Her head dropped into her hands. Lord, what could she have been thinking? Paging him in the middle of dinner, taking him away from his date just so she could discuss how wrong she thought he was for trying to re-create an old love? Wasn't she doing the exact same thing?
Yet Vaughn hadn't called her to task for it. He had made his disappointment obvious, but he hadn't lectured her or criticized her or told her she was making the biggest mistake of her life. He had simply gone along with her decision, no matter that he disapproved. Why couldn't she do the same thing with him? If she were really his friend (as she kept insisting she was), she should have been more tolerant. He was always compassionate and understanding with her, but she had failed him miserably.
Vaughn's uncharacteristically harsh tongue-lashing suddenly raised so many doubts within her. She thought she had been so sure about her and Noah, that they were headed on the right track, but obviously her actions tonight had proved her wrong. Yes, her feelings for Noah were still powerful and strong, but competing against them was the growing relationship she had with Vaughn. How she felt about him was still a puzzle to her, but until she figured it out, she had no business committing to Noah or anyone else at this time.
How did she even begin to sort it all out? And did she want to make one of the biggest decisions in her life in a restaurant phone booth?
Sydney let out a tortured sigh. Yes, she had to. She had to resolve things one way or the other right now. Because there was no way she could walk into the warehouse tomorrow and pretend it was just another meeting with her handler. They had crossed a line tonight. She had to face up to what she really wanted because if she didn't, she feared Vaughn would take matters into his own hands. He as much as told her that he was tired of waiting for her. Perhaps he would soon move on—professionally and personally—by turning in his resignation as her handler, marrying Alice and walking out of her life forever.
If only she could separate where her feelings for one began and the other ended. Their roles in her life were so very different, but in some freakish way, they were also so similar. They both protected her. They both kept her sane—or as sane as she could be with her convoluted life. They both looked at her as if she were the only woman on earth for them.
Sydney felt safe with Noah. Not just in the sense that he was an excellent wingman, but she knew what she could expect from him. Noah was irreverent and daring, cunning and kick-ass (while also looking unbelievably sexy, she might add) and they shared a history together as friends and lovers.
Vaughn, on the other hand, was like jumping into the abyss. He knew practically everything there was to know about her (even down to the size of her heart, thanks to the damned DSR) but he was amazingly close-mouthed about himself. What did she know beyond the facts that he liked the L.A. Kings and Italian food and his father was a CIA agent who was killed by her mother? To be fair, their bond was not one prone to many anecdotal discussions about mundane childhood memories of breaking body parts or losing out in the school spelling bee. Their conversations always had a purpose; there was never any time for idle chit-chat.
She thought there would be time for that later. Because she did want to hear about his first kiss and his first fight and what kind of mischief he got into the night of his Senior Prom. But if he turned his back on her because of Noah, she would never get to know any of it and that thought made her feel unbearably sad.
Noah was an open book to her. He was expressive and he liked to talk. She knew the name of his childhood pet, the fact that he always broke out in hives if he ingested one little peanut, the sound he would make whenever she kissed him right below his ear. Mmmm. Sydney found a slow smile spreading across her face as she thought about their steamy reunion in the safe house in Archangelsk.
You just had to go there, didn't you, Syd? She silently chastised herself. It was amazing how three little letters could mean so much. Sex. An extremely important component of any intimate relationship. She had experienced the exquisiteness of frenzied passion with Noah. The closest thing to intimacy she had ever received from Vaughn was a comforting yet somehow awkward embrace.
Of course, she really had no business trying to make any kind of comparison between them in this area because Vaughn would come out on the losing end every time. It wasn't his fault, but she and Vaughn couldn't do anything. Never mind the whole 'getting physical' aspect of a romantic relationship, but they hadn't even progressed to going out on an actual date yet.
Not that that was such a piddly little thing. It might be no big deal to everyone else in the world, but it was a life-and-death situation to them, thanks to Sloane and SD-6 and even their own government. Just the concept of dating was nerve-wracking enough, but when you threw in the fact that so many entities were against you—not to mention the whole death angle—it was enough to make anyone leery of getting involved.
