who!" Sam said, "We just have to be careful. What if we change something and then we get back and it changes in the books?"

"Good point," Eden said, "Because we are, after all, taking advice from a magical toilet in a creepy house in the middle of Knox county Indiana."

"God Dammit! You know what I mean," Sam said crossing her arms. Scotticus emerged again from the camp. He handed Eden a small, wooden pipe. She took it quickly and filled it. Then she pulled out her lighter from her pocket. As she flicked it and it came aflame Scotticus stared in bewilderment. She took a few long puffs and then passed it over to Sam.

"We smoka de peace pipe," she said smirking.

Sam took the pipe gratefully, and then raised her hand to Eden's arm, who was still holding her lighter in her hand. She gently pressed against her arm guiding it to put the lighter back in her pocket.

"Hey Scott, why don't you…SCOTTICUS! I meant Scotticus," Sam said as Eden nudged her in the knees, "Go and find Boromir and find out how much longer it is going to take before we depart,"

Scotticus just stared at her blankly and did not move from his spot. Eden rolled her eyes, "Oh for fuck sake! Do as she says!" she yelled. Again, Scotticus was gone before the dust could settle from his path.

Meanwhile, back in Indiana

Kyle stared blankly at the note he had found in his mailbox. "What the hell?" he thought as he glanced at the Penthouses. He carefully reread the note as best as he could through the haze of his hangover trying to remember the events of the previous night. Frank had returned claiming he had magically been transported into Middle Earth by flushing himself in the downstairs toilet of his new house. Kyle sighed and crumpled the note up in his hands stuffing the Penthouses under his arm. "Knowing Frank, he won't be at his mom's long," Kyle thought as he recalled the note saying, 'Don't come by, and don't tell anyone else where I am.' Kyle walked back into his apartment and tossed the Penthouses on his couch. He poured himself a cup of coffee and pulled his cell phone out from his pajama pockets. He dialed Frank, frowning when it went straight to voicemail after three rings. "That bastard ignored my call!" Kyle thought, but he was worried. He would give Frank a day, and then he was going to confront him.

Meanwhile, on the other side of Vincennes

Frank sighed as he turned the key in the lock of his house. He cracked opened the door and peeked inside making sure that the coast was clear before he stepped inside. He took off his light jacket and hung it on one of the many hooks in his foyer. He quickly made his way into his kitchen to plug in his cell phone. Then he noticed the other two cell phones on his counter. The one with the green case he knew was Sam's. Green was her favourite colour. He picked it up and pushed the button revealing her Thorin Oakenshield wallpaper.

Frank scowled. He had had enough of Middle Earth to last him a lifetime. Then he took notice of the other phone. "That's Eden's," he thought. He did not know Eden very well, but he knew that she was Sam's best friend. He knew that she was happily married and had kids. He felt kinda bad as he picked up the Samsung Galaxy pushing the button at the side and scrolling to unlock the screen. His heart sank when he saw her wallpaper. He recognized Eden smiling proudly next to her husband, whom Frank had never met, and they were embraced around four children. A girl, a small toddler, who resembled Scott a great deal, and a young boy who looked like Eden smiled back at him. He felt so guilty and recalled that Sam had adopted two of Eden's foster kids. A young man named Sam, and his teenaged sister. "Sam is a brave woman," he thought to himself. He set both of the cell phones down on the counter and sighed. He dared crossed the house to the downstairs bathroom and glanced in. It was quiet and seemingly safe.

Frank pushed these thoughts from his mind. "Serves them right!" he thought, "They are the ones who like all this crap." He shut the door to the bathroom and then he crossed his house to his living room. He plopped down on his suede, beige couch and buried his head into the cushions. He kicked off his shoes and socks, and it was here that he fell asleep and sealed his fate.

Meanwhile, back at Orthanc

Saruman paced his obsidian floor. "Gandalf had escaped!" he thought to himself. How could he have let this happen. More importantly, what was this disturbance he felt. Something was wrong, very wrong, and he yet had the sight to see it. He cried out in frustration to the emptiness and then stormed out of his study. He took the steps of his tower two by two as he neared the dungeons. An orc approached him.

"What is it, my lord?" it asked.

"Find them," Saruman said bluntly. He raised his hand and a swirling portal appeared. One of the orcs stepped forward.

"No!" Saruman yelled. The orcs cowered back from him, "There is something at work here in which I have never seen the like…Send the Uruk Hai," Saruman said. Two strong and tall Uruk Hai appeared at his side a few moments later.

"Find this anomaly," Saruman said as he gestured toward the portal, "Bring them to me,"

Meanwhile, back at Frank's house

Frank snoozed peacefully on his couch as the two Uruk Hai tried to regain their composer after pulling themselves from the toilet. They were shocked and embarrassed at first when they realized from whence they emerged. They walked carefully from the bathroom to the hall and made their way toward the living room. They gawked at his modern possessions. Then they found the sleeping Frank on his couch.

"The master said to find the hobbits," said one Uruk Hai to the other.

"He's too tall to be a hobbit," said the other.

"But the master said that hobbits have curly hair and hairy feet," said the other. His companion glanced down at Frank's bare, hairy feet.

"Take him," he said. The other Uruk Hai grabbed Frank forcefully. Frank roused from his sleep glanced at the two Uruk Hai and screamed. He could hear his cell phone ringing in the kitchen. The other Uruk Hai walked into the kitchen and picked up Frank's cell phone.

"What the hell is this devilry?" he asked.

"No idea," said the other Uruk Hai.

"It reads, 'ignore'," the other Uruk Hai asked.

"Ignore it then, we have to get him back to the master," said the other Uruk Hai.

The confused Uruk Hai pressed the button that said ignore and he returned to the side of his companion. The two Uruks and Frank knelt over the toilet and flushed themselves back in.

Meanwhile,

Boromir held out the reins of a humongous horse to Sam. Eden was giggling to herself silently; already mounted on her horse next to Scotticus.

"I…..Uh….Well…You see…" Sam tried to find the words to explain the current situation.

"What's wrong with this horse? He is gentle, and noble," Boromir said, "You said you were from Rohan, surely you have encountered more stubborn horses,"

"Yes, I am from Rohan," Sam said as she took hold of the bridle. Cautiously, she placed her foot in one of the stirrups and swung herself over straddling the horse. Eden was laughing so hard that several soldiers were looking at her curiously. Sam, Eden noticed, had an expression that looked almost exactly as Bilbo had when he was first placed upon a pony in the first Hobbit movie.