Chapter 4 - Insecure

Again! So much stress.

Classes had begun again after what Wolfram felt to be too quickly, now he was back to his studies to which he detested. Again his mind was in shambles, everything seemed more intense, although he had Yuuri's love and attention he wasn't always able to be there. He adored his roommate, now boyfriend, but still Wolfram hid away in his darkness more than ever. He felt guilty putting any of his anxiety and depression on his beloved so he continued his indulges with bingeing. He made sure to continue to hide his binges from Yuuri; his boyfriend had no idea how serious the problems Wolfram had going on.

Wolfram would hide all evidence of his compulsions so not to arise questions or suspicions to Yuuri. He was certain Yuuri had no idea how often or how much he would eat. He was scared and frightened which made the situation even worse since everything seemed to go downhill. His grades were slipping slowly, his focus was worse than it ever has been causing him to slip further and further behind.

The blonde sighed in frustration; he shut his laptop in aggravation and chewed on a piece of candy while he slumped down in his chair at his desk spinning it slowly while in deep thought. I wonder what Yuuri is doing…? He pouted, I miss him… he's been busy every day with classes with training and work outs.

He picked up his phone and sighed slightly, no texts from him yet… his pout continued as he then shoved a few more of the sweets into his mouth. I have so much work to catch up on that I don't even know where to start… everything is just so boring; I don't want to do this anymore… I wish I could just quit, but then I'd have to go back home… I'd never see Yuuri again.

Wolfram would rather die than be without his new and handsome boyfriend; he swore he would burn anyone who came in between them. He better not be flirting with other people while I'm not there… Suddenly it was like a fire lit up in the blonde' emeralds at the thought of anyone getting close to Yuuri. He tapped at his phone fiercely, Where are you? He sent the text and sighed in annoyance.

He felt lonely, depressed and he really wasn't sure what he should do with himself. I'm so bored… He let out another sigh, feeling emptiness and sadness inside all he wanted to do was binge himself to happiness. The thought comforted him as it usually did so he did not want to object to his impulse, it was all too tempting.

The blonde quickly ducked down to his bed to pull out bags of snacks and drinks from under it. He pulled it all up to the top of the bed and let out a deep breath before sitting on the bed to quickly rip the contents out for easy access. All he could focus on was the food before him, all of his negativity lost in amidst the pleasure of the sweet and salty treats. There was no control; no real concise feeling of why it made him feel better, but it did every single time.

He quickly disposed of the trash in the bags and shoved it under his bed to hide any evidence of his addiction. He let out a drawn out sigh and lay back on the comfort of his bed, he felt full; almost sick from the mixtures of food. It's getting late... I really hope Yuuri is ok. His thoughts drifted at the thought of the dark haired boy, it made him smile.

I'm really surprised at Yuuri… I never imagined he would ever like me, let alone want to pursue a relationship with me. I was so cruel to him for so long… I still don't understand why he cares for me. He rubbed a hand across his chubby abdomen; he sighed and let his body relax. Ugh… I'm getting fat… A soft pout crossed his lips as he analyzed his chubby form. His entire body was accented with a bit more extra weight most noticeable around his mid-section.

He felt frustrated; he rolled over to his side facing the wall and continued to pout. He let out a drawn out sigh, why can't I just control myself…? If I was more disciplined I wouldn't be in this situation… but I'm weak…and pathetic. Eventually Yuuri will just be disgusted with my body… he'll find someone else…someone who isn't so disgusting, someone who's not so worthless.

The door to the room opened swiftly and Wolfram shot up from the bed to look at the opened doorway. "Y-yuuri! Finally…! Where were you?" Wolfram spat out possessively.

Yuuri nearly jumped and stared wide eyed at the fuming blonde. "E-eh?! Don't yell Wolf…geez!" He shut the door gently. "I'm sorry… I stayed late for practice and… I got us some take out for dinner. I thought we could spend the night in together… again I'm sorry for taking so long." He walked over to his pretty blonde boyfriend and sat down at the edge of the bed.