She must have been cursed in a past life. Was there any other reasonable explanation why her romantic entanglements always ended in desertion or death? Maybe it was simply her ill-fated destiny never to find love or be loved in return. How else could she rationalize Noah's sudden re-entrance into her life at the same time she was beginning to acknowledge Vaughn's very tempting appeal? Sure, they risked death just being seen together in public, but it was hard to resist a wickedly enticing animal attraction. Suit-and-tie guys weren't normally her thing, but there was just something about his sweetly-shy-but-sizzling-just-beneath-the-surface, buttoned-down charm. He could look at her in a certain way and she would get all giddy and tingly beneath his gaze. Brad Pitt had nothing on Michael Vaughn as far as she was concerned.
Thinking about Vaughn's effect on her made Sydney's mind wander over to Alice. She had only seen her in that one photo Vaughn used to keep in his office, but she hadn't remembered her as being so attractive. Alice probably hadn't been able to say yes fast enough when Vaughn asked her out for tonight, Sydney thought cattily. Through a good deal of jealous grumbling, she had to admit they made a stunning couple. Then again, someone who looked like Vaughn probably always chose from the cream of the crop.
Whoa. She suddenly stopped short. Was this the first time she'd actually admitted to herself that he was an extraordinarily handsome man? Really, she never thought of him those terms. He was just…Vaughn. Someone she could talk to. Someone she could turn to. What they shared went deeper than a physical attraction, although his chiseled looks and astonishing green eyes certainly didn't hurt. Their bond was intensely meaningful and in some ways, she felt even closer to him than she would if they did have a physical relationship.
Because Vaughn knew who she was. He knew the Complete Sydney Bristow, with all of her faults and facets. She didn't have to hide any aspect of her life from him because he already knew it all and what he didn't know, she told him, anyway. She could always count on him to be supportive in a crisis or brilliant when she needed she had a problem that needed fixing.
But with everyone else, it was a never-ending struggle. She was constantly on her guard with Noah, Dixon, Will, Francie. They saw her as she wanted them to see her and it was always an exhausting ruse to try to keep the many tangents of her life from intersecting. But when she was with Vaughn, she felt free. Free to giggle and flirt and not have to worry that she might say the wrong thing and arouse the suspicions of any given person in her life. Those brief stolen moments with him were like gifts to be treasured. She didn't want to spend the rest of her life with one half of her always hidden in shadow. What she wanted was to bask in the full sunlight with nothing to hide.
Sydney checked her watch. She had been gone longer than was probably necessary and Noah would come looking for her soon. But she wasn't any closer to making up her mind than she had been five minutes ago.
Focus, Sydney, she instructed herself. What do you value the most? With a sudden flash of crystal-clear clarity, she had her answer.
Taking a deep breath, Sydney took a moment to compose herself before going back to the table. After doing a quick check of her makeup, she left the phone booth and headed back into the restaurant. She noticed Vaughn was already back at his table with Alice. He didn't even look up as she passed by.
"I was about to send out a search party for you." Noah stood up to help her with her chair when she arrived back at the table. "Were you able to reach your father?" He inquired.
"What?" Sydney said distractedly and then remembered yet another lie she had had to tell. "Oh, right, yes. I'm sorry it took so long, but I had a hard time getting hold of him. Turns out it didn't matter because he did know about the meeting."
"Well, I'm glad you're back now." Noah smiled at her. "Are you ready to order?"
Sydney opened her mouth to reply, but something else came out. "I don't think I can do this, Noah." She blurted out.
Very deliberately, Noah folded his menu and placed it on his plate. "You can't do what?" He gave her his full attention.
"I can't go back in time." Sydney said in a direct manner.
Noah frowned. "I'm not asking you to. I want to move ahead with you."
"You want to pick up where we left off." She corrected him.
"Is that so wrong?"
"I can't pretend as if the last five years never happened." She met his gaze. "You left me."
"Syd, I thought we'd been through all that." Noah looked a bit frustrated.
