CHAPTER 4: Damn, Damn, DAMN!
WATTUP TO MY READERS!
Thank you for the, three or so of you who review! I love it! And for the rest of you…REVIEW! How am I supposed to know how many people read THIS IS YOU DON'T REVIEW!
Here we go…the best chapter I hope…
Quick Fact for reading…all the characters used, like Farrah's mom and Bentley, are people on the Teen Mom show.
Astrid was pounding on Hiccup's head as he tried to stay asleep.
She wasn't quite a fat ass yet, but she wasn't as skinny as before.
You wouldn't have even know she was preggers unless she told you.
AND she told EVERYONE.
Every time Hiccup wanted to just get up and take a piss, or go and get a drink, Astrid would use the excuse that it was Hiccup's fault she was in that position, and Hiccup would say 'You raped me!' and…it was just a mess.
Anyways, she continued to pound on his noggin and he began to cringe.
"Astrid, I'm trying to sleep."
"I don't care! I want Mountain Dew…no wait…new craving…soda."
"Astrid…Mountain Dew IS soda!"
"Nuh Uh! That's an urban legend! It's like, toxic waste!"
"Mountain Dew isn't toxic…oh wait yeah it is."
He crawled out of bed. And I mean crawled…she made him tired.
"Fine, you want…Coke?"
"No! I want Coca Cola!"
"Dammit Astrid that is the same thing!"
"Nuh Uh! Coke is the fake kind!"
He ignored her stupid comment and opened the door.
Crap. All the Teen Mom crew was there too to film the whole damn thing.
The director yelled cut to Hiccup who waved his hands in the air and yelled.
"Hibbup…"
"It's Hiccup…"
"Right, Hee Bop, I need you to act a little bit…angrier when Astrid asked for soda…like, throw a lamp…or…smack her in the face ."
Hiccup looked confused.
As much as he would have LIKED to do it, he was confused.
"Um…no."
He walked away and they kept filming.
Suddenly, and over voice narrator guy started talking…and nobody knew where the voice came from.
"What the frig?"
Hiccup asked the Director.
"Oh, that is just Morgan Freedman. He does the narration this season."
Hiccup cracked out a cry.
Now he had a large black guy narrating everything he did for the next nine months.
This…sucked.
Hiccup kept walking angrily.
Suddenly the voice boomed.
"Hiccup is walking angrily."
"Shut up Morgan Freedman!"
"Hiccup just yelled at Morgan Freedman. Is this a sign that things aren't right between him and Astrid? Will I, Morgan Freedman, get that contract signed before I go bankrupt?"
"SHUT UP MORGAN FREEDMAN!"
"Hiccup has yelled at Morgan Freedman in an angrier tone."
Hiccup put his hands over his ears and ran to the mead hall.
Where his father was sitting with a line of fruit.
"No, no kiwi! Banana didn't mean that!"
He stopped when he noticed Hiccup was staring at him in fear.
"Um…hello son."
"Hi."
"What is," He said as he shoved the fruit off the table, "What is wrong?"
Hiccup stared blankly at his fruit…doll game or whatever.
"Um…I was just coming to tell you that the Teen Mom crew is sort of annoying."
"Really? How so?"
"Well, besides the fact that this kid Bentley is gnawing at my leg and I am being yelled at by some fat chick named Amber…"
He pulled the baby off his leg.
"I don't like it, Dad!"
"Hiccup, is this because your scared to be in the delivery room?"
"WHAT? Dad, no! It's because I don't like being chewed on by one year olds and narrated by Morgan Freedman!"
"Hiccup, now racism is never the answer…"
"DAD!"
"Hiccup, you know how much the fruit means to this town…"
"Actually, Dad, I don't."
Hiccup stormed out of the mead hall in anger.
Morgan Freedman caught on.
"Hiccup looks angry. Oop, now he is looking angrily at Morgan Freedman…flipping him of…throwing a carrot…OW!"
Morgan shut the hell up for a while.
Ahhh, carrots. They came in handy sometimes. And by sometimes I mean when an elderly black man is looking down on you from god knows where and narrating your life…
Yeah.
So then Hiccup ran back home to his wife, as he grabbed a soda from the staff table at the Teen Mom camp.
But he was stopped quickly by the biggest, scariest white lady he had ever seen.
Apparently it was someone called Farrah's mom, and she was mean!
She slapped him across the face.
"That was my soda! What are you trying to do, kill me?"
"By depriving you of soda…"
"THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT!"
She snatched the cold beverage from his hand and began to drink it.
He walked away.
Wow, she was a bitch.
He needed to get a new soda.
Before Astrid became…feisty.
He grabbed a new one and ran to the house.
She was looking anxious as the camera was on her for some reason and Hiccup walked in.
"Here, some soda."
She took it.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"What?"
Hiccup looked confused, but the Teen Mom cast was looking at her and giving a thumbs up. It really was staged.
And they LOVED drama.
"What, Hiccup, you don't want this life anymore?"
"I, just, I thought you wanted the Coke and…"
"AGAIN with the Coke! Why, Hiccup, why do you hate me so much?"
She began to punch him in the face and he cried…a lot.
Eventually after a lot of beating the cameras turned off and she ceased.
"Wow, good job Astrid, that is enough for today!"
The camera people waved goodbye and she stood up happily and brushed herself off.
"Hey Hiccup, how was your day?"
Hiccup began to stutter.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
"What? Oh, the acting? Well, you gotta put on a good show, ya know. The MTV people said I was bringing in good ratings!"
"I know, but do you have to be so rough?"
"Well, besides that the Applesauce stocks are very high this…"
He cut her off.
"YEAH I KNOW ABOUT THE APPLES!"
But, he forgot she was hormonal now and she began to cry.
He felt horrible.
"Oh, oh Astrid, I didn't mean any of that stuff…I…"
"DON'T talk to me, Hiccup!"
"Astrid, I'm so sorry. It's just that you've been like this and I'm stressed out and-"
She began to grab a kitchen knife.
"AHH Astrid, what the hell? It wasn't even that bad!'
"No Hiccup, you're right."
She put the knife down and he was confused as her mood changed completely.
"I'm just so happy!"
WHAT THE FUCK NUGGETS?
He looked…awestricken.
She was kissing him and hugging him and then he told her thanks.
"What did you just day to me?"
She picked up the knife again.
Uh oh. This wasn't going to be a fun time anymore.
OKAY! I THOUGHT that this would be the best chapter, but I was wrong. Keep reading, readers because I have a great chapter in store…involving a fat weird Astrid and a lot more Morgan Freedman, and YOUR NEVER going to guess how this turns out!
Will Stoick ever get over his fruit fetish?
(dramatic music)
Will the black dude's reign of terror end soon?
(more dramatic music)
Will I ever stop writing extremely funny parodies?
You will find out soon, dear readers…
AND PLEASE take a moment out of your day and review this!