Title: A Leap Of Faith
Authors: Sara And Lizzie
Rating: T for language, mild sex
Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.
Summary: AU. Meredith leaves Seattle the night that Addison comes. Five years later, she's standing at the back of the church, about to marry another man, when she admits to herself that she's still very much in love with Derek Shepherd. So she heads back to Seattle, and finds a very broken Derek. Will they be able to heal each other, or is it too late?
Author's Note: We know, we know. We haven't updated anything in about 29 years, but we absolutely could not get this out of our heads. We will be updating everything, but we hope you like this.
New chapter, yay! If you haven't noticed, each chapter starts with a flashback. Other than that, just read and review. And reflect on how McBarWhore has to be Lexie Grey.
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"Oh, what a mess we made." – Amy Winehouse
5 Years Ago
Derek went striding up to the front door of Meredith's house, and started pounding on it. He hadn't seen her in three days. If she transferred to a different hospital, she might still be there. She had to still be there. He needed her. He would go crazy without her.
He finally gave up on the knocking, knowing that George saw him. They weren't going to let him in, so he took the matter into his own hands. He twisted the door knob and found it was open. He charged inside and started up the stairs.
"Hey!" Izzie called. "Can he do that?" she demanded to George. Derek ignored their threats to call the police and flung open the door to her room. His eyes registered what was in front of him and he felt like someone had knocked the wind out of him. The room was empty. Completely, positively empty. Only her furniture remained.
He turned on his heel and ran back down the stairs, where George and Izzie were waiting for him. "Happy now, Dr. Shepherd?" George asked.
"Where did she go?" Derek demanded. Izzie looked down and George focused on the ceiling. Derek's fist clenched in frustration. "Just tell me where she is!"
"Why should we?" Izzie asked. "Got another wife you can spring on her? Maybe a kid this time? You lied to her, Dr. Shepherd." She spat out, her voice dripping with sarcasm when she said Dr. Shepherd. "You slept in her bed and you were lying to her the whole time."
"I never lied to her." Derek said, but it sounded weak to his own ears.
"Uh, a wife is something you mention. Withholding the truth and lying? Same thing." George said. "She went back East. That's all I'll tell you. And it's more than you deserve to know." He said. Derek looked down at the floor and sank down onto a step.
"I love her, you know." He said, knowing that while it wouldn't make a difference, it would make him feel better to say it out loud. "Addison, my wife, I'm divorcing her. It's in the works."
"Congratulations." Izzie said bitterly. "Too bad you didn't think of this sooner, or we all might still have Meredith here."
"You aren't the only one who's going to miss her." George piped up, opening the door in a gesture that he should leave. Derek stood to go. "You're just the only one who has to live with the guilt of being the reason she's gone." He said as Derek walked out of her house, and out of her life.
"I'm angry. At Meredith." Derek announced to Mark and Addison the next day. They were milling around the nurses station, drinking coffee, when Derek strolled up to them. Addison turned to her ex husband and blinked.
"Uh huh." She said. "No kidding. She left you here, without giving you a chance to make it right. Of course you're mad at her." She said, sipping her coffee. "I was mad at you." She offered.
Derek made a face. "You slept with Mark." He said. Mark took a huge sip of coffee and looked up at the ceiling.
Addison reached out and slapped Derek on the arm. "And you dated her for three months without mentioning me! Point is, that both of you ran without a second thought. And I was mad at you for not giving me a chance. You're human, Derek. You're allowed to be mad at her."
Derek shook his head and sighed. "When she was gone…" he trailed off. Mark drained his coffee and tossed the cup in the trash.
"You fell apart, Der, okay? You lived on alcohol and coffee. You're not who you were. Question is, do you want to know who you could become with her?" he asked. "Be angry, be whatever. Just figure it out before you lose her again."
Derek opened his mouth to speak but thought better of it. The truth was that Mark was right, so right it killed him a little bit. He wanted her back, he knew he did, but the anger and pain of the last five years built a huge wall in front of him, and she was on the other side. Right now, he couldn't get past the wall. He bit his lip and wondered if she would come to work today.
Cristina pulled up in front of the house, biting her lip at the surreal feeling it all had; Meredith was back in Seattle. She pounded her fist into the horn and waited, leaning back in the seat and stretching. Her mouth opened in a yawn and she rolled her shoulders a few time to shake the exhaustion she felt creeping through her. She had jumped on the red eye from Philadelphia last night.