"I know it wasn't anyone's fault." She cut him off. "But that doesn't excuse you for not trying harder. You sent me a lousy email as a way of saying goodbye. Not only that, but when you sent me that email, you issued me an ultimatum that I had to choose you and go wherever you went without a backwards glance to the life I had here." Sydney was having a hard time keeping her voice under control. She didn't want Vaughn to hear them arguing.
"I didn't think you would want to stay here if I wasn't around." Noah retorted, although it wasn't as egocentric as it sounded. If anything, his comment came off sounding more injured in tone.
"And you were probably right." Sydney confessed. "I probably would have gone with you."
"Then why are you lashing out at me for asking you to do something you would have done, anyway?" His brow knitted in confusion.
"Because if you were so sure I would go with you, then it should have tipped you off when I didn't show up!" Her eyes flashed angrily at him.
Noah started to fire a heated comeback of his own, but then closed his mouth abruptly. What could he say? She was right. If he had been thinking clearly and not been so pissed that she'd blown him off, he would have realized that maybe somehow she hadn't received his message.
"It was an error in judgment on my part." He said in a conciliatory voice. "I should have realized something must have happened for you not to show up. I should have been more persistent."
"But instead you wrote me off." Sydney said accusingly. "And then I fell in love with another man."
"Danny." Noah said in a quiet voice.
"Yes, Danny." She narrowed her eyes at him. "He never would have given up on me."
"Sydney!" Noah said sharply. "How can you compare me to your sainted dead fiance? I'm going to lose out every time!"
She didn't appreciate him being so cavalier about Danny. "I'm just pointing out that there are some people in this world who stick by you no matter what and then there are others who cast you aside without a second thought." Her voice was cold.
"You're trying to pick a fight with me." He gave her a shrewd look. "Why?"
She looked him straight in the eyes. "Because I'm not so sure we're right for each other anymore."
"Sydney, how can you say that?" Noah cried. "After what happened at the safe house--"
"I'm not talking about sex!" She lowered her voice just in time to avoid every eye in the restaurant from staring at her. "That was never a problem between us."
"Then what is it?" He was perplexed. "We still care about each other, the sex is still phenomenal and Sloane obviously doesn't have a problem with us seeing each other anymore. Why are you trying to create obstacles where none exist?"
"I think it was a mistake to get involved with you again." Sydney tried to keep her voice composed and even. "When you made your sudden reappearance into my life, I had just found out that my mother was alive and I was feeling vulnerable. The only thing driving me at that point was finding her, seeing her again. I knew it was a longshot, but I had to go for it."
"And then I ran into you, another person from my past who made a rather abrupt exit from my life." Sydney gave him a rather pointed look. "I thought it was a sign. I thought if I was lucky enough to get a second chance with you, then there was hope that I would be able to get a second chance with my mother as well."
"So I went for it. I welcomed you back into my life without thinking just so I could keep you close. So you couldn't get away from me again." Her eyes were full of misery. "The bad thing is I didn't stop to consider if I still wanted you or if I just wanted you around."
Noah's face fell. "You've gotten good, Syd." His voice was bitter. "I have to admit you had me completely fooled."
"Noah, I never meant to hurt you." Her voice grew thick with tears. "This isn't about getting back at you for what you did to me. I simply didn't think about the ramifications of you and I getting involved again."
"What ramifications are you talking about, Sydney?" His jaw was tense and she saw the muscle in his cheek twitch. "You're acting as if our relationship has some profound, far-reaching effect on other people when it should only be about us. I mean, I know your father is not that crazy about me and your friend Will doesn't like me much, either, but are you going to let how they feel affect us?"
Sydney avoided his gaze. "It's not just them." She whispered.
"Oh." His voice was flat. "You mean there's someone else."
Sydney was silent, so he went on. "I guess I should have expected that. I did, actually, and then I thought it was just a stroke of good luck that you weren't involved with anyone." Noah remarked in a weary tone.
"It's complicated." She gave a heavy sigh. "We're not really involved, but there's just something there."
"And I guess it's important enough that you don't want to risk it by taking up with me again." Noah surmised.
Sydney looked Noah straight in the eye. "Yes, it is important to me. It's more important than I realized and I don't want to lose it."
To be continued…