Unthinkable

You could have heard a pin drop.

"What?" Felicity breathed.

Oliver sighed. "I told you guys. There are things that happened in those five years that no one knows. Everything that I did… every time I tried to come back, something led me to an even worse situation."

"But an agent." Felicity whispered disbelievingly. "A spy for Argus… who we've worked with before… the agency that tried to level the city and everyone in it."

Oliver's jaw tightened. "I'm not proud of it, Felicity. I didn't have a choice."

She shook her head. "I know that! We know that! I have never judged anything you've told us that you had to do on that island. What makes you think this would be any different? The issue is that you kept this from us." Her face was twisted with hurt. Roy looked stunned and Diggle was still processing the information.

"I always assumed you knew Waller, but I never imagined it was because you used to work for her. Does Lyla…"

Oliver shook his head. "No. No one knows. This was extremely covert." He turned to Felicity. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I never told you. I thought it would be better if you didn't know."

Felicity swallowed the swell in her throat and looked away. Oliver's face fell. "Before he was taken away, Maseo became a good friend. I didn't see him again after Hong Kong and I'd assumed he died. He was with us… during the fight and he found me on the mountain afterwards. He took me back to…back to a deserted cabin and healed me."

Oliver buried his hands in his pockets. "It took time for me to heal enough to make the journey to Starling. That's why I wasn't able to come back immediately."

"It didn't take you four weeks to recover Oliver. You've had serious injuries before and you're usually back on your feet fighting crime the next day." Diggle argued.

"This was different." Oliver responded.

"You weren't going to come back…were you?" Felicity realized instantly.

Oliver froze and Felicity knew she was right. He sighed dejectedly. "No. No I wasn't. Not until I'd learned Ra's' intentions. Not until I was completely positive that Thea and the city… and all of you, were safe. But then Maseo told me what was happening here…"

"So you came back." Digg finished.

"So I came back." Oliver affirmed.

Felicity blinked back tears. She would not cry. She'd cried enough.

"I'm sorry." Oliver murmured. He didn't direct it at anyone specifically. He didn't need to.

They remained silent for a few moments, absorbing and trying to understand all the information that had been shared. They all understood the implications of Ra's as a threat, but there were other things to process as well, especially for Felicity.

Digg motioned subtly to Roy and he understood it to mean Oliver and Felicity needed some time alone. "We'll be upstairs." John said, squeezing Felicity's shoulder supportively as they passed.

Finally alone, the air between them bristled with energy and unfulfilled promises.

"You let us believe you were dead." Felicity finally whispered. "And if it hadn't been for Brick, you would have continued letting us believe it."

"I didn't see another choice."

Felicity's eyes flashed. "Didn't s- didn't see another choice?!" She cried disbelievingly.

"After everything that we've been through as a team, after everything we've accomplished together, you didn't see another choice other than to let your friends and your sister think you were dead?!" She gave a short and humorless laugh.

"I don't even know what to say Oliver. I'm actually speechless."

"I never meant to hurt you-

"You never do! That's the thing, Oliver! You never mean to hurt anyone. Yet somehow anyone who ever cares about you ends up getting burned. You know why? Because you never let them make their own decisions. It's always your call. Well guess what? Sometimes your call sucks!"

His eyes widened and Felicity took a calming breath.

"Do you think it's easy for us to stand by and let you make decisions for us? It's not. But we trust you. Trust you implicitly to do what's right-for the team. But Oliver, I don't know if I do anymore."

Oliver felt like he'd been stabbed through the gut all over again.

"You know, when you told me you loved me the night of the siege, I knew it was unthinkable. You and I, we're so different and…" She swallowed and Oliver watched her with unreadable eyes.

"But I trusted you, so much that somehow I let myself believe that maybe…" She gave a sigh of frustration, allowing the disappointment she'd felt that night surface for a moment.

"Then you handed me the cure and I understood what you'd had to do, what you trusted me to do. So I spent the entire summer convincing myself that our relationship wasn't broken or strained, because you hadn't actually taken advantage of my trust, you'd just trusted me enough to understand- which I did. Then, just when I'd made peace with the fact that we would never be anything more, you dangled it in my face, only to take it away again." By now Felicity's cheeks were wet and she was standing in front of Oliver, almost a foot shorter than him.

"You broke my heart Oliver, because you took away my decision and you treated me as something less than your partner. You didn't trust me enough to make my own decision. You thought that by pushing me away, you were protecting me, but in the end, you hurt me more than anyone else could. I wished so many times that we'd never…tried. That way I could have continued to live with the belief that we weren't meant to happen. But you kissed me and you made me feel like no one ever has. I was ready to leave. I didn't know if I could continue to work with you, but as much as you and I together were unthinkable, being apart from you was even more unthinkable. I tried to convince myself that a relationship between us could never happen; I didn't want to be a woman you loved, not anymore, because it hurt so much. " Felicity gave a sob and Oliver could do nothing but miserably realize the depth of how much pain he'd caused her.

"Then four weeks ago you told me you loved me. You said what I realized I wanted to hear for so long…regardless of everything… and then you died."

Her voice broke.

"And I never got to say it back."

Oliver finally gathered her in his arms, holding her gently as she cried. "You never had to." He whispered hoarsely.

They stayed like that for while; maybe five minutes or perhaps five hours. But when Felicity finally pulled away, it was far too soon. They gazed at each other for a moment before Felicity turned away. "I should go. My mom is waiting for me at home. I just wanted to see…to know for myself."

He nodded and moved his thumb over her damp cheeks and then dipping to the marks still visible on her throat. "You should be resting for at least another few days."

"I'm fine." She whispered automatically- out of habit.

His eyes were sad. "Are we?"

She looked up into his blue eyes and searched for answers. Searched for something that would make her believe she could trust him again. Trust him so implicitly that she could run around with him every night fighting dangerous criminals and yet feel completely protected. There was something different about his eyes, less intense, less angry and guarded. "You once told me I wouldn't lose you." She whispered.

"You won't." He murmured.

"I don't know that anymore." She said softly, before pulling away from him and away from the foundry.