The blonde let out an annoyed huff as his lip stayed in a cute pout. "I guess I can forgive you…this time." He grabbed ahold of the bag of food and blushed. "Wimp."

Yuuri pulled Wolfram in for a loving kiss, he pulled away slightly, "I… I think about you all day." Yuuri managed to say feeling himself blush as well. "Hm…you're lips taste sweet, chocolate?" Yuuri smiled as he dipped in lining kisses along his jawbone and down his neck.

The blonde blushed and nodded, he felt Yuuri's hand wander down his body, Wolfram shivered with lust at the feel of the gentle touch. "I…want to stay like this forever…" He breathed out. Yuuri's presence relaxed him greatly, problems were non-existent.

Yuuri pulled away, looking deeply into the blonde' green eyes. "Ah, well…let's eat."

Wolfram felt the all too familiar pout return and he rolled his eyes in annoyance. "What a way to break the mood, wimp…"

Both boys were nervous to initiate any real intimacy due to lack of experience so when it started to seem to lead to anything further then making out they both became awkward and unfamiliar.

Yuuri sighed at the 'wimp' comment yet ignored it, "So, I'm starving." Yuuri grabbed the bag back from the pouting blonde and opened its contents. "I wasn't sure what you wanted. I got myself a sandwich and salad… but I got you a hamburger and fries. I love the food from the café nearby; I do miss homemade meals from home though." He reached inside and retrieved his meal as the blonde waited.

Wolfram shrugged in response, he diverted his eyes to the bag and felt his stomach ache. He wasn't in the mood for food at the moment, but to not cause arises for suspicion from his dark haired boyfriend he grabbed for his meal. He nibbled on it slowly, "How was your day…?"

Yuuri glanced up at the questioning face of the pretty blonde, "Hmmm... It was tiring today. I'm getting myself prepped for baseball season this spring. It's…well kind of my passion. I mean I like all kinds of sports but I love baseball a lot." Yuuri looked at the blonde's nose scrunch in disgust.

"I hate that game." Wolfram responded bluntly in memory of his child hood experience. "My brother was always into that stupid sport." He added his voice sounded annoyed.

Yuuri raised an eyebrow, there's that snobbish tone again. "Well… I guess it's not for everyone…" He glanced down back to his meal and sighed. "How about you, how was classes today?"

The blonde shrugged his shoulders in response, "It was ok. Boring, it was one long ridiculous lecture after another, as usual."

Yuuri could see the look of disgust on the pretty face as he spoke. He sighed and took the blonde' hand, "If you feel this way about everything then why don't you just quit? There's no shame in leaving behind something you hate so much. Wouldn't it be better to do something that you're passionate about? I mean, I hear how much you detest everything regarding your current educational situation. Your brothers can't dictate everything you decide to do in your life…"

Wolfram frowned he narrowed his eyes, "You have no idea… I told you what Gwendal was like!" A sigh of frustration escaped the boy's lips, "Can we just drop it? Talk about something else?"

"You say this every time I bring this up…" Yuuri spoke softly so to hope in keeping the conversation calm. "Every day just… seems like it's killing you slowly. You're miserable and I don't want to see you in pain… you know that. Please don't get upset." He caressed Wolfram's cheek gently. "Look, I know you Wolfram, you are very opinionated person. Just tell your family how you feel, talking might help them understand."

Wolfram couldn't help but smile softly, "Maybe you're right… I'll try. Ok?"

Yuuri smiled in response, "Thank you…"

Wolfram blushed feeling somewhat embarrassed, "W-well… I'm only doing this because you keep insisting…w-wimp…" He quickly finished what was left of his meal and crossed his arms.

Yuuri couldn't help but laugh at the blonde; he had become accustomed to the blonde's usual protective mechanisms. Such as hiding away in the bathroom, putting on a stubborn face or calling him a wimp. Maybe it was his way of trying to hide weakness or just trying to act tough. He loved the blonde for all of those traits even if it proved somehow difficult to deal with. Although trying to flesh out and get to know the blonde better was sometimes more difficult than it should be.