She watched as Meredith emerged from the house, looking exactly the same as she had. Cristina's lips parted slightly as she reflected on how miraculous it was that their friendship, their deep connection, had flourished despite the distance. She opened the door and slid into the passenger seat.
"I kissed Derek." She said, accepting the coffee Cristina held out to her. She sipped it as Cristina hit the gas and they sped towards Seattle Grace. "I kissed Derek at Joe's." she clarified, arching an eyebrow at Cristina.
"Is that supposed to be surprising?" Cristina asked dryly, sipping her own coffee and merging onto the highway. "There are bigger issues we can discuss." Meredith sighed and bit her lip, looking out the window at Seattle. Cristina rolled her eyes. "What?"
"I kissed him at Joe's and then I left. And he never came looking for me. And he kissed me back." She said quickly, all in one breath. Cristina raised her eyebrows, deciding to dive right in.
"He's incredibly pissed at you." She said, merging again, passing a truck lumbering along. "He divorced his wife days after you left, and you never looked back. When he found out you were engaged, he started drinking and…" she trailed off. Meredith eyed her, her mouth slightly open.
"How do you know this?"
"We're sort of friends with McDreamy."
Meredith snorted at her. "You are friends with McDreamy?" she repeated incredulously. Cristina just shrugged and pulled off of the highway. Meredith sipped her coffee and looked over at her friend. "Thanks. For the house."
"I had a feeling." Cristina said simply. She arched one eyebrow at Meredith and made her best supportive face. "About Jack, and that wedding you ran away from…" she started.
Meredith shook her head. "I don't want to talk about it." She declared, looking out the window. Cristina wasn't going to press the issue, but Jack Pierre was pushy, arrogant and always got what he wanted.
"Did something happen? Did he hit you or something?"
"Seriously? I said I didn't want to talk about it." She said, firmly, in a way that told her best friend not to push the issue. They drove in silence to the hospital, and Meredith felt her heart quicken as they pulled into the parking lot. She got out of the car and scanned the parking lot. Cristina rolled her eyes.
"He got a new car. It's the silver one over there." She said, pointing. Meredith's heart literally skipped a beat. He was here, inside those doors. She was going to go inside, put on her scrubs and go throughout her day like five gaping years weren't missing from her life in Seattle.
"You got more than enough experience at Jefferson, so we put you in the fellowship program." Richard said to her. "With the rest of your intern year." Meredith smiled gratefully, and the chief swallowed. "Meredith, are you..." he trailed off. "Are you okay?"
She tensed and smiled tightly. "I'm fine chief. I'm happy to be back." There was a sharp knock at the door, and Derek's head popped in. His eyes darkened as they landed on Meredith.
"Chief, I need someone." He said curtly, his eyes fixed on Richard, deliberately avoiding looking at Meredith. "Male with severe head trauma is five minutes out. We're talking long and complicated." Meredith turned to the chief, the man who felt responsible for her well being, the man who promised her mother he would be responsible for her well being, and looked at him with eyes that begged for the chance.
"Dr. Grey will assist you." Webber said.
"Chief, I'd prefer someone else." Derek shot back immediately, inwardly wincing at how childish he sounded.
Richard rolled his eyes. "Grey, go. Derek, deal with it." Meredith leapt out of her chair, thanking Dr. Webber with her eyes and followed Derek down the hall. He was walking at a pace that was almost a run. She didn't know if that was for the benefit of the patient or because he didn't want to talk to her. She cornered him as they washed their hands in the ig, industrial metallic sink.
"I exist." She said quietly. "Whether you like it or not, I'm here. I exist."
"To me, right now? You don't." he said. She sucked in a breath as the words left his lips. They fell on her and stung. She didn't want to hear them, she wanted him to tell her how much he loved her, how he had never stopped thinking of her.
"You kissed me back, Derek."
"You left five years ago Meredith." He countered.
She shook her head, anger slowly building inside of her. "You had a wife!" she hissed, gripping the cold hard steel of the sink. "A wife who knew about me. The woman screwing her husband." She quoted.
Derek shook his head. "I would have made up for that. I would have chosen you, Meredith. I would have picked you if you had stayed." He said, pulling gloves over his hands and entering the OR. She sagged against the sink, feeling like he had knocked the wind out of her.
Five years ago, it had seemed like her only option. The guy you love has a secret wife, who happens to be beautiful and talented. She had to run; it was the only thing she could have done. Now, in retrospect, for the first time, she was slowly realizing that she had made a mistake.