Chapter 4
Maura's POV
I lie on my bed and look up at the ceiling. I have been in the same position for probably an hour now, I can't bring myself to get out of bed and go to work after last night. I'm too confused. Last night, at Jane's apartment, I lost control. I kissed Jane and risked ruining our friendship. After promising myself that I would keep my feelings to myself, I go and do that. I always maintain control and I always know what is fact and fiction, but right now I don't seem to even know which way is up. I know that I love Jane, that I am in love with her. Even though I haven't had very many friends in my life, I know that this is not how friends are supposed to feel about each other. I just want to be near her, hold her, touch her, kiss her. That's all. I have never felt this way about a man, never felt this degree of longing. I need her and I have never needed someone so much before.
Eventually I find the motivation to get up and take a shower. The warm water pours over my body and I close my eyes, trying to let it wash away my worries. Even though I am pretty sure that Jane feels like we are more than friends as well, I don't know exactly how she feels. The last thing I want to do is ruin the amazing thing that we have already, but there is a big part of me that wants to take the leap and take a chance to possibly be with the love of my life. Is she that? The love of my life? I have never thought about that before, finding one person to spend your entire life with. I am a realistic person, and something like finding true love, has never seemed obtainable until now. Now it feels like it's staring me in the face, daring me to reach for it.
After I step out of the shower and slip on my robe, I wipe the steam off of the mirror, taking a look at my reflection. I stare into my own gaze and try to search my mind for the answer to the question that has been haunting me. Do I risk everything and tell her exactly how I feel? I take a shuddering breath and try to gather the confidence I need to convince myself to do this, to do something that may ruin my life or make it so much better.
I see death every day, I see innocent people that have had their life stolen away from them. Many of those people had unresolved issues with the ones they loved and cared about. I don't want to be one of those people. When I die, I want to know that I lived my life to the fullest and didn't not do something because of fear. Even if it means giving up my control, even if it means throwing my heart to the wind. In this moment, I decide that today is the day. Today is the day that I will tell Jane Rizzoli that I love her. That I am in love with her.
Once at work, I sit down and start working on paper work, trying to distract myself from the thing that I am going to do today. Even with the nervousness coursing through my body, there is excitement there also. Jane's reaction to the kiss last night, was far from appalled. She excepted it, embraced it, she enhanced the intensity even. I remind myself of this, but even with this knowledge the anxiety continues to rack my body.
Jane makes me feel so many things that I am not used to feeling. I am not used to feeling this anxious, especially not this anxious to say how I feel. I'm a pretty open book, I basically say anything that's on my mind which gets me into trouble sometimes but I have always appreciated my ability to be open. Now though, now every part of me is being questioned. Jane has helped me realize more things about myself. She has helped me realize that even if I am pretty confident, I have a fear of being loved and loving someone. It's something so foreign to me that I have a hard time accepting it, and until now I haven't realized exactly what love is. Jane, Jane is what love is.
I turn my chair around at my desk to glance at the clock on the wall behind me. Jane should be going on break soon, which means the moment that I have been looking forward to and dreading all day will probably be happening in about fifteen minutes. I grab my purse and start walking swiftly to the bathroom. I step up to the bathroom mirror as soon as I walk into the room. It's a small, dark room. It smells musty and has a rather cold feel. I usually refrain from using this bathroom but it is the closest one to my office and I need to hurry if I am going to get back soon enough to see Jane. To tell Jane.
I smooth some light pink lipstick on to my lips, rubbing them together to blend it in. I spritz some perfume on the back of my neck and on my wrists before combing my hair a little with my fingers. After I am satisfied with my appearance I smile at myself in the mirror. This is it, this is the day that my life will change for better or worse. Hopefully better. I'm ready and I convince myself that I'm not going to skate around my feelings anymore.
I take a deep breath and smooth my dress out, I take one last glance in the mirror before turning to the door to leave. Just as I am reaching for the door knob, Jane bursts in the door sending me stumbling backwards. A shocked expression spreads across her face and she quickly reaches out to grab my arm and prevent me from falling. Once I am steadied on my feet again, I smile at her reassuringly. Her hand doesn't release it's grip on my arm and butterflies dance in my stomach at the feeling of her strong and beautiful hands touching me. I make no effort to move away from her touch. Only after a few moments of eye contact does she release me. She maintains eye contac and chuckles, "Sorry about that," she mutters. "I'm fine, Jane. Thank you for catching me," I say with a nervous laugh. She smiles again and leaves my gaze to look at the floor for a moment, running her hand through her black curls. Do it, Maura, tell her now. I swallow the lump in my throat and start to open my mouth to tell her how I feel. Now or never, I can't waste another moment. Before I can speak, she looks back up at me and laughs nervously, "So about last night..." she says, inhaling deeply. "Yes, about last night..." I mutter, but before I can continue, Jane cuts me off, "We were both a little tipsy last night and we were feeling emotional about our guy troubles and I think the kiss...We were just messing around. It was just a kiss, nothing more. So I say we forget that it ever happened and move on." She takes a deep breath and smiles, "What do you think?"
All my excitement, nervousness, everything, comes crashing down on me only to be replaced by complete and utter disappointment. The smile previously on my lips vanishes for a moment. I quickly pull it together and plaster a fake smile on my face, and I meet Jane's waiting gaze. "Yeah, I agree. It was just a kiss, let's forget about it," I say with a laugh, looking down to the floor, trying to hide the tears starting to cloud my eyes. " Good," Jane says with a sigh, and I look back up at her to see her smiling sadly at me. "Well, I'm going to go. I have an urgent case today so maybe we can eat lunch together tomorrow instead of today?" She asks hopefully. "Yeah...Tomorrow sounds good," I say as I turn away and walk back to the sink. "Okay, goodbye Maura," Jane hesitates by the door. I can tell she doesn't want to leave, but she pulls herself away and quickly walks out without looking back.
As soon as the bathroom door swings shut my body is racked with uncontrollable sobs. I lean over the sink and let the tears fall into it. I can't catch my breath and my body seems to not be under my control. All that hope, all the feelings I have for her, they are all a waste. Even if Jane feels like we are more than a friends, she doesn't want us to be more than that, more than friends. It was just a kiss to her. Nothing but a kiss.
AN: Thank you to everyone for all the positive feedback! :) Again, I will try to get the next chapter out as soon as possible. Please let me know what you think and R&R! Thanks for reading.