Yuuri always made it clear that he loved the pretty androgynous appearance of his boyfriend, he made that clear at all times even though sometimes Wolfram would fight back about it. Yuuri never understood why the blonde would ever refer to himself as unattractive or as Wolfram would put it 'ugly' and 'worthless'.

Wolfram glanced over at his cell as he heard it notified him of a text, he tapped at the screen and rolled his eyes. "Really mother…" he muttered.

"Your mom?"

"Ah, yeah… she's in Paris right now… with her new boyfriend." The look on his face was unimpressed as he tapped at the phone. "She sends me pictures of every place she goes. Even if she's already been there before…" He turned his phone off and pushed it aside and diverted his attention back to his boyfriend.

"Hm…I see. Must be exciting, exploring the world..."

Wolfram shrugged, "I guess so… coming here was the first time I've ever traveled. I'd love to see the beauty that's out there… to capture it and put it on canvas." He mused.

"You…paint?" Yuuri blinked in surprise. I've never seen him draw let alone paint…

"A-ah… I used to, not anymore. It's a stupid hobby." Wolfram huffed, "It's childish."

"The look in your eyes says differently Wolfram…"

The blonde shook his head, "It's not important, alright?" Everything I create is worthless anyways… not good enough… never good enough.

Yuuri took his boyfriends hand gently, "I'd love to see you draw sometime…"

"I-I'm not very good… I can't."

"Prove it…" Yuuri tried to push the blonde out of his shell. "I want to see, so… if you show me then I won't mention it again."

Wolfram sighed; it was so easy to give in to those loving onyx eyes, "Alright… whenever I have some free time…"

Yuuri leaning in lacing his hand along the back of Wolfram's neck pulling him in for a long loving kiss. "I-I…love you." Yuuri breathed into the blonde's ear, he was nervous, it was the first time he told Wolfram that he loved him. They had only been seeing each other for, at most, 3 weeks but he adored the green eyed angel.

Wolfram felt the heat rise instantly to his face, "W-wimp…" He stuttered his whole body felt flustered, "….l-love you too…"

"Next time… you call me wimp… I'll prove to you otherwise…" Yuuri whispered in a low voice, the heat of his breath caressed the blonde's neck. "Although you might enjoy it…"

"Y-Yuuri!" Wolfram shut his eyes and flushed in embarrassment. He diverted his face away from Yuuri and bit his lip gently before he spoke. "I…I just might…wimp."

Yuuri grinned pushing the blonde down on the bed; he hovered over him observing all the beauty of his boyfriend. The tips of his fingers trailed along the blonde's sides slowly shifting Wolfram's shirt over the softness of his skin. He kissed the navel of his stomach trailing his tongue upward along his abdomen slowly feeling the blonde tense in pleasure as he heard a soft gasp escaped his lips.

Each boys rid each other of their clothing, their skin connecting together at each kiss, each touch more intense than the last. Wolfram let out an exotic gasp of pure pleasure as they explored each other's bodies, his back arched slightly and he shut his eyes and flushed. Yuuri's touch was heavenly, his insecurities were nonexistent at this point due to the intense amount of pleasure; it was bliss for his troubled mind.

At least for this point in time everything was perfect.

Wolfram awoke feeling groggy, his eyelids felt heavy yet he pulled himself up slowly feeling an arm wrapped around his waist, and then it struck him the dull pain that pulsed through his lower body made him flush with embarrassment. He glanced down the Yuuri's sleeping face, as he remembered their previous activities he felt an overload of emotions. It just seemed to be a blur; their intimate sexual encounter was incredible.

He pulled himself out slowly and carefully from his boyfriends embrace so to slowly creep to the bathroom. He let out a deep sigh, leaned over the sink and splashed cold water over his face. I can't believe we…we… had sex. I…I was so clumsy… how embarrassing. Plus…he must be so disgusted by my body. He turned the peer at the nearby mirror and cringed turning his glance to the floor. So pathetic, no self-control, why is he wasting his time with me…?

A soft sigh escaped his lips; he closed his eyes as he continued to lean over the sink. He felt tired and sluggish; he brushed a few strands of hairs behind his ear. He remembered when his mother used to include him in some of her modeling shoots, telling him what a pretty little doll he was. Although in time Gwendal was sure to pull him away from such activities insisting that 'he pursue in less indulging activities'.

The blonde felt angry, he realized just how much his life was dictated to him even at such a young age. Being able to involve himself in his own ideas and interests seemed limited. He loved his family but at the same time a sense of rage and detachment filled his entire being. His green eyes stung as he held back tears, he steadied his breathing so to calm himself.

He pulled away from the sink and stumbled slightly as he returned to the bed, slowly sliding gently back onto it and stared at the figure that lay down beside him, "Yuuri…" Wolfram whispered, "Why do you like me…?" He brushed a hand across Yuuri's cheek gently. "So perfect…"

Wolfram felt a hand graze over his side causing him to yelp and pull Yuuri's arm away swiftly, "Y-you're awake?"

Yuuri opened one eye slightly, "Hmm…I am, now why are you so jumpy?" He cracked a small smile and looked at the angry yet pouted face.

"Hmph! I'm not jumpy…" Wolfram rolled onto his back keeping his pout.

Yuuri propped himself up with an elbow and looked down at Wolfram, "What's bothering you?" He reached and brushed a few stray hairs from his boyfriend's forehead and kissed it gently.

"Nothing is bothering me." Wolfram stated flatly, he pulled the blanket securely up over his body insecurely and sighed. "Just can't get back to sleep."

Yuuri continued to look down at the blonde the darkness of the room made it slightly difficult to observe the pretty face but to Yuuri it was enough to trace the flawless face with the tips of his fingers. A sigh escaped his lips, "Well… I could help with that." He leaned in closer to hover slightly over the unexpected blonde and kissed his softly.

"Yuuri!" Almost instantly on contact the blonde pushed the tanned body of his boyfriend away from himself. "N-not right now…"

Yuuri backed off slowly and lowered himself back down to the bed. "Alright… I'm sorry." He looked into the green eyes through the darkness of the room, they looked sad. "Hey, how about… we go out for dinner tomorrow night? I…well Murata told me about this great place and well… I thought it would be nice to go on an actual date."

Wolfram felt himself blush, a-a date? He blushed softly and looked at his dark haired boyfriend who was looking at him questioningly. With all the time we've been together we've never had a real date. Yuuri was getting nervous; he could feel the anticipation coming from his companion as Wolfram's silence delayed a response.

"Well-I mean… we don't have to. It's just… I thought it would be nice." Yuuri fumbled over his words. Wolfram sometimes made him nervous, his mood swings varied lately, always hoping that he would never say anything to offend the fiery attitude.

"No." Wolfram sighed. "I-I mean yes…w-we should."

Yuuri smiled lacing a hand around the back of his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. "Mm…we'll need to get some sleep. Ok?"

Wolfram watched as his boyfriend drifted back to sleep, the peaceful face made the blonde smile softly. He gently got up from the bed and let out a deep shaky breath, a date, he thought to himself. He felt the anxiety rise almost instantly, w-wait… it's our first real date, what should I wear? I… want to look good for him but I'm ugly…and fat. Panic now set in, his breathing quickened, his thoughts scattered in uncertainty.

The sun was starting to peak in through the window as the troubled blonde sifted through his clothes. He grabbed a box nearby the bed and ripped it open as quietly as possible with an x-acto knife he grabbed from his nightstand. Stupid, stupid…you're such an idiot Wolfram, he told himself harshly.

In his state of panic the pretty blonde fumbled with the knife accidentally crossing the knife over his forearm. He winced in pain dropping the knife to the floor and grabbed his arm that started to sting in pain. "S-shit…" he hissed.

He rushed to the bathroom, to the sink and rinsed the cut as he searched the medicine cabinet for some bandages. He wrapped the wound as quickly as possible then sighed, such a clumsy worthless idiot…

Yuuri will be waking up soon… I better pretend to go back to sleep… I'm really not in the mood for his questioning. He made his way back to bed, pulled the blankets over his body; he shut his eyes gently hoping to conceal his alert mind.

As he expected he heard Yuuri stir, no matter the day, his boyfriend always woke at the same time. It sometimes would irritate the blonde since he adored sleeping in no matter the day. Although Yuuri was very considerate and did do his best to keep quiet as he readied himself for class.

He felt Yuuri's body shift across the bed as he made his way off the bed and towards the bathroom. The sound of the shower made Wolfram sigh in relief, he caressed his fingertips across the bandaged forearm.

It hurts… although… it feels like I deserve it. To feel the pain, the ugliness that the scar will leave, I deserve it. He closed his eyes tighter and hugged onto his pillow tears slowly slipped down his cheeks and to the soft fabric of his pillow.

He felt exhausted yet it was impossible for him to even fall asleep. Screw classes today… I'm not in the mood to go. I wish I never had to go. He heard Yuuri emerge from the bathroom and shuffle around the room. He popped up slightly from the bed and glanced over at Yuuri, "Good morning…" he said softly.

Yuuri turned to the blonde, "Ah, sorry if I woke you…" he grabbed for his laptop and shuffled over to the blonde, "I'm running a little late… so, I'll see you later?" He placed a kiss on Wolfram's forehead gently. "Hm, you should get ready for class or you'll be late."

Yuuri quickly placed a kiss on Wolframs full lips before he muttered a soft goodbye and going out the door.

Wolfram sighed deeply, "I miss him already…" he glanced over to the box at the end of the bed, "… Not like any of those clothes would fit me anymore anyways…"

He slid off the bed and pulled on his sweatpants and t-shirt, "I-I have to do something, If I don't Yuuri will eventually leave me. Maybe, if I could just not eat… or I could…still eat and throw it up, that's it… I can just throw it up!"

"Easy enough…" He glanced down at his softened abdomen, "I… can still eat all I want as long as I just throw up."

He felt on edge, he chewed his lower lip and pulled on a nearby hoodie, "I won't have to feel guilty anymore eating what I want." Wolfram tugged at the bottom of the sleeves and let out a shaky breath. "I-I can be back in control this way."

The blonde sighed heavily, "I'll just go get some coffee…" he muttered as he pulled on his shoes and headed out the door.

"Wolfram?"

The blonde jumped slightly hearing the knock on the bathroom door, "Y-Yuuri?" he pushed himself up away from the toilet, flushed it and wiped his mouth with a nearby towel. "D-did you just get back?"

He opened the door slightly to see Yuuri looking down at him questioningly.

"I did…" He grabbed Wolframs hand and leaned down to kiss his boyfriend, "I heard you didn't go to classes today…" He whispered softly.

"E-eh…who told you that…?" Wolfram looked downward.

"Hmmm… I have my connections." Yuuri look a hand to Wolframs chin and tilted it upward so to observe his pretty face. "Are you ok?"

He batted the hand away and crossed his arms, "I'm fine. I just didn't feel like going it's not a very big deal."

Yuuri sighed, "What were you doing all day then?"

"N-nothing," Wolfram pushed past Yuuri and sighed, "It's none of your business anyways."

Yuuri grabbed Wolfram's wrist, "It is my business Wolfram… I worry about you…"

"I… wasn't feeling well. But I'm fine now."

You know if you told Yuuri the truth that he would be disgusted by you. You're lucky enough he's even with someone worthless like you. Wolfram shut his eyes and cringed, shut up!

"So, are you up for dinner tonight?"

The blonde turned and looked at Yuuri, "Of course, wimp!"

"Not a wimp." Yuuri stated in annoyance, and then sighed. "I'm going to shower… care to join me?"

Wolfram blushed, his eyes focused on Yuuri in lust at the invitation brought before him. "Mmm… I just might…" He approached his dark haired boyfriend and pulled him down for a long, loving kiss.

The two stumbled towards the bathroom shedding their clothing along the way, breaking kisses in between then removal of the clothing. Yuuri caressed Wolfram's body gently stopping suddenly noticing the bandaged arm. He looked down at the blonde, "What happened…?"

Wolfram glanced down at his arm, "Oh, n...nothing. Just an accident… I was opening something and I nicked my arm… It's fine."

"You sure…?"

"Yes, idiot…now shut up and shower please." The blonde demanded pulling Yuuri's attention back to the shower.

Wolfram started to feel clumsy and awkward again, he felt the need to try and hide his body as Yuuri's hands explored his soft features. He would push Yuuri's hands away from areas of his body that he felt uncomfortable with. The shower seemed frustrating and irritating for the blonde jumping out at the first moment he could get and wrapped a towel as quick as he could around himself.

Yuuri sighed and soon followed, "Did I do something wrong?" So moody, one minute we could be making out the next… pushing me away like he hates me, there's something wrong; he just seems so displeased when I touch him. Is he that uncomfortable with his body? I've always tell him he's beautiful because it's the truth.

He watched as the blonde got dressed, he observed the adorable form of his boyfriend. I just figured someone like Wolfram would be proactive about something like this. He's hiding a lot from me, but I just can't seem to pry it out of him without a fight. Yuuri approached the half-dressed body of the blonde and wrapped his arms gently around his torso.

"Relax," Yuuri leaned and kissed his boyfriends cheek. "Tell me Wolfram… does this bother you?" He poked gently at the soft abdomen.

Wolfram's cheeks flared a deep crimson, "Idiot! D-don't touch me!" He slapped the hand away viciously and turned to Yuuri. "B-back off, that's none of your business!"

Yuuri sighed, he knew he would regret saying anything but he was concerned yet frustrated and Wolfram was getting to him, "You know…if you were that touchy about it… you could always just work out or eat better otherwise you will just stay fat, kind of common sense."

At that moment the shrill pain of many needles tingled on his cheek, Wolfram indeed was pissed as the palm of his hand cracked across Yuuri's cheek. It was so swift and painful that it even knocked Yuuri off balance.

"I hate you! Y-you know nothing! You stupid wimp! Why won't you just leave me alone, forever! Never talk to me again; I can't believe I ever let someone like you close to me…!"

Wolfram swiftly pulled on his t-shirt and sweatshirt and stormed out of the bathroom.

Yuuri blinked slowly and winced at the stinging pain on his cheek, he himself even felt angry yet sad at the same time, "W-Wolf… wait… I-."

He was swiftly cut off as he seen the blonde slam the door to their room leaving Yuuri in silence. He wasn't sure if it would be wise to follow the infuriated blonde, he might get scorched. Yuuri felt his heart sink to his stomach. I am an idiot… he thought to himself as he slumped down on his bed, I didn't think he'd get that mad. I didn't know what else to do…I wish I knew what was going on in that mind of his.

Yuuri stared at the door hoping the blonde would rush back into his arms, but he knew that temper and those words he spoke were so sincere. I just don't know how to approach the situation anymore without it coming back to bite me in the ass. It just hurt seeing someone I love in that much emotional discomfort… He sighed deeply rubbed his eyes with his fingertips, So much for our date night…

Shit… I should go after him…

AN: Ok, thanks everyone for the nice reviews! I hope I didn't disappoint with this chapter I didn't get a chance to revise it but I got down what I wanted. Maybe I should of added more but until I go through it this is all for now. A little over dramatized but oh well. Also by next chapter I will have some artwork linked for my story! woohoo! I had oober writers block even though I planned on what to write…grrr! I will touch up on a lot of other issues in the next ongoing chapter. Ah, until next time. Xoxo 3 (Sorry, but the chapters will probably stay this size unless I find more time to put into it!)